Wednesday, August 3, 2011
“SHE’LL hate me more than she already does.” Elbows on his knees, Dax covered his face with both hands.
Her heart breaking for his pain and fear, Holly leaned her head against the back of his shoulder and gently gripped his arm. She didn’t know the other woman, so countering his claim would be an empty platitude. She remained silent.
They sat in lawn chairs beside an RV his parents had borrowed for the journey, waiting for the family to gather after completing dinner clean-up. Holly had wanted to help, but they’d sent her away. She’d been released from the hospital that morning after spending another night in the hospital with Dax at her side. Not one Donovan would budge on Dale’s order for rest.
Dax’s father, uncle, brothers, and cousin were helping tarp roofs and cover windows in case it rained during the night. His mother, aunt, sister, and sisters-in-law were at the church a hundred yards away, putting the church kitchen back to rights. They were supposed to converge on the RV as the sun set.
“Aunt Karen will never forgive me for my role in Taylor’s death.”
“That’s between her and God. Your only responsibility is to tell the truth. How she responds is on her own head.”
He covered her hand with his and glanced over his shoulder. Despite the warm smile he offered, strain and sorrow etched lines in his face. The same expression she’d seen the day before. “I’m really glad you’re here.”
She smiled and hugged his arm. “So am I.”
The back door of the church opened. Wes and Terry held hands as they strolled beside Dax’s Uncle Mark and Aunt Karen. Mark had his arm around Karen’s waist. Chase and Jordan. Aaron and Missy. Anthony and Myriah. Dax’s cousin Trent and his wife Jenny trailed behind. Two by two by two. Holly suppressed a grin. Noah couldn’t have done any better.
Dax sighed big and got to his feet. “Moment of truth.” He snorted. “No pun intended.”
Holly joined him, gripped his hand, and leaned close to whisper, “It’ll be okay.” She offered a weak smile to the rest of the family. “Where are the kids?”
“Your sister is a saint.” Missy grinned. “She invited them for a sleepover.”
She raised her brows. “She’s going to manage the whole bunch by herself?” Lord, help Shannon and Gary. Not that the kids were bad or hard to handle, but there were so many of them. To manage meals, bath times, bed time… ugh.
“Not really.” Jordan chuckled and lowered herself carefully into a lawn chair with Chase’s help. “Missy, Aaron, Chase, and I will spend the night there as well. Help ride herd on the little monsters.” Her bright grin lent a teasing note to the last.
Silence fell and grew awkward.
Holly squeezed Dax’s hand.
He glanced at her then the ground. After a few seconds, his jaw clenched, his shoulders straightened, and he lifted his head to look at the others. He opened his mouth then closed it, tears pooling in his eyes.
“What is it, son?” Wes laid a hand on his shoulder. “Whatever it is can’t possibly be that bad. We all love you. You know that, right?”
Dax nodded and swallowed hard.
“Then just say what’s on your mind. We’ll help in whatever way we can.”
Holly blinked away tears that burned her eyes. If only what Dax had to share was something they could help with.
~~~
“It’s not that kind of thing, Dad.” Dax sighed, lowered his head, and pushed back tears. “I wish it was. I wish… it could be helped.”
Holly leaned into his shoulder as though she intended to hold him up. He tightened his grip on her hand. Lord, give me courage.
I will never leave you nor forsake you. Speak truth, and trust Me.
He nodded slightly and released a shaky sigh, ignoring the tears blurring his vision. They’d come no matter how hard he fought them, so why fight it? He met Aunt Karen’s puzzled gaze. “You were right. All those years ago. You were right.”
“About what, Dax?”
“Taylor’s death… was my fault.”
“What? No.” Her eyes widened, and she shook her head. Tears glistened. “I said some horrible things that day, and I’m so sorry. It was not your fault.”
“Yes, it was. Taylor went out on that ledge because of me.” He kept his gaze away from Trent. The one person who had been there and known all along what he’d done. The person who had never ratted him out. “He was afraid, because it was so high. I accused him of being chicken. I pushed until he got mad and set out to prove he wasn’t afraid. If I hadn’t teased him, he wouldn’t have gone out there. It was my fault. Pure and simple.”
