OK, here’s the plan: For the next thirty days you are going to do one thing per day that challenges your nice-person programming. For example, today you are going to start a fight, and you are going to lose. No, I’m kidding. The challenges will be basic, fast, and easy to apply in your life. In fact, you might be surprised how little time this takes. Most of these exercises can be completed in several minutes. Some may require up to fifteen minutes. Time is not the obstacle here, discomfort is. And if you are willing to face discomfort in order to liberate yourself, then you are set for a life-changing month.
Remember, this is the three-step process for eliminating excessive niceness and becoming a more authentic, confident version of you:
1. Decide to be not nice.
2. Do the not nice stuff that makes you scared and uncomfortable.
3. Work through the internal backlash (guilt, anxiety, doubt, fear) afterwards.
The plan is simple. First, decide when you are going to begin. Unless you are going on a solo meditation retreat in the mountains next week, I suggest you begin today, or tomorrow. Not when you’re less busy and it sounds easier, not when you finish that project at work, and not in thirteen years when your kids graduate high school and head off for college. Today. Now.
Ready?
Begin!
Day 1 – Clarity
Let’s begin by getting clarity on two things. First, where you are now, and secondly why it’s a must for you to break free to a higher level of boldness and authenticity.
Begin by taking the How Nice Are You Assessment on page 33. You may have taken it when you read that section of the book, but it’s good to get a clear sense of where you are in this moment as you begin these thirty days.
Secondly, take a few minutes and get clear on why reaching the next level of growth and freedom is essential. In order to persist in the face of discomfort to achieve anything, we must have a strong internal motivation to help us make it through the hard times. The natural human tendency is to move away from discomfort over time, so in order to override this, write out your reasons.
Why is it essential for you to break free now? What has being too nice cost you in your life? What pain is it causing you? What pain is it causing others?
What will becoming more expressive, free, empowered, and loving bring to your life? What will your life be like on the other side?
Take as long as you’d like to reflect on these questions, and then write something down. Don’t just answer these in your head. Get your thoughts down on paper or in your phone so you can read them later in this process, whenever you need a motivation boost.
Day 2 – I Don’t Need Your Approval
Today is a fun one. Start by reviewing the 15 Common Signs of Approval Seeking on page 49. Pick one from the list that you’d like to reduce today. And then, starting right now, and frequently throughout the day, remind yourself of this powerful truth: I don’t need your approval.
Say it silently in your mind right now. Repeat it before any social interaction. Repeat it while you’re sitting in a meeting at work, or interacting with your boss or a customer. Repeat it as you check out at the supermarket. Repeat it before and during your date with that really attractive person you’re nervous about seeing.
Repeat liberally. No need to force anything or make yourself feel a certain way. Simply let the words settle into your mind like seeds being scattered in a fertile field.
Day 3 – What Do I Want?
Open up a fresh sheet of paper or note file on your computer and ask yourself this question: What do I want?
Write freely, quickly, and without editing your thoughts. No one else is going to read this; it’s just for you. If your mind judges what comes out, that’s OK. That’s what our minds are trained to do. Just keep writing, as quickly as you can.
I want…
I want…
I want…
And then, when you’re done, ask yourself this question: What do I really want?
And write some more.
When you’re done, take a few minutes to read over what you’ve written. Slow down and breathe. Notice how you feel. Find any discomfort in your body and bring your attention to it, meeting it with curiosity, acceptance, and love. No need to be alarmed. That discomfort is just a young part of you that is scared because it was taught that it was bad to want things. Just hold that part in your awareness with patience and love, and it’ll calm down.
Then, throughout the day, ask yourself that question multiple times: In this situation, what do I want?
Notice what answers arise. If you can, and feel up for it, try acting on what you discover. For example, if you’re talking with someone and not feeling satisfied with the conversation, ask yourself, what do I want here? Perhaps you discover that you want to end the conversation so you can talk with someone else. If you feel ready for it, simply tell the person at the next opportunity, “It’s been great talking with you, Bob. I’m going to head over to the lounge area for a bit. I’ll catch you later.”
