Sunday, July 24, 2011
DAX’S conscience had nagged him for the last six months. He hadn’t found an opportunity to apologize to Holly about New Year’s Day. She’d avoided him like Death himself. He didn’t know how she’d managed, but she had. Except for occasional responses to the same accident, during which she’d been cool and ultra-professional, she’d never spoken to him. She hadn’t been around when he’d dropped by the fire station from time to time to see Brett, and even his friend had noticed her total absence from the wilderness and mountain survival classes Dax sometimes assisted Brett with.
He had to admire her fortitude, despite her obvious dismissal of him. When Holly made a decision, she certainly had the tenacity to stick by it. And she had, quite apparently, made a decision about him. Her presence in his life before had been small, but this marked, and total, absence had to be intentional. She couldn’t “just happen” to avoid him so much. The previous eighteen months of her employment with the fire department had proven that.
Dax had caught sight of her once at the fire station after one of her shifts. That had been a split second to see her back as she’d walked the other way, head high. He’d followed her to apologize, so his conscience would leave him be, only to reach the door just in time to watch her car leave the parking lot.
I should be grateful. He'd wanted to avoid her as much as she'd obviously wanted to avoid him. However, the less he saw of her, the more he thought about her. Much to his annoyance and disgust, he couldn’t get her out of his head. Her tears the last time they’d spoken haunted him. The betrayal and hurt he’d seen despite her attempts to hide it behind a wall of anger. Just the memory he needed to complicate already tormented dreams.
Brett, in fine mother-hen fashion, had been the only one to say something. He’d cornered Dax in mid-January, then again in March, and again in May. He’d initially demanded that Dax fix whatever he’d done to Holly. The last time Brett had insinuated the conflict was affecting his and Holly’s partnership, though he hadn’t gone into detail.
Truth be told, Dax didn’t know how to fix things with Holly. If it could be fixed. Not that he cared… though he wouldn’t say so to Brett. Incurring further wrath from his best friend wasn’t high on Dax’s list of priorities. Brett would corner him again soon. He was due for another lecture.
Dax headed to the parking lot of the apartment complex, ready to begin a new shift. A car pulled into the spot next to the Tahoe. He groaned. Time’s up.
Brett didn’t look happy.
His pace slowed, and he glanced at his watch. Still a few minutes before he needed to check in via radio to say he was on duty. No escape from the coming lecture.
Feet braced apart, Brett crossed his arms over his chest. “I have a bone to pick with you.”
Dax gritted his teeth. If he’d just left the apartment two minutes sooner, he’d have been gone by the time Brett arrived. Two lousy minutes. “What about?” He instilled as much innocent interest as he could muster.
Brett gave him a knowing look. “Don’t play innocent with me, Dax Alexander Donovan.”
He winced. Ouch. Full name. Only Mom usually did that.
“You need to get this issue between you and Holly resolved.”
“I’ve tried to apologize.” He shrugged. “She avoids me like the plague. What am I supposed to do if the woman won’t even be in the same room with me? Stalk her? That’ll look real good on my record.”
His friend glared at him. “You and I both know if you truly wanted to talk to her, you’d have found a way by now. You know when she works, when she’s off, where she is during shifts, and where she lives. Any more excuses you want to toss out there?”
“I suppose not, except for what business is it of yours?” Maybe not the wisest question when talking to the woman’s partner.
“Because it’s gone on long enough, and I’m tired of it.” Brett’s eyes narrowed. “If you don’t shape up and deal with this like a grown-up, I’ll tell your mother.”
Dax flinched. “You wouldn’t!”
“Try me.” There was nothing teasing in that dirty look.
His gaze dropped away, any inclination to argue dying a premature death. He chafed at the fact it felt like his mother had just chastised him about his bad attitude again. If she found out about this Holly thing… he could already hear the lecture. He didn’t appreciate the irony of a thirty-one-year-old man who carried a gun and faced down drug runners, unruly drunks, and ticked off members of the public without hesitation being afraid of his mommy.
“Very good then. I can rest assured this issue will be resolved today.” Brett opened the door of his car. “You’ll feel better afterwards, Dax. I promise.” He climbed into his car. In a few seconds, he backed out of the parking space and left.
