‘Small, deliberate actions inspired by your
true desires create a life you love.’1
DANIELLE LAPORTE
In March 2009, my mom and I traveled to Florence, Italy, to visit my sister, who was studying there, and to London. I was excited to get out of Ohio and out of the funk and depression I’d fallen into.
In London, we visited my friend Haley. (She’d moved there to be with a boy she’d met while studying abroad; it was all very glamorous, and I was envious and told her so.)
The moment my mom and I stepped out of Victoria Station, I felt it: the pull. My heart was trying to tell me something. Say what you will, but it felt like magic. It was a feeling I’d experienced during the family trips we took to Chicago (the one other city I’d fallen in love with) at Christmas time, to go shopping. It was like a pull of excitement. I felt it in my body. In my heart.
I felt an element of being at home. Although I didn’t act on it that second, or even tell anyone about it, I tucked it in my back pocket and kept it there. It was my little secret, until I was ready to really do something about it a few months later.
During the summer of 2009, I applied for and got a 90-day internship in London. Since Haley had relocated to Paris by that time, I moved in with a friend who knew the city well and stayed until my money ran out (and until he subsequently broke my heart). That period of time in London, more than just a few days, confirmed my suspicions: I was meant to live there. I didn’t know why, but I felt the magnetic pull and spent the next few months figuring out how to make it a reality.
Through my research, I discovered that in order to legally live in the city I loved, I either had to marry a Brit or apply for a student visa. Since my British prince was MIA, I went for the latter. However, I wasn’t qualified to start a master’s degree in psychology, due to the prerequisites being different in the US, so I asked myself what else I wanted to do.
Again, I threw the rulebook out the window. I listened to my heart and heard ‘write a book.’ So I applied for a spot in a MA program in non-fiction writing and was accepted. I moved to London on August 24, 2010, with four 50-pound suitcases and a dream.
That’s what it looks like to be alive to your life and in tune with your desires. You’ll start to feel the emotions that come with each opportunity, invitation, trip, visit, introduction – every emotion leaves clues, but the reality is that most people miss them.
As I said earlier, growing up, I remember being taught about personal development, but I don’t recall anyone sitting me down and telling me it was okay to follow my heart. I don’t remember learning that my heart has the answers. If anything, for most of my life, I’ve felt ashamed for being so emotional and crying so easily in public places. (More bathrooms than I can count!)
I even remember my high-school boyfriend telling me I’d never be able to help people because I wasn’t emotionally stable enough. Emotional and unstable were my understanding of ‘heart-centered,’ and intuition was just something to use if you found yourself in a dark alley with a suspicious stranger, not something to guide you toward your mission in life.
And I know I’m not alone in this. The reality is that most of us aren’t using our heart to its full potential. We forget the resource we have beating in our chest, giving us life and guidance. We listen to everything and everyone outside of ourselves, and wonder why we don’t have the life or the results we want.
Before we go any further, what I want you to really understand is that there’s science behind what I’m sharing with you. We’re not just talking about your heart having the answers from a spiritual or a metaphysical perspective.
For example, did you know that the heart begins beating in the unborn fetus before the brain even starts to form? And even when it’s formed, there’s actually much more communication being sent to the brain, as there are more fibers leading from the heart to the brain than from the brain to the heart. In fact, nine times more!2
Yet so many of us are unaware of the heart’s power; we’re in denial and seemingly oblivious to what we actually want. And the heart is sitting there, beating away, with so much more wisdom (and less ego) than the brain.
So why, you may wonder, are you denying the call of something big? Why are you pretending that you can’t hear it and spending so much time in your mind? Again, this isn’t your fault. We aren’t actually taught to follow our heart as much as we’re instructed to ‘think’ our way to success and the life we want.
We grow up believing that more education or training is the answer. We’re instructed to be less emotional, to be masculine, and to keep our head on straight in order to make sensible, respectable decisions. We aren’t taught how to use our intuition (I’ve met people who don’t even know they have one). This results in us being so out of alignment with our desires that we’re living lives that don’t resemble anything we actually want. We’re blocking our desires because we aren’t tuned in enough to be able to hear them.
It’s because you aren’t available to connect with what you truly want, and even when you are, you’re not giving yourself permission to actually go for it. Again, you may be asking yourself why that even matters. Well, as author and businessman T. Harv Eker says, ‘in order to get what you want, you have to know what you want.’3 It sounds so simple, yet as I said earlier, so many people are asleep at the wheel of life. They’re blind to what’s possible and have lost sight of their dreams.
Is that any way to live? Is that a recipe for success? No! You need to know where you’re going in order to get there – just as with any cross-country journey, you need a destination. But for many people, comatose has become their default way of living. Let’s change that today.
Tell me what you want, and I’ll help you get it. Period. Some clients come to me with a laundry list of items – the car, the new house, sending their kids to private school, financial freedom, a book deal. Others haven’t thought about it for years – for decades, even. Most of us are barely scratching the surface of our potential and that includes our desires.
