CULTIVATING SENSUALITY IN AND OUT OF THE BEDROOM
“I’ve never spent a lot of money on fancy haircuts or mani-pedis. What’s the point? It won’t make any difference.”
— Kara, 32, Cleveland, Ohio
The monkey chatter in your head prevents you from enjoying sex. It’s a nonstop diatribe about your thighs being too big or your stomach not being as flat as an ironing board. It’s punctuated by an obsession with your partner’s opinion of your body and a compulsive search for the best way to hide perceived flaws. It takes over and prevents you from being in the moment and feeling pleasurable sensations. You may not be able to fully eliminate the monkey chatter, but you can give it a stutter, a lisp, and maybe even a gag order by cultivating sensuality outside the bedroom.
What I mean by cultivating sensuality is training your body to expect, appreciate, and flourish from sensory stimulation. Doing so trains you to pay more attention to what you’re feeling than what you’re thinking—something you might have problems doing in the bedroom.
My friend Shannon has a great outgoing voice mail message:
Hi. I can’t pick up the phone right now because I’m doing something I enjoy. I like doing it up and down, side to side, and all around. Sometimes I even like it a little rough. So I’ll give you a call when I’m through... brushing my teeth.
Sensuality is a celebration of sensation. Any sensation, even the fresh feeling of brushing your teeth. If my girlfriend can express that much sensuality in something as mundane as dental hygiene, can you imagine how sensual she is in other areas of her life? It’s no accident—sensuality warms the path to sexuality.
Cultivating sensuality is the enjoyment, expression, and—most importantly—pursuit of physically pleasing sensations. It’s easy to dismiss it as simply pampering yourself or being mindful of your surroundings. That is definitely part of it, but we’re aiming for something that directly addresses a major fault line in your sex life: your decreased ability to enjoy physical sensations because your mind is banging the gavel on your body. Sensuality in many ways is the practice of letting go of criticism and judgment and surrendering thought to feeling. You don’t judge a bath towel when you feel its softness—you simply get lost in its softness.
When you began to live sensually, you cultivate gratitude for the pleasures your body can give you. But the most important thing about creating a space for pleasure is that it teaches you how to be in the moment. Pleasure—whether it’s the smell of fresh coffee beans roasting or the breeze off the bay—directs your attention from your thoughts to your feelings.
The idea isn’t to stop, smell the roses, and call it a day. It’s to be conscious of pulling pleasure into your life on a daily basis. Mindfulness is certainly part of it. Yes, you should take the time to look up at the sky and notice the clouds. Yes, you should feel the thickness and texture of a fabric, a book, or a flower petal. Yes, you should take a languid bath. Yes, you should drink a cup of tea with your eyes closed. But what I’m talking about is far more than taking a minute out of your day to center yourself. It’s about living a consciously sensual life. It’s about looking at every aspect of your life and reordering it to throw out what doesn’t give you pleasure and introduce things that do.
The connection between cultivating sensuality and improving sexuality is very real. The five senses create emotional states. The best way to improve your mood isn’t to think pleasant thoughts; it’s to rearrange your circumstances so that your body experiences something pleasurable. You can try to motivate yourself to go to the gym with positive thoughts all you want, but it’ll be a lot more effective to play the kind of music that changes your mood. It’s the same thing with sex. It’s a lot easier to get and stay in the mood by firing up your senses than changing negative thoughts.
How to Increase Your Sensual Potential
Be brutal about your pleasure. If something is not making you happy, toss it out. If you open those drawers and those panties don’t make you smile, get rid of them. Edit things out of your life that aren’t sensually appealing. And make sure you never throw something out without replacing it.
Train yourself to stop whatever you’re doing and ask, How can I get more physical pleasure out of what I’m doing? If you’re reading a book, put it down for a second and add some ambiance by lighting a candle. If you’re tired of walking into a room that depresses you, buy flowers. In fact, get a flower budget. The colors and fragrance will completely change your experience of the room. Don’t wait for guys to buy you flowers. They only do it when they want something or have done something.
