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Taryn
I STAY FIVE NIGHTS at Mum’s, until Tessa is settled back at home, and Mum has calmed down and doesn’t keep disappearing. Giovanni had to leave on the Sunday, and Mum was in pieces after all that. Grandad said he needed me there for a bit longer, so I stayed, even though I was aching to go back. I need to get back to training. Just one day off can make a difference, let alone five. Although the Roseheart Romantic Dance Company usually only has classes or rehearsals only or weekdays, I know most professional dancers train seven days a week. You have to. Your muscles suffer if you miss one day, and we need to constantly be in shape. And now I’ve missed so many days, even though I’ve been stretching and practicing as much as I can in my room at Mum’s house, using an old pair of pointe shoes that I must’ve brought back here at some time, and going for runs.
But I need to get back. I need to get this position, even with Jaidev as my partner.
I need to make sure my lies to my mum don’t remain lies. Need to get this place on the tour with Jaidev.
“Are you sure?” Mum asks. “You have to go back now?”
I nod, but I heard the hesitation in her voice. Like she wanted me to stay so we could maybe have a massive heart to heart, so we could become closer again. But it’s always like this. That emotion is only ever in her voice when I say I’m going to go; before that, it’s just like she keeps me at a distance, doesn’t really let me in.
She wrings her hands together at the sink. When she looks at me, there’s a vacant expression in her eyes. “It must be difficult, there. Doing this without your sister.”
My mouth dries, and I think of Helena’s shoes. The missing ones. The stolen ones. But I can’t tell my mum her shoes have gone. Been stolen. They’re the only thing I have that belongs to my twin. Shortly after she died, Mum removed all her toys, her clothes, her ballet shoes. I managed to keep that pair of pointe shoes for myself, hiding them away with my shoes.
“No one there knows about Helena, though.” I try to keep my voice neutral, even though I know someone does know. The lipstick-note-writer. “That makes it easier. Because they don’t ask. I can just be me there.”
I prefer it at Roseheart. Because at this house, I’m not just me. I’m one half of the twins. I’m a constant reminder to my mum. And the house itself is a haunting presence. A number of times, I’ve thought I’ve seen Helena in the last two days. A shadow in the corner. A presence in front of the mantelpiece. A dim shape at the kitchen table.
“What are you talking about? They do know,” Mum says.
I stare at her, feel the pit of my stomach shift down. “What?”
“Your friend, Sibylle. She phoned me once and asked what had happened. Said she wasn’t sure whether to ask you directly.”
“How... How did she find out?” I take a deep breath. Grainy, horizontal lines appear in my vision. Sibylle only asked me once about Helena, after she said I’d whispered her name when I was asleep. When I’d said I didn’t know who I’d been talking about, she’d left it, not said anything more.
“She said she’d Googled it,” Mum says. “She worked out you were twins by the info given online for Helena’s age, and I think she saw a photo of Helena too. She wanted my advice of whether she should say anything to you, offer you condolences. Or whether that would make things worse.”
Sibylle knows about Helena.
She’s seen stuff online—oh God. I know what’s online. I know the story that Adelaide James, that wicked journalist, spun.
No. This can’t be happening.
But Sibylle knows, and someone is sending messages saying I know you’re a murderer. They are aimed at me, not Jaidev, these messages—just like I’d originally thought.
And they’re from the girl who’s the closest thing to a best friend that I have now.
###
LIKE I’M IN A FILM or something, the first person I see when I get back to Roseheart is Sibylle. So, she’s finally back from her stay in Berlin—or maybe she got back the day I left. She’s smiling at me, holding her arms wide like she wants a hug.
We never hug.
I stare at her.
“I got in!” she says.
“Got in?” I blink.
“Yes, Berlin State Ballet. It was amazing, and they let me train at their studios too, even when it wasn’t the day of my audition. Isn’t that just great? They’re so nice there.” She’s staring at me expectantly, like she wants me to celebrate with her. But how can I when she’s targeting me?
Still, she doesn’t know that I know, and I want to keep it that way for now. I need to work out what I’m going to do. I need time to plan.
“But how’s your sister?” she asks. “Sorry, I’m being so insensitive.”
My sister. The dead one that she shouldn’t know about.
But I clear my head, force my voice to sound light and airy. “She’s doing better, thanks.” I told her in detail via WhatsApp before, giving updates, but suddenly I feel guarded around her. She shouldn’t know about Helena, but she does, and now I want to hold both Tessa and Tammy close to me, away from her.