“It wasn’t just you.” Trent’s voice was soft. He met Dax’s gaze, sorrow filling his eyes with tears. “I teased him, too.”
“You wouldn’t have if I hadn’t.” Dax lowered his head. His chest tightened around a sob he fought to restrain. “I never meant for him to get hurt. It should’ve been me. Not Taylor.”
Uncle Mark put an arm around Trent’s shoulders and hugged him.
“You’ve carried this all this time?” Aunt Karen laid a hand on Dax’s arm.
He nodded and wiped away a tear that escaped. He couldn’t bring himself to look at her.
“You had no way of knowing that ledge was weak. As hard as it was, God had a plan all along. Taylor is safely in God’s hands. He always has been.” She cupped his chin and raised his face until he had to look into her tear-filled eyes. “I am so sorry for the way I took my grief out on you. It was wrong. I should’ve told you that years ago.”
“You were shocked and grieving.” He shrugged. “And you were right.”
“No, I wasn’t. Taylor was not your responsibility. His death wasn’t your fault. Yeah, you probably teased him. All of you boys used to tease and provoke each other, mercilessly at times. No one got hurt. Taylor chose to go out on that ledge. You didn’t push him out there.”
“I might as well have.”
“But you didn’t. He chose to go out there. Neither of you knew the rain had weakened the ledge. His death was an accident. That’s all.” Tears coursed down her cheeks, setting more of his own tears free. “It’s not your fault.”
Dax glanced at Uncle Mark, who smiled and nodded. “She’s right. It wasn’t your fault, or Trent’s.”
Light lanced a wound buried deep inside, long hidden in a dark place. Forcing it outward. Cleansing. Purifying. Dax surrendered to the sobs that had been building in his chest.
Aunt Karen wrapped her arms around his neck and held on tight. “It was no one’s fault,” she whispered against the side of his head.
He returned her embrace and let the grief come. In moments, other arms closed around them and bodies pressed close. He opened his eyes. Uncle Mark, Trent, Mom, Dad. They’d all closed ranks around him and Holly, who still clung to his hand like a lifeline. The rest stood in a loose circle around them with tears in their eyes. The only one that surprised him was Anthony. He’d never seen his oldest brother cry, but Anthony held Myriah close to his side and smiled at Dax through tears. The look in his eyes held pride and admiration, another thing Dax had never expected to see from the man.
At long last, arms fell away, and everyone slowly stepped back. As the pressure on the outside of his body released, the tension he’d held so long inside dissipated. For the first time in far too many years, he could truly breathe.
~~~
Dax sat on the front pew, elbows on his knees, and stared at the backlit cross gracing the wall behind the pulpit. Drawn by some whim or force he couldn’t explain, he’d left Holly visiting with some of the family as night closed in to go for a walk and had ended up inside the church.
Silence filled the building, soothing the turmoil inside his heart. When he’d accepted Holly’s offer of a ride home, he’d had no idea of the changes it would bring. Peace in his family after far too long. Him in church by choice, without Chase having to guilt him into it. Engaged to Holly. His heart had changed in ways he still couldn’t quite fathom. All because he’d killed a man. Somehow, he had to face that, deal with it, and move forward.
He straightened to pull the piece of paper from his back pocket that Chief Riley had given him. A Bible lay at the end of the pew. He picked it up and flipped it open, leafing through it to the first verse the chief had jotted down for him. Psalms 144:1:
“Blessed be the Lord, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle.”
Hm…. That seemed appropriate for a soldier on the battlefield, but what did it have to do with being a cop? The whole government thing from Romans that Chief Riley had explained made sense. Sort of. How did the passage from the Psalms fit with it?
He leaned back and stared at the cross. I don’t get it, God.
“Here you are. I’ve been looking for you.”
Dax glanced over as Uncle Mark dropped onto the seat a couple of feet away.
The older man smiled, rested an elbow on the back of the pew, and laid that hand on Dax’s shoulder. “Terry told me about the shooting. How are you doing?”
He shrugged. “Still trying to cope, I guess.” He frowned. “You killed the man who’d been stalking Myriah. How did you deal with that?”
Uncle Mark tapped the open Bible. “What does this say about killing?”
“That it’s wrong.”
A brow rose, and an amused smile flashed. “Does it?”
“Murder is wrong. The Ten Commandments say so.”
