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Taryn
NO ONE SEES ME AS I leave the bathroom, two hours later. I feel Helena walking with me as I go to the dorm, as I reach my room. It’s just the two of us.
I get into the shower, still dressed in my ballet clothes from the flexibility class. I turn it onto its hottest setting and stand there, forcing myself not to move as the water sears me. Helena waits...nearby. Somewhere. I’m not sure, because now it feels like my brain is turning round and round, ever so slowly like the ballerina in the music box that Helena and I had when we were little. I’m realizing what has happened. What I’m covered in.
I can hardly touch my hair. My skin. My clothes. I can’t take them off. Can’t touch them because the toilet water, the urine and the stuff I don’t even want to think about, it still feels like it’s on me. Still.
I open the cubicle door, shower still running, and reach across, spilling water all across the floor as I grab the antibacterial soap from the sink. I squirt it from the bottle onto my head, my face, uncaring when it stings my eyes. But I still can’t bring myself to touch my hair. I just can’t. But I need to lather it up.
I scream and scream and scream, like there’s something inside my soul cracking and breaking and falling and crumbling as more and more steam fills the en suite.
I wait for Helena to tell me all will be okay, but she’s silent. She’s gone now.
And I just keep standing here, crying.
###
“TARYN?” THE VOICE IS foggy through the pounding in my ears, the water. “Taryn?”
There’s a pounding on the bathroom door, but I can’t see it for the steam.
“Taryn! Are you okay? Is that you in there?”
There’s more pounding.
But then it stops.
I’m still crying. I can’t stop crying, and I don’t know how long I’ve been in here.
Then the door flies open—I see the movement. And, a second later, Sibylle’s face is up close to the shower cubicle. She pulls the door open.
I jolt, trying to cover myself until I remember I’m still fully clothed. In these clothes. My stomach twists. I rush past her and vomit into the toilet.
Exhaustion and dizziness pull at me.
I look around the room, blinking, peering. Someone turns the shower off, but it’s not Sibylle, because with a jolt, I realize she’s holding my hand. There’s someone else here.
“What’s happening?” Sibylle’s voice is low.
“Should I get a doctor?” another voice asks.
Jaidev. Jaidev’s here?
“I don’t know,” Sibylle says. “Taryn? Uh, let’s just get into the bedroom, okay? I can’t see. My glasses have steamed up.”
They lead me out. Someone wraps me in a towel and then a dressing gown. I’m still clutching the bottle of antibacterial soap. It’s empty now, the plastic slippery. I have a vague memory of squirting it, over and over, forty, fifty times, scrubbing my face again and again because that was the only thing I could manage.
Sibylle tries to lead me to my bed, but I resist. I can’t sit down there. I’m still dirty.
“What’s happened?” Li Hua’s here too.
And Nora.
I gulp. Is everyone just meeting in my room now?
“Taryn?” That’s Jaidev again.
Don’t tell anyone about this.
But I can’t not. I dissolve into tears, and I tell them about the attack.
Jaidev’s face is like thunder.
“Right, we’re telling Mr. Eldridge,” Li Hua says.
“The police should know about it, too,” Nora says.
I shake my head. “He said not to tell anyone! He’ll know I have and...”
“He’s not getting away with this,” Li Hua says.
“Nora is right. We should go straight to the police now,” Jaidev says. “We’ll go with you.”
I shake my head. “I just... I just need to get clean.” My sobs start again. “I couldn’t get clean.”
“It’s okay,” Sibylle says. “We’ll help you.”
I stare at her. How can she still be so kind to me?
But she is.
“Now?” I whisper.
She nods.
“You can use our bathroom,” Alma says. Alma. When did she get here? People just seem to be popping up out of nowhere. “It’s pretty steamy in yours. Too hard to see. Come on.”
She and Sibylle lead me away.
“We’ll wait here,” Nora says, indicating her and Jaidev and Li Hua.
I barely nod.
Alma and Sibylle take me to Alma’s bathroom. They unwrap me from my towel and dressing gown. Alma peels my clothes off and puts them in a plastic bag.
“Oh my God, your skin is red.” Sibylle’s voice is soft. She looks at Alma. “Maybe we need the nurse in here?”
