Scar_tissu: My gf dumped me 2day. Someone. Pleeez. Tell me how 2 deal. I Iv her so much. I want 2 end it. I want 2 die. Anybody out there? HELP ME.
Black_Venus: Scar_tissu, STOP. I’m here. Don’t do anything rash. Listen to me. It’ll get better. One day at a time. I can’t know how you feel, but when my gf told me she didn’t love me anymore, I thought my life was over. I walked around like a zombie for weeks. I cried so hard my eyes swelled shut. You’re not alone. We’re here for you. You’re going to make it, OK? You’re going to heal. I promise. Give it time.
Sunshine26: I’m so sorry this happened 2 U. I’m here for U 2. We all R. Tlk 2 us.
Bikrchik: scar, u don’t no me. but maybe if u talk about wt happened, u’ll feel better. wat did she say xactly?
Scar_tissu: I can’t repeat it. I don’t want 2 remember. I want 2 die.
Black_Venus: NO. You don’t. She’s not worth it. No one is worth you dying for. Do you hear me?
Bikrchik: i been where u r
Sunshine26: Me 2
Black_Venus: Scar_tissu, we know your heart is aching. The pain and longing and loneliness are unbearable. It hurts so bad.
Scar_tissu: Yeh. My stomach feels like someone stabbed me. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I’m bleeding 2 death.
Black_Venus: You are going to get through this. I swear. I’ll stay here all night if you need me. I can tell you’re a really sensitive person and that you loved your gf deeply. That’s what makes love so good, and so bad.
Scar_tissu: I Iv’d her with all my heart. I still do. I never Iv’d anyone like that. I wantd to be with her 4ever. I asked her to marry me.
Sunshine26: Maybe that scared her. Maybe she wasn’t ready.
Scar_tissu: She said yes. She wanted the same thing. We made plans for when we turned 18 and everythng. After grad, we were going to find an apartmnt. Then I found out she was
Bikrchik: POP GG
Scar_tissu: What’s that? I’m sorry, I hvn’t been on the board b4. What’s POP? What’s GG?
Black_Venus: Parents on Patrol. Gotta Go. You found out she was what?
Scar_tissu: Cheating
Sunshine26: Oh, Scar. Oh no. I’m so sorry.
Black_Venus: Me too. You didn’t deserve that kind of treatment. Your gf betrayed your trust. She isn’t worthy of your love.
Scar_tissu: But I Iv her so much.
Bikrchik: i’m bck. sorree. evil rent
Scar_tissu: I can’t liv w/o her. I want her back.
Black_Venus: No you don’t. She’ll do it to you again.
Bikrchik: do wat?
Sunshine26: Black_Venus’s right. She isn’t worth it. U can’t trust her.
Bikrchik: wat she do xactly? wat I miss?
Sunshine26: Her gf cheated on her.
Bikrchik: fk hr. i hate grls who play
Sunshine26: You have to move on, Scar.
Scar_tissu: It isn’t that easy. There aren’t any grls here where I liv. She’s the only 1.
Black_Venus: Your love is pure. But if you got her back, would you ever be able to look at her the same way? Love her as much?
Sunshine26: Good question.
Gypsygrl: Hi grlfrnds. Wat, or who, r we chattng about?
A pop-up message blinked on my screen. Mail. I had e-mail. Should I read it? It could be from Dylan. But I was in the middle of chat. What if it was Dylan? I risked it.
Scar_tissu,
Hi. It’s me, Black_Venus. The board is getting too crowded and I wanted to talk to you alone. You need some private time. Are you there? Want to IM?
Yeh, I replied. Thanx.
Wow, Black_Venus wanted to talk to me. She was amazing. I’d been lurking on the chat board for a while, afraid to speak up. Until now I never had anything to say. So many people in pain over breakups and stuff. God, I never thought I’d be one of them. I switched to IM.
Black_Venus: What are you thinking? That’s a stupid question. You’re sad. You hurt.
Scar_tissu: Yeh. I can’t stop crying.
Black_Venus: I know. You feel lost. Scared. Everything seems hopeless.
Scar_tissu: Yeh
Black_Venus: I wish I could talk to you in person. WDUL? I’m in LA.
Should I tell her? I guess it wouldn’t hurt. She’d told me. She was a regular board member, so it must not be against the rules or anything.
Scar_tissu: Mason City
Black_Venus: Where’s that?
Scar_tissu: IA
Black_Venus: Iowa? As in corn country?
Scar_tissu: Yeh. Hicksville. Hog farms and turkey trots.