Insist on sensation. Demand on delight. Be merciless. Take your clothes as an example. Do they pull where they should lay? Sag where they should hold you up? Are they itchy? Do they make you feel good? No? Throw them out.
Don’t worry about looking sexy
Cultivating sensuality isn’t about making your body look the part; it’s about making it feel the love, so don’t worry about looking properly sexy. Instead, I want you to concentrate on picking out clothes that feel good against your skin. Want to look sexy? Fine, just don’t wear clothes that pinch or itch. Want to look frumpy? Fine, as long as the baggy clothes make your skin dance in its softness. It’s not a look we’re going for; it’s a feeling. Remember to always buy quality. Better to have one piece of clothing that feels luxurious against your skin than three that don’t.
The nose knows
There’s a reason why priests wave certain types of incense in a Catholic Mass. There’s a reason why department store salespeople spritz perfume on you. Smells influence your emotions. Smells can attract or repel. It’s important to have things that smell good on you and around you. Add fragrance to your environment—your car, bathrooms, office. Be surrounded by pleasant fragrances and your body will reward you with an uplifted mood.
Take inventory of what you like
You can probably recite which parts of your body you don’t like in your sleep. But I bet you can’t itemize the parts you like without scratching your head or rubbing your chin. If you’re like a lot of women I know, you’re probably thinking, “But I don’t like any part of my body!” Trust me, you do. Studies show that even women with extreme body dissatisfaction can point to small things they like about themselves. Sometimes it’s as simple as the shape of their fingers or the curls in their hair. If you honestly can’t think of a single thing you like about yourself, you’re still not off the hook. Pick things you feel neutral about.
Pamper what you like
Now that you’ve identified what you like (or feel neutral about), it’s time to celebrate, nurture, and cultivate your best assets. For example, if you like the shape of your feet, you need to regularly treat yourself to a pedicure. If you like your hair, you need to buy the kind of products that make it shinier, fuller, curlier, or whatever it needs to enhance what it is you like about it. This isn’t just about rewarding the body you’ve been punishing; it’s about appreciating, cultivating, and experiencing sensuality. Remember, the goal isn’t to make you feel better about your body; it’s to make your body feel better things.
Two Simple Questions to Light Up Your Sex Life
Adding sensual pleasure to your everyday life requires an acute sense of awareness. No matter where you are or what you’re doing, you should always pose this question: How can I make my body feel better? If you’re in a cubicle at work, it could be as easy as putting soft music on. If you’re tired, it could be a foot bath. It doesn’t matter. Get yourself in the habit of asking, How can I enhance the physical sensations I’m experiencing? Because once you’re in the habit of asking—and delivering—what feels good, you can transfer this skill to the bedroom. Of course, that won’t do much good if your bedroom is so messy it looks like a crime scene.
Turning Your Bedroom into a Sensuous Lair
I am regularly shocked when I see how couples treat their bedrooms. They are often so filled with obstacles and diversions, it’s a wonder that any sex could be had. Once, during Sex Inspectors, we talked to a couple in a bedroom that was so filled with clutter, I could hardly make out the bed. It reminded me of playing tennis with three chairs in the middle of the court. How are you supposed to hit the ball if there’s always something in the way?
Too many people use their bedroom as if it were half storage unit, half entertainment center. The bedroom is for sleeping, relaxation, and sex. Anything that doesn’t promote those three things needs to be moved out.
The energy in your bedroom can make the difference between putting you in the mood or locking you out of it. The point isn’t to make it feel like sex is seeping out of the walls; it’s to make your body feel relaxed, warm, and receptive to pleasure. We spend more time in our bedrooms than any other room in the house, yet it’s often the most neglected.
