TABASCO TALK VS. NEGATIVE TALK
“I’m a naturally talkative person but not in bed. As soon as we get naked, all I can think about is what my partner thinks of my body. The shame silences me.”
— Barbara, 26, Tulsa, Oklahoma
Let’s do a test: I want you to think about a part of your body you don’t like while reading aloud this sexual passage in Toni Morrison’s Beloved:
As soon as one strip of husk was down, the rest obeyed and the ear yielded up to him its shy rows, exposed at last. How loose the silk. How quick the jailed-up flavor ran free. No matter what all your teeth and wet fingers anticipated, there was no accounting for the way that simple joy could shake you. How loose the silk. How fine and loose and free.
It’s hard to hold on to the negative thought, isn’t it? Talking about one subject while thinking about another is like trying to have an interesting conversation while you’re watching a repeat of a dreadful show—you’re going to pay a lot more attention to the new dialogue than the old monologue. Erotic talk—verbalizing all aspects of your sexual experience—doesn’t leave much space for your inner dialogue. Here’s why: Talking is participating, and participating gives your obsessive mind something else to focus on other than your appearance.
Erotic talk isn’t just a diversion from your thoughts, of course. Just like talking about a delicious meal can make it tastier, erotic talk can make sex more appetizing.
What Does Talking Sexy Mean?
Most people think “talking dirty” is a vulgar, in-your-face, prison-style accounting of what you want to do behind closed doors. But it’s just as often a delicate, tender expression of your love. Talking erotically means different things in different contexts. It can deepen love or heighten lust. It can help you access sexual fantasies, express your emotional bond, or simply reveal all that is naughty within you. It can be an observation you make of your partner’s body, a compliment of his lovemaking, a narrative of what’s going on, a preview of coming attractions, an anticipatory exclamation, a sigh, a moan, or a cry. It’s an expression of what you like, a communication of what you want, or an appreciation of what was delivered. It’s the language of love and it can rise to the sky or descend to the gutter. It can be aggressive or tame, naughty or nice, instructive or illuminating. It is many things but it is always expressive.
Erotic talk starts before the clothes come off and doesn’t end until you pull the sheets over you. As you can see below, sexy talk brightens every phase of the sexual experience:
Presex
“I love running my fingers through your hairy chest.”
“You have amazing hands.”
“I want to kiss every inch of you.”
Foreplay
“I love watching your penis get hard.”
“I love it when you do that.”
“Do you like it when I touch myself here?”
Sex
“You taste so good I could do this forever.”
“You feel so good sliding in and out of me.”
“I love the sounds you make when you come.”
Postsex
“That was amazing.”
“Hold me closer, I want to absorb everything we just did.”
“Have I told you lately how much I love you?”
Talking dirty doesn’t have to be dirty. As you can see, there’s a lot more to it than the lunatic ravings of a horny junkyard dog (although there is much to say for that, too). Learning the art of sexy talk is easy. All you have to do is...
Notice the sensations in your body. Express them.
Ask for what you want. Talk about it.
Anticipate how good it’s going to feel. Breathe heavy.
Think about your fantasy. Voice it.
Notice his body. Compliment him.
Does it feel good? Tell him.
Do you like the way he’s touching you? Moan.
Are you getting wet? Groan.
Are you close? Announce it.
Erotic talk is about reflecting, creating, or intensifying passion through sounds and words. It’s caressing your lover with language. Erotic talk is an important part of rebuilding your sex life because...
Staying in the moment keeps you from staying in your judgments.
Staying present is a big challenge for body-conscious women. Seizures of self-judgment colonize your attention to the point that you can’t be in the here and now. Talking is a powerful way of preventing your mind from wandering into toxic terrain because it forces you to stay in the moment. Besides, it makes sex fire on all five cylinders. Sex is terrific with taste, touch, sight, and smell, but talk brings it all together. A four-cylinder engine will take you where you want to go, but adding a fifth will get you there quicker and the ride will be more memorable.
Passionate sex is about creating and releasing energy. Talking is energy—in the form of noise vibrating in distinct patterns and pitches. You don’t just hear sound, you feel it. There’s scientific backing for this. Speaking or hearing sexually charged words is known to spike dopamine transmissions in brain chemistry, triggering sexual excitement.
Erotic talking is a release of pent-up energy. It gives voice to our innermost desires in ways that our bodies can’t. It creates energy not just by the physical vibration or your emotional intent, but by prompting your partner to respond. Energy feeds on energy. Every word you say builds a step your partner climbs up on. And everything he says builds a step for you to rise. Keep climbing. Heat rises. Sometimes words get in the way, but other times they pave the way.
