Their son Colson was crawling and starting to stand up when the last rays of light fell dark on my eyes. I no longer could see anything at night, but I had become quite adept at navigating around the yard and on the street with Sara on our twilight walks. Sara had become my primary caregiver, and even though I still sat with Ashlundt in his office, his “chats” with me had diminished. It was depressing.
It all seemed logical. He was busy with his work and taking care of the baby. But, all the attention heaped on Colson made me more than a little jealous at first.
I sat listening to Ashlundt in his office on the phone one afternoon. His irritability had been growing throughout the day.
“I don’t care if the association conference call was postponed, Eric. Why didn’t I get an email about it?” He hit the disconnect button on his phone and picked up a three-ring binder and threw it across the room. Another human temper tantrum. I was getting so used to the thud of books hitting his floor that I just tuned it out most of the time.
I stood up, walked over to him and put my head on his knee, wagging my tail.
He rubbed my head, and I felt the tension in his hand. “Not now, Lukey.”
I wondered what was bothering him so much. He seemed full of frustration. I slunk over to the doorway, sat back on my haunches and waited.
Ashlundt’s temper seemed to calm again as he made another phone call. But after he hung up, he jumped up and pushed past me. Why did he not pay more attention to me? He wasn’t unkind; he just didn’t take the time to be with me as he had before. He’d delegated my feedings to Sara and no longer walked with us even when he had time, but rather opted to play with Colson. I loved him and missed his companionship. The sadness from his absence covered me like a cold blanket that I couldn’t shake off. Did he think his behavior would protect him from some future hurt that my blindness might cause him? Had he not learned a valuable lesson when he almost lost Sara?
He even inadvertently shut me out of the joy of Sara’s pregnancy. The day that Sara confirmed her pregnancy with her doctor, she took me quietly into the master bathroom. This was the area of our home that I considered the “crying room” because it was where we had always dealt with her fear of cancer. I dreaded she had something bad to tell me. She either cried or agonized in that bathroom. Instead, she dropped to her knees and hugged me. “Oh, Lukey, I’m so happy! I’m gonna have a baby. Just think; a little one that can be your best friend. I haven’t told Ash yet. I can’t wait to see his face.” She was so full of happiness, and I licked her face and hands trying to convey my excitement for her, for all of us.
That evening, she set the little-used dining room next to the kitchen to a celebratory atmosphere. There were candles lit on the table, a beautiful silk tablecloth - Sara said it was red. She put out the best wedding gift china along with crystal champagne flutes at each setting. That night over dinner, she poured Ashlundt a glass of Dom Pérignon and sat next to him.
“Wow, Sara. This is really nice. What’s the occasion?” He raised his glass to toast. “Hey, aren’t you going to have any champagne, my love?” His affection toward Sara was strong.
“Nope. It wouldn’t be very good for us right now.”
“Us? What do you mean?” He stared at her expectantly.
“I mean, champagne wouldn’t be good for the baby.” I could hear the excited tremble in her voice.
I tried as hard as I could to see the look on Ashlundt’s face, but he jumped up suddenly and whirled Sara around the room, all the while shouting, “A baby! We’re having a baby!”
I ran to his side and barked my happiness, but he was too busy carrying Sara through the kitchen into the adjoining den. He placed her gently on the sofa, then sat down beside her and pulled her on his lap. He was as giddy as I’d ever seen him.
”Hey, maybe it’s time we start planning on converting one of the guest rooms for the baby. Maybe it will be a boy, Sara. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we had a son? I could teach him how to surf, how to play ball.” I heard him jump up quickly, then sit down. He was almost unable to contain himself.
“A girl can do those things too, you know, Mr. Man,” Sara teased. I focused intently on them and saw her poke him in the chest and tickle him. His laughter filled the house.
I gave them some time together as he held her, kissed her and told her that he loved her and was so grateful to her for this wonderful gift. “I don’t care if it’s a boy or girl – just a baby!” he announced. Then, I slowly crawled up on the sofa toward them. Sara quickly reached out to hug me. Ashlundt gave me a quick pat on the head. It ended too quickly. Ashlundt picked Sara up and walked away with her to the kitchen. I don’t think he meant to exclude me; he was just carried away. But, I had never before felt so conflicted by joy and sheer abandonment.
*****
“We’re gonna throw Sara a baby shower,” Corky announced in our backyard. “It’ll be your first, so you might as well collect on all those baby things that you don’t have in the house. You know, blankets, a playpen, the diaper genie.”
“Oh, it sounds great!” Sara hugged herself. “I’ve been to so many of those at work, and even at school. But I never thought I’d be having one for me.”
Corky laughed. “Well, honey, it’s your time. So we gotta do it right. I’m gonna invite all the neighbors, your friends from school and work. Everyone.”
I gave out a bark of excitement. Corky must have thought I was seeking attention.
“Oh, and we can have Luke there too, of course. We’ll let him roll around in all the wrapping paper and empty boxes. He’ll love that.” I felt Corky’s plump hand on my head.
“Uh, actually Corky, that’s a bad idea.” Ashlundt chimed in.” It’ll be too crowded for him. Now that he’s almost blind, he’d probably bump into people. We wouldn’t want him to get hurt in the crowd.”
