USING SEXUAL COMPETENCE TO BUILD BODY CONFIDENCE
“About the only time I can stop thinking about how my partner must be judging my body is when we’re kissing. Maybe it’s because his eyes are closed and he can’t see me, but I think it’s also because I know I’m a good kisser and it drives him insane when we make out. I feel powerful, knowing that I have that effect on him, and when that happens, I actually forget to be embarrassed by my body.”
— Linda, 25, Chapel Hill, North Carolina
I want to share a secret little known outside research circles. There’s a specific type of woman who rarely experiences body consciousness during sexual activity. I’d like to paint a picture of this woman, as taken from the studies: She wears a size 2 dress. And 4, 8, 10, 12, 14, 18, and sometimes 20. She’s in her twenties. And thirties, forties, and fifties. She’s single. Though in many cases, married. Often as not, she has kids. She tends to be pretty, but then again, not really.
You see, she’s every woman with one simple characteristic: she’s good in bed.
Researchers discovered that competence is incompatible with self-consciousness. As Dr. Michael Wiederman noted in a 2000 Journal of Sex Research study:
Women who viewed themselves as good sex partners were least concerned about their bodily appearance during physical intimacy, even when holding body size and body dissatisfaction constant.
It’s the last phrase that makes the conclusion so powerful: “even when holding body size and body dissatisfaction constant.” In other words, you don’t need to be satisfied with the way you look to stop body consciousness; you don’t have to lose weight to end the cycle of shame in the bedroom. When you can value yourself for something other than how you look, your attention focuses away from judging your body and onto the value it brings to the table. Or the bedroom, as the case may be.
This is an incontrovertible fact in the building of positive self-image: Skill slackens self-hate. Capacity crowds out critiques. Competence trumps self-consciousness. Competence in bed—mastering the art of giving pleasure—quiets the beehive of your buzzing negativity.
The Secret to Being Good in Bed
Think back to the most memorable sex you’ve ever had. What do you remember most—that thing he did with his tongue or the feeling of getting sucked into a vortex of sexual energy that made you temporarily forget your name?
Being good in bed isn’t just about technique. It isn’t about what you can do to him; it’s about where you can take him. It’s not that technique isn’t important; it’s just that it’s insufficient. Getting good at the mechanics makes you a skilled worker. Understanding how to shape passion into a give-and-receive union makes you a sublime lover. So before we dive into techniques, let’s paddle around this passion thing.
Passion is a funny thing. You can’t teach it because it’s not a skill. You can’t acquire it because it’s not a possession. And you can’t learn it because there are no instructions. Like the wind, you can’t see it but you can feel it.
While you can’t “teach” passion, you can learn how to set the stage for you to express it in your own unique way. If passion has one defining characteristic, it’s energy. Movement. Action. Convergence.
By movement I don’t mean sexual calisthenics—setting up a trapeze, swinging from the chandeliers, and diving into pillowed mosh pits. There’s nothing wrong with that, but passion defines movement as something that builds and resolves anticipation. Movement that creates the unexpected. Movement that travels from dissonance to harmony. It can be subtle, silent, or loud. It can make you shiver, sigh, or scream. It can pull you down like a whirlpool, suck you up like a tornado, or waft you aloft on a magic carpet.
Consider the passionate kiss:
He stops an inch before your lips. The space between crackles with anticipation. He doesn’t back up. He doesn’t move forward. You’re caught in his tease. Your heart climbs the stairs. He leans in. Your lips part and...
This is sexual energy in motion: It holds a chord and waits for the resolving note. It pushes you to the brink and pulls you back just in time to push you again. It has an upward trajectory, transferring from one partner to the other. Movement is passion’s starting point. It can be subtle (an unresolved kiss) or explicit (throwing each other around like rag dolls).
Let’s do an experiment. Think your worst thought about your body. Got it? Okay, now really concentrate on that thought as you follow my directions: Rub your hands together as fast as you can for ten seconds. Notice the tingling sensation when you stop? That’s movement creating energy, which manifests as heat. Now where did that awful thought of yours go? Poof! Movement creates energy that makes thoughts disappear.
Now, with passion as the backdrop, let’s get back to skills. Being good in bed doesn’t mean knowing every position in the Kama Sutra. It’s combining sexual energy (movements characteristic of passion) with pleasure-giving skills. Remember, bedroom competence creates body confidence. Your goal is to get so good at sex that the laziest guy on earth would take one look at you and say, “You make me want to get a job.”
