Oh my god, he’s touching it.
Sound familiar? Just about every body-conscious woman says something like that to herself at some point during sex. The “it,” of course, is the part of your body you don’t like. Sometimes this is just a passing thought, but sometimes that thought gets stuck, sets up camp, and gives birth to hundreds of others like it.
You start thinking things like “I’m too fat to have sex,” even though you’re objectively average-sized. You tell friends you’re not having sex till you’re a size six. You put conditions on sex. You wear cover-up clothing. You only have sex with the lights out. You only get in positions that prevent your partner from looking at or touching certain parts of your body. Your partner starts getting a little tired of “conditional sex” and now you start having “duty sex” to avoid losing him or getting into terrible arguments. What you used to enjoy you now endure. Pretty soon your desire for any sex, conditional or not, goes away. Or your libido stays high but self-judgment paralyzes your enjoyment of making love.
Studies in academic periodicals and popular surveys show that this is an alarming trend—millions of women are losing their libido or putting off sex, even when they’re in the mood—because they feel like they’re too fat. Notice that last part—it’s not because they are fat, but because they think they are. The problem is so bad that a study in the Journal of Sex Research concluded that how you feel about your body has more of an influence on sexual functioning than even menopause! Bedroom body shame is ruining sex for a growing number of women, from the petite to the plus size. They are seeing their sex lives fall off the cliff, taking their relationships along with them.
As the co-host of HBO’s Sex Inspectors, a sex makeover series that helped couples improve their love lives, I have seen the damage that bedroom body shame can do to a relationship. In one heartbreaking episode, Sarah, who in no way, shape, or form could be considered fat, was so ashamed of her “jiggly thighs” that she would only have sex in the missionary position, and then only when the lights were out. She could only enjoy sex when her boyfriend couldn’t see her body. She avoided sex more and more as a way of protecting herself, but all she managed to do was drive her boyfriend away.
Sarah had to face the fact that sexual body consciousness was threatening her relationship (and if she’d been single, it would have impinged on her ability to establish one). Diminished sexual satisfaction across time predicts the likelihood of a divorce or a breakup. Lack of sex, or the inability to enjoy it, closes you off to the kind of closeness, meaning, and connection that form the basis of relationships.
On the show I worked with all kinds of couples. Some of the women worked, some stayed at home. Some were single, some were married. Some were childless, some had children. Some were thin, some were average-sized. None were overweight but it didn’t matter—they all struggled with some level of body shame in the bedroom. “I don’t deserve sex,” one woman told me. “Not without a flat belly.” I can’t think of anything you can say to yourself that could be so cruel. Or so wrong. Yet every night, millions of women say some version of this to themselves when their husbands and boyfriends try to express their love physically.
Women often joke that they’re “having a fat day,” but for too many that fat day turns into fat weeks, months, and years. What starts out as a funny phrase can turn into a not-so-funny idea: My body isn’t attractive enough for sex. Body consciousness in the bedroom is so profound and so prevalent that sex researchers call it a “normative discontent.” Meaning it’s now “normal” for women to be unhappy with their bodies. This has predictably turned into rampant sexual self-consciousness—that awful feeling that some part of your body is a sexual turn-off and that if you don’t fix, cover, or hide it, your partner’s going to be repulsed by it.
If you’re reading this book, then you’re probably sexually self-conscious and looking for ways to calm your body anxiety. The uncomfortable reality is that your attempts at fixing the problem have probably made it worse. Maybe you’ve tried dieting and exercise with little success. Or you’ve avoided sex only to realize it poisons the relationship. You’ve put conditions on sex, but they just manage to lessen the enjoyment for everyone. You’ve forced yourself into “duty sex,” but your partner knows you’re faking it. You begin losing your libido as a subconscious effort to avoid shame-inducing sex, but now your partner feels unloved and unwanted.
All of these well-meaning but unworkable coping strategies may buy you time, but they’re digging you into a deeper hole. And the first rule of holes is that when you’re in one, stop digging. Admittedly, it’s hard to put the shovel down and try a different approach because there doesn’t seem to be one. There are no books on overcoming body anxiety to have good sex, and the few magazine articles that address the subject do a great disservice by recommending you find more creative ways of doing what you’re already doing.
