part0014

F riday’s come around so quickly; too quickly. I’m on the way to my session with Adam and for the first time ever I don’t want to go. Part of me wants to see him but something has changed, but I don’t know what.

I saw Adam in the canteen yesterday; Biro and I were sitting at our usual table when I happened to look up and I saw Adam across the room. He was standing in front of the doors talking to one of the tutors and although they were deep in conversation, I know that he must have seen me because I wasn’t that far away from him. I’m sure he looked right at me. I put my hand up in a wave and he totally blanked me, looked straight through me as if I wasn’t there. I felt proper stupid and turned the wave into brushing my hand over my head as if I was smoothing my non-existent hair.

‘I know him,’ Biro had said following my gaze.

‘That guy you’re staring at, I know him. He used to live in our street, a couple of doors down from us.’

‘Yeah. I think he’s a bit old for you though.’

I gave a fake laugh. ‘Don’t be stupid, I don’t fancy him.’

‘You want to tell your face that,’ Biro had said seriously.

‘I was just waving to him but I don’t think he saw me.’ I lower my voice. ‘He’s my counsellor.’

‘Is he?’ Biro had looked over at Adam in surprise. ‘I never knew he was a counsellor, he doesn’t look the type. Whatever’s he’s doing it seems to be working. Just remember he’s a counsellor and not your friend. It’s his job.’

‘I know that, I’m not stupid,’ I said, and then I started gabbling because I was on the defensive. ‘I think it’s definitely helping. Probably because he knows how I feel; he lost his mum when he was about the same age as me.’ I’d felt I needed to justify myself; the comment that I fancied him was making me feel uncomfortable. I should have just shut up because I can’t get anything past Biro.

Biro picked up his drink and took a slurp while giving me a level look.

‘His mum and dad still live a couple of doors away.’ He took another slurp of his drink. ‘Though that’d be his stepmum I suppose’.

‘Yeah, I don’t think his dad wasted any time in finding someone else.’ I’d immediately felt guilty for saying it, Adam had told me that in confidence and I’ve just blabbed it to Biro without a moment’s thought. I must learn to either keep my mouth shut or say it and not feel guilty.

I’d changed the subject and started talking about the band then so that I could get Biro off the subject of Adam but I could tell that he wasn’t fooled. I’m rubbish at lying. Will I be able to lie convincingly today? I know that Adam will want me to talk about Mum but I don’t want to. I’d manage to talk about Mum at the last session without actually telling him anything but I think Adam knows that I’m holding back and I don’t know how much longer I can hold back.

I do feel so much better but talking about Mum is not going to help because if I tell the truth about her, I’m going to feel so disloyal. Adam will judge her and I won’t be able to bear it. He might say he won’t judge her but the truth is he won’t be able to stop himself. I want to be honest with him but I know the longer I talk about her then the more chance there is that the floodgates will open and it’ll all come out.

This week should have been a good week. Once I’d got used to it, I felt brave and daring with my new hairstyle for a brief while but now I just feel shallow and pathetic for letting other people’s opinions influence the way I feel. Adam is right, I should have more self-worth. The gig is tomorrow night and the way I’m going that’s going to be ruined, which will be my own fault for trying to show off to Adam. If I hadn’t told him about Danny then I wouldn’t be feeling awkward around him in rehearsals. Adam’s words keep coming back to me and now I can’t even look at Danny without blushing. It’s obviously catching because now we hardly even talk and we got on really well before.

I slow my steps as I get nearer the counselling room; instead of wishing it wasn’t so out of the way and such a long way to walk I wish it was even further away so it would take even longer to get there. I stand outside the door for a moment, take a deep breath and walk into the room. I’m surprised to see Adam is already there, sitting in his chair, waiting for me.

‘Hello,’ I say with a smile that I don’t feel, closing the door.

I sling my coat onto the back of the chair and sit down.

‘So how are things going?’

‘Good.’ Apart from you blanking me in the canteen. I feel suddenly angry, I expect that sort of treatment from the Clackers, not Adam. I know he saw me.

Adam nods thoughtfully.

‘Any more compliments about your hair?’

Isn’t this a strange question to start a counselling session with? I think he’s mocking me?

‘Why did you ignore me in the canteen?’ I blurt out, surprising myself with the anger in my voice. ‘You saw me and ignored me even though I waved at you.’ There, I’ve said it now, it’s out in the open.

Adam is quiet for a moment.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says quietly. ‘I wasn’t ignoring you, it was a difficult situation.’

Oh. I’d expected him to deny seeing me or even to laugh at me. Thinking back, he was having a very intense conversation, almost an argument. I’ve seen the tutor around but I don’t have any classes with her. She teaches hair and beauty, or something like that, she’s quite young and really pretty with perfect hair and a perfect figure. With a stab of jealousy, it all makes sense; of course that’s why he ignored me, she’s probably his girlfriend and he wouldn’t want to be bothered by a client. Why am I so surprised he has a girlfriend? Did I really think someone as good looking as him wouldn’t have a girlfriend or be married?

‘I’m sorry,’ I say in what I hope is a grown-up way. ‘Forget I said anything. I’ve no right to expect your time outside of counselling.’

‘I’ll be honest with you Josie, I was trying to extricate myself from a difficult situation. We’d er… been out on a few dates but it was just a casual thing for me and I didn’t really want to see her again. I tried to let her down gently but as you could see she wasn’t very happy about it. She was demanding to know what the problem was. It was all very embarrassing.’

A bubble of happiness surges through me, so she’s not his girlfriend. A part of me is telling me that this feeling of happiness is not right, Adam is my counsellor and nothing more.

‘I was having difficulty calming her down and I thought she was going to start shouting at me,’ he goes on. ‘My counselling skills clearly weren’t working.’

He’s right; thinking back she was more animated than him and she did seem a bit angry and agitated.

‘She’s a lovely person.’ Adam brushed his hand through his hair. ‘But you can’t choose who you have feelings for, can you?’

‘No, you can’t,’ I say.

Adam looks down at his notepad but doesn’t write anything. What he says next shocks me totally.

‘I think you should find a new counsellor.’

I look at him in disbelief. ‘But why? I don’t want another counsellor.’

‘I think I’ve helped you all I can.’ He won’t look at me, won’t look up from his notebook.

‘No! I can’t see someone else, I can’t!’ I’m trying so hard not to cry, ‘Is it because I said you’d ignored me? I’m sorry! I’m sorry for being so rude and childish. Please don’t make me get another counsellor!’

Adam looks up from his notebook at me, his lips set in a grim line.

‘I’m sorry but I can’t be your counsellor anymore if you don’t trust me.’

‘Of course I trust you!’ I almost wail at him.

‘I’m sorry Josie, but you don’t.’

‘Why would you say that? I’ve told you things that I’ve never told anyone else.’

Adam stares at me but I can’t hold his gaze and I look away.

‘There, you see, you know exactly what I mean.’ He folds the cover over on his notebook with an air of finality. ‘If we don’t have trust then there is no point.’

‘I do trust you.’

‘If you trust me you have to be honest with me if I’m to help you.’

He’s right. I haven’t told him about Mum, I skirted around the subject on Tuesday but he’s not stupid, he’s knows I’m avoiding something.