“Ah, but killing in self-defense, defense of another, or in war isn’t murder. The Ten Commandments deals only with cold-blooded murder.”
“Okay. I can agree with that.”
“When I killed Packer, two of those applied. If I hadn’t shot him, he’d have slit Myriah’s throat. If I understood Terry about your situation, all three of those apply.”
“How do you figure? We’re not at war.”
“Aren’t we?” The wooden back of the pew creaked as Uncle Mark settled against it. “The Bible makes it clear that we’re in a war between good and evil.”
“That’s talking about spiritual war, not this.” Doubt assailed him. “Isn’t it?”
“It is a spiritual war, but it overflows into the physical world. That’s why Romans says the government has a sword to punish those who do evil. Law enforcement officers, the courts, the prison system, even death row are that sword. We stand between innocents and those who do evil. Sometimes that means using a gun. There’s not always a non-violent way to end a confrontation with a man who has a knife to a woman’s throat or drug runners with automatic weapons.”
True. Dax had mulled the situation over and over. No viable, alternative solution had presented itself.
“We’re soldiers in a war against the evil of human nature, Dax. Unfortunately, that sometimes means bloodshed. Thankfully, it’s not a regular occurrence.”
Soldiers in a war. That’s what the verse in Psalms talked about. “Is Packer the only one you’ve killed during your career?”
“No. He was the second. The first was a scumbag who tried to kill Terry when we were still partners at TPD.”
“Mom said she killed a cop. Do you know about that?”
“Yes, but you need to talk to her about it. It’s not my place.” He frowned. “The only thing I’ll say is that she was in the right, but it tore her up something fierce. The guilt ate at her for a very long time and almost got her killed. Don’t let that happen to you.”
Dax nodded and let his gaze rest on the cross again.
“A godly man is never happy about taking human life, but we can be at peace with it when it’s necessary and justified. Are you still thinking about resigning?”
“Not really.” He shrugged. “I don’t know what else I’d do, for one. For another, I still want to protect people and get bad guys off the streets.” To serve and protect.
Uncle Mark grinned. “You could always work for your dad.”
He grimaced. “Ugh. Electronics. No, thanks.”
A chuckle rumbled through the big man’s chest, and he got to his feet. “I know the feeling. You and I just have to make peace with the fact God geared us to be foot soldiers.” He pointed toward the door. “I’m going to see what your father’s up to. Want to join me?”
“In a bit. I think I’ll stay for a few more minutes. Thanks.” He smiled.
Uncle Mark nodded. “Anytime. If you ever want to talk to an old soldier again, you know how to find me.”
Dax chuckled. In moments, he was alone. “A godly man,” Uncle Mark had said. Not what Dax had ever been. His gaze returned to the cross. It tugged at him. He set the Bible on the pew, got to his feet, and approached the crossed wooden beams. He craned his neck to look up at it. Regret wrapped a fist around his throat.
I’ve never been a godly man. I’ve lived for myself, wallowed in anger and guilt, and hurt everyone I care about. I’ve been unloving and disrespectful to my parents, hateful at times toward Brett and Holly, and I hurt Chase, Anthony, and Myriah. I don’t deserve their forgiveness. Yet, they’ve given it. I don’t deserve Yours either, but You just won’t let me go. I don’t get it. I don’t understand why You’ve hounded me all these years when I’d given up on You.
Tears surged up, and he dropped to his knees, a hand resting on the base of the cross, head lowered. Please, forgive my anger and stubbornness. I want to be a good man, the man You want me to be, but I don’t know where to begin. Guide me, Lord. Please.
A gentle hand touched his shoulder.
Dax glanced up and wiped tears from his face.
His mom knelt beside him with a watery smile.
He returned his attention to the cross and whispered, “I want to be a godly man, Mom. For Holly. For you. For the community I protect. For me. I don’t know how.”
“All of us will help you.” Her grip tightened on his shoulder. “You just have to let us. No more anger. No more shutting us out. Especially Holly.”
He nodded.
“Remember one thing, Dax.”
He glanced at her. “What’s that?”
“A man is never as tall or as strong as when he gets down on his knees.” She pointed up at the cross. “When you’re at your weakest, God’s strength shines best.”
