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Taryn
AFTER A QUICK MORNING run—always a great way to start a Monday morning, even if I was alone this time—I’m back in my room and staring at the remains of my photo board again. I’ve collected the photos up and arranged them in a little pile on my desk. They still make me feel empty, numb, and I still don’t know who’s done this.
Sibylle is still asleep, bundled up in her bed, even though it’s half nine now. Ivelisse is in the en suite bathroom the three of us share, the sounds of the shower on. Neither of them has to get up early now they have no timetabled sessions here.
I watched them a lot last night, Sibylle and Ivelisse, trying to fathom them out, work out if they really do hate me, but I couldn’t tell. All I know is someone does.
My phone pings. Email notification. It’s from the company. Mr. Vikas’s secretary. A lady called Dora. She’s emailed me a schedule of company classes for flexibility, point, expression, and pas de deux. Mr. Vikas will give you your rehearsal timetable—which is separate to this—later, she writes in the email. You’re expected to attend all the classes in this attached schedule each week and fit in your partnered practices and endurance training in your own time.
My company classes on this schedule begin later this week. They’re mostly arranged in blocks on the same days, keeping other days completely clear—probably for Mr. Vikas’s rehearsals and sessions.
The sounds of the shower stop, and a few moments pass as I sort through my various pairs of ballet shoes, trying to decide which to select for my next session with Jaidev. Suddenly, I hear retching sounds from the bathroom. Ivelisse.
I head to the door. “You okay?” I call softly. “Ivelisse?”
I hear her gasping more, being sick, and I grimace. The first thing I think is that it’s her eating disorder—but I also remember how upset Ivelisse got last year when she had a stomach bug, and everyone had just assumed it was her eating disorder.
Ivelisse doesn’t reply, but there are more retching sounds.
I turn around. Sibylle is sitting up in bed now, looking at me.
“She all right?”
I shrug. “It doesn’t sound like it?”
Sibylle frowns and gets out of bed.
“Oh, what happened to your photos?” she asks. “I was going to ask yesterday and forgot. You took them down?”
I watch her carefully, then look toward the pile on my desk. Sibylle’s eyes widen.
“You cut them up?”
I shake my head. “Someone did, though.”
“Shit.” Her eyes are wide. “Who?”
“I don’t know.”
Her frown gets deeper. “Are you going to report it?”
I watch her even more carefully, trying to read her body language. Does she think I should? Does she want me to—or not?
“You should,” she says. “It’s vandalism.”
“What’s vandalism?” Ivelisse asks as she opens the bathroom door.
I turn to her. Her eyes are all watery and her face looks too pale, eyeliner smudged down one side of her face.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
She nods. Doesn’t say anything. No offer of an explanation. Just the nod. She’s got a towel wrapped around her and I can see how thin she is. So thin it makes me feel uncomfortable in my own body.
Ivelisse grabs some clothes from her wardrobe then locks herself back in the bathroom to change, like she always does. Then I hear her speaking Spanish.
I glance at Sibylle.
“She’ll be on the phone. Her mum usually phones around this time. But, Taryn?” Her voice is low as she moves toward me. She jerks her gaze to the closed bathroom door. “Do you think we should tell Madame about...” She gestures vaguely.
“I don’t know,” I say. It’s true that we’re asked to keep an eye on Ivelisse, but I don’t want to be telling tales on her. Being sick once doesn’t mean her ED is worsening. And I don’t want to rock our fragile friendship, as much as it is a friendship, anyway.
Even if she’s the one who tore up your photos?
But I don’t know that it was her. I can’t imagine either of my roommates doing it. It could be someone else, and I don’t want to burn any more bridges than I already have.
“We should just keep an eye on her,” I whisper. Then I grab my soft-split shoes and water bottle. “I have to go now.”
###
THE STUDIO IS EMPTY when I arrive. Jaidev’s not here yet. Part of me is relieved, because I’ve somehow made myself incredibly nervous about dancing with him again after we managed that connection in the graveyard. Last night feels like a lifetime ago, sort of like a surreal dream that might’ve never actually been reality.
