‘If you want to change the fruits, you will first
have to change the roots. If you want to change
the visible, you must first change the invisible.’1
T. HARV EKER
After discovering coaching, I launched the first version of the I Heart My Life website in March 2014, and just like most driven women (in particular new entrepreneurs), I thought everything would happen quickly. Although I didn’t expect a sudden influx of customers, I hadn’t realized it would take months to make a penny. In fact, it took until July 2014 for me to make any money, and even then, it was only $442 that came in during a call I took on a park bench while on a family trip to Sausalito, California (which my parents paid for).
The months that followed weren’t easy. In fact, I went through a period of 54 ‘nos’ in a row from people who didn’t want to work with me. Call after call, I heard, ‘This sounds great, but I don’t have the money.’ Or ‘I need to ask my husband.’ And the elusive, ‘I’d love to, but I have to plan my daughter’s birthday party.’ (Really?!)
During that time, I battled thoughts like, Who am I to do this? Does Marie Forleo already have all the clients in the world? Her hair is better than mine. I’m not good on video. What in the world would I even talk about? I’ve never run a business. I suck with money. I have no money. I’m broke. Mind chatter like that is a total dream killer, and it will stop you in your tracks if you let it, as it almost did for me.
During the fall of 2014, I remember getting on a call with one of my coaches. The night before, I’d filled out her pre-call form and let her know which things ‘weren’t working,’ and to the questions ‘What are you most proud of’ and ‘What are you most excited about,’ I’d answered ‘nothing.’
On our call, my coach told me that I was like a pot on the stove about to boil. I was heating up and about to see the bubbles, but I had to start to transform my mindset and focus on what I wanted to happen, not on what I didn’t. Luckily, I chose to listen to her.
Looking back, I’m so grateful for those 54 nos because they resulted in me immersing myself in transforming my mindset, which snowballed into me falling in love with mindset work to the extent that it’s truly my mastery today. The internal shifts also resulted in external ones. For example, I celebrated my first $6,000 month, which meant I was able to leave my 9–5 job and run I Heart My Life full-time. That’s the power of mindset.
And yet, most people don’t realize that success is actually an inside job. In his book Leveraging the Universe, Mike Dooley says that ‘your thoughts, words and actions create your reality.’2 I also love how T. Harv Eker describes this and what he calls the Process of Manifestation in his book Secrets of the Millionaire Mind. He says that ‘Thoughts lead to feelings. Feelings lead to actions. Actions lead to results.’3
We covered this topic briefly in Chapter 4, but this chapter is about you fully integrating it and understanding what it actually means for you and your success. Get ready for everything to change today. (Yes, literally.) It did for me, and it will for you too.
In his The Successful Mind Podcast, bestselling author David Neagle explains that the role of the subconscious mind is to keep us safe: ‘It’s not programmed to make more money, start a business – it was at one point, but along the way, the harmful programming took over: like a virus that stops it from functioning properly.’4
Launching a website, moving to another country, asking for a raise, or increasing your prices, none of these are moves the mind deems ‘safe’ so it will tell you it’s impossible, that you can’t do it, that you’re a fraud, that you’re not good enough – anything it can think of to get you to stop. It will pull out and deliver from your mental library examples of things that didn’t work out in the past, just to prove it to you; or it will teleport you into the future and pretend to have powers of prediction that convince you there’s no possible way you’ll actually reach your goal.
Essentially, your mind is full of rulebooks created over the span of your lifetime (we’ve talked about a few of them in previous chapters) – written and installed when you were a child and based on society’s and your parents’ viewpoints, all passed down from generation to generation. You learn through what you were told, what you experienced, and what you observed.5
We bring those rulebooks into adulthood and believe (naively) that we have everything we need to achieve our dreams. However, we soon realize that we’re operating with faulty, very outdated rules that are not in service to our success. Little do we know that we’ve actually been programmed to stay safe! (For the purposes of this book, that doesn’t mean physically safe, which is different. When you read ‘safe’ replace it with ‘stuck’.)
The truth is: you need a mindset
makeover to reach your goals.
You have to become the woman who reaches those goals. You have to become the person who’s able to achieve what she wants to achieve. Just like an athlete who trains for the Olympics and visualizes the results they want, you too need to create new habits, and that starts in your mind.
