HOLLY’S immediate impression when father and son stepped into the kitchen was that they could almost be carbon copies. Same height. The same curly black hair and bright green eyes. The build and bone structure, the jaw line, were identical. Likeness ended with physical traits though. Where Dax’s green eyes were most often cold and distant, or outright hostile, his dad’s expression held warmth and openness as he approached.
Terry made the introductions.
That fact didn’t escape Holly’s notice, or Dax’s father’s apparently. He gave his son a brief, reproachful look.
Dax glanced away. He couldn’t possibly have made it any plainer that he didn’t want her there.
Lunch conversation started off slow after Wes said grace. They made sandwiches with the eggs, bacon, sliced cheese, and vegetables Terry had provided.
Dax picked at his food more than ate it.
Holly forced hers down, finding it difficult to eat with Dax sulking at her side. Even though he sat in his own space and didn’t touch her, she felt surrounded by him. His parents were nothing but warm and gracious, but Dax was… well… Dax.
Unable to stop herself, Holly looked from him to his mom often. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t see any similarities in their temperaments. She didn’t see Dax’s chilly tendencies in his friendly, sociable mother.
“Holly, you never said if Shannon’s married or has children.” Terry disrupted her reverie.
“She married the week after we graduated from high school.” She gladly latched onto the safe topic. “She and Gary just celebrated nine years. They have five children. Shannon called a couple of weeks ago with the news that number six is on the way.”
“Aiming for a basketball team?” A sparkle lit Terry’s blue eyes, punctuating her teasing tone as she mimicked Holly’s earlier joke about Chase and Jordan.
Holly laughed. “I’ve given her a hard time about it.” A touch of envy hit. She wanted a family of her own, but that would never happen.
“How old are the kids?”
Holly shot Terry a grateful look for distracting her again.
Other than a soft smile, Terry didn’t indicate that she’d noticed anything amiss.
“Peter and Riley will be nine in late September.” Let them draw whatever conclusion they desired from that, given the proximity of that birthday to her sister’s anniversary. “Stephanie is six. Molly and Ruby turned four a couple of months ago.”
“Two sets of twins?” Terry asked.
Holly nodded, appreciating the woman’s sensitivity and wisdom in choosing the more gracious observation.
“Twins?” Wes’ eyebrows reached his hairline.
“Identical twins run in her family,” Terry explained.
His expression shifted from shock to amusement as his gaze jumped from Holly to his son.
Dax didn’t notice, his gaze still on his plate.
“Well, isn’t that interesting.” Wes’ amused comment drew his son’s gaze.
Dax’s frown deepened.
What was that about?
The older man shoved the end of a strip of leftover bacon into his mouth, chewing with a barely suppressed grin.
Terry popped him lightly on the arm.
He cast her a questioning look, feigning innocence.
“Don’t look at me like that.” His wife gave him a knowing look. “I know better.”
Wes chuckled and laid an arm across the back of Terry’s chair, leaning in to kiss her stern mouth until it softened into a playful grin.
Holly laughed softly at their antics. Though the interplay between father and son had gone over her head, Wes and Terry’s devotion to each other was clear and easy to interpret. She battled another stab of jealousy and shot a quick look at Dax, who watched his parents with blatant envy. She sucked in a breath.
He must have heard her gasp, because he glanced at her. All expression fled his face, and he looked back at his plate.
Her heart ached. Was he as lonely as she was and craving what his parents had just as much? Not something she needed to know. It only made him more appealing. She had to distance herself from the man, not be drawn even more to him.
She scanned the room, seeking something else to talk about. Her gaze clashed with brown eyes observing her without falter. “Does he always stare at people like that?”
Everyone at the table turned to look in the direction of her gaze.
Terry chuckled. “Dirt is a student of human nature.”
At the sound of his name, the dog’s tail thumped lightly on his bed.
“That’s her way of saying he constantly studies people, sizing them up in case he ever has to make the choice between taking them down or killing them in their sleep,” Dax mumbled.
Terry grinned. “Don’t let Dax kid you. Dirt’s a sweet boy. Unless you threaten me, he won’t hurt you.”
“Dirt?”
“That’s what happens when you let a child name your dog.” Wes rolled his eyes. “I told her not to let our then not-quite-two-year-old granddaughter name him, but she didn’t listen.” He cast his wife a sideways mock-scolding look.
“It works.” Terry gave a casual shrug. “With his coloring, he looks dirty.”
“It’s not a dignified name for a German shepherd,” Wes grumbled. His eyes twinkled playfully, lending lie to his sullen tone. “If he had a brain in his head, he’d have run away and found a more sensible home when he was a pup.”
Holly grinned.
