12

PLAYING WITH POWER

“I wish I could just press the stop button and enjoy sex the way I used to before I gained all this weight. Now, all I do is hide, avoid, or make excuses. I feel disconnected from my body and my husband.”

—Jessica, 37, Seattle, Washington

As you saw earlier, fantasy operates a busy transportation hub in your mind, capable of projecting you to its different territories without so much as an overnight bag. Well, there’s a second, related hub that can take you deeper underground where the treasure is buried—playing with power.

You play with power all the time, you just never labeled it that way. If you like to be pinned under your guy, you’ve experienced the thrill of submitting to power. If you like holding him down, you’ve experienced the thrill of wielding it. It’s not possible to have sex without some kind of power exchange. At one moment or another you are wielding or yielding.

If you’re doing missionary, you are surrendering yourself to him. If you’re on top guiding the speed and depth of his thrusts, you’re controlling him. If you dig your nails into his back, you’ve inflicted pain. If he does it, you’ve had pain inflicted on you. If you’ve liked a massage that almost hurts, you’ve experienced a pleasurable aspect of pain. If you’ve given one, you’ve experienced the satisfaction of administering it.

Just because you’re not conscious of how you relate to and enjoy power doesn’t mean you’re not experiencing it. In fact, the only difference between power playing and structured power playing is awareness and intent. For example, you might not have intended to have your partner spank you when you got into that playful wrestling match. And you might not have been aware that the pleasant sensations you experienced came from yielding to his power.

With structured power playing, on the other hand, you come at it with awareness and intent. You become aware that you like to be lightly spanked (or do the spanking), get your partner’s agreement to participate, and create the environment for a satisfying experience. It is an organized, systematic attempt at creating the power sensations you’re drawn to.

You Have No Choice but to Submit

The key to structured power playing is the exchange of power or sensation (spanking, being tied up). You can be submissive (choosing to allow the other person to have control over you in some way) or dominant (choosing to honor the request of the submissive). Notice the words “choose” and “allow.” They are critical to consensual, structured power playing.

Power playing is a terrific way of leaving your appearance anxieties on hold. Submitting to power, for example, often elicits an exhilarating, liberating feeling. By giving up responsibility for what’s going on, by bending your will to the authority of another, by taking on the role of the compliant and the helpless, you can experience a form of therapeutic escape, not just from your appearance obsession, but from everything else—stress, guilt, shame, fear, and anger.

Being in the presence of a controlling figure makes some people feel the kind of safety and protection they felt as a child. Others like the feeling of surrendering themselves, of disappearing into the unavoidable nothingness that comes from relinquishing all power. Still others like earning the approval of a dominant figure or turning their partner into somebody more commanding and powerful. Anastasia Steele, the main character in Fifty Shades of Grey, is a great example of a woman who came to embrace her inner submissive. Her love affair was so defined by structured power playing that she signed a dominance/submission contract with her lover, Christian Grey.

Command and Control

Taking the dominant position, on the other hand, provides the thrill that comes from placing yourself above someone else. You can enjoy the authority of telling someone what to do, watching them obey, inflicting “punishment” if they don’t, and getting a vicarious thrill from seeing their “suffering.”

Structured power playing is an exploration of your sexuality and personal boundaries. It’s a way to play up excitement and intensity of the sexual experience. It transports you out of judgmental thoughts into territory that widens and deepens your understanding of who you are. It’s hard to dredge up judgments about your appearance when you’re in the middle of a passionate, personal sexual odyssey. Playing with power is the ultimate form of participation—the key to limiting your self-focus.

Ready, Set, Play!

It’s easy to start power playing in a more intentional way—build on what you already like. For example, if you like it when your partner gently pins your hands over your head, then the next time it happens, tell him how much you like it and suggest that you go a bit further. Have some silk scarves by the nightstand and suggest that he tie you up gently.

Of course, this only works if you have a willing partner. If yours has a little too much starch in his collar, it’s best to have a talk first so you don’t scare the hair right off his head.

But let’s get back to you being tied up with those scarves. What do you feel? How does he react? Do you like it? Which part? Why? Do you want to go further or dial it back? What would make it more arousing? What do you want him to say? What do you want him to do?

If things go well, you may discover that you want to go further next time, either with manacles or rope. If they didn’t go well, no biggie, you just found out it’s not for you. Or maybe it is, but it’s you who should be tying the knots! Be sure to spark a conversation about other fantasies. This is your opportunity to shop the sample sale of your innermost desires. Of course, it can be a little challenging to understand what it is exactly that appeals to you. That’s why you should...