Before we go any further, you should know that there’s a bit of bad news – if you choose to look at it that way – about this work we’re doing. The reality is that it’s never really done; but it does get way easier.
When I was starting my business, I had to do a lot of work to shift the natural Negative Nancy that was my mind. It was as if my compass was set toward what wasn’t working – that I wasn’t good enough or skinny enough, and so on – and that there was something wrong with me and my current reality.
In order to shift out of that habit of thinking, I spent hours every day repeating certain phrases, listening to audios in the shower, and reading about how to transform my mind in order to change my current reality – which you’ll learn more about in this chapter. Today, although I still feel fear and lack confidence from time to time, my ‘bounce back’ is quicker. Think of it as like a rubber band snapping back into place: the bigger the rubber band, the longer it takes to bounce back. James and I like to call this our ‘bounce back-ability.’
This work is about you shifting your mindset in a way that makes the rubber band much smaller and tighter, so the bounce back is much quicker, almost instantaneous. Your range of emotions will be much smaller, too, as you’ll stay in that positive frequency much more often. Just as if you were training for a race or a marathon, you’ll still get out of breath but you’ll recover more quickly and you’ll extend your limits; so you’re no longer stopping at 40 percent but 50 percent, then 60 percent and so on. This is what we’re creating right now, together.
The good news is that once you do this initial overhaul and dive deep into this work, you’ll have created your own backup generator that’s ready to kick in when you need it. Now, I’m not saying there won’t be days or even weeks when you’ll feel emotions like sadness and stress – you’re human, not a robot – but this work will free you from the control your mind has over you at the moment.
Right now, you’re not the one running the show. You’re a slave to your mind, and that’s not going to get you the life you want. That changes starting today, and although you’ll have to continue this work forever, especially when you reach new levels of success, everything will feel easier after this initial step.
Put simply: your mind is not your friend. As you’ve already learned, it wants to keep you safe and small and it doesn’t understand change or the desire to do something new and different. We’re going to go much deeper into this subject in this chapter, so you have an even greater understanding of how the mind works when it comes to your success and your dreams, and how to transform your old programming.
You should also know that your brain is lazy, and it likes to optimize itself as much as possible. So when recurring thoughts become a ‘habit’ it decides to make those thoughts automatic. This means it no longer has to reassess every situation from scratch – instead, it will just pull up what you usually think about a given situation, person, or opportunity.
For example, if as a teenager you were left feeling betrayed in some of your relationships and uncertain about who you could trust, today you may hesitate at the thought of letting anyone in. Or maybe your parents taught you that spending too much money is bad – that you should only spend the minimum and just be happy with what you have. So as you grow up you never strive for more than is necessary to survive, and you fail to truly satisfy your desires and ambitions around what is possible for you.
We have more thoughts per day than we can even quantify; some research says 15,000 and others, 90,000 – regardless, it’s a lot, and most of them are the same ones we’ve been having for years. They’re on repeat and they aren’t serving us. These are thoughts such as:
The good news is that we can actually take back our power over the mind. Just like other habits in our lives – working out (or not working out), biting our nails, leaving the butter out on the kitchen counter – we have habitual ways of thinking, ‘thought habits,’ that are stopping us from getting the results we want. But there are ways in which we can hack that system and create a new playlist.
One more thing – you may be asking yourself why anyone would continue to think in a way that’s harming them, keeping them from their dreams, stopping them from making money or having an impact. Maybe you’re wondering why it’s so difficult to break free from your own thought habits. After all, you don’t want to be thinking that way.
The truth is that we’re addicted to negative thinking, and because we’re addicted and the programming is so deep, it’s going to take time to break those habits. And your mind will fight you every step of the way. Just as it is with any habit, you’re actually getting something from it. For example, maybe these thought habits are enabling you to stay safe. You’re allowed to not ask for the raise, take the trip, start the business, because your mind told you it wasn’t possible – it’s your own Get Out of Your Dreams for Free card!
Your mind is comfortable with where you are today, and comfort is its #1 priority. It’s like the woman who stays with the man who abuses her because she grew up with abuse – it’s horribly sad, but familiar. All that changes today. Your mind doesn’t get to run the show any longer – at least not in this same way.