The weight of indecision hung over Dax. Brett promised he’d feel better after talking to Holly. He had more than a few doubts about that, given how poorly the two of them had been able to relate. He couldn’t recall a single interaction, other than professional, ending in anything but hostility, anger, or hurt feelings on one or both sides. Couldn’t Brett see Dax and Holly weren’t compatible and accept it?
Dax’s vehicle waited. He got behind the wheel, radioed the office to check in, and headed for the fire station. Brett had been in uniform, so chances were good that Holly was working, too.
He wasn’t thrilled that Brett had so effectively eliminated the only excuse Dax had. It had been easier to blame Holly for the continued breach. I should hit the streets and ignore Brett’s threat. He sighed. If he did that, Brett would just nail him the next day or, worse, get his mother involved. That had been a low blow. A man his age didn’t need either of his parents to solve his problems.
At the fire station a few minutes later, he stopped outside the double glass doors. Holly was probably inside. Since the radio clipped to his waist remained quiet, he wasn’t needed on the streets yet, except for patrol. So he didn’t have a good reason—by Brett’s standards—to run at that point.
Run? He stiffened. You’re not running away from this! Just the thought stirred up anger. With new determination, he reached for the handle of the right side door.
~~~
Holly was pouting. She knew that. She wasn’t sure what annoyed her more—the fact she was doing it, or the fact that she realized she was doing it. Brett had been right. The breach with Dax had gone on long enough, and the fact Holly had contemplated changing jobs, even if it meant moving away, to escape the tension every time Dax was likely to show up at an accident said so. That she’d been biting Brett’s head off with increasing frequency and little provocation was even worse.
She shouldn’t have mentioned to Brett that she’d considered a change in venue. She hadn’t admitted why she considered leaving a job she’d always loved, but Brett was nobody’s fool. Her partner had driven right to the unspoken heart of the matter, in true Brett fashion, and informed Holly that she would apologize to Dax for her role in the quarrel. He’d never asked Holly, not once in the last six months, exactly what had happened or who’d started it.
“You both played a part,” he’d informed Holly just a half hour earlier with more than a little confidence. Holly had wanted to deny the charge, but she knew better.
She’d avoided Dax since New Year’s Day. Not only had she harbored a grudge, which she hated to admit, but because of it, she hadn’t allowed opportunity for Dax to apologize. Not that she expected him to. She’d never known Dax to apologize to anyone for anything.
However, her forgiveness wasn’t dependent on Dax showing remorse or repentance. Letting go of hurt and anger would free her from the sin of unforgiveness and open the door for reconciliation if Dax ever decided to apologize. If nothing else, it would make her life less stressful and stop the tension she took out on poor Brett. Easier said than done though.
The garage buzzed with activity as some of the fire crew checked and cleaned equipment after having dealt with a fire earlier in the day. Connor Halliday, one of the fire fighters who also served as a paramedic, stood at the sink scrubbing a baked-on casserole dish.
Holly lounged in a chair in the kitchen.
“You alright there, Randall?”
She glanced around into Connor’s concerned gaze. “Yeah. Just hating myself at the moment.” She put a laugh into the words so he’d think she was joking around.
He chuckled and went back to scrubbing the dish.
Holly closed her eyes and prayed. Alright, Lord, I get the picture. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to catch on to this one. I’m stubborn sometimes… a lot of times. It’s a very good thing You’re so patient. I keep waiting for You to get fed up and squash me like an insignificant little bug. I’m not trying to be difficult, but You know that. I’m so sorry. She suppressed a sniffle that might alert Connor or one of the other men that she was on the verge of tears. You’ve forgiven me for far worse sins than what I need to forgive Dax over, but I hurt, Lord. You know that better than anyone. Help me set it aside and forgive Dax the way You’ve forgiven me—completely and unconditionally.
As Holly prayed, months-old hurt eased. Anger cooled. Peace descended. She clung to it like a lifeline. She knew better than to think she’d forgiven Dax so easily, but she was well on the way down that new road. With God’s help, she’d reach absolute forgiveness at some point. At least she didn’t have to carry it alone anymore. Gratitude welled up. Thank you, Lord.