Take Your Erotic Temperature

Sit down with your partner and circle the appropriate temperature for each power play suggestion below. Make sure you both do this at opposite ends of the house—don’t try to influence each other. At least not yet. And don’t worry about overlapping or contradictory preferences or trying to identify yourself either as a submissive or dominant. You can, for example, prefer to be submissive during a kiss and dominant during intercourse. Submission and domination can be traded and played with like cards. We’re looking for opportunities, not labels.

Submissive Power Preferences
I prefer to receive rather than give.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like being on the bottom during romantic activity like kissing or intercourse.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like being told what to do in bed.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like surrendering control.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like feeling protected by my partner.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like it when my partner takes the lead and shows a bit of aggression.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like it when my partner is powerful and commanding in bed.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like obeying my partner’s sexual instructions.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like intercourse a little bit on the rough side.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like it when my partner comes close to verbally insulting me in bed.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like feeling possessed by my partner.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like it when my partner partially or fully immobilizes me with his hands and feet.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like it when my partner pinches, squeezes, holds, or otherwise touches me in a forceful way.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like to be the recipient of “angry” sex.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like it when my partner comes close to hurting me during sex.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like it when my partner acts as if he’s punishing me with sex.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
Dominant Power Preferences
I prefer to give rather than receive.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like being on top during romantic activity.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like telling my partner what to do in bed.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like exerting control.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like feeling like my partner’s protector.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like taking the lead and showing a bit of aggression.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like being powerful and commanding in bed.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like seeing my partner obey my sexual instructions.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like sex a bit on the rough side.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like coming close to verbally insulting my partner in bed.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like the feeling of possessing my partner.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like to partially or fully immobilize my partner with my hands and feet.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like to pinch, squeeze, hold, or otherwise touch my partner in a forceful way.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like doling out “angry” sex.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like to come close to hurting my partner during sex.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT
I like to “punish” my partner with sex.
Cold	Cool	Lukewarm	Warm	HOT

Free Your Mind, Your Crotch Will Follow

Done? Great! Now, take each other’s lists and compare them. But before you do, brace yourself. You may be surprised at what your partner has circled. Sometimes the shyest guys have a secret wish to dominate and sometimes the most dominating personalities yearn to be taught a few lessons.

But enough about him. The point of this exercise is to get a clear picture of what turns you on so you can share it with your partner. Let this be the start of a conversation that allows you to have fun, push boundaries, and explore some areas of your own psychology.

The first step is identifying what you have in common and taking the next step forward. For example, if you circled HOT under “I like to partially or fully immobilize my partner with my hands and feet” and he matched you, then your next question to each other is, “How can we take this to the next level?”

The answer is anything from silk scarves to ropes to manacles or anything that pops into your head. Don’t get stuck on the “right” answer—there is none. The only “right” answer is the one you feel comfortable with. Sit down together and create sexual scenarios that give you the power imbalance you crave. Once you decide to take it to the next level, your fantasies will take over and you’ll begin to answer for yourself the question of how to go about it. If you’re really stuck, try reading Fifty Shades of Grey, the Club Shadowlands series, or my personal favorite, Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns. For now, know that how, what, when, or where take a backseat to why. The important thing is discovering why you want to do this, not in how it gets accomplished. The why is because it turns you on. There’s no better why in the world.

Learning the Ropes

Once you’ve both agreed on a specific power play to put some structure around, think about looking the part, setting the scene, and, ahem, learning the ropes. Always start slow, and if you’re comfortable, ramp it up. Start safe, play sane, and build slowly. If it’s all agreeable, then off you go to the next level. Always talk to your partner after you’re done. Nothing new should ever be attempted without a debriefing. How’d you both feel? What turned you on or off? What would you want to explore later? Sometimes people respond in ways they didn’t expect. You could look forward to trying something only to have it trigger negative feelings you hadn’t anticipated. Don’t judge it; accept it as a natural consequence of experimentation. Right now everything is flight data for the trip. Learn from it and set a new path. This brings up one of my guiding principles to good sex: Never try anything once. Try it three times. The first time you’ll get it wrong, the second time it’ll feel awkward, and the third time you’ll truly know whether it’s for you.

Lastly, don’t feel that you have to try everything all at once. Go too fast too soon and you’ll kick yourself right out the door. You’ve got plenty of time. This is an exploration, not a race. Nobody finds buried treasure by rushing. You’re exploring what turns you on, what turns your partner on, and what you can build together. You’re better off ending a scene thinking you could have gone further than ending a scene thinking you went too far.

No matter what power playing preference you experiment with, it’s important to concentrate on what really matters. It’s not necessarily the scene you construct or even the physical sensations you feel. It’s the experience of wielding or yielding to power.

Exploring a new dimension in your sex life means playing with that thing between your ears, not your legs. So as you experiment with different activities, embrace the power playing role you take on and understand what drives it. For example, if you assume the dominant role...

