“The level of your commitment is measured not
by what you say ‘yes’ to, but what you say ‘no’ to.”
- Rich Litvin
Being able to say no when you want to can set you free in all areas of your life. In your business and work life, saying no allows you to stay on track and not get swept away by other people’s agendas. There are so many competing demands for your time and attention that you could spend your entire day, week, month, or year simply doing what everyone else wants you to do. In fact, if someone has an inability to say no, other people in an organization may discover this and take advantage of it for their benefit, placing more and more of their work onto that nice person’s plate.
Saying no allows you to preserve your own agenda, direction, and goals. Imagine a ship sailing north to get to a specific island. If it sailed due north each day, it would get there within three weeks. But what if each day it went different directions: west for a little bit, then east, then some north. The next day it started out going north, then went east, then even south for a bit, then back to north. How long would it take to get to that island, if it ever even made it?
Without the ability to say no, we are that boat, bouncing all over the place. You want this done now? Sure thing. You need me to do this over here? OK, you got it. Other people’s requests become demands. Other people’s urgency becomes our own emergency. The extreme example of this is when someone says to jump, and you say “how high?” This is insanity. It’s people-pleasing at its worst and it makes us feel our worst. Yet, the compulsion to continue out of fear and niceness can be strong, so we stay the course: nice and meandering.
Saying no in your business and work life ends the insanity. It clears away the confusion and declutters your day. It helps you be more productive, achieve more, and best of all, feel more happy and free. It keeps you connected to your bigger purpose and mission so you can do what you’re here to do.
The importance of saying no doesn’t stop at your workplace. It’s an essential ability in your personal life as well because what you say yes to and what you say no to determines what you do with your time and your life. If you are invited somewhere and you say yes, that’s what you’re doing for the next few hours (or more). Which is great, if you wanted to go… It can also make you feel trapped, bored, restless, unhappy, and resentful.
Being able to say no to invitations, offers, and suggestions from friends, family, and loved ones helps you guide your ship in your personal life as well. While you may not have the exact same goal-driven direction as you do in your business life, you still generally know what you want and don’t want. (Since you’ve been asking yourself that question all the time since you read Chapter 7 on boundaries, right?)
Being able to say no operates in an even subtler way than where you go and what you do. It even includes moment to moment interactions, including what you talk about and how long you speak with someone because saying no doesn’t literally mean using the word “no.” You can say no by interrupting someone’s extended story at a party and telling them you need to go somewhere else. You can say no by changing the subject in a conversation, or asking a new question. This subtle use of no adds to your sense of complete freedom.
That is the goal of this chapter, and this entire book: to give you a sense of freedom to be you in the world. Saying no is a big piece of that puzzle. Without no you are not free at all. You are trapped, obligated, stuck, and living in a world of “I have to.”
Is this where you live now? Doing things you don’t really want to do, but feel you have to? Being driven more than you’d like by obligation? Feeling trapped in conversations, in meetings, or in situations that are not making you feel most free and alive?
If so, it’s time for no. You just might need to go on a NO Rampage. Later in this chapter we’ll talk about how to do that skillfully and successfully, so it enhances your life and those around you. First, let’s dismantle our fear of no. Let’s see why we used to hate using that word, and how to befriend it so it can become a liberating tool on a daily basis.