I’ve been writing about sex for twelve years. I’ve hosted three seasons of Sex Inspectors. I’ve answered thousands of advice-seeking emails and conducted hundreds of interviews with sex therapists, physicians, and gynecologists. And yet neither I nor any of these experts could offer a coherent path out of the problem. It wasn’t just frustrating; it was heartbreaking, because so many women I care about (even in my own family) suffer from pronounced sexual self-consciousness. With twelve years of reporting on sex and access to so many credentialed experts, how could I not be able to offer a solution to the women I cared about?
So I turned to researchers who’ve been studying sexual self-consciousness for two decades, and it was there, deep within the stacks of academic journals, that a solution became apparent. In the last few years, scientists, therapists, researchers, and scholars have made huge advances in the understanding of how body image influences sexual functioning and satisfaction. You will find some of the research quite shocking, because it directly contradicts so many beliefs women have about themselves, the men they’re attracted to, and the way they deal with their increasingly dysfunctional sex life.
For example, most women with body anxiety believe there are only three paths to restoring their sex lives: accept themselves as they are, improve their bodies through diet and exercise, or enhance their body image through positive affirmations and supportive self-talk. But studies show that these methods are difficult, impossible, or downright harmful. They can actually create more self-consciousness in the bedroom, not less.
If you haven’t figured it out by now, significantly changing the size and shape of your body is next to impossible. And affirming a positive image of your body in the middle of an onslaught of obsessive self-hatred is like diving under an umbrella to protect you from a hurricane. Of course, the ideal solution is to accept yourself as you are, but if that were easy to do you’d already have done it.
So if improving your body or your image of it isn’t the solution to sexual self-consciousness, what is? The research strongly suggests it is the very thing you’ve been trying so hard to avoid.
Sex.
Impossible, you say. You’ve had plenty of sex. How can the solution be the very thing that triggers your anxiety? Isn’t that like telling a woman who’s afraid of water to keep throwing herself into the deep end of the pool until she learns how to swim?
Of course not. You’d start her in ankle-deep water and help her move forward as she gets more comfortable. You’d show her how much fun it is to play in the water. You’d gossip, splash each other, and play volleyball with cute guys. You’d teach her how to get a breath whenever she needed one and how to rest in the water. You’d teach her how water supports her body and how to keep it out of her nose. You’d teach her how to float, propel, and maneuver. But mostly, you would show her how to relax so she can be comfortable and have fun.
It’s the same with sex. All you need is a little understanding and a fair amount of direction. I’m going to show you how to have sex without paralyzing self-judgment. I’m going to show you how to manage your mind so you can stay present, attend to your pleasure, and engage with your partner. And I’m going to do it all with help from the latest peer-reviewed, academic research conducted by the most respected scientists in the field. I’ll be quoting extensively from experts like Dr. Thomas F. Cash, a preeminent leader in the psychology of physical appearance, and Dr. Cindy Meston, professor of clinical psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, whose groundbreaking research is revolutionizing our understanding of exercise’s impact on low libido.
This book starts by showing how your mind hijacked your body and held sex for ransom. Understanding how you got here is the first step to getting out. Then we’re going to challenge a lot of assumptions you’ve made about men and the kinds of women they’re attracted to with the latest research on male attraction. We’ll move into specific approaches to raising your libido and managing your mind during sex. And finally, we’ll take a look at specific sexual techniques that will help you tune in so you can get turned on.
Imagine your partner touching your belly without sending you into spasms of fear and self-hatred. Imagine having sex without a running commentary in your mind about how your body looks or what your partner thinks of it. Imagine being so involved in the pleasures of sex that you forget to “check” your thighs, or worry about your partner seeing something you’re ashamed of.
This is entirely possible by changing your relationship to the problem, reframing your idea of who you are as a sexual being, understanding the principles of “crowding out” obsessive thoughts, and learning sex techniques that reduce or eliminate body shame. You deserve more than a joyless, anxiety-ridden trip through the bedroom doors. It is your destiny to have a rich, fulfilling love life.
We’re just going to give fate a little nudge.