‘Every adversity has a seed of either
equal or greater value or benefit.’1
NAPOLEON HILL
I used to think that having a positive mindset meant that nothing negative would ever happen to me. We’d continue to go up, and up, and up in our business and life. (Yes, that was wishful thinking.) I didn’t want to join the realists. After all, I was used to challenge during my quarter-life crisis; I’d been there and done that. But as my reality changed and my business grew, I didn’t expect challenge to be there in the car with me along the journey. Let’s just say, I was wrong…
In July 2017, while in New York City for a publicity retreat I was attending, I opened my computer and pulled up my email inbox to check my messages. I spotted an email from one of the clients in my high-level mastermind (it caught my attention because she wasn’t someone who usually emailed me). I opened it quickly and my heart sank. It said, ‘I’d like to withdraw my place in the mastermind.’
I texted James to ask him if he’d seen the email – he hadn’t. We were both stunned. A few hours later, we received two more emails, just like it. I was so upset that I didn’t go to the retreat that day. I spoke to one of our coaches, to try to get some personal support and a game plan in place for getting to the root of what was happening with our clients. I’d never dealt with anything like that before, so I didn’t know what to do.
During that time in my life, I had a tendency to take things personally. I’ve always been emotional, and it’s difficult for me to separate that emotion from my business. After all, the word ‘heart’ is an integral part of the work that I do – I lead with my heart, I make heart-based decisions, and I let my clients into my heart.
The next day, I was supposed to be at day 3 of the event in New York City, and then fly to Italy to meet James in Florence. I ended up calling the airline and switching my flight to that evening. I wanted to be out of the city and with James so we could try to figure this out together. I got on a 4:30 p.m. flight and by the time I arrived in Florence, we had two more emails from clients wanting to leave the mastermind.
We’d been looking forward to this trip all year, as it was our first real time off in a while. ‘Why did this have to happen now?’ I wondered. During our time away, two more emails came in, making a total of seven.
For confidentiality reasons, I’m not going to go into the details of this experience, except to say it resulted in a large financial loss for our company, and it was one of the most difficult challenges of my life thus far. When you throw everything you have into your work and want so badly to create a positive experience and massive change for your clients, when something like that happens, it’s like a giant slap in the face. But in so many ways, like most challenges as you’ll come to learn, it’s the best thing that could have happened.
The truth is that I don’t actually like admitting to my challenge. I’d much rather not have anything like this to share. But I do: I’m human, and I’m always learning. And I ultimately know that challenge presents itself for my benefit.
During my moments of challenge, I’ve often reminded myself that challenge is good. I remember that strong muscles are a result of microscopic tears in the muscles which, once repaired, lead to increased strength.2 So that’s what challenge is for us too – tearing and then becoming stronger.
Challenge creates strength and allows you to grow in ways that positive experiences, well, can’t. It’s also one of those great teachers which, when we’re open to it and allow it in, can transform us in unimaginable ways. Think about it like this – when you go to that workout class, you know the teacher’s support and drive will help you work 10 times harder than you’d choose to do on your own. And for that reason, you get stronger and see more results in a shorter amount of time. It’s the same thing with challenge: it’s making us stronger, yet the majority of us want to avoid it at all costs.
In her book Trust, Iyanla Vanzant says, ‘While you want to be saved from the fall off the cliff, the law wants you to realize how long you can hang on, building your muscles in the process.’3 Isn’t that a beautiful way of thinking about it? I like to think about the Universe arranging events specifically for me, for my benefit, and that includes challenge. It makes me stronger and gives me more gifts than success ever will.
And I know that challenge is never just about me. I heard Elizabeth Gilbert speak at Oprah’s live event in 2014, and she said she was so nervous before her appearance, until she realized it wasn’t actually about her. There were people who needed to hear her message; it was about them.
I believe my challenge is not only for my growth, but for yours as well. When you hear about my challenge and experience your own – which you will, because we’re all humans with challenges – I don’t want you to feel alone. I want you to know that it’s normal. The more we share our ups and downs, the better off we’ll all be. You’ll know that if something doesn’t go as planned, you aren’t a failure. And all that matters is what you do next.
I know it’s not always easy, but the sooner you learn to turn challenge into a positive, the quicker you’ll be able to move through it and develop respect for it – and of course, experience its lessons and benefits. In order to do that, you have to flip the switch on your thinking about challenge. Let’s look at a few ways to do that together.