Black_Venus: *Grins* It has to be really hard to hook up with girlz in a small town. The only thing I know about IA is corn.
Scar_tissu: Right. Corn fritters, corn dogs, corn on the cob. Everyone is corn fed.
Black_Venus: LOL. I think I flew over IA once on my way to Boston.
Scar_tissu: That was me in the cornfield below screaming, “Stop! Emergency landing. Take me with U.”
Black_Venus: LMAO. I must’ve had my earbuds in. I’m glad to see you’re smiling. Feeling better?
Scar_tissu: Yeh. Thanx. It still hurts.
Black_Venus: I know. You’re going to hurt for a while. Give yourself time. Just keep telling yourself TIAD.
TIAD. What was that?
Black_Venus: Tomorrow Is Another Day.
Right. Another day without her, I thought.
Black_Venus: Can we IM later tonight too? I think you’re cool. I’d like to get to know you better.
My pulse raced. She thought I was cool. Black_Venus thought I was cool. A girl from LA? Wow.
Black_Venus: What do you listen to? What’s on your playlist?
She’d think it was stupid. I could lie. No, that was no way to start a relationship. A relationship? What was I saying? We weren’t in a relationship.
Scar_tissu: Tera Moses. Mostly. But I like all kinds of music.
Black_Venus: Tera Moses?!!! OMG. I love them. No one else I know appreciates their sound.
Yeah. No one I knew did either. Dylan couldn’t stand them. Black_Venus and I had a connection.
Black_Venus: Who else do you like?
Scar_tissu: Limping Fetus. Pink. Archimedes. EZ Girl.
Black_Venus: OMG. We’re so in sync. Do you like Melia?
Scar_tissu: Yeh. I love her! She’s awesome. Did you see her video of “Blown Away”?
Black_Venus: Sexy, huh? Plus, I know her personally. She went to my school for a year.
Scar_tissu: Melia? Wow. Is that her real name? What’s she like in person?
Black_Venus: Kind of a bitch. But… pant pant, I could get beyond her putrid personality. Her real name is Amelia Corncob. Not really. It’s Amelia Trottenturkey.
I laughed.
We IM’d more about music, movies. She was into the scene, the Hollywood scene, West Coast scene. I wasn’t sure how old she was, but older than me. We talked until Dad told me to shut it down and go to bed.
Her ID on my screen every morning was my only reason to get up. Black_Venus. I wondered what it meant. When I chose Scar_tissu, I had no idea it would predict my future. We IM’d for a week, every day. We’d chat for, like, an hour in the morning, then I’d have to tear off to school to make first period. Classes dragged. I didn’t have a cell phone and we couldn’t use the computers at school for e-mail. When the last bell rang I was out of there, racing home to hook up with Black_ Venus. She always seemed to be waiting.
Black_Venus: What’d you do today?
Scar_tissu: Slept. Zoned. What’d U do?
Black_Venus: Shopped. I’m addicted. Did you see her today?
My throat caught.
Me: No. She’s avoiding me.
Black_Venus: Gee, I can’t imagine why. How are you doing?
Me: Better.
A little. A few pangs of loneliness and despair, but I wasn’t feeling as hopeless or… used. Bruised on the inside. How could I not have known? Dylan canceling out on me. Having other plans every Friday night. Her tone of voice, weird vibes. Her distraction while we kissed. Her lack of enthusiasm. Me, finding out from friends about her other girl in Lincoln. God, that was the worst. Then giving Dylan the ultimatum: Choose. “Choose, Dylan.”
She did. Now I was more angry at myself for being stupid.
Black_Venus: I know what you’re thinking. How could you not have known? I’ll tell you how. You were in love. It’s easy to fool people when they don’t want to see.
Or hear. I never want to hear those words again: “I don’t choose you.”
Me: Thanx. I needed 2 hear that.
It wouldn’t happen to me again. Ever. Live and learn.
Black_Venus: What’s your idea of a romantic evening? And BTW, I refuse to call you Scar_tissu. Do you have another screen name? Or a real name?
I considered telling her. We’d always been honest… .
Me: Hayley
Black_Venus: Hayley. Yeah, it fits you. Sweet name.
Me: It was my mom’s favorite name. She died when I was a baby.
Long pause.
Black_Venus: I’m sorry. So much pain in your life.
Me: Like I said, I was a baby. I never knew her.
Black_Venus: Sometimes that’s a blessing. Mothers can be… you know. So, Hayley. What do you look like? The pic you posted on the board is a fairy. Did you draw that?
