SAY NO
“My biggest challenge with being nice is that people tend to take advantage of me. It seems like I’m doing everyone's job at work because I'm too damn nice and can't bring myself to say NO to anyone.”
- F.V.
What is your relationship with the word “no”? It may seem like an unusual question, but we all have an emotional love (or hate) relationship with the word. Some people like it and use it all the time. Other people think it’s the worst and avoid using it at all costs. And still others don’t like saying it and dislike hearing it even more. For them, “no” is a bad word. How about you?
Your answer to that question has a surprisingly large impact on your life. As you will see in this chapter, your ability to freely and skillfully say no when you want and need to has a wide variety of benefits in your life, from career to friendships to your love life. In short, “no” is your friend. “No” is where it’s at. “No” is good.
In many situations, saying “no” can be uncomfortable. We don’t like disappointing people. And yet, doing so is essential to break free from the life-restricting cage of niceness that strangles true happiness and fulfilling relationships.
So, we are left with a choice. One that is going to be familiar to you by now, as it is repeated with each of these Pillars of Not Nice: You can choose to start saying no when you want to and need to, and face the initial discomfort, or you can continue to avoid saying no, and continue to play nice to avoid the disapproval of others.
If you choose the first option—to begin saying no when needed (and I suspect you will)—you are going to build yet another form of strength, another muscle. Building this muscle allows you to choose what’s most important in your life, and how to prioritize your time, activities, and every aspect of your life.
In short, being able to say no gives you power. Power in this context refers to personal power—your ability to choose to do something and act on it. By saying no when you need to, you are automatically saying “yes” to what you really want. This creates a sense of choice, autonomy, and freedom. It makes you feel like you are the captain of your ship and the master of your destiny, rather than a rudderless raft floating at sea.
Are you ready to start building your NO muscle? Fortunately, life is the gym for building this muscle, so you will find an endless number of places to practice. Let’s begin by seeing just how powerful the word “no” really is.