In her classic book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, Stanford University psychologist Dr. Carol Dweck coined two terms to describe the underlying beliefs, or mindsets, people have about learning, talent, and intelligence.6
I’m sure you can guess which type of mindset creates the success you’re after – the growth mindset. The good news is that you were born with a growth mindset. For example, most of us grew up dreaming and believing in the impossible – we were little girls without limits. We dreamt of being a princess, an astronaut, or a doctor. But then at some point, the word ‘realistic’ became a part of our vocabulary and everything started to change.
We no longer focused on growth and what was possible, and instead, became obsessed with limits and the reasons why we couldn’t do something. The good news is that your inner child is still there, and you can access her to achieve more success. It’s time to reunite yourself with your dreams and desires.
Although I could (and will) write an entire book about money mindset, this chapter isn’t about this topic in particular. However, as it’s a key part of mindset we’ll look at it briefly. The truth is that most people don’t realize they have habitual ways of thinking about money too.
Your money mindset is made up of the beliefs about money that are passed down through generations and develop through what you learn about money. Some common money stories are as follows:
As you can see, these ways of thinking aren’t going to get you closer to the life you desire (if financial freedom is part of that dream life). (And if you’re wondering whether this applies to you, just take a look at your bank account today: your current financial reality will give you an idea of your past thinking.7 So if you don’t like the number staring back at you, it’s time to take a look beneath the surface.)
If financial transformation is what you’re after, use the tools and information I’m going to share with you to create those financial shifts in your life.
Whenever we’re looking to reach a big goal – for example, run a marathon – most of us realize that we have to be acutely aware of certain things, such as what we’re putting in our body, how much exercise we get, what our schedule looks like, how much sleep we get. But many don’t realize that we also have to be acutely aware of what we’re thinking.
It’s the same with starting a business, losing 20 pounds, or making six figures. Yet so many of us are unaware of that truth. We aren’t taught to pay attention to our thoughts. But as Robin Sharma says, ‘you don’t have the luxury of even one negative thought,’8 when your desire is complete life transformation.
Once again, you can think about your mind as an operating system that was developed during your childhood, and when you bring it into adulthood, it most likely doesn’t serve you anymore. It doesn’t allow you to reach your goals. It stops you from moving forward. Your mind needs an updated system to function accordingly – especially if you’re looking to hit big goals and change your life. So, how do you know what operating system you’re actually using, so you can hurry and update it?
At a yoga class I attended years ago, the instructor said something I absolutely loved: pay attention to the ‘quality of your thoughts.’ I’d never heard it put quite like that before. Are you experiencing the thoughts of someone who’s just getting by? Maybe the same ones you had throughout a personal crisis in the past? Or are they millionaire-level, high-quality thoughts? Success starts with your mindset, so the quality of your thoughts needs to be super high caliber to get the results you want. That’s how people get to the top.
In order to truly understand what’s going on in your mind, and the ways in which you may be sabotaging your success, you have to start tracking the thoughts you’re thinking about things outside of you and yourself.
To understand your mind you must
become an observer and an avid
note-taker of your thoughts.
Any time you start to feel anxious, sad, or lacking in confidence, write down the thought from which that feeling stems. Remember when we talked about taking out your mind, like you’d remove a helmet from your head? My suggestion is to start to observe your mind and make every thought, emotion, and judgment neutral. Get curious instead of judgmental about those thoughts that are coming in, moment by moment. This has to become part of your daily practice for you to be able to take back control of your life.
Try this exercise, which I ask my clients to do in the very beginning of our time together. Observe your thoughts for at least 48 hours, and write them down, using a note-taking app on your phone, such as Evernote. Pay particular attention to any sort of powerful emotion that comes up (be that positive or negative, as both give us positive insight).
In those moments when you feel unstoppable, on top of the world, what are you thinking? And conversely, in those moments when you fall into complete despair and are unable to get out of bed, let alone move forward with your dreams, what are the specific thoughts that are holding you back?
This also pertains to the thoughts we think about our capabilities. As women, we’re often so self-critical, and say things to ourselves that we’d never dream of saying to a best friend – and those are the words we’re using to create our reality! The real truth is that treating yourself in a way that you’d never treat someone else is no recipe for success. You may think that tough love is the way to get results, but in my experience, that’s not the case.