If acting on what you want seems too intense, or is too challenging right now, that’s fine. We’re only in Day 3! In that case, simply notice what you really want, without making it wrong or bad. Also notice how much fear there is around simply asking for or doing what you want. Let yourself be curious and fascinated by it all, trusting that you will be free before too long.
Day 4 – Your Bill of Rights
Remember this from Chapter 6? Did you make one? If not, go back to that section and create one now. It is a life-changing exercise.
Then, read your Bill of Rights this morning. Read it out loud. If you need privacy, do it on your way to work in your car. Pull off to the side of the road somewhere and belt them out. Strange? Sure. But liberating? You know it! So, let’s get a little strange in order to be happy, free, and full of love. (You may even want to make a practice of reading your Bill of Rights once per day for the next few weeks.)
Then, throughout your day, notice how this changes your outlook and actions. Are you able to do something you normally wouldn’t? Are you able to let something go and release guilt quickly and easily, when in the past you would have stewed about it for hours? Give yourself full permission to live from these rights. Embody them as much as you can today. Be brave.
No matter what, you are safe, you are worthy, and you are loved. It’s OK to be you.
Day 5 – Strengthen Your Reality
Remember this exercise from page 176 where you wrote out the answer to some questions to strengthen your reality? If not, do it now! If so, read what you wrote out loud. Again, do so in the car, or in your room if you need the privacy.
Don’t read it as if you’re reading an operations manual. Read it as if you were sharing the most valuable thing in the world with your best friend, or spouse, or kids, and you knew it would change their lives if they heard it.
Here are the questions:
What do you love?
(What do you like, appreciate, and enjoy?)
What do you hate?
(What do you dislike, what annoys you, bothers you, irritates you, or pisses you off?)
What do you believe?
(What do you believe in? Start each sentence with “I believe...”)
What is great about you?
(What are your strengths, positive qualities, quirks and endearing traits? What makes you, you?)
What’s your purpose?
(Why are you here? What is the point? What are you going to do?)
Let those words settle in, and live from that place today. Pay attention to your perception today, how you see things, and what you think and feel. Notice any tendency to dismiss it, or privilege others’ perspectives more than your own. Own your reality today. Let it feel good.
Day 6 – I Am the Source
What if for all these years, you had it all wrong? What if the approval you were trying to get from others wasn’t held by them at all? What if, unbeknownst to you, others were actually looking to you for your approval?
Does this sound far-fetched? Maybe not as you’ve grown during this challenge and from reading this book. Actually, it’s a surprising truth that you only start to see when you open your eyes to it.
I’ll never forget when I first discovered this could be a possibility — that others could want my approval. I was having a conversation with a sweet, intelligent, and beautiful woman in a supermarket of all places. I had exercised my boldness and had simply approached her to start a conversation. Within several minutes we were engaged in a fun and free-flowing conversation that extended into topics way outside the bounds of supermarket foods.
All of a sudden, I heard a slight quiver in her voice as she spoke. In an instant, I knew what was happening. She was nervous! I was completely blown away. For over a decade I thought I was the one who should get nervous because I was the one who needed the other person’s approval. Now, I saw that she was nervous because she liked me and she wanted me to like her. The whole thing threw me for a loop and took me a few days to take in.
The question I have for you is, what if you were the source of approval?
For the rest of today, operate as if that were true. Imagine that each person you speak with, no matter how beautiful, powerful, successful, or intimidating, wants your approval. How would you act? How would you speak? How would you look at them?
Let this guide your behavior today, and perhaps every day for the rest of your life.
Day 7 – Own Your Shadow
You are not perfect. Or saintly. Nor do you need to be. Remember the discussion about your shadow in Chapter 8? There’s actually many different parts inside of you. Our homeboy Freud just happened to name three of them: Id, Ego, and Superego.
The Id is about impulse, immediate desire, and is primarily self-focused. I want what I want, and I want it now. Sex, sweet foods, and pleasure. All fun, no work, no responsibility. The Superego is your internal school principal — trying to uphold order with a-hundred-and-one rules and commands for how you “should” be. And then there’s Ego in the middle, trying to take these two wildly differing inputs and choose effective behaviors in the world.
So today, here’s what you’re going to do. Pay attention to your Id. That’s it. Notice your impulses, your desires, and your reactions. Let yourself be more aware and curious about this part of you.