Me: Yeh
I loved fairies. Ever since I was little, I’d been captivated by them. No wonder — I was one. Ha ha. I wished I could fly away or disappear in fairy dust.
How to describe myself?
Me: I’m ordinary. Brwn hair. Brwn eyes.
Black_Venus: You’re not ordinary. I bet you’re beautiful.
Dad said I was pretty, but he was biased.
Black_Venus: Post a pic of yourself on the board.
No way. That’d be the end of this relationship. Anyway, I didn’t have a picture I liked. She was gorgeous. Her photo was slick, like a professional studio shot. Black and white. Airbrushed.
Black_Venus: OK, Hayley. COS: Change of Subj. Romantic evening. I’d suddenly appear outside your door in my silver XL. The cornstalks would be waving in the wind.
Me: LOL. Really.
Black_Venus: I’m wearing a black bodysuit with a vamp cape. I bow to you, kiss your hand, and take a nibble.
Wow, she was getting into this. Like a role play. I couldn’t… . Yes, I could. Why not?
Me: Mmm. How do I taste?
Black_Venus: Salty. But you’re sea salt. Natural and pure. I may have to fill a shaker for later.
Me: Not too much later. I’m ready now.
I blushed. I couldn’t believe I typed that.
Black_Venus: I draw back the cape and whip out a box of imported French chocolates. Truffles.
Me: Ah oui. How did you know I love ze chocolat?
Black_Venus: When I think of you, when I close my eyes at night and imagine you, you’re dressed in a cornflower blue silk negligee I saw at Victoria’s Secret on Saturday. I thought, Oh yeah. Iowa. Shuck it off and get in my car.
Me: LMAO. UMMH.
Someone used that on the board once: U Make Me Hot.
Black_Venus: It’s all good. What are you wearing right now?
What was I wearing? My uniform from school. Navy skirt and white blouse. That wouldn’t play in Hollywood.
Me: Nothing
Black_Venus: *Squeals*
Me: I lied. I’m wearing a wet T-shirt. With no bra.
Black_Venus: Heavy breathing. In the car (which is a convertible, BTW), we lower the seats and spread out. Oops, did I say spread? I open a bottle of champagne and pour you a flute. (I happen to keep 2 champagne flutes in the glove box at all times.)
Me: Who doesn’t?
Black_Venus: *Grins* We eye each other through the champagne bubbles. I say, “Hayley, what should we toast to?”
Me: Love
No response. I waited.
I’d said something wrong. I’d scared her off. It was too much, too soon. Love? What was I thinking? We were just kidding around. Playing a game. Making sexual innuendos. Not serious.
Me: Or lust
I wished I could take back love. Delete, delete, delete.
Still no answer.
Me: Are you there?
Black_Venus: Let me ask you something, Hayley. Are you ready for love?
Was I?
Black_Venus: Because… to tell you the truth… I know it’s really fast but… you’re the nicest person I’ve ever met and… I feel this deep connection with you and… oh, what the hell. I could fall in love with you.
My heart leapt out of my chest. Did she mean it?
Black_Venus: You wouldn’t know what hit you.
I lay in bed, curled on my side, staring at my computer. Two weeks and two days had passed since my heart had been shattered, my world blown apart. “I don’t choose you, Hay-ley.” Dylan, how cruel. Even though the words still stung, the ache had dulled. My heart was mending. It seemed longer ago, like a horrible accident that happened in the past to another person. A car crash. The only victim is bleeding profusely and rushed to the ER for immediate medical attention. She’s put on life support. The life support brings her back from the dead, practically. Her open wounds close and heal, the scars become almost indistinguishable. Scar tissue dissolves. Thanks to Black_Venus. Thanks to new love. I never thought I’d love again. I never thought I could.
I was lying in the same position when my eyes opened the next morning. My hands were pressed together under my cheek. The computer beckoned.
I got up and logged on.
Me: Black_Venus, are U there?
Black_Venus: Yes, Hayley. I’m here. I’ll always be here.
Me: What you said. About loving me? I feel the same.
There was an interlude. The stark contrast between light and dark. Sent, received.
Black_Venus: Say it. Tell me how you feel.
Me: I’m in love with you.
Black_Venus: I mean, I need to hear you say it out loud. Can I call you?
The LDR was official. Once I heard her voice, the connection between us was physical. It wasn’t anything like the long-distance relationships I’d heard or read about. I know everybody says you can’t have a relationship with a person long-distance, but what do they know? Have they tried? You can. You can determine a lot by how a person sounds on the phone, by what she says, how she says it. Her voice, her laugh. Your voices fill each other’s heads. You can tell.
