We laid together in silence for a long, long time. I had to go outside so badly that my bladder hurt, but I didn’t dare leave Sara. She was so cold. I wanted her to feel my warmth, the warmth that Ashlundt should have offered. Soon, my stomach began to growl and added to my discomfort, but it didn’t matter. I would not leave her until he came back. It must have been morning because the phone started ringing. All those distraught voices leaving messages of sorrow on our answering machine. Tim and Corky, then Dr. Wild. I didn’t know how they knew about Colson. They just did. Still, Sara didn’t move. I crawled up to her face, pressing my nose on her cheek to see if she was asleep. Her hand softly touched the top of my head. “It’s okay, Lukey. Thank you for staying with me.” A ragged sigh escaped from her and was joined by my own.
As we lay there, my mind drifted to Colson in happier times. I fell in love with him the day they brought him home from the hospital. I was so focused on protecting the new baby that it made Ashlundt nervous. He kept hovering over his son and repeating: “Sara, please keep an eye on Luke; he seems a little obsessed.”
“Ash, take a chill pill,” Sara would laugh. “Luke would never hurt anyone, much less Colson. He’s just curious and infatuated with our beautiful son … like we are.”
She was right. Colson, even as an infant, had a charisma about him. I was drawn to him, wanted to be near him and protect him. His personality evolved into one of warmth, humor and intelligence. I knew that when he became an adult that he would be engaging, drawing others to him and ultimately being admired by men and women alike. Since his birth, Ashlundt’s mother Anya and father Asa had made frequent visits, often staying with us for a week at a time. They were a witty couple who looked like throwbacks to what Sara called “the hippie era.” Asa was tall like Ashlundt, still slender with long gray hair. His son had his identical steel blue eyes. Anya was like Mother Earth with her herbs and holistic medicine. She often went in our backyard and picked flowers to wind into her long sandy hair that she weaved into a single braid. I heard her tell Asa that Colson’s toddler face was taking on Ashlundt’s strong nose and chin. She described his eyes as “gorgeous and full of Sara’s compassion and goodness.”
Our daily routine allowed me to be with Colson all the time, except when he slept. Even then, I would lay quietly in the nursery with him, sometimes napping myself. Sara took time off before and after Colson was born. Eventually, she went back to school and back to the clinic part-time. The many months of Sara’s maternity break was a wonderful time for me. Colson and Sara became my world. I even learned how to fetch clean diapers and bottles whenever Sara needed them. When Colson grew older, I enjoyed all-the-more devouring the assorted scraps of food that he threw off his highchair tray. Cucumber slices, Cheerios, you name it.
His sudden loss left a hole in my heart that never healed. Just like humans, dogs mourn the loss of those they love. I thought of our friend Julia every day. I missed not being with her when we visited the hospital. I missed her stories and her tenderness. I missed Colson’s unconditional friendship and love. I vowed to carry Colson’s memory with me always. I tried to fill the hole in my heart with memories of both of them.
I was still curled up on the bed next to Sara when the familiar sound of jingling keys roused me. I popped my head up and listened closer. It was coming from outside of Ashlundt’s patient entrance. The sound of a key being inserted into the lock had me sitting up. Soon Ashlundt’s familiar footsteps walked toward us. His weight pushed down our side of the bed. Sara let out a lone sob.
“It’s all right, Sara. I’m here.” Ashlundt’s voice was soothing.
I decided to give them a moment of privacy. That, and the fact that I needed to pee so terribly. I leaped off the bed, headed for the doggie door in the kitchen and raced out to the backyard. After a very large drink from my water dish back in the kitchen, I felt my way back to the bedroom, plopped down on my own bed and listened.
“Sara, I don’t understand how this could have happened. I’m not thinking straight right now. I just want Colson back.” I heard his muffled agony and knew he must have his face buried in her neck like I used to observe. At least he was finally there for her.
She said nothing but her tears became great gulping sobs as she cried out. “Colson, oh, my sweet baby. I couldn’t stop … him … the street.”
I felt miserably helpless. If I could have only seen him, watched over him, I might have saved him.
********
They buried him in the Chatsworth Park Cemetery not far from our house. It was one of those rare rainy days in Southern California. The weather fit the mood of all of our heavy hearts. Tim and Corky were staunch rocks for my humans. Tim even handled all the funeral arrangements since Ashlundt and Sara were too distraught to do it. Corky said she would make sure that the flowers were beautiful, and afterwards everyone was invited back to the Bensons’ home.