How would it feel to celebrate all your past challenges and the challenges to come? Give it a shot now!
I see challenge as preparation. None of us are born knowing everything we need to know about creating success. It requires growth and learning, and I believe the fast path to that growth and learning is challenge. Think about it like this: when you’re young and you fall off your bike and hit your head, you learn really quickly that you need to wear a helmet, much quicker than if you see someone else fall or if your parents just tell you it’s going to hurt, if or when that happens.
Similarly, my sister is almost six feet tall, and during her pre-teen years, there were periods when she grew at lightning speed. Her legs would hurt during these growth spurts, and there were days when she’d throw herself on the bed and cry. Although it was difficult to witness that, my family and I couldn’t do anything about it. It had to happen. And it’s the same for you in your own time of challenge. It’s on behalf of your own growth and development. It’s a good thing!
The challenge I experienced with our clients leaving the mastermind forced me to become the next-level version of me. We had to get our finances together, and that led to some amazing personal and business growth – it definitely resulted in strength I didn’t know I had.
For most of us, the difficulty of challenge isn’t hindsight; we can look back and see why something happened and how we were able to grow from it. The test is to see those positives while you’re in the midst of it. But it is possible. You can see the silver lining if you’re willing to look for it. And even if you can’t see it, you can use your past as an example. I’m sure there have been plenty of challenges you’ve already experienced that ended up being blessings in disguise.
What if you treated the current challenge exactly the same way, and assumed it too was a blessing? Most of us have had enough experience with challenge to be able to guess at what the benefits of a current situation may be, and the sooner you start looking for those blessings, the sooner they’ll appear. It’s when we resist challenge that it persists longer than necessary.
Think of one previous challenge that resulted in a positive outcome. Have that challenge to hand to use as an example during difficult times that arise in the future.
The topic of victim mentality could be a whole book in itself. Victim tendencies run rampant in women, and I see this all the time in the work that I do with driven entrepreneurs. Victims are people who blame the world for anything that happens to them. They take no personal responsibility for challenges or hardships. They feel that everyone is out to get them, and for that reason, they often go into blame mode during difficult moments.
If that resonates with you, I want you to listen closely and hear me when I say: You are responsible for everything that happens in your life. Now before you throw this book out the window, stick with me. If you believe that your thoughts, words, and actions create your reality, then that means the positive as well as the negative!
You can’t have one without the other – that wouldn’t work. This isn’t a selective process – it’s universal. So if you’re bringing about the good, you’re also bringing about the bad. It’s no one’s fault but your own. (Please hear me when I say that I’m not talking about things like physical or sexual abuse; I’m referring to instances like the story I shared at the beginning of this chapter.)
For example, when our clients asked to leave our program, I had to take a look at which element of that I was responsible for. What could I have done better? And in what ways did I actually manifest that experience? Of course I hated the fact that I’d manifested the experience at all, and every ounce of me wanted to deny that reality – I’m human and I want to feel good, and believe me, nothing about this felt good. But I had to force myself to take a vulnerable look in the mirror. Although it’s rarely easy, you have to take responsibility for your reality and remember it’s happening for you, not to you.
I know that’s potentially a difficult concept to stomach, but it’s a crucial one to integrate and understand. Look at it like this – if you know your tendency is to blame others when bad things happen, it’s your job to stick with the challenge instead, because only then will you truly get the lesson.
Think about challenge as a gift – if you just pass it on to someone else and don’t actually open it, look at it, or even acknowledge it, you’re missing the whole point! Ask yourself, what’s the lesson? How is this meant to stretch you to the next level? How is this helping you drop blame and take personal responsibility?
Challenge can also reveal limiting beliefs. Going back to my experience, I believe one of the reasons why the mastermind scenario played out was because I had a deep-seated fear of losing my business. Entrepreneurs in my family had lost businesses and I was recreating the pattern in my family. And if it wasn’t for some savvy financial planning and support, that could have happened. Luckily, through my challenge I learned my own strength and resilience and was able to shift that fear. The same is possible for you.
What if the bigger the challenge, the bigger the gift? That’s how I choose to view challenge. I love the quote at the beginning of this chapter by Napoleon Hill, from his book Grow Rich! With Peace of Mind: ‘Every adversity has a seed of either equal or greater value or benefit.’4
To me, those words are a reminder that it’s so important to have faith and keep moving forward, no matter what, because the most difficult moments are setting you up for growth. You may not see it just yet, but on the other side of the struggle there’s something even greater about to sprout up – huge breakthroughs, major lessons, massive clarity: all right beneath the ground. The bigger the challenge, the greater the profit.