One moment you might notice you don’t want to do some difficult task or chore. Maybe you feel a desire to forget all that and just go have fun. Later in the day, you might notice an overpowering rage when someone talks over you in a meeting. You feel a desire to smash them in the face. In the evening, you might notice a desire to do less around the house so your spouse has to pick up the slack and put the kids to bed.
What if you didn’t suppress any of these thoughts or feelings? What if you didn’t judge yourself for having them, or make yourself wrong?
Of course, you probably wouldn’t want to leap across the table and attack Henry during the meeting, and maybe you would override your desire to shirk responsibility in the household. Paying attention to your Id doesn’t mean doing whatever it says to do.
Instead, you can just be curious about this part of yourself. You can be amused at how wacky and outrageous some of those urges are. I remember I was doing this experiment many years ago when I worked at a psychological counseling clinic in a major university. We used to have to sit through these extremely slow, dry, boring meetings that would drag on way beyond any reasonable timeframe. They always seemed so unproductive, and often involved lots of venting and complaining with no real solutions or direct leadership.
On one particular meeting, I just started paying attention to my Id and what it wanted to do in there. And guess what? I had this image of me jumping up on the big board room table, unzipping my fly, and peeing right there, all over everyone’s paper’s and coffee cups. It was so utterly absurd, I had to smile. And then I carried the fantasy out in my mind. What would they do? How would Dana react? Would they scramble to get their scones out of the way, or would they stare in utter shock and disbelief? Needless the say, with my mind focused on such absurdities the meeting passed by very quickly and I was soon free to carry on with my day.
Pay attention to your shadow today. Be amused. Love her up.
You Rock!
Ok, that brings us to the end of Week 1. You are amazing.
Now that you’re completing your foundation, it’s time to get in the Forge phase. Here you will start diving in and facing more discomfort by taking specific action in the world. Remember that there can be discomfort after taking bold action. You may feel embarrassed, worried about what others think, or insecure. Your mind might make up dramatic stories about how everyone in the world noticed, and thinks you suck, and that terrible things will happen if you don’t stop this challenge right now. That’s just your safety police getting stirred up.
Remember to use the tools you learned earlier in this book, including the Peace Process, Energy Bubble, and Pattern Interrupts, among others. And above all else, stick with the plan. It’s a good plan. If you really want to accelerate your progress, I recommend listening to the Peace Process guided audio once per day for the next seven days. It will greatly enhance your capacity to tolerate discomfort, thereby freeing you to do more of what you really want.
Day 8 – Ice Showers
Remember those from Chapter 11? That wasn’t an intellectual exercise. Cold showers can change your life. I’m serious. Doing them regularly strengthens your commitment, builds discipline and willpower, and can even reduce your body fat percentage.
Today when you get into the shower, take a minute to let yourself warm up, and then turn the water to as cold. Stay in the water for one minute. Be sure to lift your arms, get your chest and stomach, and let the water run over your head. You can count sixty seconds, or use a water-resistant watch. Once sixty seconds has passed, go back to warm for a minute or so, and then do one more sixty second blast of cold. Then enjoy your shower as usual, being sure to end with twenty to thirty seconds of cold water right at the end.
For maximum results, I suggest doing this in every shower you take, forever. But then again, I’m known for being extreme. At the very least, continue this practice for the remainder of your time in Boldness Training Bootcamp challenge.
Day 9 – Endure Disapproval
Today you are going to get some disapproval. Ack! That’s bad! Fortunately, it will all be in your head. Ooh, that’s good.
Find a quiet place to sit where you won’t be disturbed for fifteen minutes. Then, think of someone you know and like. Someone who you want to like you. Close your eyes and imagine them disapproving of you for something you did or failed to do. Preferably pick something you actually want to do, not just some random offensive thing.
For example, let’s say you get terrified about being late for meetings with your boss. Whenever you’re late you have a mini panic attack and spend your commute freaking out about how bad it will be. In that case, imagine being late for a meeting and your boss disapproving of you for it.
Or, let’s say you don’t want to prepare all the meals in your household. If you were to tell your spouse that you want them to be responsible for half of the meals, you know they would object and get upset, telling you it’s unfair because they already do X, Y, and Z. In that case, imagine making your request, and them being upset with you.
