part0027

My legs keep shaking and I have to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground to stop them or else Adam will notice. I feel sick too but Biro seems quite the opposite, so keyed up and excitable that I’m not sure how he’s going to contain himself when he has to hide. I think he’s enjoying himself and imagines he’s in a TV programme.

Biro turns his head from the doorway where he’s been hanging about for the last half-an-hour and puts his finger over his lips in a shushing motion.

‘He’s coming,’ he mouths.

My stomach does a lazy flip and I try to swallow but my mouth is bone dry.

Biro steps back from the doorway and pads quietly to the corner of the room and squeezes himself into the narrow gap between a tall metal cupboard and the wall. Adam won’t see him; or he won’t unless he goes looking for him. Biro holds his phone up and winks as he disappears from sight.

‘Hi! Sorry I’m late.’ Adam breezes in and shuts the door then flings himself down into the chair opposite with a big smile.

‘Hi,’ I say, my own smile feels like a tight mask stretched across my face and my lips feel as if they’re stuck to my teeth. It must be so obvious that I’m not the same as normal.

Adam looks the same - or does he? Perhaps because I’m seeing him from a different perspective, I find fault with him. Is that smile really sincere or is it fake? And why is he nearly always late? He hardly ever gets here on time. Or is that part of the grooming process – making me wait for him?

‘So…’ He puts his notebook on his lap, just as he usually does. ‘How has your week been?’ That smile again.

In an instant my nervousness vanishes and is replaced by a hatred so fierce that I don’t know how I’m going to hold it in. All I can think about is what he did to Mum, how he spoiled her last few months with me and Dad. And for what he’s tried to do to me, whatever that is – in his sick mind. Wasn’t stalking Mum enough? Was making me fall in love with him some sort of revenge? Because I did imagine I was in love with him but it was just a stupid teenage crush because how can you love someone when you barely know them? I imagined I loved him based on twice weekly meetings of thirty minutes. What a stupid, immature idiot I am. I barely know him.

And I thought I was mature! I’m embarrassed for myself.

‘Interesting,’ I finally answer him with a voice I barely recognise.

‘Really?’ He seems oblivious to my mood and my hatred for him ramps up a notch and I almost shout at him.

‘Why did you never tell me that you knew who my mother was?’

If I expected him to look shocked, I’m disappointed; the smile never falters.

‘Didn’t ask, did you?’ That smile again.

I look at him in confusion; this wasn’t the reaction I was expecting. I don’t know what to say next, this isn’t going according to the plan.

‘You don’t think you should have told me?’ I snap.

‘Look.’ He leans forward, elbows on his knees, closing the gap between us. ‘You’ve obviously made up your mind about me or you wouldn’t have broken into my house, would you?’

I sit as far back as my chair will allow. He’s too close. He knows . How can he possibly know?

‘How did I know?’ He reads my mind. ‘I have a camera in my house.’ He holds his phone up. ‘Linked to my phone. I knew you were in there as soon as I got to work, just had to wait for a chance to get away and catch you.’

He doesn’t even seem bothered that I’ve been in his house. Why would he have a camera in his house? Apart from the TV there’s only old, rickety furniture, nothing worth stealing.

‘It’s disguised as a hook in the hallway. Very clever getting your friend to push his way in when he did, otherwise I’d have caught you red-handed. I’d be interested to know how you got in.’

I look down at my hands and say nothing.

Thankfully, he sits back in his chair. ‘I’m guessing that you sneaked in when I was putting the bin out. I can’t think of any other way you’d have got in.’

I take a deep breath, I mustn’t let him distract me from what I have to say but before I can say anything he laughs.

‘Okay, don’t tell me. But I’ll admit I’m surprised. I didn’t think you had it in you.’

In spite of my anger I can feel my face growing hot, like a naughty school kid getting a telling off.

‘Josie.’ He leans forward again and looks at me with those eyes that I’d thought so kind and deep. ‘I can’t understand what you’ve done, or why. You know how I feel about you and what really puzzles me is, if you wanted to know something why didn’t you just ask?’

This isn’t how the conversation is supposed to be going; he should be justifying himself, not me.

‘You stalked my mother.’ I stare into his eyes. ‘You pestered her with your phone calls and you made her life miserable.’

He does look shocked now.

‘What are you talking about?’ The colour has drained from his face and the smile has gone.