When You’re Too Shy to Try
A lot of women find it hard to be verbally expressive in bed because, well, they don’t think of themselves as that kind of girl. The fear of being branded a slut, of being judged for being so forward, for acting against your own self-image, or simply being scared of saying something truly lame is enough to treat the bedroom like a library, where even loud shirts are frowned upon. Whether you’re a demure twentysomething, a sophisticated career woman, or a sweet-natured mother of two, talking dirty can seem off-target, like it’s meant for another type of woman.
Of course, being self-conscious about your body adds another layer of reticence. Will talking sexy attract more unwanted attention? How do you express yourself erotically when you hardly want to be in bed in the first place? What if you’re usually silent in bed? Exactly how should you proceed? Slowly. You can’t go from somebody who never utters a peep to somebody who yells, “Drill me with that axis of evil between your legs!”
First, never say that. Second, if you’re in a relationship with a guy who’s so uptight he could crack nuts with his butt cheeks, it might be wise to let him know in advance that you want to talk sexy. Otherwise, you will define awkwardness for the next generation and provoke suspicion to boot. (“Where did she learn that kind of talk? Is she cheating on me?” “Where did she get that awful line?”)
That said, most guys love Tabasco Talk. Why do you think they spend $3.99 a minute to hear it? You most likely don’t have to warn him it’s coming, especially if you start slowly and gradually work up to more earthy, lusty language.
The First Step to Becoming Bed-Lingual
Start by observing him. What words does he use? What sounds does he make? Does he sigh or moan? When? Is it loud or soft? What effect does it have on you? What words does he repeat? What’s your reaction? Shock? Dismay? Arousal?
Pay attention. Notice. Observe. Then mirror his sounds. If he moans, moan with him. If he breathes hard, breathe hard with him. You’re probably already doing this without knowing it. Romantic partners subconsciously mirror each other’s body language.
If you truly don’t make a sound in bed, following your partner’s sounds will help, but keep in mind that there’s a difference between mirroring and aping. If his moans are deep and guttural, make yours a little shallower and high-pitched. If his are long, make yours short. Mirroring ping-pongs the energy higher and higher. Aping just makes him feel like you’re mocking him.
What if you’re not feeling anything strongly enough to moan or groan? That isn’t hard to imagine for body-conscious women because if you’re suffering with low libido or low sensation then you might not feel anything too intensely. But you’re most likely feeling something and you can certainly give verbal expression to that.
If you feel funny about moaning or groaning for a feeling that isn’t there (or a feeling you don’t think justifies a sound), do it anyway because the act of moaning or sighing can create the feeling or make it grow stronger. Just because you don’t feel it doesn’t mean you can’t get yourself to. Remember, you may not be hungry but the smell of a good hot dog can make you put the whole thing in your mouth. A little acting, a little effort, and whoa! Where did that orgasm come from? Get comfortable with sounds, and you’ll get comfortable with words. Once it’s easy for you to sigh, purr, or cry out, you’re ready for the next step.
Develop your own code words
If you’ve got a bad case of verbal performance anxiety or you’re too afraid you’re going to end up saying something ridiculous (“axis of evil!”), develop a code for words you find difficult to say. For example, you could say, “Can we do my favorite thing?” to indicate missionary style. “Tease me” could be a stand-in for oral sex. And “My turn” could stand for, well, your crack at whatever he was doing.
I want to verb your noun
It’s not what you say but that you say. As you get more comfortable with making sounds and forming words during lovemaking, it’s time to get a little more explicit. But first, let’s practice. Find your favorite passages from the erotica that you’ve hopefully already gone out and bought. Read it out loud to yourself first so you can get the hang of it and won’t feel so self-conscious when you’re with your partner.
When you’re ready to go solo, keep in mind that talking sexy is supposed to be fun. You’re merely expressing your sexuality with words. If you think you’ve got to come up with something flowery, stop. Back up. Let me introduce you to the first rule of Tabasco Talk: no poetry. Any word with more than two syllables is a word with too many syllables.
A great way to ease into the process is to practice on the phone when you’re out of town. Some women find it easier because there’s no eye contact, and the distance provides an emotional buffer. Another good way to get comfortable with naughty words is to play a word game I call Naughtirati. Your partner draws naughty words on your naked back and you guess what they are. Be playful. This isn’t serious. It’s fun. And wet, too, if your partner draws the words with his tongue. Can you guess what he’s writing? Louder, I can’t hear you!