When they finished eating, Terry refilled their coffee and her orange juice and left plates and platters sitting where they were. Holly had expected her to begin clearing the table and rush them out of the way, as Mom had always done in her eagerness to set the kitchen to rights again, but Dax’s mom seemed content to sit and sip juice with her husband, son, and guest. Wes and Dax acted like there wasn’t anything unusual about it.
As conversation wound down, Holly searched for a way to excuse herself and give Dax space, as well as get some breathing room herself. A need for sleep would sound too lame, even if true. Errands would be a lie. She’d taken care of those before stopping at the Sheriff’s office to see Dax.
Before she grappled an excuse to the ground, Dax’s hushed voice broke the gathering silence. “I killed a man this morning.” His gaze rested on his mother.
Terry leaned back in her chair with a pained expression. Then she closed her eyes and let out a shaky breath, her shoulders drooping. At last, her eyes opened. “How did it happen?” Her expression contained nothing more than clinical interest as if he’d mentioned some mundane incident at work.
He summed up the events of that morning.
Terry glanced at Holly, who nodded to confirm what he’d said, though she’d only known what had come over the scanner. Terry’s gaze slid to her husband, who lowered the arm on the back of her chair to her shoulders.
Holly couldn’t interpret the brief look that passed between husband and wife.
“I’ve feared this since the day you said you wanted to be a deputy.” Terry’s sad gaze met her son’s, clinical detachment disappearing. “I hoped and prayed you’d be spared this. Let me guess. You hate the fact you killed another human being.”
“The guy was a drug smuggling scumbag, intent on getting heroine to kids,” Dax bit out. “I shouldn’t feel bad for taking him out, but I do.”
“To be perfectly honest, I’d be a lot more concerned if you didn’t feel remorse.”
“Are you crazy?” His voice rose in both pitch and volume.
“You wouldn’t be the first person to accuse me of it.” Terry offered a faintly amused smile. Humor faded. “The fact of the matter is, you took the life of another human being. God programmed us to find killing another person repugnant, regardless of why we do it. People who don’t feel that way are hardened in a way I pray you never know or understand.”
Dax shoved his chair back so hard it almost toppled over, pushed to his feet, and paced away. He stopped at the French doors, shoved a hand through dark curls, and turned to face them. “How would you know? How can you sit there and pretend to understand how I feel?”
The reproachful look Holly saw on his father’s face said Dax’s disrespectful tone hadn’t gone unnoticed.
Holly’s temper rose, but she tightened her hold on it, fully expecting one or both of his parents to lambaste him. It wasn’t her place.
Terry surprised her by rising to her feet, walking across the room, and putting gentle hands on Dax’s upper arms. “I do understand, Dax. I’ve killed, too.” The admission held deep pain and remorse, making Holly’s heart ache. Such a horrid experience for a mother and son to share.
“What?” He froze. “All the times we’ve talked about my job and its risks… you never told me that.”
“I hoped I’d never have to. I didn’t want that knowledge to change the way you see me.”
“Come, sit down, you two.” A gentle smile softened Wes’ command.
As Terry and Dax returned to their seats, albeit reluctantly in Dax’s case, Holly grew even more uncomfortable. She didn’t belong there, silent witness to a private discussion meant for family, but she had no idea how to gracefully and quietly extricate herself.
“You’ve heard many times how I met your father,” Terry said after a short silence.
Dax nodded.
“And you know the man who hunted me was killed.”
Another nod.
“We never told you how he died.”
“You said a beam fell on him in that burning building after he shot Dad.”
“It did, right before your father pushed me out a window.” Terry glanced at her husband and seemed to draw strength from him. “I’ve let you believe for years that it ended there, but it didn’t. As you know, it wasn’t until after your father came out the window that I realized he’d been shot. He was unconscious.” Her tear-filled gaze turned to her husband.
He smiled tenderly with such love and affection, Holly’s heart ached all the more.
“Grabel showed up again while I waited for help. He was badly burned, but hate can drive even a seriously injured man. He made his intention to shoot us perfectly clear.”
“You killed him?”
“Yes.”
“You didn’t have a choice! He would’ve killed you both. The guy was a raving lunatic!” Dax’s certainty couldn’t have come across more loud or clear.
“I know.” Terry confirmed with a nod. Sadness still filled her eyes. “For a long time I wouldn’t let myself think about it. I didn’t want to admit it felt wrong to kill him.” She paused, searching for words. “I don’t regret saving us from him. I do regret having to kill him. He gave me no other choice.”
Dax nodded after a moment of thought.
Holly hurt for both of them.
~~~
“I think I understand King David better, at least to some degree, because of what happened.”
Dax struggled with an impatient retort. Leave it to his mother to bring up the Bible. He bit his tongue at a stern look of warning from his father. Dad had already let one snide comment slide. He wasn’t prepared to do so again.
