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Emerson
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MY ENTIRE CHILDHOOD I was alone, unwanted, unloved. Until Colt came bouncing through my window, literally. Inserting himself into my life and my bed. Slowly he and his dad filled that empty hole in my chest and made me feel cherished, loved, like I was important to someone.
Looking back, I always thought being alone would be the worst thing I’d ever have to experience. But I was wrong.
So wrong.
Feeling alone in a room full of people laughing and talking and having fun, is worse.
Feeling alone and having to pretend everything is okay with fake smiles and shallow conversation, when all you want to do is escape, is worse.
But the absolute worst, is feeling alone when the one person you share everything with is sleeping right beside you.
There might as well be a concrete wall between Colt and I now. Since getting back from the beach, things have been tense and quiet. Colt has been a lot more subdued than normal.
His normal, loud, outgoing personality, carefree attitude, and grin have been replaced by a quiet, tense and brooding façade.
I threw myself into work, picking up every shift I could. When I wasn’t working, I was at the library trying to get ahead on my studies for the new year. If I wasn’t studying, I was at the coffee shop hoping Keely would talk to me. I really want a girlfriend. Someone I can confide in. Not that I could ever confide in her about what’s going on now. Still, a female friend would be nice.
I kept myself busy all summer, not wanting to stay home and see Colt everywhere I turned. It’s not that he wanted to stop. That’s fine. I get it. It’s more the way he did it. When he did it.
He brought me to my knees in every single way.
I gave myself to him, because he’s the only person I trust. The only person I love. I’d do anything he asked of me. And he waited until I was at my most vulnerable, on my knees doing something I never considered doing before him, to tell me we had to stop.
Well screw him.
I can’t look at him because every time I do, I see that moment he shut down and pushed me away.
“You’re doing it again.” Austin nudges me with his arm.
After the longest summer in the history of summers, I’m back in class and falling into a comfortable routine. Pre-season has started and the team is training harder than ever, for which I’m grateful. Colt is out of the apartment most of the day and night, getting home too exhausted and falling into bed before getting up and doing it again the next day.
“Hmm?”
“I said, you’re doing it again.”
I don’t reply.
“You’re brooding,” Austin presses.
“I don’t brood.”
“Fine. You’re moping. You’ve been like this for weeks.” He directs me over to a tree and sits down in the shade.
I shrug.
“Em, come on. Tell me what’s going on? Colt’s a fucking nightmare. And you’re miserable.”
“What’s Colt said?” I ask, crossing my legs and bringing my coffee to my lips.
“Nothing. He’s just being a dick.”
“He is a dick,” I mutter, but Austin either doesn’t hear or chooses to ignore me.
“He loses his temper. He walks off the court in the middle of training.”
I lift my eyebrows in surprise.
“Em, he’s never done that. Not even when he broke his finger during his second game. He stayed. Now, we’re lucky if he shows up to training. Coach is about to lose his shit. And if Colt isn’t careful, he’ll be out on his ass before the end of the year. Coach doesn’t give second chances.”
I place my coffee on the ground with trembling fingers and sigh. What’s Colt doing? Basketball is his life. He’ll destroy everything he’s worked so hard for and it’s my fault. I’ve been distancing myself from him because it’s too painful to be around him, but I haven’t considered how that affects him.
I keep him grounded. I give him something to focus on, bring him back to reality when things get a little out of control or too much to cope with.
And I haven’t been there for him.
I’ve left him to deal with his thoughts and feelings, alone.
A tear slips down my cheek and I wipe it away, sniffling. What sort of friend am I to let him work through the chaos in his head, alone?
Austin wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me to his chest. “Talk to me. Let me help.”
“I don’t know where to start.”
“Most stories start at the beginning.” He rubs his hand up and down my arm, comforting me.
So, taking a deep breath, I start at the beginning. The very beginning. I tell Austin about my childhood, my parents, how Colt was my hero and how we’ve spent every day and night together for so long.
I tell him about Colt’s mom, and my dad’s role in her death. I fill him in on everything, from mine and Colt’s first kiss, that stupid peck on the lips we swore we’d never do again, to the first time Colt felt me up. I explain my inability to trust anyone and how it stems from my parents. My fear of kissing, or being intimate with anyone, and then I tell him about Colt and I and everything from the first time he touched me, to the first time I saw him naked, giving him my virginity, and the shower incident.
Once I’m done, I’m in tears and utterly exhausted. My head hurts and my brain is fried.
Austin remains quiet and I fear I’ve said too much, then he chuckles. “It’s so obvious. I should have seen it sooner.”
“What?”
“You’re miserable, not because you’re embarrassed he stopped you mid-blow-job—which I commend him for, by the way; that’s some feat—but because you’re in love with him and he broke your heart.”
“What?” I screech, rearing back and looking at Austin like he’s lost his damn mind. I am not in love with Colt. He’s my best friend.
“You’re in love with him.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
I shake my head. “No freaking way.”
He gives me a hard look. “You don’t trust anyone except for Colt. You said so yourself. You can’t hold someone’s hand because it requires trust you’re not able to give.”
Folding my arms over my chest, I sigh. “I trust you.”
“Not like you trust him. And why is that?” He drops his arm from around my shoulder. “Because you’re in love with him.”
“Not true.” I smirk at him and pick up his hand, threading my fingers through his to show I trust him too. “See. I trust you.”
I force a smile. Austin’s hand is all sorts of wrong in mine. His skin is rougher, not as warm. His fingers are shorter, his palm too wide. It doesn’t fit like Colt’s.
“Prove it.” His mouth pulls up into a sly grin.
I lift our joint hands and wave them in his face.
“Not even close.” He pulls his hand from mine, and in a move that lives up to his reputation, he grabs me by the waist and pulls me into his lap, so I’m straddling him.
I gasp in a shaky breath and press my hands to his shoulders, angling my body away from his. We’re too close; it’s unnatural. I swallow.
“What are you doing?” I’m impressed with my ability to keep my voice steady when all I want to do is shriek and run away.
“Do you trust me?” he asks.
“Yes.” And I do. He’s become a good friend. I trust him enough to confide in him.
“As much as Colt?”
I nod.
Austin’s mouth quirks up in a smile. He leans in close, and my breath halts as he whispers, “Kiss me.”
His lips are an inch away from mine, his breath fans my face and my eyes drift closed. I clench his shirt, digging my fingers into his shoulders and lick my lips. My mouth is dry, parched. Austin’s hands slide around my back, pulling me to him.
I part my lips. “I... I’m in love with Colt. I can’t,” I blurt.
I gasp and slap a hand over my mouth, staring at Austin with wide eyes.
He chuckles and moves me off his lap. “Told you.”
“You did that on purpose.” I punch him in the arm.
“Sorry. It was the only way to get you to realize it.”
“I love him?” I say.
“You do.”
“What do I do?
Austin picks up my hand and grins. “I’ll help you get the guy.”