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Taryn
TWO NIGHTS BEFORE THE tour officially starts, it’s my birthday. Sibylle, Nora, Li Hua, and Jaidev arranged for Roseheart to hold a party for me, and then it sort of turned into a celebration for everyone. I don’t mind though.
The party is huge. Mum is even here, and she’s smiling and telling everyone who’ll listen that I’m her daughter. I’ve never seen her look so proud. Even some of the other diploma graduates are here. As soon as the news of mine and Jaidev’s success broke, Freya and Peter left. But everyone else is here for the party. Including Ivelisse. It’s the first time any of us have seen her since that night.
“How are you?” I ask her.
She looks different, in a baggy hoody and skinny jeans. I don’t think I’ve seen her not in sportswear before. “Good. Well, doing okay. Just resting.”
She doesn’t offer anything more than that, and I don’t push her. Instead, we talk about the music that’s currently playing. Some sort of pop. She doesn’t like it.
Then Mum’s flitting back over, another glass of wine in her hand. The red liquid sloshes over the sides as she slings an arm around me. The gesture makes me jump. Ivelisse backs away, and I see Alma and Ella swoop toward her, swarm around her, like they’re protecting her.
“I’m proud of you,” she says. She doesn’t sound particularly drunk, but I’m wary.
When Mum has gotten drunk before, she blamed Helena’s death on me. And the worst part about her words then is that they have an ounce of truth in them. My sister’s death is my fault because I was the one who suggested we open all the doors to the balconies for our game of hide and seek. If I hadn’t said that, Helena would still be here.
“I know I haven’t always been the most supportive of your career as a dancer,” she says. “But I am proud. You know that, don’t you? I just find it hard, being here.”
“Because of Helena,” I say, and what I’m sure Mum means is it’s not specifically Roseheart she finds difficult going to, it’s anywhere where I am.
Mum nods. “It must be harder for you, though. When I found out I was pregnant with the two of you, I read book after book about twins. I didn’t know you were identical then, but all these child psychologists stressed the special bond twins would have—and the even more special bond that identicals have. It’s been strange, Taryn. Because I know it was years ago, but to me, in here—” She taps her temple. “It still feels like it was last week. It’s still close, it’s still raw.”
I don’t know what to say.
“But I guess it’s worse for you,” she says. “Not having the person you were closest to.”
Tears well up, and I try to blink them away. But I can’t.
“It was my fault,” I whisper to Mum. “About Helena. I...” I gulp. “I knew we weren’t supposed to go on the balconies. But we were both bored and we were playing hide and seek. And I... I suggested we used the balconies too. From all the rooms. I thought it would be fun. I didn’t realize she’d...”
Didn’t realize she’d try and climb behind the railings to hide there. Didn’t realize until I was looking for her. Until I saw her—there.
And somehow as I opened the glass door when I saw her and stepped out onto the balcony, she stumbled back in her crouching position. Her hand shot out to reach for me. And I tried. I ran forward. But my fingers never touched hers. Gravity had already taken her from me by the time I reached the railings.
“Oh, Taryn,” Mum says. “Darling, it wasn’t your fault.” She hugs me tightly.
Darling. I can’t remember the last time she called me that since Helena’s death. But before, before she always called me that. We were both her darlings. I hadn’t realized she’d even stopped saying it until now.
I choke up.
“I should’ve been keeping a closer eye on you. I was only downstairs.” She exhales a long sigh and then sips her wine. “It wasn’t your fault. But we have to keep living.” She gives my hand a squeeze, a distant look drifting into her eyes, and I know the conversation is over.
We have to keep living.
She disappears off into the swathes of people. I hope she’s not getting another drink.
“I can’t believe the tour is finally next week,” Li Hua says, apparently appearing out of nowhere. She’s wearing an emerald-green cocktail dress and her black hair is styled in ringlets. “I love your makeup, Taryn!”
I blink. I’d almost forgotten that Sibylle had done some amazing smokey eyes for me. “Thanks.”
Li Hua and I head over to the buffet table. I keep an eye on my mother. She’s chatting away to Allie now. I’ve never seen my mother so sociable. It’s weird, having her here.
Allie catches my eye and smiles. After the announcement on stage, after the performance, Jaidev and I officially signed our contracts—Mum also did an e-signature on mine for the four days when I was still a minor—and then we received our spaces in the costume room, our names on the wall. It finally feels right having the gold star from Allie now.
Just as I'm grabbing a paper plate and reaching for the carrot sticks—there’s not a lot at this buffet table that is low-fructose—I see a figure slip into the room through the side door.
It’s Teddy.
I head over to him, and he smiles. He looks paler than I remember. His eyes are a bit duller too. He’s not dressed up like we all are here, barring Ivelisse, but he looks more comfortable in his jumper and jeans than I feel in this dress. It’s too low cut. Sibylle helped me choose it a few days ago. We went out shopping, and she said I absolutely had to go for it. So, I did.
“Hey,” I say to Teddy. “You’re out of hospital.”
