True to his word, Ashlundt began seeing his old mentor. He took me along to the sessions at the home of his old teacher, Dr. Jacob Lubin.
“How do you like retirement, Jacob?” Ashlundt sat down and patted for me to sit near him.
“Hate it, Ash. Bored to tears. I’m really glad to see you. Tell me what’s on your mind.” The older doctor poured each of them a glass of water, setting them on the coffee table between his leather chair and the large love seat he had offered to Ashlundt.
“I’m apparently not over my old issue of losing my brother.” Ashlundt took a sip of water, and I could feel him moving uncomfortably next to me.
“Tell me what’s been going on,” the elder man asked. He smelled of pipe tobacco and strong tea. “You’ve had a rough go with your son and all.”
“My wife Sara, when I asked her to join my practice, I saw her success as a best-selling author only adding to my own. But I was clueless about her area of expertise.” He sipped his water again.
“You mean unconditional love, right?” Jacob picked up something from the side table next to his chair. “I have her book right here. Brilliant. Have you been placing conditions on those you love?”
“Apparently.”
“How so?”
“I’ve behaved… badly. Not only to Sara but to Luke here.” Ashlundt scratched the top of my head.
“Go on. What else?” I heard Jacob lean forward and pour more water.
“When Colson…” Ashlundt stopped and was quiet for a moment. “When Colson died, I shut Sara out. “When Luke started going blind, I did the same to him.” He scratched my head even harder.
“And were you protecting yourself in some way?”
Ashlulndt reached down and wrapped his arms around me, “Yes…” he sighed. “Being so…having no way to save Colson; protect Luke. Sara was there…when Colson died…” he choked on his words.
“And you weren’t? You blame yourself – for Aaron, for Colson, for Luke?”
“Yes. Yes. Yes. For all of it. I can’t protect them.” I felt a shutter run through Ashlundt’s body as he clasped me even tighter to him.
“Ash, would you say that you are blocking the pain you feel by building a barrier in between yourself and those you love?” Jacob’s voice was filled with wisdom and compassion.
“Yes… I don’t want… to lose them!” His voice became almost a whisper. “I’m worried that Sara will leave me if I can’t fix this!”
In that moment, I knew how much Ashlundt truly loved us all and how helpless and angry he felt not to be able to prevent anything that had happened. It was the confirmation I was hoping for, but wasn’t sure I’d ever hear with such sincerity.
********
The next morning he patted me awake as I slept soundly on my bed in the master bedroom. “Shhh… Luke, let’s go.” I stood, shook off my sleep and followed him to the garage where he lifted me into the car. We drove to Starbucks with him singing along to She Loves You, Yeah, Yeah blasting on the radio. I waited in the backseat while he ran inside. Moments later, the front door swung open and the smell of warm cinnamon bun made my stomach growl. I nosed at the paper bag that contained its heavenly aroma. “Hang on, boy. It’ll be all yours in a minute.”
I couldn’t believe my ears.
We soon pulled into the garage. Ashlundt opened the door for me, and I hopped down and followed him into the kitchen. I could hear him slowly opening the paper bag, then the plop of the delicious bun in my bowl. It was devoured before it had time to grow cold. And it wasn’t even my birthday!
His footsteps led me back into their bedroom. I had to hear this, so I settled down in my bed.
“Wake up, Sara… wake up… I brought you your favorite. Chai Latte.”
I heard her moan and then stretch. “Ash, oooh! Thank you! My hero.”
“And, I didn’t even get one for myself. That’s unconditional, right?”
They both laughed. I went into a fit of rolling on my back and snarking at the air in my bed.
After a moment, they were quiet. I heard him sit on the side of the bed. “Sara, I want to ask your advice about something that’s been bothering me.”
“Of course, Ash. What’s up?” She took a large slurp of her tea.
“It’s about my brother, Ardin. I’ve really not felt comfortable talking about it until now.”
“Sure, Ash. What about him.” I heard her kiss Ashlundt on the cheek.