“You sure you’re alright?” Connor’s voice brought her head up.
“Better than I’ve been in a while.” With a bright smile, Holly stretched her arms over her head to release the tension she’d carried in her shoulders. “Much better,” she added at Connor’s dubious look.
“So, how are things with you and Deputy Donovan?” The fire fighter turned back to scrubbing.
Suspicion at the timing of the question was instant. “You talk to Brett, by any chance?”
“No, why?” Connor seemed genuinely puzzled.
Holly waved a hand in the air. “Never mind.”
A few moments of silence passed, then Connor turned to Holly again. “So? Have you two made peace yet?”
Holly shot the man a disgruntled look but figured there wasn’t much point in denying the existence of a problem. Was there anyone who didn’t know about it?
“What makes you think Dax wants to make peace?” Hopefully Connor would just shrug and drop the subject. Then again, maybe he knew something she didn’t.
“Because he has the hots for you, of course.” A cockeyed grin matched a knowing luster in dark eyes, eyebrows raised as though the answer was obvious.
Holly laughed outright. “Yeah, right.” She got out of her chair and put the back of her hand to her co-worker’s forehead.
“What are you doing?”
“Checking for a fever. You’re clearly delirious.” Could he have come up with anything more insane?
Connor grinned. “Mark my words. He’s got a thing for you.”
“Oh, please, he can’t stand the sight of me.” She rolled her eyes. “Have you ever been around when we talk? All we do is argue.”
“Well, of course. With all the sexual tension, and both of you denying it, how can you not have some humdinger fights?”
Holly laughed again. This time with far less certainty. Connor’s words had a ring of truth that struck too close to home. Not that she believed Dax was interested in her, but she certainly was attracted to him, and she hated it. So, she begrudgingly admitted, to herself anyway, Connor might be onto something about the source of the hostility, at least from her side.
They turned at a rap on the doorframe between the kitchen and the outer hall.
She stiffened. Oh, God, please tell me he didn’t overhear that conversation!
~~~
Dax took half a step into the room. Two pairs of eyes turned to him. Connor Halliday smiled and turned off water in the sink. Dax’s gaze connected with the one he sought. Holly’s expression transitioned from shock to guilt to trepidation to a bright smile so fast he nearly stepped back in surprise.
“Good evening, Dax.” Holly greeted him with what he could only classify as pleasure.
Not the cold, impersonal, strictly professional acknowledgment he’d expected. Thrown, he stared blankly at her.
“Is there something we can help you with?”
What had he wanted? He couldn’t remember, trapped by curious, sparkling blue eyes that grew more confused by the second as he stared dumbly at her. His heart pounded heavy and hard, and he found it difficult to breathe.
Holly shifted her weight from one foot to the other. An uneasy look crossed her face. “Dax?”
She glanced at Connor, who was drying his hands on a small towel.
Without Holly’s gaze binding him, reality jolted Dax into motion. He shot a glance at Connor.
An amused, knowing grin crept across the man’s face and sent heat up Dax’s neck.
“Uh….” His brain scrambled for his reason for being there. What had he wanted? Oh, yeah. Brett. “I wondered if I might speak with you for a moment.”
“Me?” Connor pointed a finger at himself. The amusement in his eyes said he was messing with Dax.
Not cool, dude. He shook his head and pointed to Holly. “Holly, actually.” He looked at her, not quite meeting her gaze for fear he’d freeze up again. “Uh… privately, please.” He didn’t want to do this in front of someone else.
Holly cast a questioning glance at Connor, who nodded. “Go for it. I’m sure I can finish dishes unsupervised.”
She seemed reluctant to pull herself away from the counter. As she passed the sink, Connor grinned and whispered something that sounded suspiciously like “I told you so.”
What is that about? He clenched his teeth. Don’t ask. None of your business. Dax stepped into the hall then followed Holly to the empty conference room. Once she slipped inside, he glanced into the hall to make sure they didn’t have eavesdroppers and closed the door.
She waited, a look like dread on her face.