Giving Unforgettable Oral
Can I tell you a secret about men? We are alarmingly overattached to our penises. In fact, we love listening to “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands” when we pee. You can make your partner feel like he’s got the whole galaxy in his hands with the right kind of oral. Unfortunately, a lot of women agreed with Mink Stole when she delivered her classic line in John Waters’ film, Female Trouble: “I wouldn’t suck your lousy dick if I was suffocating and there was oxygen in your balls!” This is, to say the least, unhelpful. Typically, women have three major objections to giving oral—taste, smell, and discomfort—all of which are easy to, ahem, overcome. Throw your guy in the shower, find positions that don’t choke you, and concentrate on what the penis represents—the essence of your partner’s masculinity.
Even women who like (or don’t mind) going down on a guy tend to give what a friend calls “Ukrainian blowjobs”—well-meaning, but dull. That might be because they don’t know that giving great oral requires three things: moisture, speed, and friction. Success starts with saliva. The most natural way of generating it is to bite into a sour apple or suck on a hard candy. Notice how it makes you drool? It’s your body’s way of fighting off the acidity in the mouth (the saliva dilutes it). Of course, you don’t want to bring apples into the bedroom, so try this instead: visualize biting into a lemon.
Your hand is the next most important thing. You need to deliver three things with it: friction, pressure, and speed.
Use your hand as an extension of your mouth. Do this: Make a fist and punch yourself in the chest. Your knuckles should be touching your chest, with your thumb facing toward you. That’s your starting position. With your hand in that position, twist/stroke on the way down and stroke/twist on the way up. You’re basically doing a corkscrew motion as you wet him with a constant stream of saliva. Your mouth may give him moisture and heat, but it doesn’t give him pressure and friction. That’s what the hand is for.
If you can get these basics down—moisture with your mouth, and speed, pressure, and friction with your hand—you’re well on your way to mastery. Then it’s a matter of add-ons, like pretending there’s oxygen in his balls and making your attempts sound like half-price day at the liposuction center.
Remember, talent without passion makes you a skilled laborer. Think about why you love his penis, not just what you can do with it or to it. Is it the thrill of feeling him get hard in your mouth? The power to arouse him? The feeling of submission when you look up at his eyes? Its strength and hardness? The masculinity of its smell and feel? How it can dominate you? Is it the sheer novelty of seeing and feeling a part of him you don’t ordinarily see? The anticipation of bathing it with your mouth before it’s inserted into your body?
Without thinking about, acting on, and expressing these feelings, you’re just going through the motions. Get in touch with why giving oral is pleasurable for you, and you’ll be able to combine skill with passion to create a memorable experience. When it comes to sex, it’s better to suck at something you love than to excel at something you don’t.
Stake your position
It’s hard to give pleasure when you’re in pain. The most common position—your partner on his back with you kneeling between his legs—is unsustainable because it’s so uncomfortable. The best positions are the ones that support you while giving access to a big part of your partner’s body. For example, he’s on his back to your left. You sit up and put your left arm over and across his belly (so your armpit is snug against his sides). Your back is to him but you have a grand view of his manhood. The weight of your lower body is being supported because you’re lying down while your left arm anchors you. Or you can sit on the bed while he stands. Or prop up your pillows and lie back on them as if you were reading a book. Have him straddle you. Men love some version of this position because they like seeing things go in and out and in and out—and did I mention in and out?
The point isn’t necessarily to give you an endless list of positions; it’s to emphasize your comfort. You will never get good at any aspect of sex if you don’t find a position where you’re comfortable enough to do your best work.
Being playful with a mouthful
Giving oral can be active or receptive. Both have their joys, but being active is particularly useful to keep the self-judging hounds at bay. For example, sit on the edge of the bed with him standing in front of you so you’re eye to eye with his third eye. Now practice the alphabet with your tongue. Do the easiest letters first: M and W. Start at the bottom of his right testicle, go up, trace an “M” on his crotch, and finish at his left testicle. Go from right to left, then from left to right, a few times. Then do the W. Always make sure to touch his body with your hands—stroke his inner thighs, the outer legs, his stomach, chest, and buttocks. Think of it as giving him a 360-degree sensurround experience.
An equally playful version is something called “paint the canvas.” Pretend your tongue is the brush, his crotch is the canvas, and your saliva is the paint. First, you’re Van Gogh—painting swirls around his testicle and inner thighs. Then you’re Monet, putting wet pointy kisses all over his perineum, working your way up to his penis. Then you’re...well, who’s your favorite artist?
