YOUR BTB 30-DAY ACTION PLAN
Welcome to Boldness Training Bootcamp! It seems highly likely to me that you have already begun to take some action on what you are learning in this book. To make it this far, and not have done anything different indicates a strong pattern of discomfort avoidance. If so, not to worry, we have a clear set path of specific actions for you to take, starting today.
If you have been trying new things, testing out saying no, asking for what you want, and being more expressive, then you’re in good shape. This section will give you more ideas, and lay out a specific plan for you to follow to increase your progress.
Remember, the opposite of nice is not being a jerk, it’s being authentically you. More direct, more assertive, more expressive, and ultimately more alive. This allows you to then be more generous, kinder, and more loving with anyone you choose.
Also remember that intellectual insight and new understandings are extremely helpful, but only in so far as they help you take new action in your life. Repeated action over time — doing the uncomfortable thing again and again — is what’s going to set you free.
Boldness Training Bootcamp, which is designed to help you shed excessive niceness and return you to your full personal power, is very much like going to the gym. I like to use this metaphor because everyone understands what it takes to get physically stronger. We all know that you need to go to the gym, or run, or swim, and do this activity again and again to get stronger.
If you went to the gym once per week and curled a five-pound weight a few times, and then left, would you be any stronger after a month? Sounds absurd, right? But somehow we don’t use the same logic when it comes to changing patterns of behavior, communication, or thought. In those instances, we might say, “I kinda tried to speak up, by asking them a question, but they didn’t listen to me, so I dropped it.” If that’s your attitude, this boldness training will never work!
Our mind says that simply because it’s uncomfortable. The discomfort of lifting weights, or going for a run is somehow simpler, and often much easier to endure. We know it will end, and we often feel an immediate high after working out. We also know that if we keep doing it, we’ll get stronger.
However, when it comes to Boldness Training, it can be less clear. After a “workout” where we said no directly, or made a choice that upset someone else, we can feel waves of self-doubt, self-criticism, or guilt. To make matters worse, we may have created relationships in our lives where we were constantly pleasing others and they’ve come to expect that. We may have trained everyone around us to demand we do their bidding, regardless of what we want.
As you become bolder, expressive, authentic, and powerful, you will overcome all of these challenges. You’ll discover that some relationships evolve and grow as you do. There’s more space for you to be you, and everything gets better. Other relationships turn out not to be much of a real relationship after all. It turns out the other person is enjoying having someone do what they want, and doesn’t like the idea of that person having a will of their own.
In these cases, you’ll be met with the “change back phenomenon.” This term comes from family counseling, and describes the phenomenon of pressure one family member might feel when they try to make a positive change. Counselors discovered that other family members would often resist the change, even though it’s for the better. They might confront the family member, or offer a more passive form of resistance through guilt-tripping or sarcastic comments. These indirect communications are unconsciously communicating: I don’t like change! Change back to the way you were right now, and everything will go back to normal and I’ll be happy again. Change back!
If you are met with a few change back behaviors, don’t worry about it. It’s a natural and normal part of the process. Some of your friendships and relationships will grow much deeper, and some will fall away. That’s OK. You will then have space to attract more inspiring people in your life who love and support the authentic version of you.
As you do this, instead of others turning against you, and terrible things happening, you’ll discover it’s quite the opposite. Others become more interested in you, more attracted to you. People want to be your friend, date you, sleep with you, or marry you. They want to hire you, work with you, or work for you. They start to treat you with more authority and respect. Everything you want is just on the other side of your comfort zone.
So, are you ready to get uncomfortable in order to create the life you’ve always wanted? Are you pumped? I’m pumped. Let’s do this.