Chapter 15

Josie

I thought about pretending to be ill and not going to college; stay at home and wallow in misery. But then I thought no, make an effort as Mum always used to say, face up to things, stop hiding and hoping everything will somehow magically disappear.

Yeah, face up to things, says a little voice, as if; you haven’t even got the guts to watch the clip.

Realistically, I can’t pretend to be ill forever so I might as well just get it over with. I’d studied myself in the bathroom mirror before I left home and spent ages practising my I’m not bothered expression. It was pathetic and I couldn’t even convince myself, so no one else is going to believe me.

Dad drops me off in the college car park and as I wave goodbye to him, I look around to see who’s about. I usually get the bus but Dad offered as he’s working from home and honestly, I didn’t want to get on the bus in case there was someone on there who’d seen me on Facebook. I’m just delaying it, I know. I wish I could time travel and it was next year and all this was a distant memory.

When I think things like that, I know how truly weird I am.

I spot the familiar lanky figure of Biro ahead of me sauntering through the gates and I speed up and try to catch him up and shout his name.

‘Yo, mate.’ He turns and smiles and stops and waits for me. I’m surprised he doesn’t seem annoyed with me. I was sure he’d be seething.

‘Hiya.’ My face is hot and I realise I’m going to have to spend the entire day with a beetroot complexion.

‘Did you watch that clip I sent you?’ he says with a big grin.

‘No.’

‘Look,’ I stop and grab his arm. ‘I’m really sorry about Saturday, I’m sorry I ruined your gig and my only defence is that Shana spiked my drink. I’ll get you another gig, I promise, and I won’t ruin it next time.’ I just hope Dad can sweet talk his mate at the Vic again.

Biro looks at me incredulously and then he starts to laugh, I mean really laugh, and I stand there watching him. Eventually he stops laughing and puts his arm around me and pulls me alongside him and we start walking again. I quicken my step to keep up with his lanky strides. I’m so relieved he’s still my friend although I could kill him for finding it so funny.

‘Mate,’ he says, as we walk through the college entrance, ‘You really need to watch the clip.’

✽✽✽

Just my luck, the first class of the day and the Clackers are also in it. Biro went off to his class and said he’d see me later and when I asked him if he’d forgiven me, he got all mysterious and said I needed to watch the clip. I could hit him sometimes, why can’t he just put me out of my misery and tell me what an idiot I made of myself and we can move on and forget it. I’ll force him to tell me at lunchtime, at least I only have one class to get through this morning.

I was drunk and I don’t remember a lot of things but I do remember getting up on stage and grabbing the microphone off a gobsmacked Biro. I remember demanding that the band play Wonderwall so I could sing it.

Yeah, told you it was bad. Wonderwall? Really? A song from my Dad’s generation and I can’t even sing either. This is why I don’t want to look at it, I don’t need to see how bad it was, I know . No wonder Biro couldn’t stop laughing.

The first thing I notice when I walk into class is Ellie sitting on her own; she’s at the opposite side of the room from Shana and Stacey. I look at her in surprise and she beckons me over. I walk over and I can feel Shana and Stacey’s eyes watching me.

‘Hi.’ I flop down in the chair next to Ellie.

‘Hi, are you okay?’

‘I’m okay.’

‘I was really worried about you, I messaged you but then wondered if you’d changed your number when I didn’t get a reply.’

‘Sorry I didn’t reply, was feeling a bit rough.’ I laugh nervously. I feel bad that I didn’t message her now. Am I going to spend the rest of my life feeling guilty for everything I do or don’t do? I think I am.

‘Just wanted you to know that I had nothing to do with it, nothing to do with them .’ She glares across the room at Shana and Stacey who are watching us with interest.

‘Aren’t you friends with them anymore?’

‘Friends?’ snorts Ellie. ‘They’re not friends, they’re bitches, don’t know why it’s taken me so long to see it. How is spiking someone’s drink even supposed to be funny? They can both fuck right off.’ She stares directly at them when she says it and I can see by their shocked faces that they’ve got the message.

‘Ellie...?’ I start to say but I never finish because the tutor comes in and starts handing out our marked essays from last week. I look over at Shana and Stacey expecting to see them laughing and sniggering at me but they’re not; they look subdued and can’t quite meet my eye. In spite of my misery I feel a little spark of happiness; Ellie and I are friends again.

Ellie slides a note along the desk to me and I slide it under my essay but I’ve seen what it says and the little spark goes out; do you know you’re on YouTube?

There’s no avoiding it. Man up Josie Sparkes, face the music.

When the class ends and everyone files out of the door, I stay seated and Ellie stays too. I pick up the piece of paper.

‘Biro told me. I haven’t watched it. Too embarrassed.’

‘You haven’t watched it?’ Ellie looks at me in disbelief.

‘No. Can’t bear to.’ I will not cry.