Concentrate on the pleasures of being in complete control

That means enjoying power and the status accrued to it. You create the scenario in any way you want. Why? Because you said so, that’s why! You’re the scriptwriter, director, and producer in charge of your submissive’s fate. Taking charge takes some work, though. You have to have the dual ability to create your own fantasy while taking into account your partner’s wishes. You have to be in command of the action but in tune with your partner. Otherwise, you won’t sense when you’ve gone too far. Trust isn’t free; it’s earned by respecting limits.

Dominating your partner doesn’t mean bending them to your will. It means bending them to their will—giving them what they’ve allowed you to give. Dishing out punishment to somebody who didn’t ask for it is cruel. Dishing it out to somebody who did is fun. In that sense, the dominant is guided by the submissive. Pleasing your partner is omnidirectional in sexual power playing. The submissive takes pleasure from gratifying the needs of the dominant, and the dominant returns the favor.

Even in sensation-heavy scenarios like restraint or playful pain, the creamy center is always in the psychological arena. It doesn’t matter if you’re tying the knots in the right way; what matters is who you are as you’re tying them and what feelings come up as you experience total control over somebody.

The same dynamic applies to any scene where you become the dominatrix. It doesn’t matter what you boss him into. Being pushy isn’t the point. Anybody can say, “Take your shirt off slowly... no, slower . . .” The delight isn’t in the orders you give him but in watching him obey your every command. Don’t be diverted by the idea that you’re not bossing him around in the right way or spanking him in the right spot—those are skills you can get better at. Concentrate on the interaction, for it is there that you’ll find the lickable, sensual intensity that is the promise of power playing.

The same applies if you take the submissive role. Then, it’s important to...

Concentrate on the pleasures of surrendering

No matter what scene you construct out of your power playing preferences, your role as the submissive is to give up responsibility for what’s going on, to step into the role created for you. You don’t ever have to worry about your physical or emotional safety because your limits have been communicated and agreed to by the dominant. Because you decide what places can and cannot be explored, you can call a halt to everything at a second’s notice. This knowledge gives you the ability to fully let go, to surrender to what happens next, without having any responsibility for it.

As noted before, the creamy center isn’t necessarily in the details. If you’re getting tied up, you may or may not like the feel of a scarf or a rope against your skin, but you’ll love the physical sensation of being confined. It’s a form of erotic helplessness. It’s knowing that you have no choice but to submit, that your lover has free rein over your body. It might even give you permission to enjoy what you normally wouldn’t allow yourself to enjoy. (“What could I do? I had no choice. I was tied up.”)

Was It Good for You?

Context is everything. Getting a light spanking when you’re aroused feels different than getting it when you’re not. Even pleasant sensations are contextual. Getting your back scratched, for example, can feel yummy, neutral, or downright awful depending on the circumstances. It’s great if you’re comfortable, awful if you’re sweating. It’s a turn-on if the Playgirl centerfold does the scratching; a turn-off if it’s Quasimodo. It’s a relief if you have a mosquito bite; a terror if you have a sunburn.

Every form of stimulation is context-dependent, and pain is no exception. The right kind of pain with the right kind of buildup from the right kind of person during the right state of arousal can be the hottest thing you’ll ever experience. It is well known that pain releases endorphins, a brain chemical that leads to euphoria. It’s primarily responsible for the “runner’s high” that comes with prolonged exercise. You can also see it at work when you eat chili peppers. The spicier the pepper, the more your body secretes endorphins. It doesn’t mean you should run out and eat five-alarm chili peppers, but it does explain why some people are drawn to pain.

Endorphin release varies from person to person. Two people doing the same type of exercise or suffering from the same degree of pain will not necessarily produce the same levels of endorphins. That is a major reason why some people find pain (in the right context) highly arousing and others don’t.

From a psychological point of view, pain forces out all other thoughts, feelings, and stresses. It gets your attention and makes you focus. This is clearly an advantage for the body conscious, but that’s not to say it’s specifically right for you. If you want to find out, there’s a right way and a wrong way of going about it.

The wrong way is to take pain out of context. It will only be pleasant if you’re near the throes of ecstasy. Do not get slapped, smacked, or spanked unless you’re aroused. Otherwise, it will hurt like hell. Pain is contextual. Sexual arousal changes the perception of pain. Taking a bite out of a hot pepper is going to be a completely different experience than tasting the right amount of it in a plate of chili.