“Well, when Aaron had the accident, I think Ardin blamed me for not getting to him quickly enough. That… he blamed me for Aaron’s brain damage and…ultimately, his death.”
“Ardin? Really? I’ve never picked up that vibe from him before. Has he ever had a conversation with you about this?”
I heard the bedcovers rustle and could only imagine that she had pulled him down next to her.
“No, not in so many words. More just the looks he used to give me when Aaron was unconscious. And the way he tries to dictate my life, like I don’t have enough sense to be in control of it.” His words became muffled as if he’d buried his face in her neck.
“Ash, I had no idea. Hey! You’re gonna spill my tea. Give me my neck back for a minute so we can talk this out.”
I heard them both giggle like kids.
“Okay, Ash. So maybe you’re right. But rather than carrying this around with you, go see Ardin. Talk it out with him. And know that if he does blame you, the problem lies within him, and not you. What you may be seeing from Ardin could be just a reflection of your own guilt. Know what I mean?”
Ashlundt sighed. “No, not really. He’s always been so judgmental. Tough to please.”
“Ash,” Sara took a sip of her tea, “You’ve been carrying around a lot of guilt. What makes you feel that you don’t project it onto Ardin?”
“I just think you’re reaching on this one, Sara.” I heard him go into the master bathroom, wash his face and return to sit beside her on the bed.
“Reaching? Really? I don’t think so. Trust me. Go talk to him.” I heard her laugh and hit him with a pillow.
“Hey! Watch it!” He laughed back at her and then paused. “Maybe I should talk to him. Thanks. Now come on lazy bones, we need to get ready for work! And, I need a cup of coffee!”
I lay there and felt my heart lift. The closeness they once shared was beginning to return. The tone of their voices was so much sweeter. So much more than just respectful. It actually sounded like affection between two people who cared for each other deeply.
********
Ashlundt took me aside in the backyard the following afternoon. I could tell by the spring in his step that he was up to something good. “Hey, boy. I need your help.” He paused by the side bushes and stroked the top of my head. “So, how about you take Sara for a long walk? I want to set up a surprise for her.”
I barked three times to let Ashlundt know that I was up to the task. Scooting through the doggie door, I was back inside the house and in Sara’s home office in a flash. She was working on something at her desk, so I jumped up and placed my front legs in her lap and began to nudge until she finally gave in.
“Okay, you win. I’ll take you out. Just give me a minute to get my sneakers on.”
We were out in the woods within minutes, crunching on the fallen leaves. I found the droppings of small animals and investigated. I kept pushing to go further away from the house. Sara complied, and we whiled away the late afternoon. Ashlundt was busy in the backyard when we returned.
“What’s this, Ash? A barbecue? All by yourself?”
“Yes, baby back ribs, corn on the cob, a mixed green salad with blue cheese. And, a filet for Luke! You like?”
“I like!” She laughed and walked to him. I knew they were hugging, then kissing because they were making those happy smooching sounds. I walked around them, wagging my tail, beside myself about the steak to come.
I had heard more laughter between them. Oftentimes I would find the bedroom door locked in the early evening, or awaken to their intimacy in the middle of the night. The first time it happened, I expressed my approval by chasing my tail and barking with joy. I could hear their laughter at my reaction.
Ashlundt awoke with the morning alarm the morning after our backyard barbecue. He quickly hit the off button, then rolled over and patted Sara gently. “Hey, you stay put in bed; get an extra few minutes. I’ll take Luke for his morning walk. It’s chilly out there.”
“You’re an angel,” she spoke into her pillow as we went into the nippy December morning.
I delighted in the crunch of the gravel under his feet, and his voice guiding me around the trash cans that had been set out the night before. He hummed She Loves You, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, which was quickly becoming his theme song. I could feel a reconnection in his touch on my head.
Our bond grew stronger throughout the morning. As soon as we arrived at work, Ashlundt brought me into his office and guided me to a new bed that he had built for me. I had heard him hammering away in the garage for days. It featured a soft, furry mattress and a wooden step to help me climb in easily. Now, I had two special beds at work, one in each of their offices. I felt very special indeed that Ashlundt was looking after my comforts.
