Outside/Inside


I won’t sign the card, I decided. I’ll let her wonder who it’s from.

No. I wanted her to know. I wanted her to look at me every day and know.

There were so many cards to choose from. Christmas, New Year, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Birthday. None of them fit. Friendship?

Yes. Well, no. Not exactly.

Thank you?

No.

Love? Yes, that was the kind of card I wanted.

(Outside) I love you

(Inside) Every day/In every way

That was true. I loved her in every way. A little heavy on the sentiment, though. Smack her in the face.

(Outside) My day begins

(Inside) With you

It did. First period. I couldn’t wait to get to school to see her first period. Sometimes I’d catch her in the hallway before class, talking to people and smiling. Always smiling. She was my happy, smiling sunshine.

There’s a song like that. Were there cards with song lyrics? I could make one.

(Outside) You are my sunshine

(Inside) My only sunshine

Dorky. What’s the rest? You make me happy, when skies are gray. She did. It could be raining or snowing outside and the sight of her would light up the halls.

She dressed cool. Not sexy or provocative. Except this one time she’d worn a scoop-neck sweater and she was sitting on the steps outside the cafeteria after lunch, and I remember she leaned back to tilt her face to the sun. I’d just come out the door with my friends to head for the quad so they could check out guys. I was standing a couple of steps above her and she inhaled a deep breath and her breasts heaved. I could see down her front, to the trim of her bra. I must’ve gasped or something because her head lolled all the way back and she said, “Hi.” To all of us, yeah. But in particular to me. I was so startled by the view I almost took a header down the steps.

That would’ve been a trip.

(Outside) You had me at

(Inside) Hi

I wondered if she’d get it; recall that day. And every other day she said hi to me.

(Outside) Imagine

(Inside) Us together

I did. All the time. I fantasized about us together. Standing under a trellis, ivy dripping down the sides. Her, in her white wedding gown with scooped neck and lace-trimmed bra, and me, in my tuxedo. Black silk, black shirt, black tie. She’d be holding a bouquet of red roses. Black and white and red. Those would be our colors. We’d vow eternal love and consummate it with a kiss. Our first kiss.

(Outside) Your lips on mine

(Inside) I shiver

Oh wow. I liked that one. It was simple, yet strong. Boldly suggestive.

As the guy at the counter rang up my sale, he said, “I got that same one for my girlfriend.”

“Yeah?” I’m getting it for mine, I didn’t say. My 2B GF.

I had a red glitter pen and a green Flair, but decided to go with black gel. Sophistication. I wanted her to think of me that way. Red, white, and black.

Your lips

On mine

I shiver

Hoo. This card made me hot. Print or write my message? Write, I decided. On a sheet of notebook paper, I practiced the lettering: L L L L L L.

Three lines of L’s.

Commit, I thought.

Love, I wrote. I wrote it again.

Love.

Love, Logan.

I closed the card and kissed the red foil heart on front. I’d leave her my lip print. My hands were clammy as I slid the card into the envelope, sealed it, and wrote her name on the front. My finest writing. It’d be hard, but I’d force myself to wait until Friday to give it to her. Last day before winter break. Give her something to think about during those two weeks. Someone to think about.

Maybe I should’ve put my phone number under my name.

Right, Logan. Don’t be too obvious.

She could look me up. Or ask me for it when we got back from break. It’d sustain me to know she was thinking about me.

She snapped to attention when I approached her desk, like she’d been lost in thought. I’d waited until after class. Until she’d begun to gather her stuff. Her face lit up. “Hi, Logan.”

“Hi.”

She smiled. Her smile extended to her eyes. From your eyes to my heart, I thought. Without even knowing her that well, I could see she had a beautiful soul. Before I lost my nerve, I pulled the card from my math book and handed it to her.

She read the front. “For me?”

Did she blush? She flipped over the envelope and stuck a fingernail under the flap.

“Youcanopenitlater,” I said in a rush.

She paused. “All right.” She smiled again. “Are you taking AP English next term?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“I’m glad.” She dropped her eyes.

The late bell rang.

“Oops, better fly.” She slipped my card into her shoulder bag.

“Yeah, me too,” I said. Fly.

She hurried toward the door. “Have a happy holiday, Logan,” she called over her shoulder.

“Yeah.” I stood in her afterglow, warm as the sun. I called to her back, “You too, Ms. Winger.”