‘But, Josie.’ Ellie is already pulling her mobile out of her bag. ‘You were amazing .’

✽✽✽

I’ve watched it several times; I think amazing is an overstatement but it’s not the horror film I was expecting. I don’t look too bad considering I fell asleep in the changing room straight afterwards and I didn’t slur the words in spite of being absolutely mortal. My voice isn’t good, never has been, but it is in tune. But it’s not that, apparently, that’s amazing. It’s the attitude . The strutting, obnoxious, skinny little girl belting out Wonderwall on stage is nothing like me and I have no idea where that alter ego comes from. It must have been the alcohol that gave me that confidence – there must be a part of me that’s really like that and even though I’ve watched it over and over I still can’t believe it.

I can’t believe the girl strutting around, shouting at the crowd and practically spitting the words out is me. Where did all that anger and passion come from? And why Wonderwall? I don’t even like the song. I knew all of the words too, Dad’s constant playing of it must have seared itself onto my brain. There’s no doubt the crowd liked it as everyone is singing along and I can almost taste the atmosphere from the clip. Biro is playing the keyboard and singing along and he looks ecstatic and Danny and Mogs are giving it their all too.

‘See? Told you it was amazing. I never knew you could sing like that.’

‘Nor did I.’

It’s not just me on YouTube, someone filmed Tourists of Reality’s entire set and that is amazing; next time they play they’ll be queuing up to see them. I’m so relieved that I didn’t ruin it for them.

‘Are you going to the canteen for lunch?’ I stand up and hook my bag over my shoulder.

Ellie’s face reddens. ‘Wasn’t going to bother. If I sit on my own those two cows will just come and sit with me and start the fat jokes.’

‘Sit with us,’ I say.

‘Won’t Biro mind?’

‘Course he won’t, any friend of mine is a friend of his.’

Ellie’s face lights up. ‘Okay,’ she says, getting up and linking her arm through mine. ‘Lead on Sparky.’

I laugh and it already feels like the last couple of years are melting away; Ellie always used to call me Sparky when we were best friends.

I get the odd strange look or double take on the way to the canteen but I know now that I didn’t make a complete idiot of myself so I can live with it and I don’t hear anyone laughing so maybe I can even enjoy it a bit.

Ellie and I join Biro who’s sitting at our usual table in the corner. He doesn’t look a bit surprised to see Ellie.

‘Hi Ellie, how’s it going?’ he asks with a smile.

‘All good,’ she says. Did she just blush slightly or did I imagine it?

I sit down opposite Biro and tell him that I’ve seen the clip. He smiles a big cheesy grin from ear to ear.

‘Loads of hits on YouTube, it’s gone mental…had a phone call from the geezer at the Vic, he wants us to play again.’

‘He rang you ?’ I ask in disbelief.

‘Yep. He says he likes the idea of getting someone on stage out of the audience at the end of the set; thought it was a good idea, a bit different. He didn’t seem to know you were our manager.’ Biro looks puzzled.

I decide to confess and tell him that it was Dad who got them the gig. Biro doesn’t seem the least bit bothered and I feel better for telling him, I’m not good at lying.

‘Got to say, Josie, thought I knew you but you surprised me. You’d give Liam Gallagher a run for his money.’ Biro stares at me and shakes his head.

‘Who?’

‘Philistine. Anyway, you’ve got Ellie here to thank me for ringing your Dad. She came and told me what those two had done.’

I look at Ellie in surprise.

‘I thought it was strange how you fell asleep straight after our set.’

He stops talking and looks up as Shana and Stacey noisily make themselves known. They’re standing at the end of our table, trays in hand.

‘Mind if we join you?’ simpers Shana, fluttering her eyelashes.

‘’Yeah, we do mind, actually. We’re choosy who we sit with.’ Biro barks at them.

‘Okay, no need to be rude.’ Shana sniffs. ‘Come on Stacey, let’s go find some people to sit with who aren’t losers.’ The walk off in their flat ballet pumped, cutesy way. The three of us look at each other and burst out laughing. And it feels so good to laugh.

I watch as Shana and Stacey find an empty table by the door and sit down, sour expressions on their faces. I suddenly have a feeling of being watched, and I guess that someone has seen the YouTube clip and is connecting the dots. I look around but no one is looking at me, it’s my imagination. Get over yourself, Sparkes, you’re not that famous.

A figure passing the window catches my eye and I see Adam hurrying across the car park and seeing him reminds me. His mother. What Biro said about his mother not being dead. I need to clear this up with Biro; I open my mouth to ask him and then close it again. Biro’s deep in conversation with Ellie and I don’t want to interrupt them, their eyes are locked on each other and they seem engrossed. Could my two best friends be getting it together?

I smile to myself and pick up my drink; it’s not important, it’ll keep, I’ll ask him another day.