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Taryn
I AM RUNNING, FEET slapping linoleum and then stone and then grass, then linoleum again.
“Hey, Taryn, wait up!”
I turn, tears nearly filling my vision, and see Teddy. At least it’s not Jaidev, but I still don’t want to talk to Teddy. I just want to be on my own.
“Not now!” I call.
“But I’m... Hey, what’s the matter?”
I don’t turn back to him, just keep running. “I’ll see you later, Ted. Just not now.”
I head to my room, feeling both too hot and too cold. How dare Jaidev put that pressure on me! How dare he presume anything! I’m not attracted to him. Just because I can see he’s conventionally an attractive man, strong and muscular with a good jawline, it doesn’t mean I want to be with him. And I wouldn’t be with him just to get a role either—even if it is a position I’ve wanted forever. I’m not going to do something I’m not comfortable with, and right now, I don’t want a relationship at all. Yet, of course, relationships are what so many people do want, and I also know that most people want sex, too. My breathing quickens. I thought Jaidev and I were friends. But this whole time, has he just been after one thing, and assuming that I’d say yes because he’s attractive and because girls don’t usually say no to him?
“Hey.” A voice makes me jolt. In the haze around me, I hadn’t realized Ivelisse was outside our room. “Taryn?”
I don’t want to be crying in front of her, in front of anyone, but here I am doing just that.
“What’s happened?”
I cry more—and I don’t know why this is upsetting me so much. Why I’m flitting from anger to sadness to despair, why I’m showing so much emotion. Because I know it’s over now? I can’t dance with him.
“Taryn.” Ivelisse smooths my hair back from my face and leads me into our room. She sits me on my bed, then hovers in front of me.
I put my duffel bag down and find myself telling her in gulps and stuttered breaths, that Jaidev wants to be romantic with me—maybe even more—to improve our dance. It sounds silly saying it like this—be romantic with me—but I just can’t think of the right words, the way to express everything I’m feeling. And of course I don’t want to say I’m ace or aro. I still want to hold that close to me. It would be different, if I’d already signed a contract with the company, but I haven’t. And they could decide not to offer me a contract because I’m aroace, even if they wouldn’t say that was their reasoning. I can’t risk my orientation becoming common knowledge before I’m ready and have secured the job of my dreams. Only then can I come out as an aroace dancer—if I want to.
“So, you’re upset because he asked you out?” Ivelisse blinks slowly. The corners of her mouth twitch up a little, though I think she’s trying to keep her expression neutral.
“Yes.”
“Because it’s not genuine? Like, he only wants to be with you to make sure you get the places with the company?”
I nod. “And now it’s going to have ruined everything.”
“Why?” she asks.
“Well, I can’t dance with him now. It’s going to be too awkward.”
Ivelisse laughs. “Dancers dance with their exes all the time—you always get dancers getting together, especially at schools. And most schools don’t even have primary partners like we do. They have to dance with exes and maybe their exes’ new partners. And that might be awkward at first, but they do it because ballet is important. It’s their career. It is what they are, what they have to do. And this isn’t even that. Jaidev will get over the rejection, I’m sure.”
I gulp. “He’ll think I don’t want this as much as he does, that I’m not willing to do what he is.”
Ivelisse shakes her head. “You say that like he’d be having to endure something, too, in being with you. Taryn, honestly, this just feels like an overreaction. You’ve got this amazing chance here, and you can’t not dance with him because of this.”
I breathe deeply, looking at her, and start to calm down. Maybe I acted hastily, leaving the studio like that. I mean, Jaidev doesn’t know I’m aroace. He would’ve just assumed I felt the same way, right? Especially if he’s used to his female partners falling at his feet.
“I’m sure he didn’t mean to upset you,” Ivelisse says. “He’s really sweet, from what I’ve seen. He seems like a decent guy, unlike Peter.” Her tone darkens and she clenches her hands into tight fists.
“Peter? What’s he done now?”
“Didn’t you hear him last night in the lounge?”
I shake my head. “I wasn’t there. Had an extra practice.”
“Well, he was making rape jokes.” Anger flares in her eyes. “And even Xavier and Robert tackled him about it, and he was just all like, ha ha, it’s still funny. And it really wasn’t, you know?”
“He’s just awful. When’s he leaving?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know. I just hate him more every time he opens his mouth. Like, how can he even think that’s okay to say?”
I curl my fingers. “I—”
My phone rings, startling me. I dig it out of my bag and look at the caller ID.
Mum.
I frown. Mum only phones after big shows to see how I got on. She can’t be phoning to see how the assessment went because she didn’t know about it. She thinks I’ve got the part.
Unless she did somehow find out and knows I lied?
My mouth dries.
Or she’s just phoning me for an uncharacteristic chat, like I did with her?
“You going to answer that?” Ivelisse says.
I lick my lips and press the accept button. “Mum?” My voice cracks.
A sense of dread pulls at my stomach, like it’s trying to drag me down.
“Taryn, oh my God. We’ve... It’s your sister. There’s been an accident.”
Everything stops. The world around me drains of color and then folds in on itself until there’s nothing left.
###
HELENA’S FACE. HER eyes. My eyes. A mirror. A mirror not moving.
Peering down from the balcony, screaming her name, my throat hoarse. Screaming pain and fury and blood. Blood, down there. Pooling.
Her hair’s fanned out, a halo around her, but the blood is swallowing it, swallowing her. She’s not moving. Not moving. Not moving.
I shriek. My shriek splits time. It all fractures and everything’s happening at once and nothing is happening.
The neighbor screaming.
Helena’s last breath.
“We told you not to go onto the balconies! Now you know why, don’t you?”
“Start CPR!”
“That balcony is too dangerous! Why do you never listen?”
“Shannon! The CPR!”
“Why didn’t you stop her?”