Of course hard work is necessary to reach most big goals, but it’s actually counterproductive for you not to be kind to yourself during the process. If you want to be one of the world’s most successful people, it’s essential that you transform the way you treat yourself. We’ll cover this topic more in the Self chapter. If you’re anything like me (and my clients!), what you’ll discover about your language and thoughts will be pretty shocking, but don’t worry, there’s a way to change this way of thinking.
One of the most inspirational books I read at the beginning of my own journey to something big was The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks. A psychologist and teacher, Hendricks is known for his work on a concept called the ‘upper limit.’ An upper limit is a glass ceiling of sorts that stops us from reaching what he calls our Zone of Genius.
He says, ‘Each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. When we exceed our inner thermostat setting, we will often do something to sabotage ourselves, causing us to drop back into the old, familiar zone where we feel secure.’9
Once you’re clear on your own thought habits and the reason why you may be stuck in patterns that aren’t serving you, you can start to also pay attention to the upper limits that are stopping you from reaching your goals and dreams.
For example, in my coaching work, I often find that my clients have an upper limit on the amount of money they can make, and it’s based on what their family or society told them was possible for them at an early age. My goal is to support them in seeing that six figures or seven figures (and beyond) is possible for them, and there for the taking. It’s time for you to do the same and bust through your own upper limits.
As you can imagine, shifting your negative thoughts and upper limits takes time, attention, and practice – after all, you’ve been engaged in habitual thinking for decades. But I’m going to give you some simple ways to see a huge transformation, starting today.
My advice is to take note of what resonates with you in the rest of this chapter. You’re welcome to pick and choose a few action steps to try first, and then come back to this part of the book later on, to give the rest of them a go. Either way, you have to immerse yourself in this work and new way of thinking. It can’t be something you dabble in. In case you didn’t know, dabblers don’t get results. Well, they do, but tiny, dabbling ones, and you’re better than that. It’s important to make this non-negotiable.
Let’s now look at four ways you can start to make the transformation:
In an interview conducted before she passed away, Louise Hay spoke about the way people delusionally (my word, not hers) believe they’re going to create change or the life they want by practicing positive thinking for a small percentage of the day while spending the rest of the time in self-pity, negative thinking, despair, or victim mentality. But that’s not how this works.
Let me give you an example. There was a point in my life when I lost 25 pounds (11kg) by not working out. Yes, you read that correctly. For years, I struggled with weight gain, especially as I was building my business. There were periods when I worked out six times a week – spinning, yoga, running – but nothing seemed to change.
Finally, I went on a plan that reset my metabolism and helped me completely change my diet. It may seem obvious, but I started to see that what I put into my body was the key to weight loss, not the exercise. So now I try to eat in this new way for 90 percent of the time throughout the week. Obviously, sticking to the plan 100 percent of the time would elicit even more results – but I’m not available for a life without pizza.
It’s the same for your mind; as we discussed in the Purpose chapter, one of the ways you can shift your emotional state is to saturate your mind in as much positivity as possible. Is your mind in the gutter for a majority of the time? Are you thinking it’s not possible to reach your goals, or that you’re not worthy and deserving?
It’s important to observe every aspect of your day: from your initial morning thoughts when the cortisol in your body is higher, to midday lunch thoughts when you feel tired, to what you’re thinking in the evening before bed. What’s the pattern of the playlist that’s going through your mind, and is it serving you? If not, what can you do to make it a more positive one?
Another thing I recommend is paying attention to what you’re allowing into your mind. For example, the TV shows or movies you watch on a regular basis. Since doing this work, I’ve become highly sensitive to what’s on TV and the movies I watch. There’s so much happening in the world that can leave us feeling depressed, so in my downtime, I prefer watching things that light me up and end with everything working out, tied neatly in a bow. Like the Hallmark Channel movies I’m obsessed with during Christmas time or comical clips of the Ellen DeGeneres Show. I want to watch things that make me feel good. (Remember how important feeling good is?)
It’s the same with your thoughts – what program is your mind tuned in to? What are you feeding it? Remember: this is all about you saturating your mind and keeping it on a short leash so it doesn’t stray. You have to use language that reflects what it is you want to achieve.