Asa, Anya and Ashlundt’s siblings, Ardin and Asmara, all arrived two days before to help with anything they could. Asmara was the youngest brother and a senior at UC San Diego. Ardin, the oldest, was a cardio-vascular surgeon. The three brothers were unfortunately not particularly close. Asmara had always liked me, so we spent a lot of time hiking in the woods together. He was an environmental studies major and was more comfortable outdoors than anywhere. Ardin appeared to do a little too much big brothering for Ashlundt’s liking, always making the decisions on what and where the family would eat, or how he thought his younger brother should handle his life and his business. “Why do you insist on a home office, Ash? You should have your own clinic,” he would often urge.
Asa and Anya were typically laid back and just available to support wherever needed. But, they were all very helpful to Ashlundt and Sara, and their presence comforted the three of us.
Dr. Wild came by the house before the funeral and took me in her Jeep to the cemetery. Ashlundt didn’t object to my presence. I kept a low profile and listened to conversations among all of the same friends and family who had attended the wedding.
“Son, your mother and I are here for you,” Asa’s voice shook with the words.
“I know, Dad.” I could hear them patting each other on the back while Sara and Anya sobbed together.
“I can’t believe this is happening!” Debi, Sara’s best friend, sounded as if she was hugging both Sara and Anya.
I tried to focus on anything that would stop my heart from breaking. The smell of large varieties of flowers filled the air. Then, Suzi Wild took my collar and led me next to Sara, placing me in between the two of them for the graveside service. As Colson’s small coffin was lowered into its grave, my beloved Sara dropped to her knees and buried her head in my neck. I let out a yelp of despair. Sara’s tears mingled with the rain on my neck. I heard Ashlundt let out a huge wrenching sob and drop to the ground next to her. The hole in my heart became even wider. It was the absolute darkest moment of my life.
******
Ashlundt became driven again after losing Colson. He plunged into building up his practice. Following the advice of his brother Ardin, he took on an associate psychologist. Next, he opened a “real” office outside of the house. He spent most of his time buried in his work, leaving us alone with our sadness in our all-too-empty home. Sara turned to me for her primary companionship.
We took long meandering walks in the nearby woods. It was the same every day. All I could hear were the chirping of the birds, the crackle of the twigs under Sara’s feet and her quiet sobs.
“Oh, Luke. If only I’d not taken the phone call. If I hadn’t walked away from the blanket… he might be with us now…” We’d stop while she sat on a rotting log, crying even harder.
“It’s so hard to hold it all… together in front of others. You’re the only one… the only one who understands.” She would always wrap her arms around me and hold me close.
Her pain was heavy, as was the air that surrounded us. All I could do was lay my head in her lap and let her sob it out. I wished that the tears would carry away her pain and melt into me. I wished that all the pain could somehow be transferred into my body so that Sara would finally feel somewhat better.
One afternoon, when we weren’t in the woods, Corky knocked on our front door, and I felt my way over to it. Sara let her inside. Corky patted me on the head lovingly. “Sara, I’ve been calling and calling, leaving you messages. You need to get out. You and Ash come to dinner with Tim and me.”
“I’m not ready for that yet, Corky. But thanks.” I heard her stifle a sob.
“Sara, it’s been months. At least come to our house for dinner.” Corky’s voice was pleading now.
“Corky, please. I can’t. Not now.” Sara was adamant, so Corky quietly hugged her and, knowing it was useless, slipped out the door.
More solitude. It seemed we were destined for it. I too was still grieving, but I also wanted us to heal and somehow be a happy family again.
One weekend the two of us got up early and drove a long ways. Sara said it was six hours. We stopped at a dog-friendly beach park called Bean Hollow in Half Moon Bay. We spent the afternoon playing in the surf. The smell of the salty air and the wind on my face made me think about Julia. She was right; I could still visualize the ocean and the sky when I concentrated. Later, we shared a warm blanket and the contents of her picnic basket, a box of Saltine crackers, some sliced cheese and a couple of roast beef sandwiches. No words were necessary. Sara could see the devotion in my face. And as for me, I fully understood that this constant friendship was what she needed.
Ashlundt was tied up all weekend at his new clinic, so we stopped at a motel that allowed dogs on the way home. It was called the Puppy Pound. Nothing fancy, but the room smelled like lemons, and the bed sheets were warm to the touch, probably fresh from the dryer. Sara sat quietly, watching some Adam Sandler movie on the Pay-Per-View. She couldn’t bring herself to laugh even once. I lay on the bed next to her the whole time. In some ways, this reminded me of how I used to crawl into bed with some of the hospital patients. Only Sara’s hurt was so very different than the boy with the broken legs, or the lady with MS. What she needed was to be loved on the simplest level. She slept with her arms wrapped around me that night. I don’t think she watched even one minute of the various tear-jerker movies that kept coming on the television in the room. Yet, when I woke up, there were rumpled tissues everywhere and empty boxes of Kleenex scattered about. I stepped over them on our way out of the room.