During one group coaching session, I asked a client point-blank what she wanted, but she was resistant from the get-go (see how scary dreaming can be for some people!) So, I asked her to simply play a game with me and name one desire. She started with a car – a lightly used Toyota, or something. However, I could tell it was a safe answer, so I asked her again: ‘What do you really want?’
After a little more probing, she said: ‘A red Mercedes Benz E-Class.’ Before I could respond, she quickly interjected with, ‘Brand new. So I know no one has farted in it.’
I laughed, but that was exactly what I wanted to hear. I could tell there was something else bubbling beneath the surface. This woman wanted more! She had dreams, and in that moment, she illustrated a reality I see in so many others: the habit of denying dreams. (Note: I use the word ‘habit’ deliberately here because this truly is habitual; but more importantly, I want you to see that, just like any other habit – biting your nails, snacking, constantly checking Facebook – it’s transformable.)
I’m sure you can attest to the fact that we aren’t born denying our desires. Just think about your own kids, or babies you’re around – they’re pretty clear about what they want. And when they start to be able to talk, they’re even clearer.
So why can’t we admit what we want? Why do we play it really safe and small and deny the fact that those desires are really ours? In my experience, it all comes down to fear. Here are four reasons why we fall into the habit of denying what we want:
Regardless of which camp you fall into, remember that this isn’t your fault! We’ve been so programmed to stay within the box, to not rock the boat, to not color outside the lines, that we freak out whenever our desires lead us in a direction that isn’t the norm. But I want to support you in creating a healthy relationship with desire, starting today.
The first step is for you to start to acknowledge your desires and treat them as if they are real. One of my friends, Love Coach Nicole Moore, believes that our desires are literally ‘dropped in’ and contribute to the makeup of who we are, like DNA. I love thinking about it like that – just as ideas are real, I believe desires are too. They come from inside us, so how could they not be?
How would things shift for you if you not only acknowledged everything you want but also accepted it as the truth? You’d never question whether your hand is your hand or your heart is your heart, would you? Yet your desires are inside of you and belong to you too. What if you were open to the Universe providing you with everything that you want, based on the simple fact that you want it?
What if you completely owned your desires? How would this transform your life? As writer Genevieve Behrend says: ‘Do not fear to be your true self, for everything you want, wants you.’4
When you’re aligned with your
desires, you’ll see more momentum
in every area of your life.
Think about it – when you truly want something to happen with all your heart, you’ll put all your energy and effort toward making it a reality. On the flip side, when something doesn’t matter or you’re telling yourself you ‘should’ want it, it will be harder because your heart really isn’t in it. (Note: any time ‘should’ comes into play, you know it’s not a true desire!) You won’t show up as your best self.
When I’m out of alignment with my heart, progress doesn’t happen; my life stalls and I’m only a small fraction of the full person I was created to be. I have less impact, less drive, less energy. That’s exactly what happened when I turned the car around – I had no idea what I wanted, but as soon as I opened myself up to listening to my heart (after all, I figured it had got me into this ‘mess’!), life became clearer.
Listen to your heart in this moment. What do you want? Whether it’s a cup of coffee or making six figures, own it!
What would it look like if you gave yourself permission to do something small today on behalf of your desires? Maybe you could look for another job, without letting your dad’s belief that it would be ‘reckless’ cloud your desire? Or buy the domain name, without allowing your best friend’s voice telling you that it’s a ‘silly dream’ to stop you? What if you went into the designer store, despite the devil on your shoulder (looking a bit like your mother) telling you the place is a rip-off and a waste of money?
I give you permission to do all of the above. And once you start, you’ll create your own rulebook and then realize that you don’t need any rule besides this: always follow your heart.
By the way, this isn’t a one-time thing. You have to continually reevaluate your desires. So many women are living lives they didn’t actually want because they miss this crucial step. You’re allowed to change your mind and reroute – that’s part of giving yourself permission as well.
In her book Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert talks about actively choosing her life – every part of it, from the wedding, to the marriage, to the home – yet it wasn’t a forever desire.5
So, what’s a girl to do? Can you tell if something is a true desire or a fleeting one? Well, it’s not as simple as that. Because we’re always evolving, you have to start to trust the breadcrumbs scattered along your path of life that are your feelings. You have to trust yourself enough to know when to pivot and when to stay firm to the path. You have to be in tune with your desires and feelings so you’re able to tell the difference.
Once more, all you have to do is listen to the whispers. They won’t sound like someone whispering in your ear; they’ll come to you in the form of an idea, a pull to walk down a certain street, a feeling of jealousy when you’re scrolling through Instagram, or a nudge to book a trip. They can even come in the form of unhappiness. Remember, these whispers are like a sound that only a dog can hear: you have to be programmed to be able to receive the message, which starts by you being open. That’s it. Then pay attention and wake up to your one life. (Yes, that’s an order.)