Once you have a list of all the harmful thoughts that are going through your mind, or at least an understanding of them, you can saturate your mind with a new way of thinking by using a technique called ‘flipping the switch.’ (I didn’t coin this term but I can’t recall where I first heard it.)
Flipping the switch is simple, but it takes practice and focus. It works like this: whenever those negative thought habits creep up, you can start to flip them to the opposite thought. Here are some examples:
This process is all about retraining your mind to create new thought habits. Again, the easiest way to think about it is to imagine you’re creating a new playlist that’s going to support you in reaching your dreams. (We all know there are certain songs that make us run faster at the gym!)
Please know that in the beginning, it can feel like you’re lying to yourself, or as if what you’re saying isn’t actually real. That’s okay – start with what feels good to you. Maybe that means something smaller, and building up from there. Just keep moving forward with flipping the switch. Soon enough, it will start to feel like second nature and the truth – just like any other new habit you create. (We all know that green juice didn’t taste good at first!)
That new playlist will help you get the results you want – like listening to your favorite song while running on the treadmill (versus that meditation music that puts you to sleep). There’s power in the playlist.
Once you’ve retrained your mind and created new, flipped phrases to focus on – ‘I’m worthy of everything I want’ versus ‘I’m not worthy’ – put up Post-It notes around your house displaying this new way of thinking. When I was first retraining my mind during that period of 54 nos in a row, I had these notes all around the house – on the refrigerator, the bathroom mirror, the front door. Now I have them stuck to my desktop computer. Choose a place that works for you: somewhere you’re guaranteed to see the phrases throughout the day.
You can also create screensavers for your computer or phone that display your new phrases. Even if you’re not a designer, there’s plenty of software out there that will allow you to make a quick graphic, or you may even be able to find your phrases on Pinterest. (One of my colleagues actually had her financial money goals made into a T-shirt. Bonus points if you take it to that level!)
Cancel, clear, delete. No, I’m not asking you to reset your computer: I’m showing you how to reset your mind. As you’re creating new programming, it’s essential that you choose your words like you choose your clothes. Be more deliberate in your life. Don’t speak just to speak. Speak your dreams into reality and remember that your thoughts, words, and actions create that reality.
Don’t worry – it’s okay if you forget from time to time, or if a ‘I suck at this’ or ‘It’s never going to work’ come out. Just say ‘cancel, clear, delete’ and bring yourself back to the present and what you want to happen. Let me give you an example: more recently than I care to admit, I shared with James that one of my current fears is that I’m not going to reach the level of success I desire because I’m an introvert and don’t actually like spending time with big groups of people, networking and socializing.
The moment those words came out of my mouth, I knew it was a ‘cancel, clear, delete’ moment. I didn’t want to put that out into my reality. I believe that I create my reality, and I’d already decided that I’m going to be a wildly successful introvert. There are plenty of them out there! Why not me? (If you identify with being an introvert and wonder how that may affect your success, we’ll be covering this topic later in the book.)
Also look out for your use of hesitant or uncertain words. Here’s an example – in our coaching programs, every time we start a new group or cohort, we invite our clients to a ‘Welcome to the Program’ phone call. During these, I ask each person to introduce herself and share her goals. And let me tell you, these women know how to dream big! Here are a few common themes...
However, as my clients describe their intentions and dreams, there’s usually one word that comes up: hopefully. I’m sure this is a word you use throughout your day and week as well. Maybe to you it’s not a big deal, but let me share a dictionary definition of it with you: All being well; it is to be hoped that; if all goes well; if everything turns out all right; God willing; most likely; with luck; probably; conceivably; feasibly.10
Seems a bit wishy-washy, right? Would you bet your life on hopefully? No! In fact, I feel so strongly about this that I’ve eliminated the word from my vocabulary. When we qualify, or restrict, our goals and dreams by using words such as hopefully, we’re communicating doubt; the word hints at the fact that we don’t 100 percent believe that they are possible, and who wants that?
For instance, ‘I’m hopefully going to start working with clients this month’ doesn’t have the same power as ‘I’m going to start working with clients this month.’ Or ‘I’m hoping to get a raise in the next quarter’ versus ‘I’m getting a raise in the next quarter.’ The former communicates doubt, while the latter tells the Universe that this goal is non-negotiable for you – that it’s going to happen, one way or another.