Okay, so we started with mirroring the sounds your partner makes in bed, then to developing code words, then to reading erotica passages out loud to yourself, then to guessing what naughty words your lover drew on your back. Now you’re ready for....
The Erotic Appreciation Exercise
Simply notice something about his body that you like and say something about it (“I like the shape of your penis when it’s completely hard”). Then say something about his style of lovemaking. Like, “I love the way your kisses automatically make my nipples erect.” It’s simple, really. Notice something you like about your partner and tell him. All you’re doing is putting your thoughts on external speaker. If you feel a little awkward, try whispering it in his ear.
Narrate the action
The next step is to describe what’s happening. Is he stroking your thighs? Then say something like, “I love the way you touch the inside of my leg.” Do you want to go down on him? Then say, “I really want to go down on you.” Describe what you’re doing and feeling. Remember: it doesn’t matter what you say, only that you say it.
Sensual listening
Your partner isn’t exactly going to be silent when you start talking, and he deserves the same kind of openness and acceptance you’d like from him. Instead of trying to decide whether your partner’s utterances are appropriate, silly, cliched, or offensive, judge them by their power to arouse you. This is important because words are aphrodisiacs, and if there’s something that he says or the way he says it that turns you on, you need to respond positively so he knows to keep saying it in the future.
By the same token, if there’s something that’s offensive, you need to tell him that, too. I had a girlfriend who finally had the nerve to ask her boyfriend to talk dirty to her, and he ended up calling her a dirty whore every time they made love. Not exactly what she was hoping for. Remember the universal law of questions: If you want something, ask for it. If you want something stopped, ask for that, too.
What Not to Say in Bed
Desires shouldn’t be demands. It’s one thing to ask for something, another to make it sound like a requirement. If you want to cause a firm case of situational impotence, you can’t do any better than saying things that sound like you want a command performance.
For example, if your partner has problems with premature ejaculation, telling him that you want to make love for hours on end is going to feel like a lot of pressure. Your words are meant to entice and provoke, not threaten.
Engage the Erotic Feedback Loop
Energy requires dialogue, not monologue. Amp it up by responding to the things he says or does. If he says, “I love putting it all inside you,” you can say, “Me too, especially when you slide it in and out of me so slowly.” Not only are you creating more energy, but you’re also giving him erotic feedback—knowledge he can use to turn you on in the future.
The erotic feedback loop is an important part of talking sexy. You’re not just taking turns speaking—you’re creating an energy spiral. The more excitement you show, the more he’ll want to excite you. You say something that turns him on, he responds with something that turns you on, and suddenly you’re booked on an interplanetary flight.
Using sounds and words to indicate pleasure engages your partner in an erotic loop of sexual communication. Here’s what happens when you don’t engage:
Your partner kisses a hot spot for you—behind your ears.
You don’t say a word or utter a sound, even though you like it.
He moves away from your hot spot and kisses a cold spot.
Here’s what happens when you do engage:
Your partner kisses a hot spot—behind your ears.
You sigh and say, “Look at the goose bumps you’re giving me.”
He says, “Wow, I love what this does to you" and pays more attention to the spot.
You try to wriggle free and say, “Stop, I can’t take much more of that.”
Your partner moans, says, “Really....” and intensifies the feeling with gentle wet kisses.
You try to wiggle away, but he won’t let you. And just as you surrender to the feeling, he blows softly in your ear and heats it with the warmth of his tongue. You say, “You’re making me wet.”
And it’s a race to see who can tear off their clothes first...
This is how talking sexy ignites the erotic loop. You make a sound or say something. Your partner responds. His acknowledgement of your arousal arouses you. Your excitement excites him and soon you’re both sucked up into a vortex of pleasure.
Verb Me! Verb Me Now!
Using coded words and couched language in place of graphic talk is fine, but it’s a little like pedaling a bicycle to the party when you’ve got the keys to the Kawasaki. They’ll both get you there, but only one will rock your world. Lusty carnal desires should be expressed with language equal to its intensity. Vrrooooom!
“Dirty” words are a funny thing. What offends you in day-to-day conversation may please you in the heat of passion. You’d be offended if you bumped into a stranger who called you a cunt, but you might be aroused if your partner said he wanted your cunt in the middle of a steamy session.
So how should you start? I’m not going to put words in your mouth—that would be unsanitary. You have no idea where my words have been. But more importantly, it doesn’t matter what you say but the authenticity with which you say it. What’s your truth? All you’ve got to do is state it. The objective isn’t creativity, it’s conductivity. How much heat can you conduct? There is no such thing as a must-use line (well, there is one, but that’s later in the chapter).