Challenge helps you identify
where you can grow as a person
– it’s essential to your success.
So, no matter where you’re at in your life at this present moment – whether you’re more of the ‘hot mess’ that I was or on your way to your dreams – when challenges come up and things feel less than stellar, you have to remember that they’re happening for a reason. As Robin Sharma says, ‘All change is hard at first, messy in the middle, and beautiful at the end.’5 The messier that middle, the more beautiful at the end, so stop making the present moment wrong. It has a purpose!
One of the other helpful ways I’ve learned to deal with challenge is through comparing it to the change of seasons. If you think about it, it makes total sense: spring is bountiful and summer is lush, but throughout all that time, the planet is also preparing for fall and winter, when things literally die. As Iyanla Vanzant says: ‘Each season supports a purpose that advances life.’6 It’s the same with your life and success.
Our challenges are necessary, and frankly, we shouldn’t be that surprised when they occur. The planet doesn’t question when the leaves fall or when animals go into hibernation. That’s part of the experience of life! When you’re going through a challenging time, look at it as a season in your life. You’re being prepared for something – something new is on its way, there’s about to be a rebirth, a seed has been planted. Find a metaphor that resonates and speaks to you.
I get really excited when my clients are experiencing challenge. For example, one of my clients messaged me saying that she’d just booked a trip to her vacation home to work on the creation of her new course in peace. She said as she purchased the ticket for the flight, she had heart palpitations because it was the first time she was going to be away from her four kids. I couldn’t have been more proud than I was in that moment. That challenge and step was transformation right before my eyes.
The same thing happens when my clients ‘unexpectedly’ lose their job or their fiancé leaves them – I know something juicy is about to happen, and that they’re actually being prepped internally for something bigger; space is being created for that ‘greatness’ or a shift to come in.
You’re not meant to be great overnight, and that’s not how this works. You have to become great. There’s no such thing as an instant success story. (And sometimes those who do experience faster success discover it actually doesn’t serve them because they weren’t ready. There’s a reason why young celebrities get into trouble and make a mess of their life – they don’t know who they really are, what they want, or how to be the person with their level of success.) Challenge grooms you for everything you desire. Challenge isn’t the enemy – it’s your teacher, bodybuilder, and coach rolled into one.
The good news is that in those moments of despair, there’s always something that is working simultaneously. Remember, the Law of Polarity dictates that you can’t have something that doesn’t work without also having something that does work at the same time. And you can’t have the good without the bad, so of course the bad exists!
One of the very best parts of going after my dreams and running my own business has been the incredible clients who’ve trusted me to help guide them on their own journeys. For every woman who complains (and believe me, I’ve gotten some nasty messages), there are 15 women who have an amazing experience. But we all know that, for some reason, that one complainer stands out more than the rest. However, you can choose to focus on the positive instead of the negative. You can flip the switch!
For example, in those moments when I get the scathing email or Facebook message or mean comment on a video, I focus on the clients who have brought me tears of joy as I watch them overcome obstacles and reach their goals. Every client is a reminder that my big dreams truly were meant for me – that putting myself and my gifts out there to the world, despite the struggles and fears that come with entrepreneurship, has been totally worth it.
In case you’re unaware, challenge is normal. And I know, I know, you’re not looking to be normal, but what I mean is that everyone who has done something great has experienced challenge. That’s why Brendon Burchard has such a famous saying like ‘honor the struggle.’ The struggle can be real for those of us who choose to follow our heart. Those who came before you experienced the same thing. Honor them. Know that they paved the way for you in many ways. And trust that just like them, you too will make it to the other side and be stronger for it.
One more thing – it’s imperative to practice gratitude through the fear, sorrow and pain you experience. As Oprah Winfrey once said, ‘I got so focused on the difficulty of the climb that I lost sight of being grateful for simply having a mountain to climb.’7
Challenge is a gift. And the other gift is that you’re alive and feeling it. I want you to really understand the level of gratitude I possess for all the challenges I’ve been through over the past few years. Here are just some of the ways in which they changed me…
Stay on the mountain. Keep climbing. The view is imminent, and it’s breathtaking. You’ve got this.
How has challenge transformed your life? Write a list like the one under ‘Be Grateful for the Mountain,’ and the next time challenge arises, use the tools in this chapter to help you move through it and see its benefits.