Ceylon, that was her real name. Ceylon. How cool. She had this Spice Island voice. Curry and cloves. Middle Eastern maybe, or Indian. She did look exotic in her picture.
“You’re laughing more,” Ceylon said. “You have a beautiful laugh.”
I blushed. “So do you.”
“You can tell so much by a person’s laughter. The kindness of her heart. The generosity of her soul. You are a giving, loving person, Hayley.”
I never knew how to respond to flattery. I should compliment her back. Dad tapped on my door. “Kiddo, I’m turning in.”
“Okay,” I called. “Sleep tight.”
Ceylon said, “Why don’t you come to bed — with me?”
A laugh lodged in my throat.
“I’m already in bed,” she said. “Lying here naked. Take off your clothes and lie with me.”
My breath caught. “Okay. Hang on.” I waited until I heard Dad’s door click. Stripping, I slid under the sheets. I clamped the phone to my ear. “I’m here.”
“I can feel how beautiful you are, Hayley,” Ceylon said. “Inside and out.”
“Thanks. I mean, you too.” This was happening. It was.
“Are you with me?” she said.
“I am.”
We lay together, breathing, connecting. After a minute, I asked the question. “When can we meet?”
Ceylon didn’t answer.
“Did you hear me?”
“Shh.”
“When is your spring break?” I asked. “Mine’s in two weeks.”
She said, “I’d have to look.”
A tingle of excitement under my skin. What if we could really be together?
She added, “But my family always goes to Majorca that week.”
Majorca? Where was that?
“It’s off the coast of Spain.” She read my mind again.
Spain. Wow.
“Where do you go on spring break?”
I clicked my tongue. “Dubuque. It’s a lot like Spain, minus the Spaniards.”
“And the beaches, the paella, the bikini babes.” She laughed.
Bikini babes?
“Just kidding.” Ceylon laughed again. She had a heady laugh. Low and husky. “Even though you’re far away, I feel you in my heart. I sleep with you; dream with you.”
I wouldn’t mind sleeping with her — minus the sleep.
“Any possibility you can fly out here some weekend?” I asked.
She didn’t answer.
“Or I could come to you.” Yeah, right. That was going to happen. Ceylon owned that fully equipped silver XL convertible and really did shop in downtown LA. We owned a broken-down ’63 Plymouth and I shopped at Target.
“Do you mind if I ask how old you are?” I said. Not that it mattered. It didn’t matter if I liked older women. Dylan was a senior. Forget Dylan.
Ceylon said, “Seventeen.”
That’s all? She seemed…
“Let me guess,” Ceylon said. “You’re… fifteen?”
“Sixteen,” I corrected.
“Damn. I’m usually good at guessing. I hope I didn’t insult you.”
“No. Not at all.” What’d she mean “usually“?
“Carol just came in,” Ceylon said. “GG.”
“IM me later,” I blurted as she hung up. To myself, in the dark, I added in a whisper, “I love you.”
Carol was her mother. Ceylon called her mother by her first name. How cool is that?
Black_Venus: I wrote a poem for you.
Me: For me or for your beach babes?
Long pause.
Black_Venus: Don’t be like that. I haven’t given you any reason to be jealous.
My face flared. I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want her to leave for a week.
Black_Venus: Do you want to hear it?
Me: Yeh, of course. I’m sorry. I love U.
Black_Venus: Here goes:
Curious mosaic
Continental drift
Parabolic metaphor
Elemental rift
Time and transposition
Conscious intermission
Assertion?
Desertion —
Black_Venus: That’s all I have so far. You finish it.
Me: How about “Spanish Inquisition.”
Black_Venus: I don’t get it.
Neither did I. It rhymed. I didn’t understand one word of that poem.
Black_Venus: How about, Esteem her/Redeem her. Something something lift.
Me: Okay. Good.
That really cleared it up — not.
Black_Venus: Can I ask you a personal question, Hayley?
Me: Yeh
Black_Venus: Are you a virgin?
My stomach clenched. Should I tell her the truth?
Black_Venus: Sorry, didn’t mean to pry. That’s out of line.
Me: No. No. I’m just wondering how many beach babes I’d be compared with.
She signed off.
