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Taryn
THE NEXT MORNING, JAIDEV and I arrive at the dance studio to find Evangeline, one of the company choreographers, waiting for us. She talks us through the overall choreography for Roseheart’s version of A midsummer Night’s Dream, outlining the main differences between this and the classical productions of it.
“And here’s the cast list,” she says, handing us a piece of paper.
Jaidev and I each take one edge of it, holding it between us.
My eyes widen. We’re the dancers for the divertissement pas de deux, as well as each being on stage several other times, including in the big ensemble dances of the second act.
“Oh wow,” I say. We are the divertissement dancers? That amazing choreography where we get to be fairies?
Evangeline is grinning. “It’s certainly a special dance. And very popular roles.”
“And you trust us for this?” Jaidev asks.
“Prove to me that it was the correct decision,” she says. “We don’t want your understudies being chosen instead.”
I look at the names of the divertissement understudies, but they’re unfamiliar to me. My eyes glaze over as I glance at the rest of the cast list. The character of Helena is being played by Li Hua Zhao—she was the female graduate from the diploma last year. But aside from her and Trent—the male graduate last year—I don’t really know any of the other cast. The principals aren’t in this production, but this is the third-division’s tour. The company produces three different ballets at all times. The third division is where new dancers start—and where they remain for years if they don’t get better.
“The lead roles of Oberon, Titania, and Puck are being played by those at the top of the third division,” Evangeline says. “That’s Harry Hesketh, Victoria Simmonds, and Pierre Garnier. They will be center stage in the majority of the main scenes of both acts, along with Marion Lazear who is playing Hippolyta, and those selected for the roles of Theseus, Tatiana’s cavalier, Hermia, Lysander, Helena, and Demetrius.” She points at each role on the list. “You’ll meet them all later today.”
“Today?” I stare at her. My stomach twists at the thought of meeting the company dancers properly, of having nowhere to run, even though Jaidev told me yesterday that Mr. Vikas said this was coming up. Oh God, what if any of the female dancers in this production are those dancers whom I’ve already met?
“Yes,” Evangeline says. “The whole cast for this tour will be here this afternoon for group rehearsals. Understudies too—we do a round-Robin system for understudies in all our divisions. So, Li Hua Zhao and Trent Mason are also understudies for Oberon and Titania, as well as being Helena and Demetrius, and...” She points to more names, then tells us so many more roles and names that I can’t keep up. “You’ll get a better idea of the flavor we’re going for with this telling of A Midsummer Night’s Dream after today, too. And Mr. Vikas and Miss Tavi will be here too.”
She has us work on our divertissement pas de deux, barking instructions at us. The choreography is ambitious, and it’s the first time we’ve really done a lot of lifts. Jaidev stumbles twice and I nearly miss my footing at one point as I run toward him ready to be swept up off the ground, ready to fly. I can’t imagine how amazing this would look with the fairy costumes.
“Are you nervous about meeting the others?” I whisper to him when we stop for a break. Evangeline has already stepped out to go and pick up the training and rehearsals timetables for us that she says Mr. Vikas has been working on.
We’ve got ten minutes until Mr. Vikas and the other company dancers arrive.
“It’ll be fine,” Jaidev says. “Try not to be nervous.” He cups my face in his hands, and I don't like it, the physical contact. It’s unnecessary now that we’ve stopped dancing. “I’m just going to make a phone call,” he says, starting toward the door. “Been trying to get through to my brother since yesterday, you know? And I also need to find out where my suitcase has gone.”
He leaves me alone in the studio, and I find myself thinking about Helena—I always think about her when I dance, but of course this ballet in particular was her favorite because there’s a character with her name in it. I breathe a sigh of relief that I wasn’t selected to play Helena, but still I’m thinking about her now. About what it would be like to have a sibling my own age to worry about. I mean, I have my little sisters. But I don’t really know them. Mum had the oldest four years ago, with her boyfriend Giovanni. The second one two years after. I was already living away at a ballet school then. It’s like they’re a family unit, the four of them, and I’m just extra. If Helena was still here, things would’ve been different. There’d have been two of us. We wouldn’t have both been sidelined.
Or maybe Mum never would have gone on to have the other two. If Helena hadn’t died, then maybe Mum wouldn’t have even met her new boyfriend. He’s a grief counsellor, after all.
Grief.
Suddenly, the room seems colder and the mirrors more eerie. My reflection is watching me. I don’t like it, so I get up and walk. I need something to do. I stretch at the barre and then retie my hair in a bun, just to make sure it’s perfect. I’m sweating a lot, and my stomach feels like its contents are slipping about.
No matter what I do, I feel like too many eyes are watching me. I don’t know why, when I’m completely alone now. It’s stupid. Just me in here now. It’s my head that’s the crowded space.
But then I can’t stand it. I need some fresh air. I slip outside, into the corridor. No signs of Jaidev or Evangeline, nor Mr. Vikas. Or any company dancers. But the air’s still stuffy and stale, just like in the studio. So, I follow the corridor to the left, to where there’s a little courtyard with rose bushes planted in a neat row. I head out there, gulping the fresh air in too-big chunks that make me nauseous. I let my hands dangle, my fingertips brushing the top of a rose bush. The fleshy pads of my thumbs press against sharp thorns—almost hard enough to draw blood, but I stop myself.
God, I don't even know why I’m reacting like this. This is what I wanted, to be a dancer in this company. And if Jaidev and I get accepted, I’ll be dancing in ballets with them all the time. They’ll have to be nicer to me. And they will be, once they get to know me.
And I have to give them this chance to get to know me.
I take a deep breath.
“It’ll be fine,” I say, as if I can expel all my unease through saying the words aloud. Like the words are a dog that’ll chase my fears away. Because I know exactly what I’m scared of: of being ostracized, of being laughed at, of being excluded.
Of failing.
I head back into the studio. Suddenly, I want to be in there when the dancers arrive. Not arriving afterward. My steps are shaky as I make my way into the studio—
I stop as I see what’s written on the mirror.
All the blood and warmth and everything drains from my face, my body, trying to pull me down. I feel darkness tugging at my edges as I stare at the lipstick swirls on the mirrors. The words.
I know you’re a murderer.