Back at home, Sara started looking for new activities to fill her empty time. She ran out to OfficeMax one afternoon and returned with what she told me was a heavy journal. For hours, she would sit on the edge of her mattress - or on the glider chair in what had been, and always would be, Colson’s bedroom – writing in it. Sara’s pen rolled smoothly against the pages. I often wondered exactly what she was writing, though I had a pretty good sense of the overall theme. Sometimes, she would stop to take a break. She’d reach down for me, wrap her arms around my neck and weep. I never left her side in those months after Colson’s passing. We were partners in agony with no end in sight.
*****
The turnaround began on a warm Sunday morning, some ninety evening meals after the accident. Sara and I were in the backyard. I was digging holes in the dirt. Sara was planting some seeds in the garden when Corky caught us by surprise.
“Hey, Sara. Hi, Luke. What are you guys planting? Anything colorful?”
“Oh, hi, Corky.” I heard Sara rub her hands together, wiping off the soil. “Just a few morning glory packets. That and some tulip bulbs that one of Ash’s patients gave us.”
“They’ll be pretty there. I’ve just planted a full bed of Creeping Myrtle on the bank behind our patio. It’s going to be a purple haze of glory when it takes hold.”
“That sounds really pretty. How’s Tim?”
“Tim’s his same old loveable self. Misses you and Ash, though. Luke, too. So do I.” She reached down and gave me a hug and tweaked my ears.
“I know, Corky. I’m sorry.”
I heard the creak of the lawn chair as Corky sat in it and took a deep breath.
“Listen, Sara, I know we haven’t really talked much since the accident. But look, no matter what happened, you’re still here. I’m still your friend. Ash still loves you. And of course, so does Luke.”
I barked twice to verify Corky’s observation. Then I heard Corky stand and step closer to Sara and continue her motivational speech.
“Look, you need to start pulling your life together; stop blaming yourself for Colson’s death. You know it wasn’t your fault. So do I.”
Sara dropped a small shovel in the dirt and sighed softly. “But it was my fault, Corky. I took a phone call. Didn’t pay enough attention … I …” Her jittery voice tailed off.
“No! You were a great mother to that little boy. Listen, it was an accident. You’re a strong woman. For God’s sake, you beat cancer! I’ve read your book. You have so much to share with other people.” Corky stepped closer. I could almost feel her put a hand on Sara’s shoulder. “Remember how you told me that being a therapy dog and helping others would help Luke through his blindness?”
Sara sniffed quickly. “Yes, Corky, I remember.”
“Well, don’t you think that helping others will get you through this? Think about it, Sara. Why not start healing yourself by helping others? That’s the motto that’s gotten you by until now.”
Sara was quiet for a minute. I heard her sniff a few times, then it sounded as if she stood and embraced her friend.
“I know you’re right, Corky. Thanks for always being a straight shooter.”
Their hug went on for a long time. It sounded as if they were both crying. Then, they walked around to the front of the house while I sat and hoped that Sara would be inspired enough to restart her life. It was difficult for me to watch her clinging to her past when she had so much to give others. She had to forgive herself and move on. It was the only way.
After Corky left, Sara came back around and finished her plantings. I heard her patting the ground, then washing her hands with the garden hose. I sauntered over for a nice long drink from it. She wiped her hands on a towel, then cleaned my face with it. She shut the faucet, then headed to the house. “Come on, boy.” I found my way through the dog door and followed her into Colson’s room where she sat writing in her journal. I had just decided to take a nap when she blurted out, “Luke, you know something? Corky’s right. I’m gonna do something. I just don’t know what it is yet. But it’s true. We can’t just go on moping like this all the time.”
She spent the next few days sitting in Colson’s room on the glider writing in her journal. I was becoming somewhat bored with napping when she announced, “If I’m gonna help other people like Corky suggests, I need to get out in front of them.” Then she went back to writing.
We went for a walk in the woods again the following day. The air was full of spring. I sniffed from one plant to the next, peeing on as many as possible. I hoped that like spring, new beginnings would start to evolve for Sara.
To amuse myself, I started to pace my walk to match the crunch of her shoes on the pebbles and twigs. The air was warm, and I could hear a mother bird squawking in the trees at some intruder who must have been invading her nesting space. At that moment, Sara said the words that I knew would help her.