So how do you make sure you’re tasting the chili and not biting the pepper? By making sure your partner knows to apply pain when you’re already aroused, after he’s created anticipation and is building toward a climax. That means making out, rolling around, and engaging in some heavy foreplay before a hand is raised or a tushy is bared. Start with mild sensations and build gradually to stronger sensations. It’s the buildup that starts releasing the endorphins that change your perception of more intense pain. You don’t get a runner’s high on mile 2. It takes time. A spanking without buildup is going to hurt. A spanking after a slow buildup can make you slap happy.

If you’re the dominant in a pain play scene like spanking (you wouldn’t be the first girlie-girl to discover her inner dominatrix), ask for feedback. Pay attention to how he responds. This is as much an exploration for the giver as the receiver. Get to know what your partner likes so you can gauge what’s too little and what’s too much. If you find that neither one of you gets turned on, don’t worry. You can always resort to the most conventional application of pain—calling tech support when the cable goes out.

Keeping Yourself Emotionally (and Physically) Safe

Set limits. Whoever chooses the submissive role needs to negotiate “hard” and “soft” limits. Hard limits are things you will absolutely not do under any circumstances. Soft limits are things you wouldn’t do even in typical circumstances but would if the context and level of arousal changes. You set these limits for your own protection. You will save yourself a lot of grief by setting limits at a lower threshold, having a good experience, and raising them later rather than setting them high, having a bad experience, and then lowering them.

Set limits by asking questions. If your partner is the submissive and wants a bit of light pain, is it purely the physical sensation of being hit that he’s looking for or is it to feel like he’s being punished for some made-up transgression like violating the headmistress’s curfew? Does he want a couple of thwacks on the arm, or does he want to be smacked like a housefly? Negotiating this level of detail beforehand may feel a little awkward, but it’ll save you some enormously unpleasant consequences.

“Consensual nonconsensuality” is an important principle in sexual power playing. You must voluntarily give up your right to say no and have the ability to immediately stop the action whenever you want. You do that by granting consent before the action begins and agreeing on a “safe word” that immediately stops the action, breaks the illusion, and returns you to reality.

What consent are you granting? Spell it out carefully. And what “safe word” immediately suspends the action? Communicate it clearly. A safe word is a mutually understood word that, when uttered, means stop what you’re doing right now. It’s like a movie director saying, “Cut!” Everybody instantly drops their role-playing.

Don’t pick the word “no” or “stop” because part of the thrill may be to struggle against whatever is happening to you. Sort of like when guys are handed a broom and cleaning supplies so they can help with the housework. They’ll shriek “No! No! No!” but, really, it just means they want more.

Safe words break the action without breaking the mood. They also allow the action to continue once the requisite strap is adjusted or the muscle cramp massaged away. Pick a safe word that’s totally out of context, like “apple” or “book”—or if you really want to be stopped in your tracks, “Al Gore.”

Safe words can be a simple on/off switch or a more multitiered set of signals such as “red” (“please stop right this instant”), “yellow” (“proceed with caution”), and “green” (“full steam ahead!”).

Practice the golden rule

New activities should be accompanied by a pre-show role reversal. If your partner wants you to punish him with a ping-pong paddle, have him give you a couple of whacks to see exactly how he wants you to do it. It’s easier to adjust the intensity if you know what it feels like.

Plan for the afterglow

Some activities can be a bit more intense than anticipated, leaving you, your partner, or both feeling a little out of sorts. Don’t roll over and go to sleep right away. Plan to bring the mood down slowly and gently. Have a talk, a cuddle, a snack. Special takeoffs deserve special landings.

Don’t die wondering

Sometimes people are afraid that if they experiment with structured power playing they’ll walk through a door that will lock behind them. They’re afraid they won’t want to go back to “normal” sex, that they’ll always hunger for something more. It’s understandable to be apprehensive, but stopping yourself from experimenting is a little like saying you don’t want to taste wine because you’ll end up an alcoholic. Or refusing to watch a provocative show because you’ll end up like one of the characters. Relax. Dressing up as Cruella De Vil doesn’t make you hungry for dog.

Think of structured power playing as a journey to variety, a way of expanding your sexual palette. Discovering something you like in bed doesn’t turn you into something less than or different from, it turns you into something more—everything you are, plus this new thing. In the human mosaic everything is a thread that contributes to the creation and growth of who you are. Adding or subtracting a single thread doesn’t change the pattern.

The Painfully Obvious Conclusion

Sexual power playing depends on having a partner who’ll be there for you physically and emotionally. Trust and lust sit side by side like a pair of shears, joined so that they cannot be separated even though they often move in opposite directions.

If you’re willing to give it a go, sexual power playing can lead to ever greater levels of intimacy with your partner and place more space between concerns about your body and your ability and willingness to enjoy sex. Thoughts that your thighs might be bigger than you’d like tend to pale when your body experiences the dawn of new horizons.