part0024

I frown and ignore him and carry on eating my sandwich. Whenever he refers to Adam now, he calls him the wonderful Adam and he doesn’t even attempt to hide his dislike. I’ve stopped talking about him but the less I talk about him the more Biro brings him into the conversation. I’ve talked to Ellie about it and she said perhaps he’s jealous of Adam. I couldn’t stop laughing when she said that.

‘Ellie,’ I said. ‘Don’t you realise that Biro fancies you ?’

She said, ‘No, of course he doesn’t.’ But I could tell she was pleased. I told her I thought they’d make a lovely couple and I was sure anytime soon Biro would be asking her out.

Biro scrunches the paper wrapper up into a ball and wipes his mouth with it and then drinks about half a bottle of coke in one swallow.

‘Did you ask him about his mum then?’

‘Did you ask the wonderful Adam why he said his mum was dead?’

‘Of course I didn’t, you’ve obviously got it wrong.’

‘No, I haven’t.’

‘You’re not always right, Biro. You can get things wrong sometimes you know.’

‘Ask him then, prove me wrong.’

‘I don’t need to ask him and anyway, it’d sound a bit odd wouldn’t it? Are you sure your mum’s dead cos my mate says she isn’t. And why would he even lie? What would be the point of that? I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of it.’

Biro shrugs. ‘Dunno. Don’t trust him is all. He’s shady.’

‘Shady? How can you say that? You don’t even know him!’

Biro noisily draws air in through his nose and narrows his eyes and looks at me.

‘Just a feeling I’ve got. Definitely shady.’

‘You’ve never actually met him.’

‘Don’t need to. Even his family don’t like him.’

I laugh, and hope it doesn’t sound as false as it feels. ‘What are you talking about?’

‘Parents chucked him out, y’know, his father and dead mother. Bit of a secret why but they defo chucked him out. He didn’t go far though, lives in the next street, next to the paper shop.’

‘And?’ I’m getting fed up with this, why is he so obsessed with Adam?

‘Probably thought it was about time he left, bit sad living at home at his age,’ Ellie chips in, and I glare at her.

‘Just saying,’ she says and looks down. ‘They probably thought it was about time he got his own place.’

‘Nope. They defo chucked him out,’ Biro says emphatically.

‘Oh, shut up Biro, you’re being ridiculous.’

‘Just looking out for a mate, that’s all.’

OMG. He’s so infuriating, there’s no reasoning with him.

‘You don’t need to look out for me, he’s my counsellor, that’s all. Anyway, I’ve only got a few more sessions and that’s me done.’

‘Yeah, give it a rest, Biro,’ Ellie says. ‘It’s not like Josie’s going to fancy him or anything, he’s old .’

He’s not that old, I want to say, he’s only twenty-nine, but obviously I don’t.

‘Yeah,’ I say, rolling my eyes. ‘As if.’

Two more nights until I see Adam. I feel like a kid counting sleeps before Christmas. I’m not exactly counting the hours but I can’t wait; it seems like forever. Every time I’m in the cafeteria I look for him but I haven’t seen him this week. I’ve seen the tutor that I thought was his girlfriend, she’s really pretty, much prettier than I remembered. I feel so proud that he’s chosen me over her and I keep thinking I should pinch myself to make sure it’s not some lovely dream that I’m going to wake up from at any minute.

Biro is getting on my nerves but I’m not going to let him spoil it for me. He’s my best friend and he always will be but I don’t need him to tell me what to do or to look out for me. He’s just being ridiculous about Adam and I don’t know what’s got into him. I’m sad in a way that Biro’s being so awkward because I know that if he didn’t have this thing about Adam, I could confide in him and he wouldn’t tell a soul. I can trust Biro with anything. I’m bursting to share how Adam and I feel about each other with someone but I know that I daren’t; Adam would lose his job and I’d never forgive myself so we’ll just have to wait until I’m eighteen. I have been talking to Skipper though, because he’s hardly going to tell anyone, is he?

I’ve felt a bit unsettled the last couple of days but I don’t know why. At first I thought it was because of all of the excitement of kissing Adam and admitting our feelings to each other, but it’s not that. I’m totally okay with how I feel about him, I wish I could shout it from the rooftops but I know I can’t. I suppose I do feel a bit deceitful about keeping it secret, especially from Dad, but there’s nothing I can do about it at the moment. Dad definitely wouldn’t understand; about the age gap let alone it being inappropriate because of the counselling. But it’s not as if we’re doing anything wrong is it? I mean, we only talk, we won’t start a relationship until the counselling has finished.

I don’t know what it is that’s bothering me but there’s definitely something. I slept really well on Tuesday night and woke feeling so happy apart from something niggling at the edge of my mind. Maybe it was a dream I’d had and then couldn’t remember, something I couldn’t grasp. Something’s telling me that it’s important but it’s floating around just out of reach and just when I think I’m about to grasp it, it flits away.

It’s very annoying because I just want to wallow in my feelings for Adam and enjoy them and then this maddening feeling keeps telling me I’ve missed or forgotten something important. I blame Biro; I wish he would just stop going on and on and spoiling everything. I don’t want to have to choose between Biro and Adam.

Adam and I decided that we wouldn’t text each other unless absolutely necessary. Obviously when my counselling has finished, we’ll have to decide how we’re going to see each other, then sort things out. When Biro told me where Adam lives, I was so pleased. I’ll be able to go and see him and no one will know, we can keep our relationship a secret. I can get Dad to drop me off at Biro’s and walk round to Adam’s, Biro won’t approve but I don’t think he’d dob me in even though he doesn’t like Adam.

I was dreaming about Mum and her birthday and our last weekend together. I touch my face and wipe away the tears that I’ve been crying in my sleep.

The dream about Mum wasn’t the reason I woke up and I wish I could go back to sleep and forget; forget what my brain has somehow remembered while I’ve been sleeping, forget what’s been eating away at the back of my mind for days.

I wish I was wrong but I know that I’m not.

I turn the bedside light on; 4:30, there’s no chance of going back to sleep now. I feel wide awake and I feel sick; sick at what I’ve remembered.

But it doesn’t make any sense at all.

I lie there and stare at the ceiling, thoughts tumbling around in my head, round and round, like clothes in a tumble dryer.

I lie like this for what seems like hours, trying to make sense of it. Skipper senses I’m awake and crawls from the end of my bed to lie on my chest. It’s uncomfortable and he feels like a lead weight but I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight.

I turn my head to look at the clock again, 5:37.

I lift Skipper off me and get out of bed, pad across the room and pick up my laptop from the desk. I get back into bed but I don’t lie down. I prop the laptop on my lap and turn it on and wait for what seems like forever for it to boot up.