“I’m going to develop a speaking business based on my book, Luke. It just feels right.”
I barked my approval, and, this time, instead of sitting on a log and crying she yelled, “Come on, boy! Let’s get back to the house.”
She sat in her office for days on her computer. She was typing away with a renewed purpose. It reminded me of the days when she was turning her thesis into a book. I loved the sound of her fingers pressing away on the buttons.
Ashlundt strolled into her office one late afternoon and plopped down in the easy chair next to her desk. “What’re you working on so hot and heavy?”
“A marketing plan.” She offered no further response.
“A marketing plan for what?”
“A speaking tour based on my book.” The typing stopped.
“Really? Won’t that mean a lot of travel?” I heard him shifting in his chair.
“Yes, but you’re never home, so you won’t miss me.” Her voice was full of tension.
“Why would you say that, Sara?” He sounded alarmed.
“Because it’s true, Ash. You’re busy building your new business. I’m going to do the same.”
I heard her nails on the keyboard typing fast and furiously again. Ashlundt stepped quietly out of the room.
********
One morning, as we sat in her office about 30 evening meals later, she called her publisher at John Wiley and Sons in Hoboken, New Jersey, and asked for Claire Dennis.
“Claire, it’s Sara. Did you get the marketing plan for the speaking tour based on my book?” She shuffled some papers on her desk. “You did? Good. Have you looked at it? What do you think?”
I was frustrated because unlike Ashlundt, Sara never used a speaker phone. I couldn’t hear what Claire was saying on the other end.
“You do? That’s great. Yes, yes … I agree. A tour will help me get through it. Thirteen cities? You really think it might lead to more? A year? Wow.”
I could feel that Sara was on her feet now dancing around. I became excited too. I started to wag my tail in her delight.
“The morning shows? You think with the world the way it is that people will relate? Claire, this is fantastic. Yes, I know it’ll be a lot of work. You want to have a working call to hammer out the details? Tomorrow? What time? Yes, that works for me. Talk to you then! And thanks.”
She hung up the phone and exclaimed, “I’ve done it, Luke! I’m going on the speaking circuit! I’m going to start helping others again.”
She flipped on some upbeat music on the radio that she kept on her desk and continued to dance, picking up my front feet and hopping around the room. I stood on my hind legs and did my best to keep up with her. My heart soared. I hadn’t sensed her to be this happy since our little one left us.
The next morning, Sara’s phone rang early. She raced to her office to take the call. I followed close behind.
“Oh, hey Claire. Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. Wow. Details of the first trip already… Three days in Chicago? When? That soon. Wow, I’d better put on my roller skates; get ready.”
I could hear her typing on her computer furiously.
“The following week in New York? Five days?”
She finished responding to all the details, then began to run frantically around the house. I could hear her going through her closet in her bedroom pulling out clothes and evaluating her wardrobe.
“Hmmm, no this won’t do. This one’s so outdated. Good Lord, Luke! I’m going to need to go shopping. I haven’t kept my clothes up-to-date enough to be out in front of people.”
By that night, she had an entire checklist she was running through – shopping, packing, perfecting her speeches, grocery shopping for Ashlundt and me, making a hair appointment, getting her nails done. She discussed it with me numerous times.
That evening, she ordered Chinese from a local takeout and waited for Ashlundt to come home. He was late as usual, and she’d already eaten her half of the vegetable rolls and shrimp with spicy Chinese greens. I got a few scraps in my bowl as well. I loved spicy food.
“Sorry I’m late, Sara. What’s that? Looks good.” He plopped down on a kitchen chair and started scraping food out of the takeout boxes onto a paper plate. I started to drool at the thought of it.
“Ash, I’ve done it. I’m going out on a speaking tour.”
He was silent for a moment, then said, “Congratulations.” His tone was unenthusiastic.
“Well, I guess you don’t need to get too excited about it.”
“Why would I be excited, Sara? You’ll be gone a lot, won’t you?” Now he was sarcastic, even as he chewed his meal.
The air was filled with tension.
“What does that matter? You’re never home. When you are, you’re working or sleeping. It’s not like we have much of a life these days.”
“Hey, that’s not fair. I’m building a business. I’ve been trying to do the best I can under the circumstances.”
“Yes, it is fair. You haven’t touched me, showed any affection since…” her voice trailed off.
I heard Ashlundt spoon some more food in his mouth. “I’ve just been tired, Sara. That’s all. It’s not about you. It’s about…” He grew quiet and took a swallow of water from his glass.