After working with thousands of women around the world, I’ve seen that worthiness is another key element that we all need to focus on in some form or other. For example, I sent a survey containing questions about money to my IHML community because I wanted to get an understanding of how these women view money and making money.
Here are the results, based on the responses we received: 31 percent don’t know how to make money; 20 percent are ashamed of their debts; 29 percent have made money and want to make more; 3 percent don’t believe there’s enough money to go around; and here’s the one that hurts my heart: 17 percent don’t feel worthy of making a lot of money.
It’s one thing to not know how to make money or to be ashamed of debt, but everyone is innately worthy of money. However, I see this false belief firsthand nearly every day. For example, whenever my company hosts an event at The Ritz Hotel in London, the feeling of not deserving to be there comes up for most of our clients. They don’t think they’re far enough along in their business or accomplished enough to be in the luxurious space. Some don’t even show up because of that belief. How sad is that?
Trust me, they’re not alone in that belief. When I traveled to Australia for the first time, I questioned whether I was worthy of the $7 Toblerone in the mini bar, despite having just spent thousands jetting across the world!
This begs some questions: How much of your life is spent not feeling worthy? How is that holding you back from living your dreams? Or from making the money you desire? How much energy and time are you wasting on the belief ? Well, let me tell you the real truth...
If someone is out there doing it, you know it’s possible for you too. You’re already worthy. Whether it’s having your own helicopter, traveling First Class, starting your own business, hiring help or moving to your dream country, I want that for you. At least do the research before your rule it out. At least ask the questions. At least get the quote. At least try it once.
Because the thing is, when you block yourself, you also block possibility and opportunity. Remember: your desires are dropped in for a reason – they’re meant for you and possible. And that means you’re already worthy.
Let’s celebrate all of those statements above. You are worthy of all you desire!
Whatever we judge, we block. Understanding those five words has transformed my life over the past few years, so I want you to really pay attention to what I’m going to teach you in this section of the book.
First, let me explain why judgment occurs, specifically as it pertains to success. Take the example of wanting to make six figures per year. That’s a great goal, but if deep down you’re judging all the other six-figure earners, you’re going to block yourself from reaching it. Maybe you secretly think they must be greedy or evil; that they tricked or cheated someone in order to make that money; or that it won’t last because they’ll be reckless with their spending – just like those lottery winners who come into money quickly and then lose it just as fast.
Regardless of the judgment, it’s going to come up from beneath the surface and stop you from getting what you want. There’s a simple reason why this happens:
If you’re judging people
who have what you want,
your subconscious will stop
you from getting it.
This is because, ultimately, you don’t want to be judged by yourself ! Remember, the ego wants to protect you, so you’ll self-sabotage in order to avoid falling into the same category of whoever it is you’re judging – even if you outwardly want what they have.
It’s just like those middle-school days when you didn’t want to fall in with the wrong crowd. If the ‘popular kids’ were making fun of your best friend, you denied the friendship in order to fit in. It’s no different to adults looking to make money and create massive success. We don’t want to be judged – and that includes judgment of ourselves. You have to uncover what it is you’re judging, because whatever we judge, we block.
Some of these judgments will most likely come out when you’re observing and writing down your thoughts. After reading the Mindset chapter, you’ll probably naturally start to notice the patterns that come up for you throughout the next few days or weeks. You’ll nod when someone points to a beautiful block of houses and says of their owners, ‘They’re all crooks’; you’ll see your friend announcing her promotion on Facebook and wonder if she slept her way to the top; you’ll see an Instagram photo of someone posing in a beautiful hotel and judge them for spending their money ‘recklessly.’
(And by the way, this pertains to all goals. I once caught myself scrolling through Instagram and judging all the beautiful women with a thigh gap. It was like an out-of-body experience. I heard myself say (in my head): ‘How could anyone possibly be that skinny?’ Then I realized I was jealous, and I was never going to get in shape – my version of ‘in shape’ – if I judged women who looked like that.)
If you still don’t know what you want, start with your feelings. One of the incredible women I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know in my career is Danielle LaPorte. In her book The Desire Map, she says: ‘Behind every desire, there is a feeling and your feelings will lead you to your soul.’6
So ask yourself, how do you want to feel? Use that to guide you to what you really want. Maybe you want to feel freedom. If so, ask yourself what that would look like. What would bring about that feeling for you? Maybe it’s success that you desire to feel. Again, what would bring about that feeling?
Regardless of what it is you want, please stop making yourself wrong, stop judging yourself, stop questioning why your desire exists. Practice owning it instead, and speak to yourself with the same encouragement you’d offer to your best friend. You can truly have anything you want.
Create your own list of desires. You can organize them into sections, such as ‘Life’ and ‘Career,’ if you like, or do one big list. Also feel free to write them according to your timeline of when you want them to happen. Don’t censor yourself – just get everything down on paper.