part0023

T hings are going right, so right. Amazingly I’m even enjoying going to college. Yes! Really, I feel like a new person or maybe the old version of me before Mum died.

I still miss Mum dreadfully but I feel I can miss her now without that awful guilt hanging over me about keeping her secret which turns out not to be true at all.

I’m my own worst enemy; I get on my own nerves. I should have done what most seventeen-year-olds would have done and told someone about it and then the last year of gradually feeling worse and worse could have been avoided. I’d have passed my exams and wouldn’t have hit rock bottom and it would have been easier for Dad too. No, I have to make a complete drama out of it and imagine myself as some noble daughter guarding her mother’s memory.

See, I am weird, what other seventeen-year-old would do that?

Although it if I hadn’t been a complete weirdo, I wouldn’t have met Adam.

Which, I think, means that there’s a reason why everything happens the way it does. I feel so bad about thinking Mum was a cheat when she was being stalked and I have to forgive myself for that. Because I wasn’t in my right mind, I was grieving. Still am.

I just wish that Mum and Dad didn’t have the stalking to spoil their last few months but I can’t do anything about that so there’s no point in worrying about the things that can’t be changed, this is what Adam always tells me and he’s right.

He’s late today, or maybe I’m early. I don’t know. I’m bursting to tell him about Mum and the stalking because I don’t like him thinking badly of her. He probably hasn’t given it a second thought, but I need to put the record straight.

I keep looking at my watch and he is late; a good ten minutes. I feel a bit annoyed, that’s ten minutes of my time gone and I only get thirty minutes. We never run over the thirty minutes even if he’s late arriving, he says it just puts all the appointments back if we run over. I don’t think it’s fair that Adam has to go to lots of different rooms for different appointments. Why can’t he just see all of his clients in here? He says it’s a matter of client confidentiality, that by going to a different room for each client none of us being counselled ever see each other. We’re not all sitting in a waiting room looking at each other wondering what the others are here for, would be pretty awks if you think about it.

I suppose it makes sense; I don’t care who knows I’m having counselling now but I did when I first started coming. I didn’t want people to know and the thought of sitting in a waiting room with other people would have been horrific. Urgh.

He must have some really needy clients, although obviously he never tells me. Whenever he’s late it because someone else has overrun and I always feel a little bit jealous because our sessions always end on time.

Adam comes crashing through the doorway looking flustered and my annoyance disappears. I’m just so pleased to see him.

He bangs the door shut and sits down opposite me, out of breath.

‘Sorry,’ he says again. ‘Bit of a situation, nearly never got here at all.’

‘That’s okay.’

‘I’m really sorry.’ He looks at his watch. ‘Because it’s cut our time down quite a bit.’ He flips his note book open. ‘Or maybe the next client will have to wait.’ He gives me a lovely smile.

I feel a fizz of happiness; he’s never said that before.

‘So, you look glowing, what’s been happening?’

I feel my face redden, I can’t help it. The slightest hint of a compliment from Adam and it happens.

‘I found out that Mum wasn’t having an affair at all!’ I almost shout at him.

‘Say that again I didn’t quite catch it.’ Adam is looking at me with a confused expression on his face.

I was in such a hurry to tell him that it came out in a rush and he probably has no idea what I’m talking about so I take a deep breath and say it again, more slowly.

Adam nods his head thoughtfully. ‘And how do you know this?’ he asks seriously.

I feel disappointed; why isn’t he as thrilled as I am? But of course he’s not, why would he be? And I haven’t even told him what’s happened over the weekend.

‘When I got home from band practice on Friday night Dad was talking to my Uncle Ralph on the phone and I overheard him. I wasn’t eavesdropping or anything, I just happened to hear. Then Dad had a heart attack, but he didn’t really, so we had to take him to hospital...’

‘Whoa! You’ve lost me. Your Dad had a heart attack?’

‘No. It was indigestion,’ I say impatiently. ‘But we thought it was a heart attack so we spent the night in A&E and when we got home...’

‘Josie?’ Adam interrupts and I look at him. ‘You’re babbling. I’ve never seen you babble before but I like it. But you need to slow down a bit because I can’t keep up.’

I blush again at the slightest hint of a compliment.

I take a deep breath and start again. ‘So. Dad thought he was having a heart attack but it turned out to be indigestion from a very hot curry.’

I see the hint of a smile from Adam which he tries to hide.

‘I know.’ I laugh. ‘He’s beyond embarrassed. Anyway, we got home from the hospital and I made him tell me what he was talking about in the phone call to Uncle Ralph. I asked him if Mum was having an affair.’

Adam leans forward. ‘What did he say?’

‘He said of course she wasn’t and whatever had given me that idea?’

‘And what did you say?’

‘I said it sounded like it from what he’d said. I didn’t tell him about the birthday card.’

‘He said that Mum was being stalked.’ Saying it makes me feel sad, for Mum, for Dad. It must have been so horrible for them.

Adam is stunned. ‘Stalked?’

‘Yeah. Stalked. Some weirdo had been ringing her; he thought he was in a relationship with her. Dad said he’d been watching her and stuff. A mental case. I don’t really want to waste my breath talking about him ; the main thing is that Mum wasn’t having an affair.’