“Ash, it’s more than that. You blame me. Don’t you? You are taking it out on me because of the accident.”
I heard him shove the plate away from him and scoot back his chair as if to rise from it. “I’m not going to get into this right now. I’m exhausted. Been a hard day.”
She quickly changed the subject. “Don’t go. I need to talk to you about Luke.”
“What about Luke?” Ashlundt sat upright and pulled his chair a little closer to the table.
“It’s important that you really take care of Luke while I’m gone. He’s very self-sufficient around the house and the yard. But I assume you’ll feed him his meals?”
“Of course, I will! Why would you think I’d let him go hungry?” Ashlundt reached down and touched me on the head.
“Well, you’ve all but ignored him since he got his PRA diagnosis. What’s with that?”
“It’s… nothing! You just took over, and I let you.” He sounded defensive. “You wanted to be the one to help him. I was rebuilding my business and our lives.”
“Well, now I’m asking you to share his care with me. When I’m gone, he needs to depend on you. Will you take him to the office with you, or leave him here at the house?” Her voice was full of accusation.
“It depends on my schedule, but I’ll look after him; don’t worry.” He whispered the last words. “I can ask Tim and Corky to watch him when I’m tied up. They love his company.”
“And you don’t?”
He sensed her sarcasm. “You know that’s not true.” Ashlundt stood up abruptly and left the kitchen without a reply.
I heard a deep sigh from Sara as she cleaned up after him. I didn’t think Ashlundt would neglect me, but I was probably going to look forward to long visits with Tim and Corky with Ashlundt’s busy schedule. If only Ashlundt exhibited more warmth toward me and Sara… maybe she wouldn’t have had to go away from us.
********
And so it was. Sara’s speaking tour began. She was gone for seven to ten evening meals per trip. The house grew terribly lonely. But I knew it was best for Sara to get her life back on track again.
The first day Sara was gone, Ashlundt called Tim and Corky. As always he used the speaker phone.
“Hi, Corky. It’s Ash. Listen, as you know, Sara’s traveling this week. My hours have been crazy at the clinic. Could Luke stay with you for the next few days?
“Of course he can. We’d love to have him.” Corky sounded excited.
“Great! I’ll bring over his kibble and one of his beds. Just for a few days.”
I enjoyed my time with the Bensons. It involved lots of treats, and they both played jingle ball with me, even though my heart wasn’t in it anymore since the accident. That sound of the bell was a cruel reminder of a prelude to disaster.
Ashlundt picked me up three evening meals later. I followed him home and tried to make myself small and unnoticeable by going into the master bedroom and curling up on my bed. I didn’t want to be in his way, or make him angry. But, he seemed absorbed on his computer, and the night passed uneventfully. His indifference was familiar, but still hollow.
The next morning I awoke to a sound I hadn’t heard in ages. “Luke, come” Ashlundt called from the kitchen. He had filled my bowl with some kibble and leftover bacon and eggs from the frying pan, I raced to him, plopped down in front of my bowl and gobbled it down. He had disappeared into his office when I finished, so I ran to get my ball thinking he might play with me. I dropped it at his feet and waited. “No, Luke. No time to play.” I slunk off to the bedroom. Then, another shocker, “Luke, come!” I scrambled to find him in the garage, and he quickly lifted me into his SUV. On the way, he made a call to his office. “Ally, I’m bringing my dog, Luke, with me today. You think you could look after him this afternoon for a while?”
When we arrived, the smell of fresh paint, new carpet and freshly-brewed coffee assaulted my senses. The sound of fingertips tapping computer keyboards and several voices greeted us. The lobby space felt large, and I sniffed a variety of plants around it. I followed his scent into his office and sat while he gave Ally instructions. “You’ll need to take him out every few hours so he doesn’t have an accident on the rugs. He’s quite housebroken, but has no way to get out.”
“Of course, Dr. Jaynes.” Ally had a nice sounding voice.
“And, I’ve brought some kibble for you to feed him around five this afternoon. Keep him in your office. I don’t want him to get underfoot of the patients.”
I could hear the unhappiness in every word he spoke. His determination to succeed with his business was also reflected in his voice. Too busy to worry about me, on subsequent office visits, he usually put me in a back office and had his assistant attend to my needs. Ally was very attentive, but I could tell that I was an additional burden to her already growing workload. Unfortunately, now it seemed that I was just a burden to Ashlundt as well.
********
I was at Tim and Corky’s when Sara made her triumphant return from her first trip. I heard her footsteps running up their front steps, a brief knock and then, “I’m back Luke! Hi, Corky!”