Sara threw her hands up in protest from what I could tell. “Ash, no. Luke’s part of our family. Everyone loves him. He won’t be in the way.”
Corky also tried to intercede on my behalf. “Ash, Luke is always welcome at my house, and he really doesn’t bump into anything. We even used my house as a training ground for his blindness.” She leaned toward him with one elbow on her Capri-clad knee. “He knows the terrain.”
Ashlundt was adamant. “Look, girls. I know you think it’ll be easy for Luke to thread through a bunch of people at a party, but it won’t be.” He stood up and walked around the back of Sara’ chair. “He doesn’t have to go everywhere with us. I’m sure he’ll be okay with it.” He returned to his chair across from the two women.
“Since when?” Sara leaned forward and looked him in the eye, or at least that seemed like what she was doing.
“Look, honey. Taking Luke to navigate through a room full of people is unfair to him. He could get his tail stepped on. He might step on something sharp.” He leaned back and crossed his legs. “Who knows what?”
“Ash. I don’t know a single friend of either of you who doesn’t adore Luke. He’ll be fine. Why wouldn’t he?” Corky seemed puzzled.
“But he’s going to have limitations from now on. It’s just easier not to have to worry about him stumbling around at a party.” Ashlundt threw up his hands in annoyance. “We just need to be more protective, that’s all.”
Sara stood up from her patio chair, hands on hips, “Whatever! Come on Corky, let’s take Luke for a walk. If he can manage walking trails, he sure as hell can manage a party!”
*****
I stayed home the day of the baby shower, listening to the sounds of laughter and the smell of Corky’s incredible freshly baked pumpkin bread wafting across the street. I’d never felt so left out of anything. Sara brought me a plate full of Corky’s delicious sausage balls as consolation. I knew that she loved me, that I would always be her dear friend. But after Colson was born, Ashlundt’s attention shifted even more away from me and toward his son. This was more devastating than the loss of my eyesight.
********
The morning that it happened, I woke early as usual and went into Colson’s room. I could hear him laughing as Sara readied him for the day. She placed him on a blanket on the floor where I could smell him and he could squeal and roll over on me. It was our daily habit. Even though Colson was Ashlundt’s focal point, my love for the little one never waivered.
Sara wanted us to be close friends, which we had become. Colson was beautiful with his daddy’s light hair and his mother’s dark eyes, or so everyone said. Corky told me that Colson had Sara’s smattering of freckles across the bridge of his nose. I could almost picture it in my mind. And Colson always smelled of baby powder and goodness.
I knew it wouldn’t be long now, so I memorized his face so that I could keep it with me always. I crawled as close to his nose as I could get and watched as the droplets of drool fell from his chin. He was teething, and two small bottom teeth were prominent when he smiled. It was a wide smile, and he always had one ready whenever he looked at me. I knew even then that the boy, like his mother, returned my love completely. He didn’t care if I was blind or whole. He pulled my ears, slobbered on my face and shared his toys with me. We rolled around on the blanket in our morning ritual.
We were steadfast friends. Sara always trusted me to watch him or play with him when she ran to throw a load of laundry in, or fix something in the kitchen. I was always by her side while she cared for him, and I stayed close to him whenever she had to go out and leave him with a babysitter. I felt it was my job to look after him when she was gone.
We continued to play on the blanket. He offered me one of his teething rings, but before I could take it, Ashlundt suddenly entered the room, scooped the boy up and raised him high above his head. “That’s my boy; you’re the best; yes you are!”
Colson squealed when Ashlundt buried his face in the boy’s bare stomach and made motor boat sounds. I couldn’t stop wagging my tail at the joy of it all. Ashlundt tucked the boy under his arm and strode off to fix his breakfast without even a glance in my direction. My happy barking turned into whines of rejection.
Sara bent down and gave me a warm hug. “It’s all right, Lukey. Ash still loves you. He’s just absorbed with Colson right now.”
She sat for a long time next to me. Her warmth became my sustenance while I stared out the window of the nursery and watched the morning sun slowly fade to darkness. I was glad Colson’s was the last face I ever saw.
********
I became a master over the darkness. I could navigate my way through the house with expert ease. When we left our neighborhood, I learned to carefully place my front paws ahead of me and cautiously follow Sara’s scent of flowers. Throughout her pregnancy, and even after Colson was born, Sara and I continued our therapy dog sessions at hospitals on Thursday afternoons. I became particularly popular with patients and hospital staff after I went completely blind. Everyone was amazed to see the blind dog stick to her like Velcro.
It became habit for us to take Friday afternoons off from work and go to the West Hills Park to play. Sometimes we’d alternate and go to a dog park so that Colson and I could both play with other dogs. Ashlundt always joined in – anything for Colson. The boy ran everywhere by then, and he loved nothing better than the park.
We planned to go to the West Hills Park one Friday afternoon. By that time, I had been blind for what seemed a long time. That day, Sara even packed a picnic lunch. I sat in the kitchen, and she described the picnic to me: “PBJ for Colson; turkey on whole wheat for Ash and me; chips, grapes, chocolate chip cookies and special pepperoni treats for Luke.”
