On Friday afternoon, Erica was sure she’d just heard the office’s front door open and close, but when she looked up a few moments later, after finishing her note so as not to forget, there was no one there. She frowned and tried to ignore the shiver creeping up and down her spine. There are no ghosts in here, she told herself firmly. Oh. Bruce. The dog’s demeanour would be a sure indicator. She turned to check if the dog was still snoozing in her bed, and almost leapt out of her chair.
Bruce was in fact in her bed. But sitting cross-legged beside her, just a couple of metres away, was a little girl dressed in the local primary school uniform of maroon windcheater and navy pants. Erica stood up so she had a complete view of the office in front of the reception desk in order to check for the whereabouts of the child’s parents. But the space was empty. She sat back down.
‘Hello, there,’ Erica said, facing the dog and the child.
‘Hello,’ said the child quietly, looking up at Erica. At that moment Erica knew who she was – the granddaughter of Bruce’s former owner. The girl who’d been beside Edith Barrow at the funeral.
‘You’re one of Milton Barrow’s granddaughters, aren’t you?’ she said.
‘Yes, she was my grandpa’s dog. I’ve come to say goodbye to her properly. I didn’t really get the chance yesterday at the funeral.’
Oh. God, you poor child.
‘I’m Eliza, by the way,’ the girl said.
‘Hello, Eliza, I’m Erica.’
‘I know. I remember you,’ Eliza said, having turned back around to face Bruce.
‘Um, how did you know where she’d be?’
‘Well, this is where I’d put her bed if I had a dog in an office,’ Eliza declared.
Right. Okay, then, Erica thought, trying not to smile too broadly. You’re quite the cutie, aren’t you, Eliza?
‘Thanks again for taking her. And having her inside. Bruce, you’re going to be very happy with Walter and Erica, okay? You’ll be safe. There’s nothing to be scared about here. And it’s not your fault my dad doesn’t like you, okay? You’re lovely,’ Eliza said, stroking the dog’s head rhythmically.
‘Is there a reason your dad doesn’t like her?’ Erica wondered if there was something she and Walter should know, and while she didn’t think it was perhaps quite ethical to quiz a small child – was she even eight? – without a parent present, she went ahead nonetheless. She was keen to know as much as possible about the dog.
‘Because she was Grandpa’s dog – they didn’t like each other very much.’
‘Oh, why’s that?’
‘Because he’s a mean old bastard – Grandpa, apparently.’
Erica had to force herself not to smile at the precociousness and matter-of-fact delivery.
The child’s hand stroking Bruce didn’t miss a beat. ‘That’s what Dad says. But he’s mean, too, so he can’t talk. Adults are very confusing,’ she said, frowning. Erica watched as Eliza’s shoulders rose and fell. The child took a deep breath and then sighed it out.
‘Yes, they can be,’ Erica said, choosing her words carefully. She watched as Bruce stretched out and exposed her belly, clearly happy with all the attention she was receiving.
‘Do your parents know you’re here? Are you meant to be in school?’ Erica said, suddenly thinking to check her watch. Primary school kids don’t have free periods, do they?
‘No. And yes,’ Eliza said.
‘Um, okay …?’
‘Yes, I’m meant to be at school. And, no, my parents don’t know where I am,’ Eliza said, her slight exasperation evident.
‘Because you’re meant to be in school?’
‘Exactly.’ Eliza returned her attention to stroking Bruce’s belly.
‘You’re going to get me in trouble,’ Erica said. She longed to gather the child to her and give her a big hug.
‘Sorry.’ But Eliza made no move to get up and leave.
‘Are you missing your grandpa?’
‘Hmm. A bit. Can I tell you something?’
‘You sure can.’
Eliza stared down at Bruce’s tummy. Erica watched her fingers drawing circles on the smooth, soft skin.
‘I think he’s better off dead,’ Eliza finally said.
‘Oh.’
‘I know you’re not allowed to say that. It’s not because I think he’s in heaven or a better place, or whatever – that’s absolute bullshit, if you ask me. It doesn’t even make sense.’
‘Right. Just between you and me, I quite agree. But don’t tell anyone,’ Erica said.
‘Okay. I’m good at keeping secrets.’
I bet you are, Erica thought, though she couldn’t help wondering what she might be holding onto if she was this open about these aspects of her family life. The thought made her uneasy. ‘So why is your grandpa better off dead?’ she asked.
‘Because he was in pain.’
Ahh. ‘Because he had a stroke, right?’ Erica said.
‘No. His heart hurt.’
Erica frowned to herself. She was sure Milton Barrow had died from a stroke.
‘It was broken a long time ago.’
‘Oh?’
‘It’s why he and Dad didn’t get along.’
‘Did something happen?’
‘Yes. Dad blames him for my little sister dying. And Grandpa blamed himself.’
Oh shit. Oh my god. Erica swallowed. She was a little lost with how to deal with this. She could also sense impending doom, that somehow this was going to come back and bite her later. She was glad the girl had her back to her. ‘I’m so sorry, Eliza.’
‘Thanks. It’s okay. I still have a brother. But I do miss Milly, though. She drowned in the dam. At Grandpa’s place.’
Oh. Oh, Milton. ‘That’s so sad. I see why you say your grandpa had a broken heart.’
‘Yes, he never forgave himself. That’s what Mum says. She’s still sad. Dad’s just angry. It’s all a bit of a mess, really.’
Oh, sweetheart.
‘Do you know what I think, Erica?’ said Eliza, who had turned and was now looking up at her, her big blue eyes filled with tears. Erica tried to swallow down the lump lodged in her own throat.
