part0022

S o that’s it, it’s all out in the open now and Josie knows everything. Although I was against telling Josie about him, I had no choice when she caught me talking to Ralph. She’s not a kid anymore and really, she had a right to know; it wasn’t fair of me, Ralph and Bridget to keep it from her.

I suppose, thinking about it, that it must have sounded like Nessa was having an affair from what Josie overheard. Although I was a bit shocked that she could even think that about her Mum because that’s something that Nessa would never, ever, do. She simply wasn’t capable of being that devious or dishonest.

Nessa and I decided we wouldn’t tell Josie about it when it was all happening because we didn’t want to frighten and worry her. I know Josie would have been fretting every time Nessa left the house and we didn’t want to make her as paranoid as we were. And I think we were right to keep it from her then; it wouldn’t have done any good her knowing.

I’m still so angry about him, though. I’d like to get my hands on him and make him pay for the worry and upset he caused. I’ve even fantasised about finding out who he is and what I’d do to him to make him suffer, but realistically, we’ll probably never find out who he is now. It’s hardly going to be a priority for the police now, is it?

The good thing is that Josie seems so much better lately, more like her old self. It’s amazing how much the counselling has helped, I didn’t think after four weeks there’d be such a change. I encouraged her to go because I was desperate for some help for her but to be honest, I didn’t see how just talking could make much difference.

Maybe I should have some counselling; talk to someone. I’m alright – and better than I was but it never goes away; the gut-wrenching loss. Time’s supposed to be a great healer, and it is, but I almost feel guilty for wanting to get over losing Nessa. When she first died it was horrific; it was as much as I could do to drag myself out of bed every day. Although, when I woke in the morning, for those first few moments, I’d forget that she was gone and life seemed normal for a few seconds before I remembered and then it was like losing her all over again.

And the dreams; I used to dream about her every night, but I could never remember anything about them, only that she was in them. I used to think stupid things – like if I could time travel, I could go back and change things or travel to the future when it wouldn’t hurt so much. For a few days I was convinced it was all a tragic mistake and Nessa would turn up and tell me it was all a terrible mix up.

Strange, the way your mind works.

But the most important thing is that Josie’s getting back to the way she used to be before Nessa died. She’s getting her confidence back and is so much happier and I don’t want to spoil that.

Which is the reason why I didn’t tell her about the other thing that’s bothering me; he must have known Nessa had died because he’s not rung the house since. No more silent phone calls. Was he watching her when she went to London that day? Has he been watching me and Josie? Were we being watched at the funeral? Was he there at the church? There were so many people at the funeral, work colleagues of Nessa’s, faces that I couldn’t remember. He could have been there. Now Nessa’s not here he’s got no reason to watch the house but I can’t stand not knowing who he is. Is it someone who knows us – is that how he knows Nessa’s dead? Is it one of our friends?

I could drive myself mad with these thoughts and I have to make a conscious effort to stop myself, otherwise I’ll end up in the nuthouse.

Look to the future, that’s what we have to do. The past is done.

I could definitely have done without the humiliating trip to the hospital. Christ, I was mortified. I really thought I was having a heart attack and it was only indigestion! Unbelievable. I’m no wimp but there’s no way I’d have believed indigestion could hurt so much; heartburn is a good description. The thing that terrified me the most was what would happen to Josie if I died? I know that Ralph and Brenda would take her in, course they would, they love her to bits. But I don’t know if Josie could cope with losing me as well, not so soon after losing her mum.

So of course it was a massive relief when the doc said it was indigestion – and he was very nice about it. Said it was quite a common mistake and not to feel bad about it, better to be safe than sorry and all that. But I did feel a right dick.

If Nessa was here, she’d have laughed until she cried.

Except of course it wouldn’t have happened if she was still here because she wouldn’t let me eat so much and make such a pig of myself. I need to make an effort as she was fond of saying so I’d better lay off the pies and start doing a bit of exercise. For Josie’s sake as much as mine.

Ralph’s never going to let me hear the end of it either, he’ll be banging on about it for the next ten years. Although I caught the look on his face when he came and picked me and Josie up; I think he thought I was going to die.