Chapter 31
Adam
S
talker.
That was what hurt the most; when Josie called me a stalker. I knew then that there was no going back. I’ve seen that look before and it never ends well. My parents gave me that look many times; they dressed it up with we only want to help
or we’re trying to understand you
but they couldn’t hide it; the disgust.
And when that lanky idiot friend of hers jumped out from behind the cupboard and started on about the police and recording me and all that bollocks, well I knew then that it really was all over.
So here I am; can’t go home because my slimy landlord is showing the police around my house – the house I pay over the top rent for because I couldn’t get a reference and apparently, I can’t do a thing about it. It was sheer luck that I was out when they arrived although I wish I’d been prepared. I wish I had more than the clothes I’m standing up in. And they’ll find my keepsakes and my photographs and make it dirty and criminal and I can never go back there now.
Didn’t I help Josie? Yes, I did. She was in a right mess when I found her and now she’s a different person, all fixed.
Because of me.
I might not be a counsellor but I helped her so what’s the difference? My intentions were good; when I saw her name, I wanted to help her, for Nessa’s sake. Although when I first met Josie it was a bit of a shock – I never considered how much she would look like Nessa.
But it’s all ruined now; Josie and I had something real
and we could have been happy together but she had to go and ruin it and now she looks at me the way everyone else does and it’s too late
.
I’m a good-looking guy and I never have any trouble getting a date but other people just see it all wrong
, they don’t understand.
Nessa was the one
. The first time I saw her she took my breath away.
So beautiful.
And that smile. She looked over at me and smiled and said goodnight
and that was it; love at first sight. We both felt it, I could see it in her eyes. I’d hated temping at Straitleys but meeting Nessa changed that. I even used to get into work early to make sure I was there when she arrived. I begged to stay when the woman I was covering for came back from maternity leave, but there wasn’t a vacancy and so I had to leave. I so missed seeing Nessa every day.
If it hadn’t been for him
things would have been so different; she felt sorry for him because he was old and past it and Nessa was so sweet and loyal. She should have been more selfish.
It was only a matter of time before we would have been together properly and then we wouldn’t have to use our secret signals to tell each other our deepest feelings. I can only imagine how happy she felt when she opened my birthday card; I was there that day, watching from across the road behind a parked van. I saw them all leave the house and go out celebrate her birthday and I knew that she was only pretending to enjoy it for their sakes.
I
should have been taking her out; I
should have been the one giving her presents. We were biding our time; waiting for the right moment for Nessa to leave him.
Nessa would still be here now if it wasn’t for him
.
When Nessa and I were properly together I would’ve looked after her and she’d have been safe
. She wouldn’t have needed to work and see other people, we’d have each other and that would be enough. More than enough.
If she’d been with me, she’d still be here and I can’t forgive him
for that; it’s his fault Nessa’s gone.
I would have kept Josie safe, too.
But not now.
It’s too late now.
So here I am; standing on Frogly-by-Sea’s run-down pier in the driving rain and I can never go home because the police will never understand.
The sky is dark grey and I’m soaking wet and as I gaze out at the grey swirling sea, I remember the look on Nessa’s face the last time I saw her.
And I wish I could forget.
I’d followed her to the station that morning, as I usually did, because I was looking after her. But that day I’d decided; enough was enough and she had to leave him
and start her new life with me and start putting us
first.
I was standing a few feet behind her, rehearsing the speech in my head that was going to make her see sense. Nessa was at the front, near the platform, doing her usual thing of pretending that she didn’t know I was there. We had this telepathic thing you know; she knew
I was there even though she hadn’t seen me and she started looking around her like she always did because she couldn’t stop herself from trying to find me.
And then the person in front of me moved slightly and she saw me and our eyes locked; her eyes widened and her mouth opened in an oh
expression. And I couldn’t help myself; I smiled at her, our special secret smile. She looked away then as if she hadn’t seen me; playing our game of pretending we were strangers. She took her scarf off for some reason, I don’t know why and then she turned back and looked at me again but she wasn’t smiling. Something had frightened her; I could see it in her eyes. She turned away and the next thing I knew she stumbled and fell forward.
I can’t think about it.
I can’t bear to.
Blue and pink swirls. Robins.
I didn’t even realise that I had it until I returned home. I have no memory of picking up her scarf or of leaving the station; no recollection of how I got home. I was in such a state of shock that I lay curled up on the floor of the lounge all day and through the night; stricken with grief and unable to move.
How did I carry on?
I have no idea; life was unbearable without Nessa but somehow, I got through the days. Meeting Josie was fate, it was meant to be.
But now she hates me, just like everyone else.
My hands are wet and cold and the wind is whipping freezing rain into my face and I can hear someone shouting.
‘Hey! Are you okay?’
I turn my head and six feet behind me there’s a woman huddled in a quilted coat clutching the lead of a bedraggled Yorkshire terrier.
I stare at her for a moment and wonder what she wants.
‘Are you okay?’ she shouts, ‘Can I help? You’re very close to the edge.’
I look down at my feet and see that I’m on the outside of the pier railings; the tips of my shoes are suspended over the swirling waves and my hands are clutching the railing behind me.
‘Climb back over the railing. Nothing’s that bad, we can talk about it, maybe I can help.’
I look at her and smile and she stares at me in surprise. If only she knew how many times I’ve heard those same words.
And I realise that there is a way to be with Nessa again; it’s so blindingly simple I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before.
I close my eyes and jump.