‘I saw the birthday card you sent her. I recognised your writing. Don’t bother denying it.’

He looks puzzled for a moment and then recovers himself.

‘No, no, no.’ He shakes his head. ‘You’ve got this all wrong. I know you don’t want to hear it but we were in love, she was going to leave him and come and live with me.’

‘No, she wasn’t!’ I shout at him. ‘It was all in your mind, you’re sick. You need help.’

‘What makes you think I was stalking her? Whatever gave you that idea? I know you don’t want to think badly of your mother and you don’t want to accept it but the fact is, we were in a relationship and if she hadn’t died, she would be with me now.’ He sits back and crosses his arms. ‘I’m sorry, that’s just the way it was and you need to accept that.’

‘You’ve lied to me all this time. When I was talking about Mum you knew what you’d done. You made me talk about her even though I didn’t want to. You encouraged me to think the worst of her and I’ll never forgive myself for letting you.’

Adam shakes his head with a sad smile.

‘Josie, I haven’t lied and I think you know that. You’re just trying to convince yourself.’

‘No. You’re a liar and I’m going to the police, I’m going to tell them what I found in your house.’

For the first time he looks afraid and I think; I am right and maybe this will work, maybe the police will believe me.

‘I saw the scarf,’ I say. ‘I saw Mum’s scarf hanging in your hallway. I know you took it.’

He looks down at the floor for a moment and I can see his mouth working as if he’s trying to compose himself. He seems shaken and I wonder if he’s going to confess everything but when he looks up at me he gives a croaky laugh and shakes his head as if to tell me how unbelievable I am.

‘What does that prove Josie? It proves that your mother came to my house. Remember? You, yourself, thought she was having an affair, you were convinced of it.’

‘Only until I found out the truth.’

‘A very convenient truth wasn’t it? You must realise that your father made up the stalking story to spare your feelings.’

I can see now that this is pointless; he’s never going to admit anything. I’m so confused but I’m certain that mum would never cheat. Why did I ever, ever doubt her? I so hate myself for even thinking that she could do such a thing.

‘Just tell me why, why did you pretend to have feelings for me?’ I have to know but I hate the way it came out; I sound pathetic and needy.

He looks surprised at my question and for a moment he reminds me of the Adam that I thought I was falling in love with.

‘I didn’t pretend, Josie. I do have feelings for you. Everything I said to you was true. I would never lie to you.’

What did I think he’d say? Not that.

‘We can forget all of this, nothing needs to change between us. We can sort this out. I forgive you for breaking into my house, I know you were just confused.’ He looks at me and smiles.

‘Forgive me?’ I shout at him. ‘I may have sneaked into your house but what you’ve done is far, far worse and I’ll never forgive you.’ But there’s a part of me wants to believe him, part of me wishes I’d never remembered that card. Ignorance is bliss.

‘And you should never have been my counsellor, you must have known who I was when you saw my name. Why? Why would you do that?’

‘I know and I’m sorry, and that was wrong of me but I wanted to help. For Nessa’s sake. And when I started to have feelings for you, I did try to stop the sessions, you know I did. Although I couldn’t tell you the real reason.’

‘Josie,’ he reaches over and takes my hand in his but I snatch my hand away. ‘Don’t touch me! I’m going to the police!’

‘Please don’t.’ Is that fear I can see in his eyes?

‘BIRO!’ I shout as loudly as I can. ‘BIRO! COME OUT!’

Biro bursts out from his hiding place and Adam looks at him in shock.

‘I’ve recorded everything.’ Biro holds his phone up to Adam.

‘Recorded what?’ Adam laughs. ‘That I was having an affair with Josie’s mother?’

‘That’s bollocks and you know it and at the very least you’ll be sacked for hitting on someone you’re supposed to be counselling.’ Biro walks over to us and looms over Adam. Adam jumps up from the chair and Biro is forced to step back. Adam glares at Biro; they’re almost the same height. Biro jabs his finger towards Adam’s face. ‘You’d better start looking for a new job, mate, ‘cos you’re done here.’

Adam grabs Biro’s hand and steps closer to him.

‘Watch who you’re pointing at, mate .’

They stare are each other menacingly and I hold my breath.

Adam suddenly lets go of Biro’s hand and laughs then shrugs his shoulders and turns away from Biro and walks over to the door. As he opens the door he turns around and smiles sadly at me.