part0018

Today I’m looking forward to telling Adam about the gig, the drink spiking part is not good but the rest of it is. It’ll be good to have a positive conversation and not be negative all the time. The last couple of days a few people have come up to me and said how great Tourists of Reality are and some even commented on my singing. A few months ago, I’d have thought they were mocking me but now I’m starting to take people at face value. I shouldn’t assume that everyone is like Shana and Stacey. And if they are mocking me, so what? It can only hurt me if I let it.

I stretch my legs out and settle back into the chair. This office could do with a good dust and you’d think they’d chuck the out of date calendars out. I wouldn’t like to have to work in here for any length of time, it’s so far away from the main part of the college that it feels quite cut off. Adam should complain and demand a better room.

Listen to me; demand a better room. Slow down Sparkes, who do you think you are? Don’t get carried away with yourself.

A little cloud floats by and darkens my mood for a moment; I hope we don’t have to talk about Mum again today.

‘Hi!’ Adam’s arrived and he breezes in and flings the door shut and then settles himself in the chair, long legs sprawling. I gently bend my knees and pull my legs in and tuck my feet under the chair. Not enough room for both of us to have our legs stretched out. Not without touching. He’s looking a bit flushed, like he’s been running or outside in the cold. He is so handsome. I wish I were older.

‘So let’s see where we got to last time.’ Adam rifles through his notebook, frowning. I feel annoyed that he has to refresh his memory, can’t he remember? Get a grip, Sparkes, you’re just another client.

‘Ah, yes, here we are. So, do you think it helped talking about your mother in our last session?’ It was too much to hope that we wouldn’t have to talk about Mum again; my mood starts to deflate.

‘Yes, I think it did.’ This is a lie; it didn’t help, I just felt disloyal and guilty and I’d rather just forget about it and pretend Mum wasn’t having an affair.

‘Good. It’s best to get things out in the open where you can make sense of them. Us humans are very complex. To you your mother was warm, loving and totally loyal but other people would say she was also a liar and a cheat.’

‘No she wasn’t!’ I burst out. How dare he speak about her like that!

Adam puts his hand up. ‘Josie, I’m not saying that. I’m simply saying that other people may perceive her like that from her behaviour. Everyone has their own point of reference. None of us like to think of our parents as not being perfect but they’re only human and everyone makes mistakes.’

I swallow down my anger and nod. I have to stop this talking about her. Now.

‘The gig went really well.’ I try to sound upbeat and I stretch my lips into a fake smile.

‘That’s great.’

‘Even better than I imagined. Tourists of Reality were brilliant, they’ve been asked back to do another gig.’

‘Really? That’s amazing!’

‘I know! The guys are over the moon, they deserve it though, they’re so good. I think they’re going to collect quite a following.’

‘Fantastic! And you have to take some credit because they couldn’t have done it without you. It must have felt good watching them on stage.’

‘It did. Loads of people were on their feet singing along, it was the best night ever.’ Apart from the spiked drink.

‘Good.’ Adam smiles that lovely crinkly eyed smile that makes me feel so good and I think why spoil it by telling him about the drink spiking? I know I’m supposed to be honest but it’s done with now, I’m over it, no harm done as Dad says. And, it makes me look like a stupid, immature kid who doesn’t even know what she’s doing.

‘Okay?’ Adam is still smiling at me.

‘Yes,’ I nod. ‘I’m fine.’

‘Nothing else to tell me?’

‘No.’ I say hesitantly.

‘You didn’t join in with the band at all?’ He’s outright grinning now and I realise that he knows.

‘Sorry,’ he says, running a hand through his hair. ‘That’s not fair of me. I overheard some students talking about a clip on YouTube and I put two and two together and so I had a look.’

Will he know I was drunk? I think back; it’s a completely different me on YouTube but I don’t look drunk, maybe a bit demented but not drunk.

‘Oh?’ What will he think? I suddenly realise that it’s really important to me what Adam thinks.

‘I hardly recognised you, you didn’t look one bit like the frightened young girl that walked into this office a few weeks ago.’

‘No?’ I can feel myself starting to grin, it’s catching.

‘No, you looked like a gutsy, grown up version of her, a confident young woman. You were incredible.’

I feel myself starting to blush. My God. He called me incredible.

‘And you need to learn how to take a compliment because I’m sure you’re going to be getting a lot more of them in the future.’

Does he mean from him? Of course not, don’t be so dumb.

I nod my head stupidly and smile and curse myself for being so lame.

‘So. How are you getting on with your Dad now?’

‘Really well,’ I say, relieved that he’s changed the subject. ‘But we’ve always got on, we never really argue.’

‘He’s always supportive?’

I remember Biro’s comment about Adam’s Mum; he must have remarried a long time ago and I open my mouth to ask him and then close it again. If I say anything, he’ll know that I’ve been talking about him and I don’t think he’d like it if he knew I’d repeated what he told me. I’ll look like a stupid little girl who can’t keep her mouth shut.

‘That’s good. What does he think about your rendition of Wonderwall?’

I start to laugh. I showed Dad the clip last night and he was gobsmacked. Wanted to know how I knew all of the words and I said they must have soaked in to my brain somehow when he used to play his Oasis albums all of the time. He kept replaying the clip and sat watching it, shaking his head and saying, I can’t believe it . He loved it though, said he was going to send it to Auntie Bridget and Uncle Ralph.

‘He loved it, he’s an Oasis fan.’

‘He’s proud of you?’

‘Yes,’ I say after a moment as I think about it. ‘I think he is.’ It’s a nice feeling, Dad being proud of me instead of constantly worrying about me.

‘He’s right to be proud of you. I’m proud of you, too.’

I laugh, not knowing what to say.

‘I can see I’ll have to be careful in future, now that I’ve seen that little wildcat inside you on the stage.’

‘Yes, you’d better watch out.’

‘Oh, I will.’ Adam laughs.

‘Or who knows what I’ll do.’

‘Who knows what else might be hidden underneath that calm exterior?’

‘Who knows?’ I raise an eyebrow and try to affect a mysterious expression.

And then it hits me; we’re flirting.

I don’t know whether the same thought occurs to Adam because he looks down at his notebook with a smile and ruffles through it and the next minute we’re talking about coping mechanisms for my exams.

We were though; flirting. Most definitely. I hug the thought to me as we continue with the rest of the session and look forward to reliving it later. Time goes too quickly and before I know it the session’s over and it’s time to leave.

‘See you on Friday,’ I say as I gather my bag and stand up.

‘Have a good week, Josie.’

‘And no more balancing on chairs to get a better view.’

I laugh. ‘I won’t!’

I come out of the room and practically skip along the corridor, feeling light hearted and happy. Is this how most people my age feel most of the time? Is this how I should feel? I know I have a silly smile on my face but I can’t help it. I didn’t want the session to end, it was so lovely talking to Adam and having normal conversation (well, after I’d managed to shut him up about Mum) and there was definitely some flirting going on – or was I imagining it after all? I’ve never flirted before so I’m not sure. I’m probably just flattering myself but I don’t care, I really like Adam even though I know he’s far too old for me and nothing will ever come of it. It’s not a crush though, I’m not a silly teenager.

Well, I am a teenager, but I’m definitely not silly. Anyway, I’m not going to analyse it, I’m feeling happier that I’ve felt for a long time and that’s good enough for me. I turn the corner into the assembly hall and weave my way across the room through the rows of chairs facing the stage.