And if there’s one thing I’ve learned when it comes to mindset and dreams, it’s that there’s no room for self-doubt. You have to believe in yourself and your dreams full force. You have to really, truly trust that your dreams are possible for you in order to see the success you want.
Doubt kills dreams. It’s up to you
to fortify your mindset
so it can reject doubt.
Again, your thoughts and words create your reality – and if you’re thinking and communicating in a way that doesn’t make your goals non-negotiable, then your reality isn’t going to reflect what you truly desire. Your mind actually doesn’t know the difference between what has happened and what hasn’t yet happened. That’s why this is so key. It also doesn’t know the difference between ‘I won’t fail’ and ‘I will fail’ – because in both phrases, the focus is on failure. Flip it to ‘I will succeed’ instead.
Your choice of words should make you feel good, too. For example, when I first started doing this work, I also eradicated the words ‘expensive’ and ‘debt’ from my vocabulary because they made me feel limited and anxious. (I changed expensive to ‘premium’ and debt to ‘investments’.)
You, too, need to start recognizing your own patterns in language and what feels good and what doesn’t. This is about communicating to the Universe, God, yourself – whatever you believe in – that what you desire is possible, and that it’s already on its way to you. There’s simply no room for ‘hopefully,’ ‘maybe,’ or ‘someday’ when it comes to your dreams.
You may have been visualizing without knowing it for years. For example, I saw a quote graphic on Instagram with an image of Alicia Silverstone as Cher in the movie Clueless in class, holding up her pink feather pen. It said ‘I used to get in trouble for daydreaming at school. Little did they know that I was VISUALIZING.’ Visualizing is daydreaming with massive intention behind it. It could also be considered meditation or prayer. It’s simple to do and a hugely underused tool we have at our disposal.
In 2014 I used visualization to get an upgrade on a flight to the US for a conference with my coach. Every day in the run-up to my trip, I sat silently and pictured myself walking onto an airplane and, instead of making my way to the back and the economy seats, I saw myself touching the beautiful leather Business Class seats. I saw myself putting my carry-on bag safely above my head, and not having to fight for space in the overhead locker, sitting down in my comfy seat, and immediately being handed a glass of champagne; I then stretched my legs, only to discover I had more room than I needed.
An hour later, I saw myself being handed a gorgeous plate of food on a tablecloth, and silverware instead of plastic utensils – it was like eating in a five-star restaurant in the air. And most importantly, I felt the feelings associated with having that reality. And it worked! I was upgraded to Premium Economy on Virgin Airlines (their version of Business Class). I couldn’t believe it!
One study has even shown that athletes who visualize and practice the results they want are much more likely to reach them than those who just practice.11 Isn’t that incredible?
One of my favorite examples of the power of visualization is Amy Purdy, an Olympic snowboarder who was diagnosed with meningitis in her early 20s and had to have her legs amputated to save her life. I first heard her speak when I went to Oprah’s ‘Live Your Best Life’ event, where she shared her powerful story with us.
When Amy discovered what the doctors had to do in order to save her life, she made the decision that she was still going to do what she’d always intended, despite the loss of her legs. So she set her mind on her dreams, not on what was about to change for her physically. She visualized herself skiing down the mountain. She felt the wind blowing through her hair, the icy air on her face, and the heavy Olympic medal being placed around her neck and against her chest.
A few years later, not only did she win that medal, but she also went on to dance on Dancing with the Stars, speak on stage in front of thousands of people, write a book, and start a business that creates shoes for women with prosthetic legs.
Visualization has everything to do
with feeling and getting on the
same frequency of what you want.
We hear stories like these all the time, but rarely do we take the time to try visualization ourselves or really understand it. Visualization works because when you tell the mind you’ve done something, it doesn’t know if it’s happening now or in the future. As I said earlier, it can’t tell the difference. And when you expect that something is on its way, you’re more likely to take the action in support of that belief. For example, Amy kept training, she kept focusing on her medal, she showed up – and she got the result she’d envisioned.
So, get yourself to the place where you can feel yourself…
And remember, your mind is a magnet and everything you want wants you back. Expect it to be on its way.