Do you have someone and something in mind? Good.
Simply imagine yourself going through with it, and let yourself see in your mind’s eye their disapproval. Then, bring your attention to your body, right into the part that’s most tense, tight, or constricted. It might be your chest, throat, stomach, or forehead. Maybe your shoulders hunch up and your jaw clenches. Wherever you feel tension, let your attention rest there.
Then breathe, notice, and feel. Stay out of your mind and in your body. You are simply increasing your capacity to tolerate this kind of discomfort. You don’t need to make it go away, or solve anything. You are just hanging out for 15 minutes with these sensations. It’s just a different kind of ice shower.
Day 10 – The Extended Order
Today involves going to a coffee shop or restaurant where you order at the counter. Make time for this in your schedule today.
When you get there, you are going to expose yourself to more disapproval by taking too long to order. When you get to the front of the line and it’s your turn, take a long, slow look at the menu. Look pained by the number of choices. Rap your fingers against the counter. Ask lots of questions.
“Uuuuhhhhhhhmmmm… hmmmmm…” (long pause).
“What’s the difference between Ginger Spice and Pumpkin Spice?”
Stay in it way longer than you want to. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Yes, someone might get upset with you. No, you’re not hurting anyone. And that’s exactly what you’re showing yourself by doing this exercise. It might annoy someone, but you can handle it, and no one dies. In fact, that person who’s all stressed out because you took an extra two minutes of their life could probably benefit from chilling their Type-A butt out anyway.
Day 11 – Disagreement Lite
Today you are going to pay close attention in your interactions with others and notice one thing: When you disagree. As you listen to someone speaking, ask yourself: Do I agree with this? Trust in your perspective and opinion.
When you notice when you disagree, simply take note of it. This is Disagreement Lite, so you don’t actually have to say anything. We’re just building your awareness about what you actually think, feel, and perceive.
Day 12 – Ask for Something For Free
Today is another fun one. Go somewhere, such as a food cart, sandwich shop, or other establishment and warmly ask for something for free.
“Excuse me, can I get have this bottle of water?”
“Can I get my Supreme Bowl for free?”
Notice your fear about asking before you ask. Notice their response. Notice your internal reactions to their response. Notice how you feel afterwards.
Any discomfort along the way? Good! That means you’re growing. It means you are alive.
Day 13 – Ask for What You Want
Find an opportunity today to specifically ask for something you want. Not, “Will you pass the salt, please?”
Pick something that is edgy or uncomfortable and ask for it. Something that the nice version of you would never have asked for. Perhaps it’s something that you judge as “too much” or maybe it inconveniences someone to give it to you. Stretch yourself here and lean into the edge of your comfort zone.
If your coworkers are going out to lunch, ask if one of them can bring you takeout from the restaurant when they come back. Better yet, ask if you can join them. Ask your spouse to listen as you share about something you’re proud of or excited about. Ask your friend to give you back the item she borrowed.
Think about it for a minute and you’ll know what the thing is. If it’s a little (or a lot) uncomfortable to ask for, you know you’re on the right track.
Day 14 – Share Something, Unsolicited
Today you are going to look for an opportunity to share something, without having been explicitly asked. This can be in any conversation, with colleagues, friends, or family. You’re going to break the habit of only sharing when someone asks you to.
Instead of waiting for them to ask, just share something. When you see your colleague, tell them about the improv comedy class you joined. When you see your friend, tell them about the hilarious movie you watched a week ago. When you see your spouse, share something you found interesting from your day, without waiting for them to ask.
Take a page out of the book of Zaim, or your inner three-your-old, and just assume everyone is interested, simply because you’re you. And you’re awesome.
Day 15 – Disagreement for Reals
You know what’s coming here. Today you are going to notice when you disagree with something that someone says, just like you did a few days ago. But today you are going to actually say something. If you’d like, you can review the many different ways to disagree, starting on page 277.
But trying too hard to get it right and make it perfect are often signs of trying to minimize discomfort. Instead, go for it. Let it be a little awkward, or messy. Also, pay close attention to how they react. You might be surprised to see how little they seem to notice.