I change into my practice clothes and warm up at the barre. A few minutes later, Jaidev arrives, and I tell him we won’t have long to practice together today as I’ve got a visiting appointment to see Teddy.
“Okay, but I spoke to Mr. Vikas earlier,” he tells me as he takes his hoody off. “And today’s our last general practice together before we meet the choreographer and watch the company dancers doing their tour rehearsals. Then we’ll work out the exact details of our dance for the tour.”
I nod.
It feels weird dancing with him again. Outside of the graveyard, under the harsh studio lights, there’s not that immediate sense of emotional connection between us, but we find it after a few minutes. It’s exhilarating, realizing how quickly we’ve formed this. Of course, we’re at nowhere near the level Teddy and I were, but it’s promising that Jaidev and I are at this stage already.
It makes me think that us being accepted into the company in time for the fall tour isn’t such a long shot. That it might actually be achievable.
We train for four hours, then it’s time for me to go.
“We haven’t finished the routine though,” Jaidev says. “Just a few more minutes.”
“I know. But I’ve got to get to the hospital.”
“For... for your... friend.” He seems to have trouble saying the last word.
“For Teddy. Yes.” I give him an odd look then grab my water bottle. “Maybe see you later, when I’m back.”
###
TEDDY IS MY BEST FRIEND, so I don’t know why the thought of going to visit him again actually makes me nervous—way more nervous than I was yesterday. And it’s not just nerves I’m feeling. It’s guilt. Yesterday I told him that Jaidev and I weren’t working—yet now we are. Only Teddy knew about me dancing in the graveyard before, yet he’d never danced with me here. But Jaidev has. I feel like I’m betraying my best friend, like there’s this massive divide between us now. Not just because we won’t dance together again, but also like we won’t be friends, best friends, for much longer as the rift is getting too big. And maybe Teddy knows it too—he lied about his phone being out of battery.
This morning, before I went on my run, I’d arranged to visit him in the afternoon, having phoned up to book my hour half slot with the nurses—apparently, they’re very particular on bookings and that—but it doesn’t leave me with much traveling time to get there, not now I’ve done morning practice with Jaidev.
The buses are all running late, and I’m so worried about missing my visiting slot that I end up running. At two minutes before my appointed time, I’m standing outside the general hospital. Just staring up at the building, watching people go in and out.
Move! I tell myself. I’ve not got time to dally, and I wasn’t scared to go in yesterday.
I swallow hard and summon all my courage. I take a deep breath.
I can do this.
It doesn’t take me long to reach Teddy’s ward, and I walk straight past the reception desk, nodding at the nurse stationed there, and toward Teddy’s private room. Then I see the door is open and the bed is empty, freshly made. All signs of Teddy have gone.
“He was discharged just an hour or so ago,” the receptionist calls to me.
I spin, slowly, feeling like everything is moving around me.
Discharged? And he never told me? I falter. I texted him earlier to tell him I was coming here. I sent the message via WhatsApp too. The app told me he’d seen it—though he didn’t reply. I pull out my phone and check again, in case I’ve missed a message. But I haven’t. And now he’s... gone. Left. Without telling me.
“Oh, okay.” My voice is small. “Uh, thanks.”
I leave the hospital, numb. I catch the first bus almost on autopilot and stare at the people around me, laughing, smiling. I grab my phone and call Teddy.
“Hey, Tedster,” I whisper softly into the voicemail message when he doesn’t answer. “I... I went to see you at the hospital, but they said you’ve gone... Home?” Is it home he’s gone? To his dad’s?
I take a shuddering breath. Teddy doesn’t even like his father much. Before his mum died, Teddy only really saw his dad a few times a year. For the last few holidays, he’s visited him, but he hated it.
But now he’s gone there? Gone to a whole world I don’t even know. Maybe a whole world he doesn’t know either.
I wonder if this is the end of us, of our friendship. If I’ll never see him again.
“I... I’m sorry I didn’t get to see you.” My voice cracks. “But...but stay in touch, okay?”
I walk back to the academy, close to tears. But I know all that matters is Teddy’s alive.