‘What’s that, Eliza?’ she said.
‘If people were kinder, the world would be a much better place,’ Eliza said.
‘Yes, you’re so right there,’ Erica said with a croak. She cleared her throat a little noisily. ‘Are you able to talk to your parents about how you’re feeling? Or maybe your teacher?’
‘Kind of. Not really. No one listens. I’m just a kid,’ she said sadly, bending down and kissing Bruce’s belly. ‘I’m not allowed to be sad. I have to put on a happy face. And Mum and Dad don’t need me to worry about, on top of everything else. So, basically, everything is pretty shit. But it will get better.’
‘It will,’ Erica agreed.
‘When?’
‘I don’t know. Sorry. Sorry, I know that’s not helpful.’
‘That’s okay. Adults often aren’t.’
‘We don’t always have the answers because sometimes there is no answer, unfortunately. I’ve lost people I loved myself and I know that I’m at times very sad and … and some days are less sad than others. But, and I know this is going to sound like one of those horribly annoying things grown-ups say that doesn’t really make sense, but I think your grandpa would like you to be positive about the future and enjoy your life. And make the most of it. Does that make sense?’
‘Sort of. You mean he wouldn’t want me being upset because of him, don’t you?’
‘Exactly.’
‘I wish I could have Bruce. Sorry, I know she’s yours now and that would make you and Walter very sad. And, anyway, it’s never going to happen …’
‘Are you absolutely sure?’
Eliza nodded. The big glistening eyes were now trained on Erica. ‘We don’t have sheep now, so no use for a sheepdog and no money to feed an extra mouth not pulling its weight. That’s what Dad says. You’ll be okay, Bruce,’ she said, burying her face in the dog’s tummy. ‘Grandpa loved you. And I love you. I’ll never forget you.’ She gave the dog a kiss on the face and scrambled to her feet. ‘I’d better go. I don’t want you getting into trouble, too.’ She kept her gaze down, but Erica knew she must be in tears. How could she not be?
Before Erica could say a word, she was being hugged and kissed on the cheek. ‘Thank you,’ Eliza whispered, and then ran around the counter to the front door. She disappeared outside and the door clunked closed behind her a moment later.
Erica went and poked her head outside to make sure Eliza got back to school safely, returning to her desk only after she’d seen the child run through the gate and disappear. For ages Erica tried to engross herself back in her work, but kept being distracted by thoughts of the encounter with Eliza. Her heart ached for the child and she longed to help. But she knew she couldn’t. She swivelled her chair around to look at Bruce. The dog looked fine.
‘Greetings! I’m back!’ Walter said jovially, coming in from the back. ‘Oh. Are you okay? What’s happened?’ he asked, looking at Erica.
‘Nothing really.’
‘But something’s up, because you look like you’ve just dropped your last dollar down a drain.’
‘I just had a visit from Eliza, Edith Barrow’s granddaughter. The one with her at the funeral.’
‘Oh?’
Erica took him through the encounter.
‘Oh my god. The poor thing,’ he said, sitting down heavily on his chair. ‘I didn’t know anything about that. Mary and I weren’t engaged to do the service and I don’t even recall hearing whispers. That’s odd, though perhaps not, given they live so far out of town – they’re not really Melrose locals. It puts rather a different slant on things. And I suppose goes some way to explaining why Milton was buried in the Melrose cemetery just down the road. I wonder where young Milly is interred – I’m thinking not there, because the family didn’t hang around to visit any other graves. How utterly heartbreaking.’ He shook his head slowly. ‘That darling little girl … Unfortunately, adults have a knack of disregarding children and being overprotective all at once. A bit like what might have gone on with your parents and your brother’s death, maybe. Disappointing to think how often history repeats …’
‘Hmm.’ God, you’re right. Probably nothing has changed and it’s four decades on. But there was no point dwelling on it. ‘She seemed both really young and fragile and very grown up,’ Erica said.
‘Well, sadly, I think that’s what life on the land can do. Kids are introduced to harsh realities from a very early age and at times in a very matter-of-fact manner. I think it’s both a blessing and a curse – in many ways. Hands-on and practical; they’re instantly quite grown up. But also, I suspect, emotionally stunted – that’s a bit harsh, but I can’t think of a better word; short-changed, maybe – because of not working through that side of things adequately, due to being so capable physically. If that makes sense? I’m not a medical expert, obviously, so it’s just my observation.’
‘I guess it’s a bit like how they say children aren’t born racist, but life makes them like that, and by life, I mean we, adults.’
‘Yes. Exactly. Sadly, hurt people hurt people – themselves and others … Oh, hello. Thank you. Yes, you’re a beautiful girl.’
Erica turned her chair back around to find Bruce had got out of her bed and was sitting in front of Walter with her head on his knee, looking up at him. He rubbed her face.
‘How could anyone not want you is a mystery to me,’ he said. ‘And I’m so sorry you’ve had a rough life and you don’t fully trust me.’ He bent down and kissed her on the head. And when he lifted his head, Erica saw tears in his eyes. ‘Oh god,’ he said, rubbing his face with his hands. ‘I seem to have got something in my eye.’ He pulled a tissue from the nearby box, and blew his nose. ‘I’m being a sentimental old fool,’ he muttered. ‘Look what you’re doing to me, Bruce, love. I’m not even a dog person. Well, I don’t know about you, but I need a cup of tea after all that,’ Walter said, getting up. ‘How about you, Erica?’
‘Yes please. White English breakfast, thanks.’
‘Coming right up.’