Then, pay close attention to how your mind reacts over the following few minutes and hours. It could go down all kinds of catastrophe scenarios about death and ruin. Just smile at your safety police and love it up. The more you take bold action, the less power its words hold over you.
Day 16 – Disagreement Max
This one’s awesome. Today you are going to disagree again, but this time you are going to casually throw the actual word “disagree” in there. You don’t need to make a big deal about it, or bend the other person to your will or anything. You are simply using that word on purpose to show the scared, nice part of you that it’s no big deal, and that you can handle anything.
If someone’s sharing something and you disagree, you can simply say, “Interesting. I disagree. I think the most important thing to focus on would be blah blah blah.”
Be sure to throw the actual word “disagree” in there. It might seem trivial, but it is a powerful liberating force for your subconscious mind.
Day 17 – I Am the Owner
Today you are going to see yourself as the owner of your life. Remind yourself throughout the day:
I am the owner of my life.
I create what happens to me.
I always have choice.
In addition, let yourself see everyone you meet as the owner of their life as well. Give them that gift and the dignity of seeing them as a powerful creator. They have power, freedom, and choice. Even if they seem stuck or helpless, remind yourself to see them as the owner of their life, the captain of their ship, and the master of their destiny.
Day 18 – Certainty Rant
Sometime today, perhaps on your car ride to work or in the morning, go on a two minute certainty rant. To review this technique, refer to page 252.
Put your heart and soul into it. Rant with gusto, power, and energy. ¡Con fuerte!
Day 19 – Say No Today
The title says it all here. Find one opportunity to say “no” to someone today. Don’t wait for the perfect moment, or figure out how to say it in the best possible way. Just do it. Remind yourself that the ability to say “no” is a muscle that grows stronger with frequent use. And that doing so gives you more freedom, power, and choice in your life, which increases your happiness and ability to freely and joyously love others.
Day 20 – Interrupt Someone
Find an opportunity today to casually interrupt someone. You can try using enthusiasm as you do it, as if something really fascinating just popped into your head. Again, it doesn’t matter how you do it, or how smooth you are. Let it be clunky, or awkward, or messy. Just do it. Today.
Day 21 – Approach Authority
Actively move towards someone who you view as an authority. Likely targets can be your supervisor, boss, or boss’s boss at work. In the past you may have had a bad habit of avoiding these kinds of people and turning the other way. Not today!
Today you are going to seek them out and initiate a brief conversation. It can be totally casual, as you ride the elevator together. You can knock on their office door, and ask them a quick question or two about an upcoming project. It doesn’t matter what you say. The important thing is to approach them.
As you do so, remind yourself that they are just a person. Think of them using their first name, not their title. Remember, they were a kid once, and they have pains and fears and experience self-doubt too. Also remember that despite their status, you are the source of approval.
If you run your own business, are a stay at home parent, or don’t work today, pick someone else. Who is an authority for you that you tend to avoid out of nervousness? Your dad? An attractive stranger? Someone who’s well-dressed? Attorneys? Whoever it might be, find that person, call them, or reach out to them. Find a way to approach them today.
Day 22 – Say “No” Again
Today you are going to find another opportunity to say “no.” Repetition is the mother of skill, and makes saying no easier and easier. This time, take it a little further and offer no with no explanation at all. Simply smile and say, “No, thanks.” If the situation warrants an explanation, check your nice-person programming; it might not. That just might be a compulsive need to explain out of a fear of upsetting others. But if, upon further examination, you still would like to offer an explanation, keep it brief and with minimal details.
Day 23 – Have the Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding
Oh yeah. Now we’re getting into the really good stuff! You know that conversation you’ve been avoiding? The one that makes you a little sweaty to even think about? The one that makes your stomach tense and you feel like you have to either throw up, use the bathroom, or run away? That one.
Maybe it’s not that intense for you. Maybe it’s just that tense conversation about parenting styles, or money, or sex that you’ve been wanting to have with your spouse. Maybe it’s that conversation with a friend who’s been talking too much about his ex, but you’ve just let him because he seemed so broken up about it. You’re tired of hearing about it, and want to have time to talk about other things when you’re together.
It could be with your mom or your dad. Your brother or your teenage son. It could be someone you work with, or work for (gulp).