I thought I’d die of loneliness while she was in Spain. I researched Majorca on MapQuest and calculated the distance from Mason City to the coast of Spain. 81,000,000 miles, I think. That might’ve been air miles, or kilometers, or dots on the legend. I’m not too good with maps. Halfway around the world, anyway. No distance at all if she’d IM. Or call. We spoke before she left and she assured me I had NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. I should think about myself, she said. She said she probably wouldn’t have Internet access in the villa they were renting. She said I should finish the poem. I said, “Send it to me on a postcard.”
All I could think about was how she was lying on the beach in a string bikini attracting babes. Beach babes. I hated Iowa. I hated being stuck here in Corncob, America, with no money or opportunity or beach babes.
Ceylon would be back Sunday. She said Sunday, I know she did. I’d been ticking off the days on my calendar. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Starting at six thirty Sunday morning, I logged on and IM’d her.
No answer. I stowed the phone in my room in case she called. If I had to go to the bathroom, I’d string the cord as far as it would go. I’d have called her, but she never gave me her number. She wanted to, she said. She had a private number and all the free minutes she could use because her uncle was CEO of a wireless company. She didn’t say which one.
Then she’d change the subject and I’d never get her number.
By nine a.m., I hadn’t heard from her. Nine a.m. in Iowa is seven a.m. in LA. She might have been catching up on sleep.
Seven, eight, nine. I IM’d her over and over.
Then it was noon LA time, two o’clock Iowa. No response.
When I hadn’t heard from her by seven p.m., I got frantic. I IM’d: R U there? U there? Ceylon. Are. You. There?
Monday morning, a blank screen. My eyes burned from staring at the monitor all night. Dad called up to me, “Hay-ley, school. Get the lead out.”
I slogged to my door. “I feel sick today. Can I stay home?”
Dad appeared at the bottom of the stairs. He gazed up at me, studying my face. I know I looked like a corpse with my straggled hair and bloodshot eyes. Dad set his slice of toast on the TV and jogged up the stairs. He felt my forehead. I had to be terminally ill before he’d let me miss school. “Hang on.” He hustled back downstairs.
I curled on my side on the bed. Dad returned with the thermometer. “Open.” He stuck it under my tongue. We stared at each other until the thermometer beeped.
He checked it. “Sorry, kid.” Dad patted my shoulder. “Normal.”
Whatever that was.
At school I kept ducking into the media center, logging on to the computers to check my e-mail illegally, to IM her. Maybe her server was down. That happens, right? Wasn’t MSN the server? MSN worked for me.
At lunch I called home to see if she’d left a message on the machine. There was one call from George Finkel, Dad’s poker buddy, about a venue change for the game Saturday night. I hung up. My stomach plunged. What if her plane crashed? That happens. We’d never hear about it in Iowa.
There was a TV in the media center, so I switched it on. Soaps, talk shows, infomercials. It was the middle of the day. You’d think there’d be news. ABC? CNN? We didn’t have cable at school. Finally, Fox News. Same old thing: weather, war, murder.
I snuck out and raced home. If I got marked truant, so what?
No mail. No postcards from Spain. One spam alert in my e-mail box. All I could think to do was log on to the chat board.
Scar_tissu: Has anyone heard from Black_Venus?
Sunshine26: Hi, Scar. How R U? I thought U were gone for good. I hoped U were.
What did that mean? She hoped I was dead?
Bikrchik: bak so soon? wat u do? fk up again?
Sunshine26: Tht’s not funny. What happened, Scar? She said you were ready to love.
Who?
Scar_tissu: Black_Venus? Have U heard from her? Is she back from Spain?
There was a long silence. Then —
Bikrchik: th rain in spain
Sunshine26: She said U were saved. U didn’t need us anymore.
Bikrchik: add 1 to her scorecard
Sunshine26: That’s not fair. She’s here to help. U know that.
Bikrchik: our savior
Willowwind: Hi, I’m new here.
Bikrchik: hey, sup, willo?
Willowwind: My gf broke up with me
Bikrchik: epidemik
Sunshine26: Be quiet, bikr.
Saving_grace: Hi, Willowwind. Welcome to the board. What happened with your gf?
Willowwind: She said she wasn’t really “that way.” She thought she was bi, but after she tried it with me, she decided she wasn’t into girls.
Bikrchik: ow. bitch
Sunshine26: Bikr. God. U R really insensitive sometimes.
Bikrchik: shut up
Sunshine26: Grace, make her leave.
Saving_grace: Could we be more respectful, please? People are hurting. Willowwind, the same thing happened to me. I can’t know how you feel exactly, but I wanted to die when I lost my gf. Sometimes it helps to talk about it. We’re out here. We’re listening. TIAD.