“I’ll try to remember that.” He got to his feet, helped Mom rise, and headed for the front door. “So, how go the wedding plans?”
“We made a list of things to take care of tomorrow morning. Shannon’s over the moon excited that you and Holly decided to get married while you’re here.”
Dax held the door then followed her out. “I’m glad you suggested it. I was worried Holly would be one of those women who wanted a year-long engagement.”
Mom laughed. “Somehow, I don’t see her wanting that any more than you do.”
As they rounded the church, his gaze fell on Holly standing at the far side of the parking lot under a light, talking to Clay. His wife stood at his side. They were talking at least. That had to be a good sign.
~~~
“You really think you can help with my migraines?” Holly frowned at Myriah. “Doctors have told me for years that the best I can do is manage them.” They were the only two left hanging out next to the RV. Myriah would leave as soon as Anthony returned from wherever he’d gone. Hopefully, by then, Dax would be back.
“I think me and a chiropractor working together can do better than simply manage them.” She shrugged. “It’s certainly worth a try, isn’t it?”
“Definitely, as long as it doesn’t make them worse.”
“It won’t.” Myriah smiled then grimaced and shifted in the lawn chair to stretch her back. “Man, I feel like I’m carting around a baby elephant. You’d think I was carrying triplets instead of just one.”
Holly chuckled. “Terry said you’re due this month.”
“Yeah.” She nodded. “In about a week, but the doctor said I could almost count on being late by as much as two weeks. He said first babies tend to do that. If the last week is any indication, the time between now and delivery should be about a year long.”
She laughed.
“You think I’m kidding?”
“No. I’ve heard similar sentiments from a lot of women since I became a paramedic. Do you know yet whether it’s a boy or girl?”
Myriah grinned. “No. I wouldn’t let the ultrasound tech tell either of us. I want it to be a surprise.” Something caught her eye, and she glanced past Holly. “I wanted to have a home birth, but Anthony pitched a fit.”
“I’m sure he’s just concerned about your safety.” Holly pivoted in her seat to see what had captured Myriah’s attention. Clay and his wife strolled across the church grounds toward them, holding hands. She got to her feet and turned to face them. “Hi.”
His gaze shifted to the woman at his side, uncertainty flashing. She smiled and nodded. He met Holly’s gaze. “Hi, uh, Holly, this is my wife, Vicki. She and her family moved here a few months after you left.”
Vicki smiled. “It’s nice to meet you, Holly.”
Tension radiated from Clay. “Do you have a minute we could talk?”
“Sure thing.” Holly glanced at Myriah. “Um… do you mind? I hate to leave you sitting here alone.”
“No problem.” She shooed her off with a wave of one hand. “I’ll be fine. If I know Anthony, he’ll show up any minute to resume hovering. I’ve been unsmothered too long. He won’t let that continue.” A grin curved her lips.
Holly chuckled.
Vicki waved her away. “I’ll stay and visit for a bit. Let you two talk.”
Clay swallowed audibly then motioned to one side. They walked in silence side-by-side to where a light shone over one corner of the parking lot. Power had been restored to that part of town that evening. Linemen continued to work through the night to get electricity to the rest of town and to area farms cut off by the storm. Some folks had generators. Others didn’t.
An awkward silence grew. Might as well get it over with.
“I’m sorry,” they said in unison.
Holly frowned. “What are you sorry about?”
“The hateful way I acted at your mom’s funeral. You already had enough to deal with. I didn’t need to be a mule’s backside.”
She shrugged. “I don’t blame you. After the way I ran off… then I didn’t bother to write or call. I never intended to abandon you guys.”
“I know.” He shoved his hands into the back pockets of his jeans and half-smiled. “Dale cornered me and explained it all.”
“I never meant to hurt you, and I know it probably sounds empty to say so, but I’ve really missed you the past few years. If not for you, and Dale and Chad, I don’t think I would’ve survived my childhood. You have no idea how much I love you guys for all you did.” She stepped close enough to put a hand on one of his arms. “I don’t intend to lose contact again. Just so you know.”
“Good.” He nodded. “I hope you and Dax will come back from time to time to see us.”
“I’m sure we will.” Though, if Dax had reached the same conclusion as Brett, he’d keep her bound to Arizona for the rest of her life.