Of course I knew I’d get half of Colson’s PBJ, chips and cookies. He always shared.
While they loaded the SUV, Ashlundt’s cell phone rang.
My senses now heightened, I listened to his words.
“Dr. Jaynes speaking… Stay calm and tell me the problem, Howard…. Yes, Yes, I understand. No, it’s not a problem. I can be there in 20 minutes.”
I heard him disconnect the call, then step toward Sara. “I’m so sorry. That’s one of my patients. He’s having a meltdown. Will you be okay at the park alone today?”
“Of course, silly. Go to your patient. We’ll be just fine.”
I thought about it for a minute. I was hoping that this meant that we could go to the dog park instead. The regular park was near a busy street. The dog park was completely fenced. I’d need to stay alert to make sure everyone stayed safe without Ashlundt there. This wasn’t going to be easy.
It became a fleeting thought once I was in the backseat in the SUV leaning next to Colson in his car seat. He kept feeding me his cheesy goldfish crackers. I was in heaven. The park, Sara and Colson, snacks… what could be better?
Soon, a full belly of pepperoni and half of Colson’s lunch made me sleepy in the sunshine of the late afternoon. The feel of the fleece blanket on my nose, and the warmth of Colson pressed up to me… it was pure bliss. After lunch, Colson and I had played with the jingle ball Sara kept in stock for me. I could play ball as long as it had a bell inside it so I could follow the sound. Unfortunately, the sound of the bells tied to Colson’s shoes and the ones in the ball confused me at times. But I usually found the ball, often knocking the boy down in a heap of laughter as I skirted to fetch for him. I could feel Sara’s presence making sure we didn’t get too close to the street. Now, we stretched out together, tired from our play.
The ring of Sara’s cell phone aroused me. I could hear her voice answering and then fading a bit as if she was walking away to not disturb us. I felt Colson stir next to me, then shift away. I snuggled back down to drift off when I heard the jingling of his shoe bells and jumped up to follow. He was running fast and laughing and throwing the ball again. I was frantic to catch him. I ran hard and finally overtook him to knock him down on the soft grass. He squealed with laughter and threw the ball again, this time in the same direction that he was running. Suddenly, I felt the grassy footing change to sidewalk pavement. Something wasn’t right. I began to bark hysterically. I heard Sara’s voice in the distance.
“Colson, No! Stop! Colson, Colson! Oh my God!”
Her voice was cut off by the screeching of car breaks and the little one’s shrill scream. It was the most terrifying sound I’d ever heard in my life.
I felt my way to the curb and stepped into the street, letting the smell of blood draw me to the child’s limp body. I began to lick his wounds frantically only to be pulled back by the collar and Sara’s sharp hysterical command. “Luke! Stay!”
Her screams of agony broke into sobs and a man’s voice. “Oh, my God, lady. He just darted out between the parked cars! He was so quick! I… I couldn’t get out of his way!”
Another frantic voice screamed, “Call 911!”
The voices around me faded as the shock of it all set in. Our world had changed forever, and all I could do was sit in darkness and fear and wait for the confirmation of what I knew had happened.
********
I sat outside the Emergency Room where Colson had been brought. My heart was broken. I knew that my little friend was gone forever. I smelled his death upon him as they loaded him into the ambulance.
I prayed that Ashlundt wouldn’t blame Sara or me for Colson’s accident. I hoped if he was angry that it would be directed at me. Sara had lost her only child. What she needed at that moment was consolation and sympathy from her husband. That was what he must give her.
Humans too often spent time attaching responsibility or blame to others. I had seen Ashlundt try to do that with my breeder. But what they should do is offer each other support. Forgiving someone we love should be the easiest thing in the world to do. Shouldn’t it? Ashlundt couldn’t blame us. He wouldn’t multiply the pain and suffering by holding back his forgiveness for Colson’s loss. I thought about how things would actually not be so difficult for humans if only they would remove their unwillingness to forgive, along with their selfishness and fears.
I sat for a very long time next to the door. I smelled Ashlundt’s familiar scent of bay leaf and ocean when he passed through the ER door. I waited even longer. People came up to me and petted me. One nurse offered me a bowl of water. I remained aloof, not wanting to be distracted in case Sara came for me. It was long past my evening meal when I heard them come outside to me. I heard nothing except Sara’s voice, full of despair. “Come, Luke.” She took me by the collar and led me to the car.
They rode in silence. I sat in the back, leaning on Colson’s empty car seat, wishing I could have done something, anything to have prevented this horrific accident. Once the car stopped, I heard the passenger door open, then the backseat door. Sara whispered, “Come, Luke.” I obeyed. I heard the car back out of the driveway and leave. Slowly, I followed Sara into the house.
She said nothing as she fixed my meal and left the room. I realized that the scene I hoped for at the hospital had not occurred. It seemed apparent that it had been just the opposite. After sating my hunger, I went to find Sara in her bedroom. She lay across her bed in silence, tortured and bereft. Even though I wasn’t usually allowed on the bed, she said nothing when I crawled up next to her and placed my head on her hip. I gave out a whimpered cry of sorrow.