My heart leaped in my chest, and I ran to her voice and jumped to drape my front legs over her small shoulders. “Oh, Luke! I missed you!” She immediately sat down on the rug and gave me a bear hug, laughing and rubbing my head. It was the first ounce of affection I had felt in so long.
“Sara, how was it? Was it great?” I could feel Corky hug her.
“It was amazing, Corky! I keep getting more and more cities added to the tour.” She squeezed me again. “People are really responding to my talks.”
“Knew you’d be a hit. Want a cup of tea or a glass of wine?” I heard Corky walk to her kitchen.
“Thanks, Corky,” Sara called after her, “but I’m gonna make a special dinner tonight. Luke and I need to go to the market. Thanks for taking such good care of my boy. I’ll have you two over for dinner while I’m home!”
In the car on the way, she punched in Ashlundt’s number and left a voice mail. “Hi, I’m back. Please be home by seven. I’m gonna make us a great dinner. It’ll be nice to catch up.”
That night she pulled out the red tablecloth, the wine, the candles and set the dining room table, describing each step to me. “I’m making Chateaubriand for two!”
I was hoping she might make it for three. Oh well!
Instead of arriving home at seven, Ashlundt drug in at eight. “Sorry, I know you’ve made dinner. Got held up.” I heard him kiss her on the cheek.
“That’s okay, but it might not be as good as I had hoped since it’s been sitting in the oven.” I heard her shuffling dishes from the kitchen to the dining room. I positioned myself near Ashlundt’s chair to listen to their dinner conversation.
“Well, why didn’t you check with me before you started it?”
“How can I check when all I ever get is your voice mail?”
Ashlundt took a few steps toward the dining room. “Sorry, honey. Well, let’s eat, right?”
I heard the pouring of wine, then Sara said, “I had some real success in Chicago. Claire’s gotten more requests for me. I -”
“That’s great.” He cut her off. “Food’s delicious, Sara. Thanks.”
She was silent as they both chewed the meat.
“Do you want to tell me about your day, Ash?”
“I’m sorry, honey. Just too tired to rehash everything. I’m really beat and have to study a file before bed. Mind if we talk later?”
“But, aren’t you going to finish your meal, Ash?”
“Of course, it’s delicious.” I heard the hurried movement of his utensils as he gobbled the rest of his food down quickly.
“There. Finished.”
Sara was silent. Then, “Don’t you want dessert? I baked us an apple pie.”
“No, I’m good. Thanks. Great job on the steak.” And with that he was up from the table and into his home office.
I listened intently as Sara slowly finished her meal – alone - then cleaned up the dishes. I followed her from the dining room to the kitchen, expecting to hear her cry, but she was silent throughout the process. This was really bad. If only there was something I could do to bring them together.
********
She was only home for four evening meals before her next trip. I went into the pattern of hanging out in Ally’s office at the clinic, or staying with Tim and Corky, and he was right; they did enjoy my company. Delightfully Corky cooked people food for me instead of giving me kibble. Roast chicken. Mashed potatoes. Glazed carrots. Tim loved to play Frisbee with me when he got home from work. It was a special Frisbee with a sonic buzz that I could follow. Tim had bought it just for me. There were times that I stayed with them for days because Ashlundt was too busy with work. I didn’t mind; they were my second home. Warm, loving people, they had a good marriage, and I always got a handful of buttery popcorn when they watched TV.
Each time that Sara returned, I heard the hope in her voice, so different from the detachment in Ashlundt’s tone. After her third trip, she was filled with excitement. She arrived back after dinner and came bounding into the house. I greeted her with barking joy and a tail that couldn’t be stilled.
“Luke, my boy! I’ve missed you so!” And down we went on the rug in the den. She rolled me over on my back and scratched me in the perfect spot on my belly to get my leg going like crazy.
Ashlundt came in from the kitchen with a subdued “hello.”
“Ash, people have been so responsive to my talks about unconditional love. It’s really been overwhelming. So many great questions I’m getting from audience members and the interviewers.”
“I’m happy for you, Sara. That’s great news.” He sounded encouraging.
“The down side is that my publisher keeps adding more cities to my tour, which means I’ll be away longer than I thought.”
“Well, that’s what you wanted, isn’t it?” A sarcastic tone crept back into his voice.
“Uh, I think what I wanted was to help other people. It’s like being a therapy dog for Luke. I needed to help heal my pain. Speaking of therapy dog, I’ve got to get this boy to the hospital while I’m home. Start visiting more patients again.”
“And how long will that be this time?” Ashlundt’s voice seemed suddenly hopeful.