“I used to wonder how David could be a man of God and live with the fact he’d killed so many in war.” Mom’s gaze turned inward before it found Dax’s again. “David was a warrior long before he became king, and yet God said he was a man after His own heart. How could God say that about someone who’d shed so much blood? It hit me one day. There’s a difference between me and Grabel. I took a life only because I had no choice, just as David did what he had to do in times of war. Grabel took lives without remorse. I’ve never forgotten the look in his eyes as he held that gun on us. He reveled in causing pain. It was a game to him. His heart was so hardened, he didn’t even blink over destroying a life.”
She grew quiet, her gaze steady. “He’s not the only man I killed in the line of duty. The other was a corrupt cop I’d known for years, but that’s a whole other story.”
Dax swiped a hand across his eyes, trying to process all his mother had just unloaded on him. He shook his head. He needed to think, but his tired, overwhelmed brain wasn’t up to the task.
~~~
Holly watched Dax struggle, wanting to reach out, take his hand, and let him know he wasn’t alone. She kept her hands in her lap and knotted them together. He’d already snapped at her enough for showing concern. No good would be served in letting his parents see him do it. He wouldn’t appreciate either.
“I’m on leave.” Dax changed the subject. “I… um… I’m thinking about resigning.”
That news should’ve shocked her, but it hadn’t. Holly had seen it coming almost since she’d first met him. He couldn’t keep going the way he had been, or the job would destroy him. He didn’t deal with the traumas as well as a lot of the other officers.
“Because of this?” Terry scowled. “Dax, you can’t do that. You need time to process what’s happened.”
“You didn’t.” He seemed to inhibit most of the antagonism in his voice, but green fire flashed in his eyes. “You left police work right after Dad almost died.”
“That was different, and you know it.” Terry’s tone matched his, and her eyes flashed.
Suddenly, Holly saw matching fire in the two. Temper met temper, and Terry wasn’t backing down.
“I became a cop for the wrong reason, and you know why I had to get out. It had nothing to do with what happened to your father.”
Dax’s gaze lost its fire and dropped to the table.
“I don’t want you to look back on this and regret the decisions you make.” Terry’s tone softened and warmed again. “You’ll hate my next suggestion, but I’m going to give it anyway.” She waited until his gaze met hers before she continued. “Pray about it. God will show you what to do.”
Sound advice. Holly wanted to agree but remained silent.
~~~
Enough. Resentment built, but Dax stuffed it. Prayer. Mom’s solution to everything, and it was worthless. He turned to his dad. “Mind if I borrow the truck and some gear for a few days?”
Dad shared a resigned look with Mom. “Shouldn’t be a problem. Where are you headed?”
“Up to the ridge.” Dax slid out of the chair and got to his feet.
“Alone?” Holly’s sudden question reminded Dax of her presence.
He blanched. How could he have forgotten she was there? What must she think? Between his issues with the shooting, the arguing, and his mother shoving the Bible down his throat, Holly must want nothing as much as to get out of there right quick. Although, she didn’t seem all that inclined to leave as she rose to face him.
What had they been talking about? Oh, yeah. “Of course, alone.”
“I don’t think so!” She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him.
He straightened to emphasize the six-inch disparity in their heights and raised his head to scowl down his nose at her, matching her posture. “You don’t have any say in the matter.”
“And who’s to know or help if you get hurt or fall off a cliff?”
Dax flinched and shot a glance at his mother, who paled. Ire rose further. That’s all he needed, that irritating woman feeding Mom’s fears. “Look, Holly, I’m sure you mean well.” His tone was patronizing, and he knew it. “But I’ve camped alone for years without incident. I’m sure I’ll survive this trip, too.”
“I happen to know for a fact you’ve covered wilderness training classes for Brett, and I’ve personally heard you tell students they should never go into the desert or mountains alone. Always have a buddy in case they run into trouble, you said.”
“I grew up in these mountains. They didn’t.”
A full-blown firestorm flared in her blue eyes. “That doesn’t make a bit of difference, and you know it.”
Dax remained unmoved and glared at her.
Her eyes narrowed, fire turning to ice.
He braced for something ugly and fought a chill.
“I knew you were a temperamental jerk, but I never took you for a hypocrite.” Holly pushed past him, headed for the living room.
Dax intercepted looks of abject disapproval from his parents. With a disgusted sigh, he grabbed Holly’s arm just before she passed beyond his reach, forcing his touch to be light.
She halted but didn’t turn. Hostility tightened every muscle in her body. Head high, shoulders back, spine painfully straight. He knew that rigid posture and was glad she didn’t look at him. He was doomed if he saw tears in her eyes. He couldn’t take it. He had no idea what to say.
“Come with me,” popped out of his mouth.
Where did that come from? Are you insane? Too late to take it back now.
