They’d sat where directed and had taken several sips from their drinks and put them down on the lacquered wooden tabletop when Erica said: ‘So, do you want to tell me now what Grandpa said that’s upset you?’
‘We didn’t say we were upset,’ Mackenzie said.
‘No. Not really,’ Issy said.
‘Darlings, you’ve just driven more than three hours. Clearly it isn’t something you want to tell me over the phone,’ she said, placing a hand on each of their legs. ‘It’s okay, there’s not a lot that can shock me or upset me these days.’
‘Well …’ Mackenzie started and then stopped and looked at Issy with her eyebrows raised. ‘Do you want to tell her?’
‘No. You go.’
Mackenzie took an obvious deeper breath. ‘Mum? Did you have a miscarriage or a stillborn baby? A boy?’
What? Erica was stunned. Of all the things in her mind they might be about to tell her, this was not one of them. ‘No. Why do you ask?’
‘I mean, it could just be Grandpa babbling,’ Mackenzie said.
‘Well, he does do that,’ Erica said.
‘Yes, but he seemed so sure – adamant. And now he’s got that kitten, he seems quite lucid.’
‘Though in a slightly different time zone,’ Issy added.
‘Yes, there’s that. Oh I don’t know.’ Mackenzie frowned.
‘You obviously thought there was something in it because here you are. So, what exactly did he say?’ Erica prompted.
‘Well, he kept saying, “your brother”, as in our brother. Like he was talking about us having another sibling. Mark.’
Erica felt the blood drain from her face and was glad she was sitting down. Even still, her thighs began to quiver. She swallowed. ‘What did he say about him?’ she said, her voice little more than a squeaky croak.
‘Something about it being his birthday,’ Mackenzie said. ‘He seemed worried that it had been forgotten.’
Oh! Could that have been what was bugging me the other morning – when we went and got Todd? Erica frowned. Once she’d known his birth date. Had she repressed it, along with everything else about him? Was that because her parents hadn’t ever really mentioned him since his death? Until now, I couldn’t even have told anyone the month of his birthday. Shame swirled around inside her. And maybe still not; I can’t rely on anything Dad says. Sadness seeped in, and then another layer for her dad. She hated to think of him being upset, especially about choices made so long ago that couldn’t be undone. Was this distress in his old age what some people meant by karma?
‘Do you know who or what he was talking about?’ Issy said.
‘Oh my god, you do,’ Mackenzie said, clearly scrutinising her mother.
Erica nodded. ‘Mark was my brother. He died when I was eleven and he was eighteen. He drowned.’
‘God, Mum, that’s awful. You poor thing.’
‘Yes, that’s so sad. And must have been really hard,’ Issy said.
‘That kind of makes sense, though. Grandpa kept apologising for not doing the right thing, or something. And he said he was really sorry for not being more sympathetic for not … um … Issy, do you remember?’
‘Not remembering him, not acknowledging him. That’s what he said. It sort of seemed all encompassing – not just about his birthday.’
‘How come we don’t know? You’ve never mentioned him. Have you? He would have been our uncle. That’s weird, Mum.’
‘Yeah. Remember Katie’s brother died – Katie from the year below me – they celebrate his birthday every year,’ Issy said.
‘Commemorate, not celebrate,’ Mackenzie corrected.
‘Yes. Commemorate it. But still …’
‘I know it seems odd and almost unbelievable, but it was the eighties and things were different then,’ Erica said.
‘We might not have been there, but we know all about the eighties – big hair, clothes in lurid fluoro with matching eyeshadow …’ Mackenzie said.
‘Don’t forget the great music,’ Erica added.
‘Yeah, all right, we’ll give you that, won’t we, Is?’
‘Yep.’
‘So …?’ Mackenzie prompted, serious again.
‘Remember the tatty old brown jumper that lives in my bedside drawer? That was his; it’s all I have of him.’
‘Oh. I thought that must have been one of Dad’s,’ Mackenzie said.
‘Other than that, I don’t remember Mark at all or his funeral. Nothing. Not even his birthday or the date he died. Mum and Dad didn’t really ever talk about him afterwards. And you know how they were teachers in country schools and we moved around a lot?’
The girls nodded.
‘Well, I can’t remember which town we were living in when he died, and where he might be buried – if he even is buried.’