“A few weeks. Well, I’d better get unpacked. Come on, Luke. You can help me.”
And so the pattern continued. Sara would leave. Ashlundt would either take me to the office in someone else’s care, or he’d leave me with Tim and Corky. Long periods of time passed, and I longed for the days when Ashlundt, Sara and I were a family. The hole in my heart seemed to stretch wider.
********
It happened one night after Sara’s return from another long trip that seemed to be the last of her endless travel. Ashlundt made dinner, set the table, then made Sara a proposition that surprised us both.
“You’ve been traveling for about a year now, Sara. At least, it’s been a year since …” his voice trailed off for a few moments.
Sara sat silently. She was chewing on a freshly baked onion roll.
“I’ve been thinking,” he began again. “The clinic is doing extremely well these days. I’m up to three associates and was thinking of adding a fourth.”
“Really? Anyone in particular?” I heard her put down her fork. I imagined that it had a big piece of roast beef on it. It clanged on her plate.
“You,” he replied.
“Me? Why?” Her voice was full of doubt and uncertainty, almost bitterness.
“Well, let’s see, with your latest appearance on Good Morning America, your visibility, and all the other publicity offers that you’re receiving… well, you would give the business even better positioning. Let’s take advantage of your success and finally combine our efforts.”
“And why do you think this would be a benefit for me, Ash?” Her voice sounded oddly frustrated. “I mean, I’m very much in demand right now.”
“Well, uh… didn’t you always say you wanted us to work together? I mean, being an associate in an established practice will give you even more credibility. And our administrative staff can help you handle a lot of the paperwork and phone calls you have to do yourself now.” He’s tone seemed to change from confident to pleading.
“So, this is all business-related?” Sara’s disappointment was clearly audible.
“Well, of course. What else?”
“I’d thought that you might want me to spend more time at home; be more closely related to what you’re doing.” The skepticism returned to her voice.
I knew that he just didn’t get it when he responded, “Well, uh, that, too.”
I heard her push back her chair and stand. “Let me think about it.” Her footsteps moved away, and I followed.
Sara retreated to her “crying room.” I followed her into the master bath. She had shut the door, but opened it enough for me to squeeze in when she heard me scratching. She then closed it immediately. I could feel her slide down to the floor. Soon she pulled me over to her. “Oh, Lukey. What’s happened to us? He’s so cold to me. How long does my punishment go on?”
I wondered the same. When would he forgive me for being blind? When would he stop punishing Sara for Colson’s death? His self-absorbed manner challenged everything that we had in continuing to love and support him. Every time she left, he would put my care in the hands of others. Every time she came home, he didn’t make time to be with her except at dinner. He would always claim that he was exhausted or had more work, leaving us to spend quiet time together. But we kept trying. I always had a wag in my tail for him. I continued to try and get him to play ball, often bringing it to him and putting it at his feet, with only an occasional positive response. If he had given me any indication that he wanted me with him, I would have sprung into action. Every time Sara returned home, her voice was full of hope that he would be different. She often would fix him a nice candlelight dinner, or suggest they go for walks or try to have a conversation with him. I knew she would give anything to be with him, but he continued to be distant.
Now, she sat up on the edge of the bathtub and rubbed my neck. “I have to make a decision, Luke. I can’t go on with Ash the way it’s been. I love him, but he’s broken his promises to me.” She scratched my head in thought.
“I can either leave now, or try one last time to make our marriage work. What should I do, boy?”
I pressed into her and whined, licking her ear. I tried willing her to keep trying. Ashlundt needed her now more than ever. This was the true test; to love someone when it was the worst. Ashlundt needed Sara and me to heal the pain of both his past and present. But how?
“If I leave him, Luke, will you still love me and go with me?” She rubbed my head.
I pressed even closer and placed my paw on her knee. She had to keep trying.
“This will be the last time, my friend. But one more try. This is it.” Sara wept for quite some time in the bathroom. Eventually, she washed up, sprayed on some perfume and went back to Ashlundt in the kitchen.
I followed, eager to hear her response. As I arrived on the warm brick floor of the kitchen, I was temporarily distracted by the scraping of the plates over the garbage can. Ashlundt was cleaning up from dinner. I strolled by my dish just to make sure he hadn’t absent-mindedly scraped something into it, the way he sometimes used to do for me. As luck would have it, he hadn’t.
“I’ll do that later, Ash. Sit down with me.” Sara’s tone was serious.
I heard them push back the kitchen chairs. I lay down next to what had always been Ashlundt’s chair at the head of the table.