If graphic sex talk still makes you uncomfortable, cloak the harsher, more startling phrases into warm, sensual questions or statements. For instance, instead of saying, “I want you to fuck me,” you could say things like:
I want to feel you moving inside me.
Can you feel how wet and warm you’ve gotten me?
How to Overcome Self-Censorship
There’s really only one thing that’s stopping you from talking graphically in bed—you haven’t given yourself permission to do it. Think of talking sexy as slipping into a new persona—the way you’d slip into a dress. Every woman knows how ditching warm-up pants for a sexy cocktail dress with (hopefully) a pair of Christian Louboutins can completely change your perspective. Talking dirty is like that. You’re trying on a new outfit. And just as wearing a corporate suit doesn’t make you a stuffed shirt, talking dirty doesn’t make you a tramp. Talking sexy can be a reflection of who you are or who you never let out. Give yourself permission for a wardrobe change.
The Hottest Thing You Can Ever Say to a Guy
I lied. I said I wouldn’t give you specific lines to use in bed. Well, there’s one. Every survey that asks men what they like to hear women say in bed puts this phrase at the top of the charts:
I’m coming.
Part of the appeal is obvious: men get pleasure out of seeing your pleasure. Your partner wants to feel like a man, and nothing bears witness to his masculinity more than bringing you to orgasm. Okay, maybe he didn’t bring you to orgasm, but he was in the room when it happened, and to the male ego it’s the same thing.
Your orgasm is proof of his sexual powers. Saying “I’m coming” is a bit like playing “The Star Spangled Banner” before he receives the Olympic gold medal—it amps up the pivotal moment of victory. For attentive lovers who know that women should finish first, your announcement also signals permission that he can now come whenever he wants.
How to Say It in a Sexy Voice
Earlier I said it’s not what you say but that you say. I’d like to amend that—it’s also how you say it. The quality of your voice is as important as the content of your words. With the right voice we can get turned on by people reciting the alphabet. But what exactly are the qualities of a sexy voice, and how can you bring it forth and put your own personal stamp on it?
Most of us associate a sexy voice with deep, rich, throaty, husky sounds. There’s a reason for that—it’s what your voice sounds like after an orgasm. Experts call it the “postcoital voice” because the effects of an orgasm—the release of muscle tension, the change in hormones—move your breathing away from your chest and onto your diaphragm.
So, how can you re-create that “postcoital voice” in the bedroom? By practicing diaphragmatic breathing. You’ll not only feel more calm and relaxed, but you’ll also cultivate the rich, deep, husky sounds we associate with a sexy voice.
If you’re like most people, you’re a “high-chest” breather (your shoulders rise when you breathe). This can raise the larynx, set your whole vocal mechanism out of whack, and cause you to sound tense, rushed, and—frankly—a little irritating. By practicing diaphragmatic breathing (belly breathing), you can subtly and sometimes dramatically change your speaking voice.
So where’s your diaphragm? Lie on your back (preferably on the floor). Notice how you’re breathing. It’s most likely from the chest. Place a small book on your stomach. Breathe in a way that moves the book up and down. That’s diaphragmatic breathing. Remember this feeling, the breathing pattern, and activate it when you talk.
Another way to identify diaphragmatic breathing is to put your hand on your belly when you first wake up. It’s natural to breathe with your belly. It’s only when we wake and get all anxious that we shift the breathing to our chests.
Practice your postcoital voice by speaking as you expel breath with your belly. It will naturally lower the volume and the register of your voice. Here’s a cool way to jump-start the process: Say the “h” in “he” without pronouncing the “e.” Say something else within a second of starting the h sound and you’ll be amazed at how it lowers the pitch of your voice.
Free Yourself from the Surly Bonds of Silence
Silence is a form of withdrawal that frees you to focus on perceived flaws. Talking is a form of participation that reduces the opportunity to self-focus. Talking sexy is all about participation and “energy management”—the ability to create, monitor, and master sexual energy. It can make you feel like the world is speeding up or ending more slowly. It heightens anticipation, magnifies sensations, and intensifies orgasms. It can also give your anxious thoughts a serious case of amnesia. By provocatively communicating your desires and expressing your love, you silence self-judgment and give voice to the depth, richness, and variety of your erotic feelings.
Talking sexy also improves your competency in bed. Men love to hear women talk dirty, and because they do, it’s an important part of being a good sex partner—a critical goal for you because competency creates confidence, which kills judgment.
Think of talking in bed as caressing your lover with words. Entice, excite, enchant. Don’t be captive to silence. Free your tongue, the zest will follow.