********
The holiday season approached. Ashlundt put up a jingly Christmas tree in the den. It was sad not to see the lights and sparkling ornaments, but I loved the smell of fresh pine. Speaking of wonderful smells, Sara cooked up an assortment of holiday treats in the kitchen. Pumpkin bread, gingerbread cookies and sugar cookies were a few of my favorites.
Four evening meals before what they always called Christmas Eve, Ashlundt started to talk to me again about his practice. I had missed hearing him share the details of his cases and clients. “Business is booming, boy. I’ve never had so many patients. Hey, I hope to take your Mommy away on a nice vacation soon. Is that okay with you?”
I barked my approval. It was about time that they finally got away for some relaxation. After all they’d been through, how could I protest?
We were finally a threesome again. I was included in all his activities – going to the office, attending meetings with him, taking walks together. Ashlundt would bounce his thoughts off me as he had before. “Luke, what do you think about the new client?”
I would cock my head, listening intently, and he would go on.
“The man claims that his work is so stressful that he’s gonna have a heart attack. But, what he’s experiencing is panic attacks. I need to get to the bottom of it. I’ll send him to his physician for a complete workup. Once he gets a clean bill of health, I can get down to what’s really happening.”
I enjoyed these little one-way conversations. And I loved hearing the friendly, confident tone of Ashlundt’s voice. Frankly, I’d missed it.
His other immediate concern was the office environment. Even though Ashlundt’s moods were changing, his prior harshness had set the tone for everyone around him. Inter-office personnel disagreements and mistakes plagued him.
“The receptionist is complaining that the secretaries are piling too much of their work on her. My partners think Sara is getting too much visibility over them. Will it never end? Why does this always have to happen over the holidays?”
He occasionally, however, reverted to locking himself in his office to be left alone when the day hadn’t gone his way. He still hadn’t been able to completely rid himself of the self-doubt and pent-up anger that continued after Colson’s death. But, of course, I understood, and he continued to work on it in his weekly sessions with Dr. Lubin.
His progress was slow but significant and took an upward turn the next day in therapy in Dr. Lubin’s home office. The older psychologist had made them both a cup of tea, then settled into his chair. “You might have forgiven Luke and Sara, but you haven’t forgiven yourself for Colson’s death, or your brother’s accident. You’ll never heal until you do, Ash.”
“But, Sara and I are back together again; I mean the three of us,” he argued.
“Yes, but you still haven’t forgiven yourself, Ash! Sara tells me you react badly to everyday problems. You still close yourself off once and awhile.” Dr. Lubin took a sip of his tea. “When your brother had his accident, you blamed yourself because you couldn’t get to him in time. You saw it as your fault because he was in the water so long. Then, the long months of him lingering were like agony for you. So now, whenever tragedy strikes, what do you think you do?”
“Well, if I look at it as a therapist from the outside, I think I let my anger over not being able to control the situation control me.” He was silent for a moment. I could hear him breathing heavily. “With you I’ve discovered that I punish those I love for creating the tragedy – I blamed Luke for his blindness and Sara for Colson’s death, and, in a way, for her own cancer. I know that I have to forgive myself. Rationally I know that I didn’t cause my brother’s accident. It isn’t feasible for me to blame myself for what happened to him. But, I do.”
I heard him nervously rubbing his legs through his khaki pants as if they itched.
“Ash, you need to forgive yourself for Aaron’s death. Think about it. Could you have possibly gotten to him any sooner?”
He paused and cleared his throat. “No… not really.”
“Okay, let’s end there. Think about that.” The therapist took another sip of tea. “Now how about a game of chess?”
********
A delicious meal of kibble mixed with left-over tri-tip highlighted my evening at home. Then, the three of us took our usual walk. This time we headed to the Equestrian Center. Sara asked about Ardin. “Ash, you went to San Diego last week. Did you see Ardin?”
“Yep, I saw him.” He let out a deep breath.
“And?”