Do you know who it is now? Most likely you do. It might be the one you initially thought of, and then dismissed because it seemed too awkward or uncomfortable.
Fortunately, we both know that discomfort tolerance is the secret super power for an incredible life of happiness, freedom, and fulfilling relationships.
So, let yourself discover who that person is, and what the conversation that you need to have is. Then go have that conversation today.
You got this, rock star.
I love you.
Day 24 – Commit to Take Care Of Yourself
Decide today that you are going to take care of yourself. No, I don’t mean relax in bed, binge watch TV shows, and go get a pedicure. I mean make a deep commitment that you are going to start taking care of yourself.
This means you are going to ask yourself what you want and need in different situations and really listen to the response. You honor what you desire, and value it deeply. If a situation is unpleasant or unhealthy, you take care of yourself by speaking up, or getting out of there.
One of my clients was a seventy-eight-year-old woman who had suffered a stroke. She had mostly recovered, but she had to monitor her blood pressure to make sure she wasn’t getting stressed in her body, lest she have another stroke.
In spite of this potential consequence, she couldn’t stop herself from pushing her limits, demanding that she cook all the meals, do all the dishes, manage all the household tasks, and manage the accounting for the family business. As we discussed these patterns, we came up with the name “Superwoman” for the part of her that demanded she do more, regardless of her health.
Through our work together, I slowly convinced her to change her top priority from getting more done, looking good to others, or keeping up with her sister, to just one focus. In fact, I suggested she write this down and repeat it multiple times per day.
Above all else, my top priority is to take care of myself.
She began to say this each day, and implement it in her life. She began slowing down when she was driving herself hard, and listening to another part of herself, which she called “Common Sense.” This part told her to take breaks, to delegate responsibilities she didn’t need to personally take care of, and to sometimes just go outside for a walk. This part also encouraged her not to schedule back to back meetings, as they tended to stress her out.
As she began to listen to this part and take care of herself, she changed dozens of things in her life. In that time, her life transformed. Her blood pressure went down, and her multi-decade pattern of frequent panic attacks vanished.
What might happen today, and for the rest of your life, if you were to decide to make taking care of yourself a top priority?
Day 25 – Hold Nothing Back
This morning, ask yourself this question: If I held nothing back today, what would I say? What would I do?
Let yourself reflect for a few minutes on whatever comes to mind. Then proceed with your normal day.
Notice how you show up in different situations. Notice where you might be holding back. Ask yourself in those instances: If I wasn’t holding back right now, what would I say? What would I do?
This evening, before you go to sleep, reflect on these moments. Notice where you were bolder, more expressive, more you. How did it feel? Good? Exciting? Free? Was it a little unpredictable or scary?
Also, where did you hold back? What did you not say? What did you not do? How did that feel? Relieving? Predictable? Safe?
Notice whatever you notice, and draw whatever lessons you need from this day’s experiment.
Day 26 – Ask for What You Really Want
Today you are going to ask for what you really want. Earlier in this program you may have asked someone for something you wanted. Maybe you got it, and maybe you didn’t. Maybe it felt edgy or vulnerable to ask, and maybe it was simpler.
Regardless, it’s time to ask for something else. This time, pick something that you want even more. Choose someone close to you — a dear friend, a family member, or your partner.
Approach them directly. Be authentic, and be vulnerable. If you are nervous about asking, reveal that as well. Put yourself out there and ask for what you really want, just as you want it.
If any guilt, fear, or other discomfort arises, embrace it. You are becoming a discomfort tolerance master.
Day 27 – 100% Me
This morning you are going to write out this sentence stem and complete it twenty times. Do it as quickly as possible and do not overthink what you write. Do not hesitate or slow down, just keep writing the sentence stem and completing it again and again until you reach twenty.
The sentence stem is:
If I were being 100% me today, I would…
Once you’ve done this, bring it forward into your day. Be that way as much as you can in as many situations as you can.
Enjoy.
Day 28 – Ehhh!
Today you are going to practicing applying one of my favorite techniques. I don’t have a catchy name for it, so we’ll just call it “Ehh!” and it goes something like this.
