HOW TO TAKE YOUR MIND OFF YOUR BODY DURING SEX
“I’m so afraid my partner is going to lose his erection when he sees my body that I move around, cover up, or shut the lights so it won’t happen. I play hide-and-seek because I feel like the penalty for being ‘caught’ is complete physical and emotional abandonment.”
—Anna, 23, St. Louis, Mississippi
If I’ve done my job right, your body image hasn’t improved a single bit. But you’ve experienced clarity about your faulty assumptions and you’ve learned a lot about sensuality, how your body works, and now that you’re exercising and understand the power of contextual cues, you’re kind of looking forward to a little hanky-panky.
But there’s a problem. A big one. How can you be comfortable with sex if you’re still obsessed with the “flaws” in your body? The answer won’t make sense without first looking at how your anxiety gets expressed.
When Your Thoughts Get More Action Than Your Body
There you are, making love to the man you love, and all you can think about is whether your thighs are jiggling. Sometimes, you actually feel like you’ve left your body and see it as an independent observer. It’s called “spectatoring,” the phenomenon of observing yourself as a third person in the bedroom. As a “spectator” in your own sex life, you inspect, monitor, and evaluate yourself to the point that you pay more attention to your judgments than to your partner or to what you’re feeling. You’re the referee throwing red flags all over the bed. Yes, he feels good inside you, but is he noticing that jiggle in your thighs? Because you notice it. And that’s not all you notice. That faraway look in his eye? That’s not pleasure. He’s thinking of that new skinny girl from the gym! He wants to take you from behind? No way you’re letting him see your back fat! He wants you to orgasm? But that means you’d have to stop holding your stomach in!
Intrusive thoughts during sexual activity are the hallmark of appearance anxiety. It’s like you’re not even thinking; you’re being thought on. It’s hard to let go and sexually respond to a partner when you feel like your body’s on the auction block and the buyer is checking your hooves (among other things) to determine whether you’re worth buying.
You worry that your partner shares your awful judgments and you brace yourself for the cutting comment, the disgusted look, and the suggestion of a trial separation. The anticipatory anxiety seizes you up. You’re tense; you can’t feel much except relief when he finally climaxes.
The pain and anguish of “spectatoring” can lead to pleasure-blocking behavior that reinforces your negative body image. You “cloak” your body in darkness or camouflage the objectionable parts with clothing. You try to block your partner from seeing objectionable parts of your body or position yourself in ways that he can’t touch them. But mostly, you lie still because movement invites inspection.
Fortunately, there are several ways to get around “spectatoring” and the sacrifice of pleasure for judgment. It starts with a powerful tool that will teach your negative thoughts some manners.
The 25 Percent Factor
How do you measure the extent of a woman’s body dissatisfaction? It’s one thing to express dissatisfaction (“I hate my body”), quite another to measure it. One way researchers solved this dilemma was to conceptualize dissatisfaction as the discrepancy between perceived body size and true body size. This is commonly expressed as a “self-actual” discrepancy score.
This score is typically arrived at by measuring test subjects for BMI and then asking them to view an array of contour drawings, darkened silhouettes, or photographs of women’s bodies arranged from thin to obese. The test subjects then circle the figure they feel best represents their true size and shape. The researchers then measure the discrepancy between the test subject’s “actual” size and shape and their perception of it.
The results are as consistent as they are disconsolate: women significantly overstate the size and shape of their body.
Recently, a TV makeover show dramatized this type of “self-actual” discrepancy in live-action form. First, they take the measurements of eight or nine women of varying sizes and line them up in bras and panties, from thinnest to heaviest. The woman being “made over,” herself in bra and panties, is asked to walk by the models, assess them, and then place herself where she feels she belongs in the lineup.
Inevitably, she places herself between two women who are much bigger than she is. The host moves her to the right spot—between two much thinner women. The contestant, of course, is usually shocked and ritually accuses the host of simply trying to make her feel better.