“You were right.” Ashlundt slapped the side of his leg. “He doesn’t blame me. It’s all in my head. He thought I was nuts to think it.”
“What about your feeling that he tries to boss you around?”
“Man, I felt just like we were teenagers again when I brought it up.” He chuckled to himself. “He messed my hair and punched me in the arm and told me I would always be his younger brother, and to get used to it.”
“Good. That’s one less thing on your worry plate.” Sara paused on the trail. I could hear her arm sliding over his windbreaker. I imagined she was rubbing his arm.
“But how do you see me getting angry over everyday problems? Jacob mentioned that today. Give me one example.” This sounded like a challenge.
“That’s easy,” she replied without contemplation. “Our CPA called me today. She told me that she’d gone over quarterly numbers with you, and that she tried to have a logical discussion about some of the discrepancies she found. Instead, you gave her the third-degree; told her that she had made a mistake; to go back to the drawing board. She was ready to let us go as clients.”
“Well, she caught me at a bad time. I’ll call and apologize.”
They seemed rooted in the same spot with this conversation, so I found a mossy area next to a tree and plopped down for a rest.
“No, that’s not the point, Ash. You’re a psychologist. What would you tell a patient who behaved in that manner?”
“I would say that there’s an underlying cause for that type of behavior.”
“Okay, what else,” she pressed on.
“I’m obviously not happy with who I am. My self-doubt, it’s forcing me to blame other people for my unhappiness and insecurities. Or, at least I think that’s what happens sometimes.”
I turned in their direction and barked my approval.
“Let go of your doubts. Let your love and concern for others be your objective. It’s there inside you. Can’t you feel it?”
Ash again grew quiet, perhaps searching for the feeling that Sara was questioning about. Finally, he spoke up. “Yes. I know the feeling. But every time I think about Colson I get so angry. Full of despair. How are we to get past it, Sara? I feel like it’ll always be there.” Fear crept into his voice.
I heard her sigh deeply. “You’ll never get past the sorrow that you feel, Ash. But you can get past the anger if you focus on what I’ve been telling you. I will always love Colson, but I can’t change what happened.” She choked back a sob.
It wasn’t as if a bell went off, though I could have sworn I heard the echoes of one ringing out. Ashlundt seemed suddenly to understand. “Sara, I’ve been like a guy carrying it around like baggage in an airport. For sure, that isn’t going to make me a productive person. The thing is, I need to decide how I want to experience life going forward. And that’s the hardest part of all this.”
“Yes. That’s right, my love. I struggled so hard after Colson died. I wouldn’t go out or see anyone. I just stayed with Luke and cried until I had nothing left.” I heard her walk over to a log and sit down. “Then I realized that I had to heal myself. I could close myself off, or I could start caring about everyone around me. That’s what the book tour was about.”
Ashlundt walked over and sat down next to her.
Sara went on. “I made a conscious decision. What about you? Will you be more forgiving and loving? Or will you continue to give in to anger or sorrow?”
I got up and walked close to them, wanting to feel and not just hear their emotions. Standing next to Ashlundt, I felt him reach for Sara and close the gap between them.
“Obviously I want the first choice, Sara. But my emotions and the stress of the business… sometimes it becomes really overwhelming. Isn’t that normal?”
“Of course it’s normal. But don’t you think that if you forgive yourself it’ll be easier for you to overcome the negatives that you encounter every day?” She was silent, then breathed deeply. You know, Ash, the love inside you becomes the love other people feel,” she said softly.
He was quiet for what seemed a long time, then I heard him give her a big squeeze and a loud smacking kiss on the cheek. “Sara, you’re amazing, and what you are saying… it feels so… right.”
I turned and found Sara’s hand and put my head under it, then licked it. She responded by squeezing my ear gently. I knew that she received my quiet approval.
We walked on for a long while with only the sound of the crunch of the equestrian path under their shoes. It made a rhythmic tune that played in my ears. I hoped that Ashlundt would perhaps finally learn from Sara’s wisdom. I just wanted them to be happy and to find a way to overcome the darkness of the past.