From lighting to fragrances, you can have a bedroom that entices your body from the minute you walk in. Here are a few hints that can dramatically transform your experience of sex, love, and sleep. You know you’ve done a good job when you walk in and your body sighs with pleasure.
Lighting
The lighting in the perfect bedroom should generally be soft and low wattage. Consider installing a dimmer switch for your overhead light, so you can change the mood of the room easily. Colored or low-wattage bulbs will also help.
If you like lamps in your bedroom, use three-way light bulbs—that way you can read with the higher settings and set a mood with the lower ones. Experiment with lamps by putting them on the floor. The up-lighting gives off a nice glow. If you’re feeling adventurous, mix things up with a strobe light—it can make your lovemaking look like a dream sequence.
Candles: the universal language of romance
Fire invokes romance, passion, and desire. It’s primal. Nobody’s mood stays the same when a candle gets lit. Earlier I said you need a flower budget. You need one for candles, too. Get out of the habit of thinking that lighting candles is for special occasions. Don’t just light them as a precursor to making love or because you’re enjoying a romantic dinner. Light them all the time for any sort of reason. Vary the sizes, colors, and placement. Train yourself to create different moods.
Use lots of reds (which stand for sexual attraction, passion, and love) and whites (which stand for personal power and romance). To symbolize a happy and close relationship, consider placing two candles close together. Mirrors can accentuate the lighting in your room. Enhance the glow of candles by placing them in front of or even on top of mirrors. On a side note, if you place a larger mirror on the wall opposite of a window, it will help reflect natural light and open the room up a bit.
Bedspread
The bedspread is probably the most important visual element in the bedroom because it takes up so much space. Don’t go overboard with flashy designs or strong colors. Go with muted colors. Think romantic oasis, not flashy nightclub or botanical garden.
Floors
Wood floors are beautiful, but they’re not soft. If wall-to-wall carpeting isn’t feasible, then buy a wool-silk rug—with candlelight it creates a beautiful, shimmering effect. Stepping onto a shag or sheepskin rug by the foot of the bed feels great whether you’re climbing into bed or getting out of it.
Windows and walls
Shut out the world with blackout curtains or a three-fold layered window treatment like wooden blinds and sheer curtains topped by floor-to-ceiling draperies. Generally speaking, the more fabric you put on walls and windows, the more soothing and sumptuous the room will be. Covering an entire wall with floor-lo-ceiling drapes quiets the room in a provocative way.
Paint the walls a rich color and keep everything else in the room light and neutral. Choose body-flattering colors and avoid green or yellow. No one looks good in green reflection, and yellow makes you look jaundiced. Not a good look for sex!
Pillows
Women often make the mistake of over-pillowing the bed. While it may look good, it psychologically puts the bed off limits by taking up so much room. An over-pillowed bed sends a strong signal that the bed is a decorative prop rather than a place for communion. It is a subtle but unmistakable “do not lie here” sign. All you need are two sham-size pillows placed against the headboard and two to four sleeping pillows.
Bed linens
You want the sexiest tactile experience, which you can only get with thread counts starting at 450 to 1,000. Keep the sheets as plain as possible—no distracting designs or embroideries. Silk and satin feel awesome against your skin, but they do slide around and good luck getting the stains out. Try flannel sheets—they’re cuddly and warm. Or try mixing bedding textures, like silk sheets with a satin pillow and a flannel blanket. Mix linens up so you’re always experiencing something new and exciting.
Scenting your bed sheets is a great way to enhance a sexual ambiance. Try the following:
The bed itself
Add a romantic canopy or tent, even if you’re not sleeping in a four-poster bed. You can simply hang it from the ceiling with eye hooks.
If you have plain-looking curtains, try spicing things up a bit by replacing them with billowy, lacy curtains. These look terrific, and if you have a quiet, low-speed fan in the room, the curtains will sway back and forth, creating a billowy motion.
