Never let your fear decide your future.
-Author Unknown
Karma lay on her side, watching Mark sleep. His arm lay slung over his stomach, his head turned toward her as if he’d fallen asleep watching her. His tousled, dark-brown hair hung over his forehead, and she resisted the urge to brush it back.
The moonlight glowing through the window made him look like an angel, so serene. He seemed completely at peace, so unlike how he’d been earlier, when he had looked more like a man standing trial for murder, consumed by guilt and shame over his past. But now he was the picture of tranquility.
What did he dream about? Did he dream? In color? They never talked about their dreams. Did he ever dream about Carol? Or the things he’d brought up tonight?
Suddenly restless, Karma sat up, brushed aside the gauzy curtains, and pulled herself out of bed. She had too much on her mind to sleep. Mark had hit her with a lot tonight, reminding her yet again how little she really knew about him. Her gut told her she’d found the man she was meant to spend the rest of her life with, but her brain kept sending out warning signals, some of which were like slaps to the face while others were more like gentle taps on the shoulder.
She pulled on a pair of underwear and one of his T-shirts, which hung halfway down her thighs, then tiptoed into the living room, slid open the door to the deck, and slipped outside.
The night was cool, but not cold. Refreshing. Maybe even a little invigorating. But then, she was in Saint Freaking Lucia. How could she not feel a little invigorated in a place like this, with its palm trees and tropical breezes?
Pattering barefoot down the stone steps, she descended to the pool, where she eased to the stone deck and dangled her feet and calves in the cool water.
There was still so much she didn’t know about Mark. This trip had made her realize that. What if, after they got to know each other better, she didn’t fit into his world as well as she thought she would?
He obviously had a lot of money. Karma didn’t come from wealth. Her parents had scraped by for a long time before her dad worked his way up the corporate food chain. But even after he earned a comfortable salary, they hadn’t rolled in the dough. Karma still owed on student loans, and despite a cozy amount tucked into savings, still lived mostly paycheck to paycheck. She didn’t want Mark to simply say, “I’ll take care of everything, hon.” There was something to be said for making her own way, earning her own money, and paying her own bills. She didn’t want to lose her identity by allowing Mark to simply take care of everything.
And then there was Carol. She didn’t want to think about that woman when she and Mark were supposed to be on a romantic vacation, but it couldn’t be helped. Until Mark made peace with his past, Karma would continue to feel like Carol was a fifth wheel in their relationship.
But now, more than just Carol reared up from his past. What about all that other stuff he’d told her? About Nina, the threesomes, the sex parties? The drugs? Hiring a prostitute? His sex fantasies?
During their conversation, her need for honesty had overruled logic, making everything he’d confessed seem like no big deal. The fact her happy hormones had been flowing like a swollen river, as well, had only reinforced that sentiment. But two hours later, and logic was back in charge. The hot sex was over and reality set in, and the reality was, Mark had been around the block a time or two . . . or ten.
How did she really feel about that?
Social norms dictated that she should be furious he had paid for sex. That he was a disgusting, foul man. That what he’d done was wrong. And it was. Very wrong. But the situation wasn’t so cut and dry. Mark was repentant. Clearly disgusted at himself for the things he’d done. And he thought enough of her to tell her the truth, and not just tell her, but confess in such a way that made it obvious he needed her approval. That he needed her to understand he was no longer that man but an improved version committed to moving forward on a straighter path.
How could she hold his past against him? Everyone had a past. But the past didn’t have to define the future. Sure, it could affect and mold a person, but that didn’t mean the molding process was inherently negative. People did learn from their mistakes, and Mark had already proven he was the type of man who learned from his.
Even so, her own self-confidence had taken a hit after hearing him talk about all the stuff he’d done. What if she couldn’t measure up? He wanted her to engage in role-play sex with him. To play out elaborate fantasies requiring extensive planning. But she wasn’t Nina or any of those other women he’d done those things with. What if she wasn’t any good? What if she tried and failed? Would he be disappointed?
The idea of playing out his fantasies did sound exciting, though. And maybe that’s partly what this trip was about. Maybe he really wanted to play the part of her kidnapper and for her to play his victim for a few days. Give her a trial run, so to speak. She could definitely see the appeal of playing such a game. Her insides even warmed at the thought of being tied up, pretending to be terrified as he touched her, cut off her clothes, and had his way with her. Wetness even licked her between the legs at the image of him holding her down as she pretended to be scared, aghast that she was responding to her kidnapper with such desire.
But sometimes fantasies played out better in the mind than in reality, so maybe she should just leave that door closed, even if Mark wanted to open it.
She lifted her gaze to the moon. She wouldn’t find the answers tonight. For now, she simply needed to put his confession out of her mind so her subconscious could dissect everything he’d told her. She didn’t need to ruin their vacation by obsessing over things she had little or no control over. That included Mark’s past and all the things she still didn’t know about the man she loved.
And she was in love with him. That much was certain.
But would that love continue to grow, or would his past eventually prove too much to contend with?