‘That must have been a shock.’

‘It was, poor Mum and Dad, they must have been so worried.’

‘You’re sure this is what really happened? You don’t think your Mum was really having an affair and your Dad didn’t want to tell you?’

I look at Adam in shock. This wasn’t the reaction I’d been expecting; I thought he’d be as delighted as me. And I know that Dad would never lie to me.

‘No. Definitely not. The police had got involved and they would have caught him if Mum hadn’t died, it was only a matter of time.’

‘Sorry Josie, I’m just playing devil’s advocate here, I just need to be sure you’ve thought this all through.’

‘Okay.’ I can’t help feeling a bit deflated though.

‘You must feel relieved.’

‘I do, massively. But I also feel really bad for thinking the worst of Mum.’

‘There’s no point....’

‘...in worrying about things you can’t change.’ I join in and we say it together.

We both laugh. ‘You know me too well,’ Adam says. His notebook slips off his knee onto the floor and we look at it on the floor then both lean down to pick it up at the same time.

I reach it first and as I straighten up to hand it to Adam, he’s looking straight at me. Our eyes lock and he slowly places his hand on top of my hand and holds it tight.

For a moment I can’t breathe; he’s so close to me I can smell his aftershave and feel his breath on my cheek. We stare into each other’s eyes and I can’t move. The air feels charged, like the moment before a thunderstorm. Adam leans towards me and our lips touch briefly before he lets go of my hand and slowly sits back.

The spell is broken and I gaze at Adam in wonder; he kissed me, he must feel the same way about me as I do about him.

He clears his throat. ‘I’m so sorry. I should never have done that.’

‘Don’t say sorry, don’t tell me that you didn’t mean it.’ My voice sounds small and shaky. I can’t bear it if he tells me it was a mistake and meant nothing to him. I hand the notebook over and continue to stare at him, willing him to say he feels the same.

‘I did mean it.’ He smiles. ‘And you wouldn’t believe how long I’ve wanted to do that, but...’

‘It’s not appropriate, I can’t be your counsellor and have a relationship with you.’

‘I’ll get another counsellor.’

Adam smiles sadly. ‘Actually, I don’t think you need one anymore, but that’s not the point. I can’t have a relationship with someone I’ve counselled. And you’re underage.’

‘I’m not! I’m seventeen.’

‘You’re under eighteen. That’s underage.’

‘We could keep it a secret,’ I say.

‘No.’ Adam shakes his head but I think maybe I could persuade him, he doesn’t look completely sure.

‘I’ll be eighteen this year, then I can do what I like.’

‘I’m a lot older than you, I’m twenty-nine.’

‘Only eleven years. That’s nothing. Lots of people have older partners.’ Did I really say partner ? Adam doesn’t laugh at me but sits staring at his notebook.

‘I’ll get the sack if anyone finds out that I kissed you; I’d probably be banned from counselling anyone ever again.’ He looks so worried.

I’d never tell anyone.

‘I won’t tell a soul,’ I say.

‘But what if it came out, chatting to Biro or Ellie, you might say something without realising and that’d be the end of me. I’d be unemployable.’

I lean forward and reach out for his hand. He has long, slim, fingers; pianist’s fingers, Mum would call them, with neat, square nails. I hold his hand in both of mine, enjoying the feeling of touching him, touching his skin.

‘You don’t have to worry. At all. I’m good at keeping secrets, remember?’

Free. That’s how I feel. Liberated, and happy. So, so happy. The rest of today passed in a blur because I couldn’t really take anything in after my counselling with Adam. I kept thinking about what had happened, our kiss, and it was just amazing. I wish it could have gone on forever. He’s so gorgeous. And he wants me! Me! Adam feels the same about me as I feel about him, I can’t believe it!

Yes, I know it’s not appropriate but like Adam says, nothing can happen while he’s still my counsellor but a few more weeks and he won’t be. Obviously, I won’t be able to tell anyone for quite a while but I can keep a secret, I kept Mum’s, or so I thought. This is different though, this is a nice secret, a lovely secret that I can hug to myself and enjoy.

I’ll have to be a bit careful because people have noticed a change in me and I don’t want to get Adam into trouble. Biro kept asking me what I was so cheerful about and I noticed him giving me that sideways appraising look that he does when he’s thinking so I’ll have to contain it a bit, try to act normal.

Dad noticed too; we were eating dinner and he said how much I’ve changed and I said well the counselling’s working Dad and he was so pleased. Said he’d maybe get Uncle Ralph some, it might stop him being such a misery.

But now I’m in bed and there’s only me and Skipper here so I can lie here and remember what happened today and it won’t matter if I’ve got a silly smile on my face or a dreamy look in my eyes.

He’s so gorgeous. And he wants me! I can’t believe it.

What a day! I can’t wait until Friday to see him again. Yes, I know we can only talk and nothing inappropriate can happen but surely a little kiss wouldn’t hurt? And a hug maybe? I’m suddenly grateful that the counselling room is so out of the way; I don’t want Adam to lose his job or his career because of me. I’d never forgive myself.

Skipper creeps up from the bottom of the bed and snuggles up next to me and gives a big sigh. I wrap my arms around him and gaze into his furry little face.