I stare at myself in the mirror. My skin is red. I am red. Like I’ve been severely sunburnt. “No nurse. No more people,” I whisper.
Alma and Sibylle share a look.
“Okay, so we’ll do cool water,” Alma says.
They help me wash. Both of them. I’m too exhausted and numb to feel self-conscious, naked in front of them. Alma washes my hair twice, using her expensive strawberry-scented shampoo. Then she combs the conditioner through it.
Sibylle has towels ready when I step out, then Alma supplies me with body butter and moisturizer.
“There, all clean now. All gone.” Alma smiles. “I’ll get you some of my clothes, okay? And we can put this bag in the wash.” She points at the carrier bag with my sopping, discarded clothes.
“No. Throw them away.” I can’t bear the thought of having to wear them again. “And the shoes.” Even if they are a pair of pointe shoes that I’ve customized well. “Just...just everything.”
“Okay.”
Alma disappears and returns a moment later with an armful of fresh, dry clothes. As I put them on, I catch sight of Sibylle’s anxious face in the mirror.
Then there’s a knock on the door. We all jump.
Alma answers it, and my heart sinks when I hear Madame Cachelle’s voice. Because I know. She knows. Jaidev or Nora or Li Hua have told the staff what’s happened.
###
“HE’S GOING TO BE AFTER me even more,” I whisper.
Madame Cachelle shakes her head. Mr. Aleks, Mr. Vikas, and Mr. Eldridge are in the office too, along with several members of the board. They all look grim.
Sibylle and Alma are still with me, and I grip each of their hands tightly.
My head spins. Everything seems to have happened in the last few hours since Madame Cachelle knocked on Alma’s door. Police interviews and public announcements. Jaidev and Trent going around questioning everyone. Teachers looking at the bookings for studios earlier in the day and CCTV for the company building.
It feels like everyone has tried to speak to me. Everyone except Teddy.
But it wasn’t him. I’d have known if it was him.
“One of us will be with you at all times,” Sibylle says, her voice fierce.
“We will make sure you’re safe here,” Mr. Eldridge says. “Safety of our dancers is of paramount importance.”
“We will find this person,” Mr. Aleks says. “The police are looking at the CCTV now with Miss Tavi. We will find them. And they will be dealt with accordingly.”
That seems to be the end of the meeting. Because then we’re moving. Sibylle says we should get dinner. None of us have eaten and it’s late now.
Dinner time.
I frown. Ivelisse. Is she back? I murmur her name, looking around for her when we reach the canteen. If she’s not here, I need to tell her therapist something. But I... My head pounds. I can’t think. Can’t...
So, I just eat the jacket potato and cheese that Sibylle gets for me.
“That’s all right, isn’t it?” she asks. “No fructose in it?”
“It’s good, thanks.” I force myself to eat.
Sibylle and Alma both eat with me, picking through salads with tuna. Jaidev arrives with Trent and Hazma after a while, and they eat with us, as well. Everyone talks in hushed voices, asking for updates and if anyone’s heard anything.
At eleven, Sibylle, Alma, and I head to our dorm. Jaidev comes, too.
“I’m going to sit outside,” he says. “In the corridor.” His eyes meet mine. “Make sure you’re safe. That no one comes.”
I smile weakly. “Thanks.”
“Won’t you risk getting in trouble for that?” Alma asks.
“Not in these circumstances,” he says. “And I won’t be in the room. Just keeping watch.”
That does make me feel better.
Alma heads to her room. Freya’s waiting outside it. Her eyes are wide as she sees me—she’s heard, everyone has heard—but she doesn’t say anything. I don’t want to speak to her. I still haven’t forgiven her for outing me, but I haven’t got the energy to deal with that now.
Sibylle and I head inside our room. Ivelisse’s not here.
Someone has tidied up our en suite. There’s no steam, fresh soap by the sink, and all the water I spilled on the floor has been mopped up.
Sibylle keeps asking if I’m okay. I keep nodding. We get ready for bed. I message Jaidev to see if he’s still there.
I am. Why?
I just wanted to check, I reply. Thanks.
My phone screen lights up with another message the moment I’ve sent it.
But it’s not another from Jaidev.
It’s Ivelisse.
Taryn, I need your help. I’ve done something stupid.