The very next morning, Jane climbed into Jessica’s buggy and then said hello to Sally and Kate who were in the back seat.
“Hello, Aunt Jane,” Kate said. The younger, Sally, tried to repeat it, but it came out as a series of lilting sounds. Kate said it again, more slowly, and then Sally was able to copy her sister more accurately.
Jane smiled at them and then turned her attention to Jessica, and whispered so the girls wouldn’t hear, “You're pregnant?”
“Jah, but I'm not telling anyone yet for another couple of months. The girls don’t know yet. Only Luke knows.”
“I’m so happy for you.”
“Denke. I waited a long time for the third and I thought it was never going to happen. When I forgot about it, it happened.”
Even though Jane was happy for her friend, she couldn’t believe they were the same age and Jessica was leaps and bounds ahead of her in life. All she had was a job in Ohio and she was renting a small haus from the bishop. “You’re so blessed, Jessica.” Jane’s tone must’ve relayed what she’d been thinking.
“I know, but it will happen for you, just relax.”
“I'm sure it will.” Jane didn't want to be sad and depressed when she was visiting her friend. She needed a break from herself and a break from her normal reality.
It was half an hour later when Jane was sitting down with coffee and the girls were occupied with their wooden toys in the next room; Jessica came right to the point. “What are you doing back here, Jane? I know you haven't come to see me. I've been asking you every few months to come and stay with me. And, why are you staying with Sadie?”
“It was Matt who asked me to come back here.”
“It was?” Jessica’s face lit up.
“Don't get excited. It's not like that. He does want to marry, but the catch is he's not thinking of getting married to me.”
“Oh, I'm so sorry, Jane. I know how you've always felt about him.”
“He wants me to help him to choose someone.”
“What?”
“Jah, it’s true. He doesn’t want me, he wants me to help him find a fraa. Obviously, a fraa who’s not me.”
Jessica stared at her blankly, letting it sink in. “You've got to be kidding.”
“I'm not kidding at all. He says I know him better than anyone.” The gut-wrenching feeling tore through her once more. “He took me to his house and then sat me down. You know what I thought he was going to ask me?”
“I do and why wouldn’t you think that if he asked you to come here?”
Jane nodded, and couldn’t keep everything bottled up any longer. “I thought he was going to ask me to marry him and what he asked me was like driving a knife through my heart.” Tears filled her eyes.
“That's just awful. I’m so sorry, Jane. It’s dreadful.”
“Please don't tell anyone. Unless … did Luke mention anything to you?”
“Nee. The two brothers are close, but they don’t talk about things like that.”
“And I'm sure Matt wouldn't want it to get around. That's why I couldn't be with you all day today. Matt has arranged for Sadie to invite two of the women for dinner tonight. I want to be home to help Sadie prepare the meal.”
“Two of the women?” Jessica’s eyes bugged out. “Is, um, are there more than two of them?”
Jane sat back and told her friend the whole story from start to finish. Jessica was the only one who knew Jane was in love with Matt.
“Oh, you poor thing. You must be devastated.”
“Pretty much. But what's the point of being upset? Surely if he was the one Gott had for me then we’d be in love and married by now. There must be someone else out there for me, don't you think so?” Jane wasn’t convinced about that, but she desperately wanted the pain in her heart to go away.
“It's not for me to say. And you know your own heart. I didn’t think it was a good idea for you to keep in contact with Matt. I told you that right from the start, didn’t I?”
“I know, but it was hard not to write back to him with the way I feel about him and all.”
Jessica shook her head. “You were dangling on a string. He was playing with you like a cat plays with a mouse. And he’s still doing it. Just leave, Jane. Just leave and never speak to him again.”
“I can’t do that. It’s too late. Maybe I should’ve taken your advice when I left, but I had hopes he’d write and ask me to return. He eventually did.”
Jessica sighed. “Jah, but it wasn’t what you hoped for. Would you have returned if you knew what he’d ask you?”
Jane sighed and looked down at the white handkerchief she held twisted between her fingers in her lap. “Nee. I wouldn’t. You see, I prayed about it and said to Gott that if Matt didn’t make a move by this Christmas, I’d forget him completely. Sure, I’d still return his letters, but they’d be shorter and I’d wait for months before I returned them. So, when I saw the words—him asking me here—I convinced myself it was an answer to my prayer. You see, he made a move!”
“I can see how you’d think that. Jane, are you sure he’s not brought you here because he’s considering you?”
Jane huffed. “I don’t want to be considered. I want to be the only woman he sees.”
“I get you. I totally do, but if I can say something …”
Jane frowned at her friend, wondering what she was trying to say. “Go on.”
“You’ve got to relax. Let it all go. There’s got to be someone else out there for you.”
“Don’t you think I’ve told myself that one million times? But look how old I am now. What good is it to marry when I’m fifty? I’ll have no kinner. I need to be married soon.”
Jessica leaned forward and grabbed the plate of cookies and held it toward Jane. “Cookie?”
“Denke.” Jane dropped the handkerchief in her lap and then reached out and took one.
“I've been trying to look on the bright side, trying to see things from a different point of view.” Jane nibbled on the cookie and then put a hand over her heart. “It does hurt. He's the only man I've ever seen. No other man I've met compares. I have been looking. I haven't closed off my mind. I have been looking,” she repeated.
“Hasn't anyone turned your head?”
“No. There is this one man I'm friends with, but I feel I'm just always destined to be no more than friends with the men I like. I’m sure Matt likes me, loves me even, but only as a friend. Do you know how frustrating that is for me, to love and for that love not to be returned? I might as well love a rock or a tree. Nee, a tree would probably show love for me more than Matt does.”
“I know how you feel and I can see it now on your face.”
Jane nodded. “I'll just have to get over him. And maybe this is Gott’s way of helping me do just that. Once he's married I’ll be able to get over him. I’ll have to.”
“You just have to get through the next couple of weeks.”
“Jah, starting with tonight—dinner with the twins.” Jane took a large bite of cookie and it fell to pieces and crumbs scattered all over her. As Jessica hurried forward to help clean the mess, Jane could only look at the cookie fragments. One thing jumped into her mind. The cookie had fallen apart, shattered into pieces, just the same as her life.