Women have a very skewed, inaccurate view of what their bodies look like. They over-estimate the size and shape of their bodies by as much as 25 percent or more. And by “they,” of course, I mean you.
Twenty-five percent is a huge margin of error. The average 142-pound woman would have to gain 36 pounds to actually be 25 percent bigger. A woman wearing a size 12 would have to go up three dress sizes to be 25 percent heavier. A woman wearing a size 34 belt would have to wear a size 42 if she were 25 percent heavier.
How to Use the 25 Percent Margin of Error in Bed
Ladies, the woman walking in your mind is 25 percent heavier than the woman walking in your home. Those thighs? You may be right that they’re jiggling, but you’re wrong about how much. That stomach that’s pooching out? You may be right, but your math is wrong. Back fat? Not even close.
We’re going to use your inability to accurately gauge your shape and size as a powerful cudgel against your self-judgments. First, understand that there are three ways to have a relationship with a churning ocean. You can fight it (and drown). You can surrender to it (and drown). Or you can surf it (and live). We are going to use your 25 percent margin of error to surf the churning waves in your mind.
Every time you see a wave of negativity coming at you, use the 25 percent margin as a board and surf over it. Let’s say you’re in bed and it’s getting hot and heavy with your partner. But all those intrusive waves of negativity keep crashing around you. Here’s how you handle them:
Waves of Negative Thoughts |
Your 25 Percent Surfboard |
“My thighs are jiggling.” |
“Yeah, but they’re jiggling at least 25 percent less than I think they are.” |
“My stomach is pooching out so much!” |
“It’s pooching out 25 percent less than I think it is.” |
“My hips are so wide!” |
“They’re 25 percent narrower than what I believe.” |
“My breasts are sagging!” |
“I’m only 75 percent right.” |
[Insert your complaint here] |
[“It’s not nearly as bad as I believe it is. If I were put in a lineup of similar-size women I’d be embarrassed to find out how much I overestimate the size of my body or how unappealing I think it looks.”] |
Think of It as a 25 Percent Discount off Your Judgments
You can’t stop your negative thoughts, but you can take 25 percent off at the counter. No, it’s not going to eliminate your body shame, but it will give you perspective. Enough to keep your negative thoughts in check so that your body can say “mate.”
The wedge works because it’s not trying to convince you that you have Miss Model’s legs, Ms. Babe’s butt, or Mrs. MILF’s abs. It’s giving you just enough wiggle room to go forward; it’s taking off enough edge to keep you calm. You may not be able to countenance a big butt, but you can probably put up with a big butt minus 25 percent.
How much relief can a 25 percent margin buy you? Reducing your migraine by 25 percent still leaves you with a headache, but it’s enough to get you to the office. Reducing your jet lag by 25 percent still leaves you groggy, but it’s enough to let you sightsee. Reducing your anxiety by 25 percent still leaves you self-conscious, but it’s enough to let you experience more pleasure.
The Secret to Turning Off Your Mind in Bed
The 25 percent margin factor gets you in the door, but a better approach to sex will keep you in the room. You don’t realize it, but the way you’re having sex can escalate your appearance anxiety. It’s axiomatic in therapy circles that the attempt to solve a problem often exacerbates it, and my guess is that you are no exception to this rule.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d Like to Present...My Body!
From the time you were a little girl, you were conditioned to present yourself as a treasured object for visual inspection. Toddlers present themselves by twirling around in their new dress for Daddy. Little girls in leotards present their bodies at dance recitals. Teenage girls present their bodies at the beach. High school girls walk down the stairs and present their bodies to prom dates. Runway models present their bodies to fashion editors. Beauty pageant contestants present their bodies to judges. Brides present their bodies to grooms on the first night of their honeymoon. From pole dancers to porn stars, from swimsuit models to pool-side loungers, from college co-eds to TV anchors, every woman learns to present her body to a viewing audience.