“Just for a few hours,” he says. “I’m... I’m having an ICD fitted tomorrow.”
“Then you’ll be out after?”
He shakes his head. “They’re setting up inpatient treatment for me.” He looks around. “Can we go somewhere quieter?”
“Sure.”
We walk out into a small courtyard at the side of Roseheart’s grounds. The lake stretches out, a couple hundred yards away, and the moonlight glistens from its rippling surface. It’s breezy out here, and I shiver a little.
“Taryn, I wanted to see you before you leave for the tour,” Teddy says. He goes very red.
“What is it? Are you okay?”
He nods. “Just nervous.”
“Nervous? Of me?” I laugh.
He laughs too, but it’s weak. “I’m sorry.” He looks at the ground for a moment before meeting my gaze. “I shouldn’t have called you a hypocrite or a liar for kissing Jaidev. I... I do get it. I know you were just doing it for the performance.”
“Even if I hadn’t been, it wouldn’t have meant I wasn’t aro,” I tell him. “Some aro people do enjoy it. It’s a spectrum, like all of this.”
He nods. “I shouldn’t have questioned your identity, I know that. I just felt... betrayed. Because I’ve realized something, Taryn, and I need to tell you. I... I want to be with you, and I don’t mind that you’re dancing with Jaidev permanently now. I just want to be with you.”
He wants to be with me? I feel like all the breaths been squeezed out of my lungs.
“Teddy, stop.”
“No, please, listen. You’re the only one who gets me. We’re both aroace, so we know we’d work well together. And we would. We’re best friends, and I know we’ve had a blip, but that’s because everything around us was changing and we had no control over it. But I’ve been thinking about it a lot. About you, about us, and I know we’d be great together. We can raise kids together too and...”
“Kids?” I stare at him. “I don’t want kids, Teddy. I’ve told you that.”
“But we’d be great parents. And a lot of people do this. A lot of aro people do this together, become a family. We can have a family.”
I hold my hands up. “Just stop.”
“But we’re meant to be together. See, we were paired as primary dancers for the diploma for a reason. Because we’re both aroace—it was fate.”
“Look, Teddy. Just because we’re both aroace, it doesn’t mean we have to be together. I mean, I’m happy as I am. You’re my best friend, yes, but I like being on my own. I like being single.”
“Okay.” His eyes take on a shifty look. “We can continue as we are. As friends.”
But I can see the hope in his eyes. The hope of how I might change my mind. And he’s put his cards on the table now.
“No, look. Teddy, I know you want a partner. You want a family, I get it. And I...”
“But you’re my family.”
“Teddy. I’m your friend, but I can’t be the family you want. Not in the way you want. Not raising children.”
“We don’t have to have children. We don’t even have to live together.” He’s speaking too quickly, his words crashing into each other.
“Teddy, that wouldn’t be fair on you. You deserve to find someone who wants the same things you do.”
“But how will I find another person who’s aroace?” His voice cracks.
“You’ll find your person. You will. And maybe they won’t be ace and aro, but you’ll find someone. You deserve to get what you want. You’ve always wanted kids, you always said that, but that’s not me. And you deserve that life.”
And I don’t think being around a dancer would be good for him. But I don’t add that last bit, can’t bring myself to say those words because I don’t want to see him any more crushed than he already is.
He nods. “I'm going back inside. It’s cold.” His voice is neutral. He’s trying hard not to show any emotion.
I watch him head inside. I did the right thing, I know that.
“I’m happy as I am,” I say, and I don’t know why I say it out loud. But I am. I’ve got my mum and I’ve got Sibylle, and I’ve got Jaidev. I’ve got the support of the company, and I’ve got friends who are company dancers: Li Hua and Nora and Netty Florence. I get to dance professionally with Jaidev. And though things are awkward with Teddy right now and probably will be for a while, our friendship might last. I’ll have to give him time first, back off a little, because I don’t want to give him false hope. But maybe we can still remain friends.
Maybe.
The door Teddy went through opens, and, for a second, I think he’s coming back out. But it’s not him. A woman with chestnut hair and a short, pale-blue satin dress steps out. She’s wearing big heels and her hair is immaculate, I can tell that even from here.
Victoria.
My mouth dries.
Her heels clip-clop as she approaches me, then she stops a few feet away.
“Taryn.”
I nod at her. “You’re... You’re back?”
“Of course I’m back. I didn’t do anything. And so, you need to watch out,” she says. “You’ve nearly ruined my career with your accusations, with jumping to conclusions. You’ve removed me from my first tour where I had a lead role, and I don’t like you now. And I should warn you that people I don’t like have a habit of getting hurt.”
I stare at her, unsure whether to laugh. “Is that a threat?”
“It’s whatever you want to interpret it as. Just remember I’m the queen around here.” She smiles brightly suddenly. The change in her expression is jarring. “But have a good tour, won’t you? Good luck. You’re going to need it.”
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END OF BOOK ONE
BOOK TWO, SWANS IN THE DARK, WILL HIT SHELVES IN SUMMER 2022.