Holly hesitated.
He thought he heard a faint sniffle.
Oh, man…. Why did you open your big mouth to begin with? To cover up the effect her hurt had on him, he added, “If you think I need a babysitter so much, it seems to me you just volunteered.”
~~~
Holly turned a wide-eyed look on him, horrified. Direct, mocking challenge in the smirk on his face raised her hackles and threatened to loose her tongue again. Vulnerability floated just beneath the surface of his arrogance, lurking in green eyes and touching her heart. It won, and the fight went out of her. She looked away.
She’d responded to too many 9-1-1 calls during her time as a paramedic in Maricopa County before she’d moved to Sierra Vista. Missing hikers, backpackers, and campers who had gone out alone. Many had been found injured, some too late to get the help they needed. Others had never been found and would most likely turn up in years to come as a piece of skull, jaw, or other bone and nothing more, if they turned up at all. The thought of there being a call like that about Dax…. She couldn’t let that happen.
“I’m off work until Tuesday, so….” Holly paused. This isn’t a good idea. In fact, it’s the bad idea to end all bad ideas. She waited a few heartbeats for the world to fly apart or something equally apocalyptic, but nothing happened.
He apparently took her silence as acquiescence. “Meet me at the truck in ten minutes.” He released her and left the kitchen through a door by the stove.
What have I gotten myself into? They couldn’t be around each other long without a verbal clash. On a mountainside with no buffers, stuck together, she wouldn’t have to worry about him falling off a cliff. They were likely to toss each other off. She covered her face with both hands and groaned. How stupid could I be?
“I’m impressed,” said an amused male voice.
Holly looked at Wes, who stood only a few feet away with his wife, then wanted to crawl under the table. She’d forgotten he and his wife were there. Hadn’t seen either of them get up from the table either. They’d just witnessed the eruption of her temper. What could possibly be more humiliating? She flushed and dropped her gaze to the floor. “My temper gets me in more trouble sometimes. I don’t think I’ll ever learn to control it.”
“I’ll let you in on a little secret.” Terry took her hands and leaned closer as though they were co-conspirators. “Sometimes, a hissy fit is exactly what these guys need.” She grinned at Wes’ knowing chuckle. “I’ve never seen Dax back down from an argument before today. You hit him right between the eyes with irrefutable logic and truth. That’s a good thing.”
Tears blurred her vision. “But my attitude wasn’t.” The knot in her throat grew.
“It’ll be okay. You’ll see.” Terry hugged her.
Holly froze in the unexpected embrace.
Terry rubbed her back, soothing her.
Surrendering, Holly folded into warmth and caring she hadn’t had since childhood.
When Terry drew back, she framed Holly’s face with her hands. “I’ll let you in on another little secret about me and my son. Our bark is far worse than our bite. We only need someone to recognize that and act on it.” She threw a loving look at her husband, who smiled back with deep affection.
Holly turned to Wes. “So, since you know how to work with their temperament, have any tips to offer? How do you recommend I deal with Dax when he goes rabid dog?”
“Don’t let him get away with it.” Wes put an arm around his wife’s waist with a mischievous grin. “If all else fails, I’ve found kissing works beautifully to soothe the savage beast.”
Terry elbowed him playfully in the stomach.
He laughed.
A laugh burst out at the same time heat crawled up Holly’s neck. Kiss Dax? Yeah, not likely. Though, not an altogether unappealing idea. If he was unconscious and couldn’t bite. “I don’t think I can do that.”
“You won’t know until you try. Works for me.” He leaned down to nuzzle Terry’s neck.
She slapped him on the arm and pulled away. “Behave,” she admonished him sternly, but her eyes sparkled with delight. “I’m going to put together food for them. Why don’t you get the cooler?”
Wes gave a theatrical sigh, raised his brows at Holly, and followed his son.
Holly laughed. “I better get my bag out of the car, or Dax’ll probably leave without me.”
“You carry extra clothes in your car?” Terry seemed surprised rather than disapproving.
“I don’t always have time to go home and change clothes after shift, or remember to take clean clothes to work.” She shrugged. “I don’t much like the idea of having to run to the store or something in a bloody uniform.”
“I can see where that might be undesirable.” Terry pulled the refrigerator door open.
Holly went to the car to retrieve the bag. No doubt Dax would leave without her if she delayed. After retrieving the overnight bag, she slammed the trunk and grabbed her Bible off the back seat. As she returned to the kitchen, she considered the sanity, or lack thereof, of this plan. She couldn’t spend hours, much less days, alone with Dax on some mountain. Given the explosive nature of their relationship, she should run to the car and speed away before she did such a stupid thing.
She grimaced. Then Dax would go into the mountains alone. If he got hurt and no one knew until it was too late, she’d never forgive herself.