Master the basics and everything else comes together
These recommendations aren’t meant to be a full catalog of the things you can do to be a better lover. We’re covering the basics because if you don’t get that right, nothing else matters. Remember, there’s only one way to get good at something: practice. Once you feel more confident, you can add a little more creativity in the following ways:
Pressure point pleasures
You’re kneeling between his legs. You spread his legs apart but with his knees bent toward his chest. You hold his penis in your wet mouth, bobbing gently while your hands find the middle of his hamstring muscles. Gently press one or two fingers into each hamstring. Move the pressure point to the left and right and press. Gently at first and then with increasing pressure (but never enough to hurt). In many men, activating a pressure point while receiving oral is a signature, unforgettable pleasure.
The sloppy diamond
Put your partner on his back at the edge of the bed where you can kneel and have access to his whole body. Picture a line drawn from his penis to his right nipple to his mouth to his left nipple and back to his penis. That’s the diamond path your mouth will travel.
Start by sucking the head of his penis gently, maybe two or three bobs, then go to his right nipple and suck on it two or three times. Then go for his mouth and give him two or three very wet kisses. Following the diamond line, go to his left nipple and back to his cock.
What’ll really make him grab the sheets is when you start varying how you go down the diamond path of his hot zones. For instance, going from his penis to his mouth back and forth, ignoring his nipples. The inability to predict builds anticipation. So be unpredictable. While you’re traveling down the diamond path with your mouth, your hands are free to double his pleasure. You can, for example, put a left-hand finger in his mouth while stroking his balls with your right. While kissing him you could caress his face. While sucking on his nipples you could stroke his inner thighs. Either way he’s going to go radioactive with pleasure.
The sloppy diamond is a great example of what I meant by participation in the last chapter. When you withdraw by being passive and still, there is nothing to pay attention to but your anxious thoughts. When you’re engaged, active, moving, concentrating on your partner’s body, building a skill, noticing reactions, and changing directions, the only thought you’re going to pay attention to is your next move.
From Bada Bing to Bada BANG!
The single most important thing you can do during intercourse is to express your love for it. Intercourse is an exchange of energy, passion, and love. It is not a deposit from him to you; it’s an exchange. It’s not about what’s inserted into you but what it brings out of you. Think of it as active reception. You are taking as much as you’re giving. Nothing ruins a man’s enjoyment more than a bored-looking woman lying still while he bangs away like a buck-toothed nanny goat. Do not look at the ceiling and wonder how it would look in beige. Your job as a good lover is to use movement and sound to amplify energy and passion.
Oooh, ahhh, huff, puff, gasp!
Be noisy. Scream, moan, talk, laugh (but not at him). There is no energy without movement. Go right, fake left, bend low, go up the middle. Get into it. Zing, zip, rest, start over. Not feeling it? Fake it. Not for him, for you. The more you lie still, the more you become an object to be looked at. And that, as you know, is the fear that drives you to avoid sex or put conditions on it. There is only one thing to do with a statue: visually inspect it. But there are many things to do with a woman who expresses her delight with movement. I’m not saying you should become a trampolining, cheerleading banshee in bed, but you do need to move and make sounds that feel right to you. If that’s a problem, start with a low moan, a little wiggling, and work your way up. It isn’t volume or the level of motion that counts: it’s the depth of your physical involvement.
Connect with him in meaningful ways. You are not simply giving him your vagina: you are giving him his masculinity, his virility, his worth. Express this gift-giving joy in physical ways that are meaningful to you. Raise your hips to greet his thrusts, lift your pelvis to welcome his penis, put your emotional state on external speaker. Expend energy. There’s love in the air. Breathe it in. And remember this always: Statues get stares. Movers get love.
The Three Most Important Factors That Make Intercourse Enjoyable for a Man
Wetter, hotter, tighter makes men harder, harder, harder. The pleasure of your vagina’s lubrication, warmth, and fit will make him incapable of thought. Let’s start with lubrication. Are your juices flowing? Some women can get wet at the thought of water; others can’t seem to turn the faucet on. The propensity for self-lubrication varies from woman to woman. It is not true that a lack of adequate lubrication is a sign that you’re not attracted to your partner or that there’s something wrong with you.
If you can’t get your wet on, check out a couple of possibilities. Start by looking at your medicine cabinet. Lots of medicines cause vaginal dryness. There are other factors, too—hormone levels, stress, diet, sleep, drugs, and lack of exercise. And, of course, being shut down about sex because you’re obsessed about the way your body looks.