‘That’s the olden days – he would have been buried, I reckon,’ Issy said, nodding knowingly. Erica held her breath a little waiting for Mackenzie to admonish her. But she didn’t. Nor did she look at Erica like she was worried her mother had lost her mind. Because, really, as Erica was fully aware, all this was quite unbelievable. And coincidental, if it turned out Mark’s birthday was the same day Todd had died. Spooky. Though Renee was adamant there was no such thing as coincidence; that everything was connected. Erica became overwhelmed with the enormity of that thought and was relieved to let it go when Mackenzie spoke again.
‘It must have been really traumatic. That’s why you can’t remember. Your brain has blocked it,’ her eldest said.
‘Yeah, we’ve been reading up on it online – you know, after the whole Kayla palaver,’ Issy said. ‘There’s a thing called trauma by proxy.’
‘Are you okay?’ Erica asked, suddenly worried.
‘We have had a few sleepless nights, haven’t we, Is?’
Issy nodded.
‘Why didn’t you tell me? You said you were fine,’ Erica said.
‘We are. We’re okay, Mum,’ Mackenzie said.
‘Yeah, totally.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ Erica said.
‘It’s not your fault,’ Issy said.
‘Do you need to see someone – someone professional?’
‘No, I don’t think so.’
‘Maybe guided meditation would help – Walter put me onto an app. I’m really enjoying it; it’s calming me and helping with focus.’
‘Hmm. There are bits about that night that I can’t remember and some things I do but at first they aren’t in the right order, until I really make myself stop and think about it,’ Mackenzie said.
‘Yeah, same.’
‘Oh god,’ Erica said.
‘It’s okay, Mum. We’re just telling you because it does kind of make sense that you might have forgotten about your brother. And I’m guessing back then death, and kids for that matter, were treated differently – hence what Grandpa was on about, I guess,’ Mackenzie said.
Erica nodded.
‘What’s weird,’ Issy said slowly, ‘is why you wouldn’t remember what school you were at. Because surely he’d be buried in the local cemetery. Eleven is year seven, isn’t it? I can clearly remember the classroom I was in and where we all sat.’
‘Yes, but, Issy, you left school not long ago. Mum’s …’
‘Ancient?’ Erica suggested.
‘Well, yeah. Sorry, but …’
‘I don’t think it’s helpful to worry about the fact you can’t remember. Maybe there’s a way to figure it out. I did try to get it out of Grandpa, but he was fixated on apologising and that’s all. And he got a bit upset, so we left.’
‘Walter mentioned a website called Find A Grave – and I searched, but couldn’t find anything,’ Erica said.
‘What about school photos or reports?’ Mackenzie said.
‘Well, actually, this is all really spooky – the timing, that is. Because the other day we had to collect a body of a boy who drowned –’
‘Oh no. How awful,’ Issy said.
‘Yes. That’s so sad,’ Mackenzie said quietly.
‘Sorry. Go on.’
‘And it’s just that it reminded me of my brother Mark and how little I actually recall about him – or even really knew, maybe, for that matter. I do have a box of old papers and my school reports – either in the garage or up in the roof – so that might help for figuring out the school, but I didn’t want to raise all this at the time. I can’t get over how strange the timing is – with me and your grandpa. Sadly, I think Mark’s box of school photos and reports – if he ever had one; I can’t remember – must have been thrown out years ago. It wasn’t there when we went through the house,’ Erica continued.
‘No. If we’d seen it, we would have wanted to have a nosey for sure,’ Issy said.
‘Mum, would you mind us going through your box without you being there? Because, if you’re cool with it, that could be our mission – to find out whatever we can,’ Mackenzie said.
‘That’s fine. I wouldn’t mind at least knowing where I was at school that year.’
A moment later their meals arrived. Erica picked up her cutlery and began to eat. A problem shared is a problem halved, she thought idly, and then made a vow to try to stop keeping things to herself. I’m a chip off the old block, Dad. Look where it’s got us, she thought sadly. Though, there was still no way she would have announced any of this to the girls over the phone …
‘Yum. Oh my god, this is so good,’ Issy said.
‘Yeah, there was nothing like this in Europe,’ Mackenzie said, deadpan. ‘Just kidding. There was, but we couldn’t afford it.’