“Police are still about,” she says. “They talked to Jaidev a lot while you were away. They’re treating this seriously. Mr. Eldridge asked me to tell you that they want to talk to you when you’re back, too. You’re to let him know when you’re here, and he’ll contact them.”
“Oh.” I stare at her. She’s happy for the police to waste their time on this, believing someone is targeting Jaidev when really, it’s her just messing with me? “Well, I’d better go and let Mr. Eldridge know I’m back then.”
I half expect her to try and stop me, but she doesn’t. She just says she’ll meet me for dinner afterward.
I drop my bag and coat off at my room and then make my way to the administration building for the Roseheart Institution. It’s in the company’s half of the grounds. Mr. Eldridge’s office is at the top of the block, up six flights of stairs. There is a strong smell of air freshener in the corridor outside his office, reminding me of how some elderly ladies walk around in clouds of perfume. I wrinkle my nose, then knock.
No answer.
I knock again, then call out his name.
Still nothing.
But the door next time opens, making me jump. A mousy looking man peers out.
“Oh, it’s you.” Apparently, he knows me. “Mr. Eldridge is out at the moment. Can I take a message?”
“Uh, yeah, I heard he wanted to know when I’m back so he can arrange a meeting between me and the police?” My mouth dries. It sounds so formal. And I’m going to have to tell them about Sibylle, let them know they are wasting their time. Will Sibylle get charged with wasting police time then?
The man nods. “Okay.” He shuts his door.
I don’t feel like eating dinner with Sibylle or at all, so I head to the studio instead, retrieving a pair of my pointes on the way. I’ve got a practice with Jaidev in two hours, which I messaged him to say I’d be present for, but I feel out of shape, so I use this time to train. My muscles feel tight, and I know that two hours isn’t going to remedy five days of no proper ballet, but I have to try.
I’m so engrossed in combinations that I don’t notice when Jaidev arrives.
I just glance up at one point, and in the mirror, I see him leaning in the doorway, smiling a little. His eyes meet mine, still in the mirror, and he jolts.
“I’m not being creepy, watching you,” he says. “I just didn’t want to disturb you.”
“It’s fine.” I push back the stray pieces of hair that have escaped my bun and turn to face him. “Let’s start.”
He enters the studio and shuts the door behind him. His hair is damp like he’s just showered recently.
“Uh.” He falters. “Are we okay? Because I just want to make sure I’ve not ruined things between us. And I don’t want you to feel pressured or whatever. I hope I haven’t made this awkward.”
“You haven’t. We’re fine,” I say. I overreacted. Jaidev is a good guy.
“I’m just...sorry.” He looks down at the polished floor. “You’ve no idea how many times I’ve kicked myself since then.”
“Jaidev, stop. It’s fine.”
“And I won’t take it personally. I know you and Teddy are—”
“Are what?”
“Close,” he says. “And I know it’s not ideal, you dancing with me and not him.”
“We’re not together.”
I see the way hope lights up his eyes. Oh no.
I take a deep breath. “I’m... Look, I’m aroace, okay?” The words burst from me, but the power with which they leave is mismatched by the weakness of my tone. I’ve never really had to come out like this before. Teddy and I just sort of learnt it together. I’ve never told anyone in person, like this. And I know I shouldn’t feel like I have to. I don’t have to justify my lack of interest in Jaidev. Or anyone.
But I don’t want to be inadvertently leading him on.
He squints a little. “Ace... Asexual?”
I nod. “And aromantic. But don’t tell anyone. I don’t want people knowing, because it could affect whether I’m chosen for this position. And being aromantic doesn’t mean I can’t connect with you for the dance. I managed it with Teddy, and I can do it with others. In my first year here, I had to dance a pas de deux with Xavier. Madame Cachelle said she could feel the romance. So, I can do this. But that’s why I can’t get together with you. It’s nothing to do with being with someone else, okay? But I’m not faking something and going against who I am just to try and get better at dance.”
He nods. “Yeah. Okay. Uh, just so you know, I didn’t mean we’d fake anything. I was genuine about me saying that I like you. But I wasn’t just saying all of that to make you sleep with me. That’s what Hazma said it could’ve sounded like.”
“You’ve discussed this with Hazma?”
“We’re kind of friends,” he says. “And Trent, too. I mean, they’ve both honestly been quite invested in this whole thing.”
I don’t even know what to say to that. “Let’s just dance.”