“Listen, I… uh… I’ve been meaning to talk to you.” He stammered, appalled at being so nervous. Good grief. His palms were sweating. He resisted the urge to wipe them on his pants. This shouldn’t be so hard. “I haven’t been able to catch you, and….” He waved a hand in the air with an impatient frown. He was about to make empty excuses for not doing it sooner. He shook his head. “Never mind, that’s not important. Anyway, what I wanted to say is I’m sorry for my behavior New Year’s Day.”
Holly’s expression changed to shock, and she rocked back on her heels a bit.
He frowned. Was it really so stunning that he’d apologized?
“Um….” She paused then shook her head, her expression shifting into a faint smile. “It’s okay. It’s forgiven.”
He searched for any sign of insincerity. None. Not even a hint. She seemed genuine. His turn to be surprised. He hadn’t expected it to be so easy. Before he could formulate a response, she added more.
“I owe you an apology, too. Our argument wasn’t entirely your fault, and I’m sorry.”
“There’s nothing to forgive.” Dax grinned, tension draining.
For the first time in his recollection of their two-year association, Holly gave him an honest-to-goodness, warm smile that reached those beautiful blue eyes.
Dax realized he was staring when a blush pinkened her cheeks. He shook himself free. “Well, I better head out. I’m sure there’ll be drunk drivers to arrest and speeders to ticket out there tonight.”
He backed away then opened the door and headed down the hall to the outside door. Oddly enough, he felt really light.
~~~
“Stay safe, Dax.” Holly stood in the hall and watched him leave, still unable to shake the shock. What just happened?
“By the way, Holly?” He turned just as he pushed against the outside door.
“Yeah?”
“Maybe sometime we can get a drink or something? You know, so we can talk without work in the middle.”
She stared at him without responding. Was he teasing, or did he mean it? Was he playing some kind of weird game? His face reflected interest, and a touch of vulnerability that tugged at her heart. Had he just asked her out?
“Um, yeah, I guess. Sure.” Way to go, genius. Brilliant way to answer a question.
“Great! See you later.” With another wide, pleased grin, Dax turned on his heel and disappeared.
Holly felt helpless to rattle herself loose from surprise. Had Dax Donovan not only just apologized but asked her out, or had she misunderstood? She shook her head. She’d definitely read more into the invitation than Dax had intended. He probably had no idea she’d take things to heart. He’d said they should go out so they could talk. Should she be worried about what he wanted to discuss?
She returned to the kitchen. Maybe Connor needed some help straightening up.
Connor waited with an expectant look on his face. “So?”
“So? What?” Holly slouched into a chair after scanning spotless counters, aiming for as much normalcy as possible.
“Soooo, did you two make nice?” Connor asked with the impatience of a child.
Holly refrained from rolling her eyes. “I suppose you could say that.”
A call saved her from having to divulge anything further.
Brett ran in from the garage. “You coming?”
So that’s where he’d disappeared to earlier. How had she missed him when she’d looked? Hadn’t his car been gone? Hm.
She followed Brett to the ambulance.
~~~
Dax’s pleasure lasted as long as it took to pull his Tahoe onto the highway. Then it hit him. He’d asked Holly out. Whoa, dude, what were you thinking? Are you out of your mind?
Recalling the way he’d felt when his gaze had locked with hers, he groaned. Yep. Clean out of his head. He’d completely forgotten himself when he’d looked into those beautiful eyes and seen that gorgeous smile.
He hadn’t dated in years, since high school in fact. From the moment he’d decided to go into law enforcement, he’d sworn off dating. Since he didn’t intend to marry while working as a cop, there hadn’t been much point. His parents had drilled into him during his formative years that dating had one purpose. To find your future spouse. Therefore, dating someone who wasn’t a potential life-mate was out of the question.
Dax wasn’t interested in casual flings, which was probably for his own good since his parents would have his head if he treated women so disrespectfully. He’d considered asking women out for drinks or dinner from time to time to assuage the loneliness, but they might get the wrong idea. He hadn’t wanted one to develop romantic feelings, only to be hurt when she found out he meant to stand by his platonic and very temporary intentions.
Then he went and blew it by asking Holly out? He sighed. How would he get out of this mess? “Nice job, Donovan. Nice job.” He had to think of something, preferably before he saw her again, which would probably be sometime during that shift.
Trouble was, he’d love to see one of those smiles again.