During the course of the day, you are going to do something that used to cause discomfort because you would take responsibility for other people’s feelings. Maybe it’s asking for something, saying no, putting yourself first, or anything else out of the Not Nice playbook.
When you notice that discomfort arising, and that old familiar feeling of guilt, you are simply going to wave your hand through the air, as if you’re casually swatting at a fly. As you do this, say out loud, “Ehh! They’ll be fine.”
Imagine you are swatting away all the doubt, fear, obligation, and need to take care of others. In one simple wave of your hand, you release all of this, seeing them and yourself as creators and powerful adults.
It may take some practice, but once you’ve done enough of this kind of boldness training and internalized the messages in this book, you will be able to do it more and more. It’s an amazing feeling to have something that would have caused you days of agony in the past float by in just several seconds.
Day 29 – “Hell Yes” or “Hell No” Challenge
Today you are going to experiment with only doing something if it is a “Hell yes!” for you. Anything less than a “hell yes” is a “hell no,” so don’t do it. Decline an invitation, don’t complete some paperwork, or tell your coworker you can’t get that task done for him today.
You may enjoy doing this, and it may feel liberating. Or, you may feel anxious, worried that your entire world will fall apart at the seams. Regardless, stick with it for the entire day. You’re just flexing that discomfort muscle and getting it stronger, which will help you in all your relationships, and in all areas of your life.
If you enjoy it, you just might choose to do it again tomorrow.
Day 30 – See with The Eyes Of Love
Today you are going to practice seeing through all nice person messages, evaluations, expectations, and demands you place on yourself and others. Take twenty or thirty minutes and go to a busy place with lots of people, such as a food court, plaza, or mall. Then, just sit on a bench and look around you at all the people walking by. Find someone to focus on and let your attention settle on them. Breathe, relax in your body, and observe this person as they move through the world.
Can you get a gut sense of what they’re like? Do they seem happy or sad? Excited or tired? Who are they with? Are they alone? Do they seem lonely or at peace? Are they with their parents, partner, friends, or kids? Do they seem open and loving, or closed and constricted? Let yourself wonder what their dreams are. Muse about what things they might fear in life. Are they too nice? Do they want others to like them? How have they criticized and judged themselves? What parts of themselves might they have hidden away or thought of as bad and wrong?
Don’t answer these questions with your mind through rational analysis. Instead, just feel your breath and focus your attention on your heart. Let yourself feel these answers, sensing the essence of this person. Then, let yourself move on to someone else.
Do this for fifteen to twenty minutes. Afterwards, stand up and walk back to your car, or house, or office. What did you experience? What did you notice?
Is it possible that everyone else is wrapped up in their own fears, dreams, desires, and doubts? Are others terrified of being judged by their family, friends, peers, or even strangers? What was it like to see with the eyes of love?
As you know by now, this process doesn’t end with Day 30. By now you have some solid momentum, and I encourage you to use it. Keep going! Each day, look for opportunities to practice being less nice.
Ask for what you want, say “no,” speak up, share freely, disagree, share your perspective or opinion, interrupt, prevent someone from interrupting you, discover what you want, take care of yourself, and give yourself permission to be you.
Just like going to the gym, the longer you go, the stronger you get. The more social power and freedom you generate, which allows you to speak more freely, express yourself more boldly, and rise to higher levels of leadership in all areas of your life.
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for joining me on this epic journey, which never really ends. I am your brother on this same path, looking for opportunities each day to be more authentic, expressive, free, and truly loving with others on this planet.
I hope that we get a chance to meet one day, perhaps at one of my live events. I am amazed at the intelligence, heart, courage, and commitment of the people who attend those. I find that I grow just as much as everyone there, and there is a beautiful process of symbiotic healing for us all.
And who knows, perhaps we’ll meet in a very different context. I just might happen to be in line at a coffee shop, waiting to place my order, and hear someone in front of me taking way too long to order, loudly saying, “Hmmm… What’s the difference between a mint chip latte and a double mocha latte?”
I wish you all the best, my friend, on your path towards greater authenticity, freedom, happiness, and deeply fulfilling relationships.
With love and gratitude,
Aziz.
Oh, there’s just one more thing I want to share with you. It’s a selection of short stories from my own life of applying the pillars of Not Nice in my daily life. Enjoy.