As soon as Matt brought Jane to his place the next day, he asked the question, “What do you think of the twins?”
She stepped out of the buggy and joined him, and together they headed to the house. “I already told you what I think about them.”
Was that the only reason he asked her to spend the day there with him? Or maybe to give him ideas on how to make the place nice for his new bride? She had hoped that he wanted to spend time with her, get to know his old friend again in person rather through their letters. She stared at him.
He arched an eyebrow. “So…?”
“Oh, the twins.”
“Jah. Refresh my mind about what you think of them.”
Was he having second thoughts about one of them? Perhaps he was in love with one of them and didn’t want them dismissed so easily. “Although they don't really look that much alike, their personalities are very similar. If you're asking me to choose between them, I can't. I simply can't. Unless … unless there is something about one of them that you prefer over the other. If there is I can’t see what it might be.” She did see. One was tall like her and the other was short. And he certainly wasn't attracted to her. Would he prefer, Beatrice, the shorter of the twins?
He looked away. “Jah, they are similar. That's a hard problem.”
“They are both lovely to look at.”
“I thought you might see something in one of them that the other didn't have.”
“Nee, sorry. I can't help you out with that one.”
“Do you see one of them as more suited to me than say .. Marcy or Lanie?”
She screamed in her head, Don’t you see me? Am I invisible to you?
When she didn't say anything, he suggested, “Let’s take a walk around outside shall we?”
“Okay.” She cleared her throat and did her best to rid her head of self-pity. “So far, I think the person you are most suited with is Marcy. She's at a good age.”
“Age shouldn't come into it.”
“Well not age, but maturity, life experience.” She saw his lips twitch. “Don't you want someone who is on a similar mental mindset as yourself?”
“It might be refreshing to have someone younger, to keep me younger in the head. I never want to become old in my thinking.”
She felt that sting as though he’d slapped her across the face. He clearly wanted someone younger, someone who could give him many kinner. At just over thirty years of age the number of children she could give him was limited simply by the late start that she’d have.
She desperately wanted to get out of there, but she’d made a commitment and she was a person of her word. That kept her there no matter how painful, no matter how hard. “Is that what we're going to be doing all day, talking about your five prospects?”
He chuckled. “I wish you'd stop calling them prospects.”
“Well they are prospects. Contenders. Contestants.”
“You have two as well.”
“Jah, but two is not five. Do they know that I'm screening them for you?” She’d found out that Lanie knew.
He chuckled again. This time he appeared embarrassed, as he took off his hat and smoothed his hair back. She knew all his mannerisms and what they meant. “One or two of them might have an idea. I might have mentioned something.”
“Lanie would’ve guessed. She seems the most switched on out of any of them.”
“You might be right about that.”
But it appeared he didn't want a bright woman, or a woman he could converse with. He as good as said he wanted a younger woman he could protect and who could give him loads of children.
As they walked, she looked over at him and tried to make herself dislike him, loathe him even. It would be so much easier if she could lose her feelings or at least hide them away until she got back home to her community.
What was wrong with her that he didn't love her? Surely it was more than her looks.
Maybe he didn't want someone who had been a friend. He had loads of friends.
“Let’s put the women out of our heads today. We could both do with not thinking about them for a day.”
“I think that’s a good idea.”
As he talked about the property, they walked towards the river, where they used to play as children. He talked about his plans for the improvements on the property and the different crops he was going to try.
“So, you’re not going to lease the land to one of your brothers?”
“I might when I turn the place into a bed and breakfast. Everything is up in the air at the moment.”
Jane was feeling so sorry for herself she wasn't even listening about corn and soybeans and whatever other crops he was chattering about. She walked slowly along looking at the earth beneath her change colour.
“It's been dry this year,” she said when he paused for breath.
“It has been. We’re having a dry spell.”
Hmm, she thought, much like my life. “Hopefully next year will be better.”
She smiled and looked around. “I've always loved this place. Remember how we used to play along the banks of the river and hide in the trees when we were younger?”
“Those are some of my fondest memories of my childhood.” He gave her a beaming smile.
“If only people didn’t need to grow up. Things were so simple back when I was a young girl and my parents and siblings were still here. I didn't have to worry about one single thing except getting our chores done on time.” She’d felt so alone once her brother and sister had gone. They had both left at the same time without a trace and they’d tried to get her to go with them. She wouldn’t hear of it.
“And doing exactly what we were told,” he added.
“Jah, that too. Things are so uncertain when you become an adult. When I was growing up, I had so many different dreams for my future. It seemed that anything was possible.”
“What kind of things? Get married and have a family? Isn’t that what every woman wants?”
“Jah, that’s right. Within that framework is what I used to dream of.”
His eyebrows pinched together. “I’m not sure I understand.”
She couldn’t tell him that she used to think of being married to him. “What my kinner would be like and … and who I would marry, and so on.”
“Oh.” He looked away. When they came to a large outcrop of rocks, he sat down on one of them. “Tell me about the dreams you used to have.”
She sat on one too. “Nothing definite, just whether I’d get married in the afternoon or the morning, and where my husband and I would live.”
“Ah, I guess that’s changed now since you moved away.”
“I never thought I’d be gone indefinitely.”
“You didn’t?”
She shook her head. “Nee.”
“Why did you move?”
“I was upset about my brother and sister leaving. You know, they’ve never kept in touch. I’ve not heard one word from them since they left.” She wiped a tear from her eye.
“I’m sorry, Jane. That must be so hard for you.”
“It is. It was bad enough our folks dying, and then they both disappeared, left me with no one.”
“I had no idea that was how you felt.” He moved off his rock, sat next to her and put his arm around her. “I’m so sorry, Jane. I guess I got caught up in my own life and never realized how much you were hurting.”
She wiped more tears from her cheeks. “It’s okay. I just miss them. I think about them every day. They probably have families by now. And, how do I know they’re still alive? Something might’ve happened to them and I’d never know.”
“That’s why you left?”
“Partly. I honestly don’t know what I want.”
“What about your suitors back home?”
She shook her head. “I don't know what will happen there. Maybe I'll marry one of them, and maybe I won't. You see? There are so many choices now. As a child there are no maybes, no choices, there were just definite ideas of what would happen.”
He held her tighter. “If life could be anything you want … how many kinner would you see yourself with?”
That brought a smile to her face. “I always thought six was the perfect number. Three boys and three girls. Three would be boys, first, and the second lot of three would be the girls. They would all stay within the community, not one of them would leave like my siblings did.”
“You never heard anything from either of them?”
“Nee, you're the first person to mention them to me in years. I don't even know where they are. They haven't tried to contact me either, and it wouldn't be too hard to find out where I live. They’d only need to ask Bishop David. He has my address.”
“Yes, you're right. It wouldn't be too hard. Sorry about that.”
“Don't be sorry, that's just the way things are. These things happen. I didn't want them to stay if they didn’t want to. I know, and I knew then, that they have to follow what they think is right in life.”
“Are you going to stay where you’re living forever?”
“I don’t know. I don’t need to. What are your plans, Matt? Marry one of these women and turn your haus into a bed and breakfast?”
“I won't ask you about which man you’ll choose because you don’t seem to know that.”
“And because that part is not up to me. I need your help.” She smiled sweetly. Jessica would be proud of her. This was developing just like they’d planned. He was bothered by talk of her marrying.
“I’ll do all I can to help.”
“After you’ve made your choice, and after you’re married,” she said.
“Jah, of course.”
She looked up at the sky. “It’s gray again. I hope we don’t get rained on.”
He grinned. “I like the rain.”
His attitude was so different from Isaac’s, and she was glad. And, he still had his arm around her ...