Before we dive into the next topic, I want you to celebrate all the work you’ve done so far – you’ve learned about thought habits, have an understanding of how the mind works, and how it’s holding you back, and you’ve started to reprogram it so that it gets you the success you want. This is going to be a game-changer for you. Cheers to you!
Even after all that work to transform your mindset, you may find that fear and worry about your future still creep into your thoughts. And please know that in those moments, you’re definitely not alone.
In her book Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear, Elizabeth Gilbert bluntly declares that her ‘fear is boring.’12 Is your fear boring, too? Has it been playing the same song, over and over again? Has it stopped you from moving forward with your dreams and creating a life you really love? So why are you continuing to give it so much power? Think about it like this: if you’re allowing the fear to take over, or you’re playing the victim who isn’t capable or doesn’t have a choice, do you think you’re actually going to move forward with your dreams and hit your goals?
No. At least not without shifting something internally. And remember, you can only have one thought at any given time, so it’s up to you to choose one that’s actually going to serve you (and we both know that’s not fear!)
In The Big Leap, Gay Hendricks describes fear as merely ‘excitement without breath.’13 I bet you never thought about it that way. Think about how you feel before getting on a rollercoaster. Excited and scared, right? What if you allowed your fear to actually be a sign of excitement instead of the big STOP sign it is right now? How much would your life change? How much more success would you be able to create? How would that decrease your level of anxiety?
At the beginning of building my business, I worried about what people would think (keep reading to see how to handle that one!); how I’d make money; if anyone would actually buy what I was selling; how I’d get to where I wanted to go. This is normal, and I’d imagine you’ve had similar worries. In fact, most of us are addicted to worry.
When we go deep into the subconscious mind, we learn that worry stems from what our parents taught us, or from a specific past experience. As you were growing up, you probably did have something to worry about; but now, your reality isn’t the same, yet you’re still worrying. Remember, the mind will pull from the ‘previous experiences library’ to predict the future. It wants you to stay safe (stuck) so it brings up these worries based on past experiences in the hope of deterring you from moving forward. But this doesn’t have to be your forever reality. You can be free from worry.
I’m proud to say that, after decades of being a chronic worrier, I’ve made my peace with worry. In fact, there was one moment fairly recently when I woke up and realized that I was done. Something shifted in me, and I started to think about the actual ROI (return on investment) of my worry. I couldn’t come up with one. single. thing. In fact, my worry has caused me nothing but stress, backaches, sleepless nights, fights with James – literally nothing positive.
In fact, worry is like a nail in a tire, and you are the tire. It starts as a small hole that gets bigger and bigger over time. More and more worries results in more and more holes, and eventually you’re left with a flat, non-functioning tire. You literally become deflated because worry sucks your energy.
And the reality is that changing your life and achieving your dreams takes a lot of effort; you need all the energy you have in order to make your dreams a reality. You can also think about yourself as a bucket filled with water. You have a certain amount of water (energy) available to you, and when you worry, it uses up your energy and you no longer have access to as much as you did before the worry came into play. See, no ROI. And the sad (but also exciting) truth is that most of our worries never actually happen. Yet we still expend so much energy on them. Think about what you could create/do/achieve with that energy instead!
Here’s a simple way to move past fear and worry: take action even though it’s there. Trust me, fear is with me every step of the way, but it no longer gets to run the show. As Elizabeth Gilbert says, fear can be in the car but it doesn’t get to touch the radio and it definitely doesn’t get to drive.14 Taking action is how you kick fear out of the driver’s seat. After all, there can only be one driver.
So, decide that today’s the day you’re going to take action, despite the fear. Decide that you’re not going to let the ‘what ifs’ or the ‘what if it doesn’t work outs’ run the show. I’ve a whole chapter on Action coming up in the book, so stay tuned.
At this point in the book, I feel like it’s my job to tell you that you are extraordinary. What you’ve just uncovered in this chapter alone is not only essential to your success but also work that most people don’t do in their entire lifetime. Take time to celebrate the changes you’ve already created in your life and those that are about to become more apparent over the passing days. You’re incredible.
Once you have a list of your harmful thoughts, choose at least one negative belief and practice replacing it with a new more positive thought and visualize what you desire. Observe that changes that happen in your life due to this powerful step.