You are conditioned to behave in a way that makes it easier for men to look at you. That’s why, without being conscious of it, you approach sex with the characteristics that make it easier to be observed and judged: Being passive. Being still. Being silent. Submitting. Following instead of leading. Receiving instead of giving. Being acted upon instead of acting. It’s much harder to conduct a visual inspection if the object being observed keeps moving, making distracting comments, creating diversionary energy, and not following your orders to turn around, bend over, and lean this way or that way so you can get a better look. There’s a reason Miss America contestants don’t move very much—it’s harder for the judges to evaluate them.
But wait, you say! You don’t present your body, you hide it. You cover it up, turn the lights off, and restrict yourself to sexual positions that conceal your body. Yes, but hiding requires you to use all the elements of an effective presentation: passivity, submissiveness, and silence. Hiding isn’t the opposite of presenting; it’s a form of it. Instead of presenting all of your body, you present some of it.
Being silent, still, and passive—requirements for hiding—seems logical to the body-conscious woman. After all, moving less, covering up more, and being quieter diverts attention away from your body, doesn’t it? Yes. For him. Not for you.
Silence, stillness, and passivity force you to withdraw from activity. Withdrawing leaves you with nothing else to focus on but your body. And because there isn’t, your attention cements to your appearance and multiplies your anxiety.
You’re in a loop you can’t get out of: silence, stillness, and passivity create more withdrawal, which channels your attention to your appearance, which feeds your anxiety. The anxiety prompts you to find better ways of covering and withdrawing, which further restricts your attention to your appearance. Pretty soon you expend so much energy and attention hiding and obsessing you can’t be fully present for pleasure.
Withdrawing forces you to pay more attention to your body, not less.
The answer isn’t to get a better body to present or find better ways to hide. It’s to do the opposite of what you’ve been doing. The answer to presentation is participation. Be active instead of passive. Be communicative instead of silent. Be engaged instead of submissive. The secret to managing your mind in bed is to:
Be a vehicle for pleasure rather than an object to be looked at.
Be active. Talk. Move. Engage. Interact. Exchange. The more proactive you are in bed, the less reactive you’ll be in your mind. It’s hard to concentrate on any thought, let alone negative ones, when you’re participating rather than withdrawing from an activity.
Move so you can stop being a sight to see and be a force to be felt.
From Presentation to Participation
Participation means getting involved and being engaged. It is contributing to an activity. Movement is the hallmark of activity because it creates energy. You don’t have to haul out a trapeze or dance the Zoomba. You just need to move in a way that creates energy. Don’t stay in a position for very long. Switch the way you kiss. Change the way you caress. Move right, fake left, run up the middle. Have sex Tivo style: Play...fast forward...slow motion...stop...rewind...play.
Get better in bed
Being active also means getting more out of giving pleasure than receiving it. That means learning how to give incomparable oral and unforgettable penetrative. Delight in making your partner’s socks fly off his feet. In the next few chapters I’ll show you tips and tricks guaranteed to keep you on the move, him on the edge, and your thoughts at bay.
Focus on your partner
You can’t “not think” about your body. But you can think about another one—his. What turns you on about his body? His shoulders? His chest? His penis? Concentrate on those body parts and how they make you feel. Position yourself so you can better see and touch them. Explore his body as if it were a newfound treasure. Lose yourself in him. The more attention you pay to his body, the less attention you’ll pay to yours. There’s an old saying that you can’t replace “A” with “not A.” You’ve got to replace it with “B.” You’re “A.” He’s “B.” Go see.
Start by paying attention to how he acts, what he says, how he breathes and the sounds he makes. Some women are shocked to find out that their partners are quite loud in bed. They’ve been so distracted by their internal dialogue of dissatisfaction that they didn’t realize how expressive their partners were.
Focus on the physical exchange
Pay attention to stimulus and response. Oooh, if you stroke him there, he moans and kisses you harder. What would happen if you stroked him here instead? Wow, that tongue feels good inside you. What would happen if you moved a little to the left? Oh, that’s perfect.
Talk
Compliment his body. Tell him what turns you on. Narrate the action. Whisper sweet nothings. Moan, groan, sigh. Talk dirty, talk back, talk sexy. Use your voice to get out of your head. You can learn the art of Tabasco Talk in a later chapter.