“Here’s my counter offer,” she began. “You want me to join your practice? I’ll come and work with you.”
“You will? That’s great, Sara!” He sounded pleased.
“Wait, there’s more to it.” Her voice became stern.
Ashlundt shifted uneasily in his chair. “Okay. What is it?”
“I’ll come and work with you if and only if you will agree to try and love me again. And Luke, too,” she whispered.
He was silent for what seemed like a long time. Finally, he stood up from his chair and drew a deep breath. Then, he sat back down again. “I do love you, Sara.”
I felt his hand on my head. He caressed behind my ears.
“And I love Luke too.”
“Ash, let’s face it. We haven’t been a couple since the day Colson died. How are we supposed to continue on like this?”
The room fell silent for a long while. Then, finally, Ashlundt exhaled loudly. “I… I’m sorry, Sara. It’s been so hard for me.”
“Does that mean you don’t think it’s been hard for me?” There was pain in her voice. “That I haven’t also needed comfort and reassurance?”
“Don’t you think I know that? It’s just… you were there in the park, and I wasn’t. I can’t get over the guilt of not being there, Sara.” He sobbed a bit as the words left his mouth.
“But, Ash, it wasn’t your fault. I was there. I let him slip through my fingers! I know you blame me!” She uncharacteristically banged her fist on the kitchen table, and I jumped in surprise.
“No, Sara, no. If I had been there, I might have prevented it. It’s not that I blame you. I just can’t get past… the pain.”
“But, will you at least try, Ash? Will you try to reconnect with me, and Luke? Will you open your heart to us? That’s all I ask. Everything… our marriage… hinges on it.” Her voice was pleading.
I heard him get up from his chair and go to her. “I’ve been living in fear of losing you. I haven’t been… decent to you. But, so bitter that you were gone… gone so much. I’ll try, Sara. I’ll try. I really wanna make you happy. That’s all I ever wanted was for us to be a happy family.” He sounded forlorn.
I walked over to them, and Sara knelt down next to me.
“And, Ash, just because Luke is blind doesn’t make him any less of a friend. He’s such a remarkable dog if you would take the time to watch him.” She gently rubbed my head. “He’s so self-sufficient in so many ways. Have you ever noticed that no matter how much you ignore him, he’s always there to lick your hand or be next to you to offer his devotion?”
Ashundt knelt next to her; I felt both their hands on my head and back.
“Yes… he’s a… great dog.” I felt his desperation to appease Sara.
“You never talk to him like you did before he was diagnosed with PRA. You never truly pay attention to him. Take him back into your heart. How could you not?”
I felt his large hands rubbing my back like he used to do. My love for him melted into them. If I had been human, I would have cried tears of joy.
“I… I never really… I didn’t realize that. But, okay. So maybe it’s true. I’ll surely try and make things better.” Ashlundt’s tone was quiet and apologetic.
My heart leaped with gladness that he was willing to try.
Sara stood. Ashlundt rose up next to her.
“Ash, I’m sorry, but I don’t believe that you didn’t realize.” Her voice was accusing. “You have to know that you fell back into your old patterns. What I don’t understand is why you were so great with Bear going through his cancer, but you can’t be the same with Luke and his blindness. Explain it to me.”
I heard him turn and go to the kitchen sink. He moved some dishes around the counter and hesitated for a moment. Sara walked over to him, and I followed her.
“I… can’t really explain it.” Ashlundt sighed deeply. “I don’t think I understand it myself. Maybe because there was a treatment for Bear, but there’s none for Luke? I thought I could fix Bear. Luke’s blindness is too much like watching my brother linger… and die. I’m so helpless to do anything for him.”
“But, that’s not true!” Sara’s voice rose in protest. “If you’d just participated in preparing him for it, you would have seen how much it helped him. You could have been a part of helping him. Don’t you see?”
I waited for his answer, afraid to move and distract him from it.
Ashlundt took a deep breath and sighed. “I think it goes back to when you were sick. It was too painful for me to watch you go through it at first. I can’t bear to see him blind. It hurts too much.”
“Oh, Ash. Can’t you get it through your head? It isn’t always about you.
“I know. I… I mean. What can I do to fix this?” Again his voice was full of desperation and fear.
“Just love us, Ash. Just love us. I want to offer you everything that I am, but you’ve broken your promises to me. If you want me to stay with you, take Luke and me back into your heart.”
I heard him put his arms around her. I joined in and pressed my body against their legs. I felt the immediate response of his hand. Choked sobs racked from his chest. I felt Sara pull him closer into her arms. I prayed this would be the beginning of the healing of our family.