Clay lowered his gaze to the ground. “I was in love with you, you know.”
Her breath caught. “You were?”
He nodded.
“I didn’t know.” No wonder her disappearance had hurt him so much. “Clay, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.”
“Yeah, well.” A self-conscious smile canted his mouth. “I never had the guts to tell you, so that wasn’t really your fault.” He glanced back at his wife. His whole expression softened. “It worked out for the best.”
“Do you have children?”
“Two boys.”
“Oh, boy.” She chuckled.
A warm rumble vibrated his chest. “Oh, trust me, they’re not going to get away with even a quarter of what we did.”
“Hey, we weren’t bad.”
“Yeah, right.”
“We didn’t do anything illegal.”
“Maybe not blatantly, but we certainly pushed the boundary on more than one occasion.” He grinned. “Dale said we need to do something before you head home.”
“You disagree?”
“Not at all. I just have to make sure the boys don’t find out and get ideas.”
Holly laughed and hugged him. His arms closed around her for a few moments then they stepped apart. He waved to his wife.
She said something to Myriah and crossed the parking lot to join them. When she reached his side, she gripped Clay’s hand and smiled at Holly. “I’ve heard a lot about you over the years, especially from Dale and Chad.”
Holly laughed softly. “I don’t even want to imagine what those two have told you.”
The woman cast a narrow-eyed look at her husband. “The only thing none of them will tell me about are the antics of the Musketeers.” She grinned. “I’ve heard stories from other people, but I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t.”
Clay gave her a bland look and raised one brow. “I can neither confirm nor deny what others have said.”
Holly snorted then laughed. “We have to plead the fifth whenever questions arise.”
“The least any of you can do is tell me what stories are pure rumor and speculation.”
One corner of Clay’s mouth twitched. “You assume doing so won’t incriminate us.”
An eyebrow raised, Holly grinned. “Clay, are you telling me you married someone who isn’t an appropriate cohort in crime? What’s wrong with you?”
“Hey, you’re the one who’s marrying a cop.”
“Yeah, but if I get into trouble, he’ll be right there in the thick of it with me.”
“Absolutely!” Dax came to her side and slipped an arm around her waist. “Don’t think for a second I’ll let you have all the fun.”
She laughed and met his gaze. Then she frowned slightly. Something was different about him, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. “Are you okay?”
“Never better.” A wide smile punctuated the words, and he leaned over to kiss the tip of her nose. “So, what are we planning? More beribboned cows in the gymnasium?”
Vicki laughed and glanced up at Clay. “You really did that?”
“Not alone,” he protested.
They all laughed.
“Dax, this is Clay and his wife, Vicki.” She leaned against his side. “This is my fiancé, Dax Donovan.”
“I’ve heard a bit about you from Dale.” Clay offered his hand, which Dax readily accepted. “A deputy, right?”
“Yep.”
The unwavering confidence underlining the word made Holly look at him again. “Are you sure?”
“Absolutely. I know where I belong.” He grinned. “Other than at your side, conspiring, aiding, and abetting.”
She laughed. That’s what was different. He’d carried a weight ever since the shooting. It was gone. What had caused such a profound shift? She bit her lip to keep from asking right then and there. It wasn’t a conversation to have in front of an audience.
Dax kissed the side of her head and whispered in her ear, “I’ll explain later.”
She nodded and smiled.
Vicki hooked an arm through one of Clay’s. “We were thinking about having everyone to our place for dinner tomorrow night.”
“Everyone? As in…?” Dax raised a brow.
“Dale and Chad and their parents, you two, and your families.”
Dax chuckled. “You do realize that’s quite a horde, right?”
“Of course. It’s the least we can do to thank your family for coming all this way to help put the town back together.”
Clay smiled. “We can barbeque a whole side of beef or two. I’ve got plenty in the freezers, since I raise beef cattle.”
“That would be great. I’ll let them know when we’re all together for breakfast in the morning.”
“I’ll call Chad and Dale.” He glanced sideways at Vicki. “We could invite the chief and his wife, too.” His grin encompassed all of them. “Just, no Musketeer planning while he’s there.”
“Sounds like fun.” Vicki grinned. “As long as I get to be part of the planning this time.”
Holly chuckled. “All for one.”