Focus on sensations
Use the skills you learned in cultivating sensuality. If you don’t like your thighs, fine, but what do the satin sheets underneath them feel like? Don’t like your stomach? That’s okay. What does it feel like when he lies on top of you? Is his skin soft or rough? Is he hairy or smooth?
How to Stop Freaking Out about Being Touched
Almost every woman experiences a Defcon 5 moment when her partner touches, grazes, or, God forbid, holds a body part she doesn’t like. It usually goes something like this: “Oh my god! He’s touching my belly fat. He can feel how fat I am! Lord help me! He’s. Touching. My. Fat!”
It can be an agonizing, catastrophic feeling—like he’s going to lose his erection, roll off you, and turn the TV on to take his mind off Nightmare on Bed Street.
Just for the record, you’re wrong. Men don’t touch body parts they don’t like. If he’s touching your thighs or your belly, it’s because he likes it. Male hands may be clumsy, but they are not dyslexic—they can see everything as it appears. They know exactly where they’re going, what they’re touching, and what they’re holding. I know you may be freaking out that he’s touching your belly, but he’s not. Men touch women’s parts because it turns them on.
Activate some double-duty rationality when he touches a forbidden zone. First, know we men move toward what we like and away from what we don’t. Know this, and take it for what it is: your body is a turn-on to him. Of course, knowing that your partner didn’t “accidentally” touch some perceived flaw—that he did it because he thinks it’s lovely—can only reduce your panic so far. You can go further by putting the 25 percent factor into play. Consciously remind yourself that whatever he’s touching is 25 percent smaller, tighter, and prettier than you give it credit for.
Still, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of panic. I want you to try a powerful technique that will significantly reduce the panic you feel when he touches an objectionable part of your body. It comes courtesy of my girlfriend Cynthia, who taught me a valuable lesson about touching and being touched. She’s a makeup artist who specializes in people who are facially disfigured by accidents and fires. As she talks about foundation and mascara with her clients, she does something completely unexpected—she puts down the eyeliner or whatever she’s holding and touches their faces in a soft, loving way.
Her clients often weep, for it’s the first time that anyone, let alone a stranger, touched their faces with such tenderness. “It’s shocking enough that I touch them in an area they consider repulsive,” says Cynthia, “but that I do it with love, without judgment or fear, is what makes it so emotional for them—and for me.”
I think you should take my girlfriend’s advice. Touch the parts of your body you don’t want guys to touch and send love through your hands. Try a five-minute experiment right now. Close your eyes and put both your hands on your belly. Let the judgments come—it’s not like you can stop them. After a minute or two you’ll notice the judgment ease up a bit. Feel the heat from your hands and visualize an amber glow emanating from them and surrounding your belly. Say “I forgive you for not being flat and I forgive myself for placing such unrealistic demands on you.” Send love through your hands the way Cynthia does for her clients. It is a moving experience that will transform the way you react to being touched in bed.
Managing Your Mind by Managing the Energy
Any activity that brings attention to your body is going to redline your body consciousness. Try walking past an attractive group of people in your bathing suit and see what happens. Sex, of course, is the mother of all anxiety-provoking activities. It requires you to disrobe in front of somebody who’s going to pay careful attention to your body.
Often this immobilizes you. The more you move the more he sees, and you don’t want that. So you discourage new positions, especially the ones that might highlight your perceived flaws. Pretty soon you’re still as a statue and that’s when you inadvertently create more of what you so spend so much energy avoiding—attention on your body. By withdrawing from sex you have nothing to focus on but your perceived flaws. That’s why the first step out of this trap is to be active in bed. Remember:
Be a vehicle for pleasure rather than an object to be looked at.
Being a vehicle rather than an object means you can drive your attention away from self-judgments to better lands—like your partner’s body, the sensations you create, and the ones you experience.
Move so you can stop being a sight to see and start being a force to be felt.