Estrogen is a major factor in vaginal self-lubrication. The more you have, the wetter you’ll get. Estrogen levels fluctuate during the menstrual cycle, and that’s why you’ll notice different amounts of lubrication throughout the month. Unfortunately, there are no pills or medication (other than hormone replacement therapy) to help you produce more lubrication.
Still, there are a few things you can do to get your fountains working. Self-generated lubrication is a reaction to arousal. You may simply need more nonsexual touching, kissing, and fondling to get you going. Men are like rockets—all we need is a launching pad and we hit the heavens. Women, on the other hand, are more like airplanes. You need a long tarmac to make a gradual ascent. You get higher and stay aloft longer than men; you just don’t get there as quickly. So give yourself a break—slow everything down and make foreplay last a little longer. That, of course, is more of a problem for him than it is for you. There’s a reason men don’t blink during foreplay—they don’t have time. Still, you can slow down Speedy Gonzalez by guiding his hands and communicating your needs.
Next, masturbate more often. It primes the pump. Having sex regularly fuels and trains your body to self-lubricate more easily.
If all else fails, use a water-based lube. Use it well, use it often, but mostly, use a lot of it. When it comes to lube, nothing succeeds like excess. Your natural lubrication may not make it all the way up to your clitoris, so be sure to include the area.
I’m emphasizing lubrication because it drives men insane with pleasure. Your lubrication is his limousine to the asylum. Test time: Dry your lips completely and run a finger over them lightly. Now lick your lips and do it again. Which is more sensual? Wet sex is hot sex.
If wetter is better, then tighter is righter
How tight is tight? Well, you don’t want your vagina putting his penis in a headlock, but at the same time, he should be able to feel you down the whole length of his penis. It should feel like a glove—snug but easy to get into. The best way to keep your vaginal glove tight and right is to exercise your pelvic floor muscles.
Studies show that weak and deconditioned muscles not only interfere with vaginal friction (the tight fit that men dream about), but also withhold blood flow to the area. In particular, a weak ischiocavernous muscle, which attaches to the clitoral hood, can depress genital arousal and inhibit orgasm. The good news is that studies show you can greatly improve vaginal elasticity, muscle tone, and blood flow through Kegel exercises, which contract and release the pelvic floor muscles.
First, find your pelvic floor muscles. They’re the muscles you use to stop urinating. The basic exercises are the “flutter” (tighten and let go quickly) and the “pinch and hold” (tighten and don’t let go till you count to fifteen; as you get better, hold it for longer). You need to work up to a couple hundred reps a day for a few weeks before you notice the effects. To get the best of your Kegel exercises, don’t do them all while sitting or standing: try lying on your back or side or while squatting. Different positions help give your muscles better tone.
You’ll know your vaginal walls are strengthening when his penis begins to feel thicker and larger inside of you. Now, clearly, once you get fully lubricated and excited you will loosen up. Use the “flutter” and “pinch and hold” exercises to give him an extra treat when he’s inside you. It’ll feel like you’re giving his penis a massage.
Friction addiction
Keeping your vagina strong and supple allows you to create a delicate blend of pressure, friction, and tightness that will dilate his pupils as well as his penis. Think of your vagina as the personal masseur to his penis. Hold him deep inside with your muscles. Push him in provocatively. Push him out erotically. Contract. Release. Quickly. Slowly. Sensually.
Sexual Competence Builds Bedroom Confidence
Commit to competency. When you become a vehicle for pleasure, you stop being an object to be evaluated. By focusing on what your body can do rather than what it can look like, you bypass anxiety’s awful, life-sucking energy.
Confidence is the wake left by competence. Women who are good lovers, women who are competent in bed, develop a sense of control and wisdom about their bodies. They’re more confident about their bodies because their self-judgment now includes competence and mastery as well as appearance.
Low confidence and low competence tend to go together. The anxiety you have over what your body looks like will wither when you stop waiting for confidence and start building it with competence.
Remember, your goal isn’t to feel good about your body. It’s to feel good about what your body can do. The route to confidence is competence, not thinness. The ability to give a man pleasure changes the way he looks at you. He will be filled with gratitude, admiration, and respect for all of you, not just your body. He will feel more emotionally connected, spiritually bonded, and physically attracted to you. This ability to enhance the quality of your relationship—this competence—not only straps a rocket to the back of your confidence, but also dramatically improves your overall sense of well-being, which, as you know, is more important than body image in creating a fulfilling sex life.