Soundtrack your love life
Besides lighting, nothing creates an atmosphere and maintains the mood more than music. Make sure the entire stereo, not just the speakers, is in the bedroom. There’s nothing worse than leaving the room to change the CD.
Kick your romance quotient up a notch or two by burning your own playlist. If you want to go classical, you can’t go wrong with Making Out to Mozart, Shacking Up to Chopin, or Bedroom Bliss With Beethoven. If you want something more contemporary, try some of the seductive vibes in Ultra Chilled CDs.
Fragrances
Typically, a couple’s bedroom is fragrant with female scents—perfumes, sprays, and colognes. But in your case you should consider scenting the room with a more masculine scent. Specifically, lavender. French studies reveal that women respond more favorably to men in rooms scented with lavender.
Bedroom Don’ts
If you want your bedroom to be sexy, clean it. Laundry piled on the dresser, mountains of loose change, and dirty clothes on the floor are enough to make a Viagra pill go soft. Anything that doesn’t promote a romantic or relaxing atmosphere has to go, including...
Pictures
No photos of the family. When your partner yells “WHO’S YOUR DADDY!” he doesn’t want to be looking at a picture of your father. It’ll just confuse him.
And please, no pictures of ex-boyfriends. They’re okay for one-night stands, but if you actually know the name of the guy you brought home (a good sign you want to date him), then ditch the ex pics.
Pets
It’s okay to have an animal in the bedroom if it’s you on all fours. Otherwise, keep them out. Do you really want your cat coughing up a hairball when you reach the moment of truth? Or a dog that pokes you with a cold wet nose in an inappropriate spot? Close the door on Fido and Frida.
Clutter
Papers, clips, staplers, pens, dirty laundry, clean laundry, keys, spare change, please. Nothing kills a romantic mood faster than clutter. If you have a small bedroom, just eliminating clutter can make it look a lot bigger. Have a designated storage space (a decorative box for instance) for spare change, papers, and anything else that’s cluttering the room.
Miscellaneous items
Laundry: If it absolutely can’t go anywhere but the bedroom, at least keep it in a shut hamper without stray socks or sweaters hanging out of it.
Exercise equipment: Another bad idea in the bedroom. There is nothing romantic, relaxing, or soothing about something that looks like a medieval torture device NASA threw out of the shuttle.
Television: It’s a WMD—a weapon of mass distraction. Take it out of the room, unless you’re going to watch an erotic video together. If you can’t bring yourself to do it, how about a compromise? Hide your television (and other electronic equipment) inside a large armoire, so it doesn’t take away from the romantic look of your room.
Bedroom Do’s
There are three items you might consider putting in your bedroom:
An aquarium: It’s relaxing and adds a touch of nature.
A tabletop fountain or waterfall: Water is symbolic for renewal.
An upholstered bench: It tends to make the bed bigger and more inviting.
From Sensuality to Sexuality
Remember, there is a point to all this emphasis on sensuality. We are addressing the fact that your appearance anxiety interferes with your ability to feel pleasure in bed. Cultivating sensuality is a gag order on the monkey chatter. It trains your mind to take a backseat to your body. It keeps you in the moment and out of your thoughts.
Cultivating sensuality means training yourself to be aware of what your body likes. By giving yourself fully to the sensation of pleasure, you bypass your inner critic. By emphasizing the primacy of your senses, your body can reset the wiring in your mind. Remember, our first-order goal is to enhance your sense of well-being, which promotes sex, which reinforces well-being, which increases sexual desire. Cultivating sensuality on a daily basis will pull you into this reinforcement cycle, which ultimately takes the chatter out of the monkey.
When you allow your body to experience joy, you gain a better appreciation of it. You will do things for it the way it does things for you. The mind-body connection is a dance. You’ve been letting your mind take the lead, and all it’s done is step on toes, wrench backs, and move the wrong ways. It’s time to let your body take over for a little while. It’s a wonderful partner when you learn to follow its lead.