Sushi and Sun Salutations

CHAPTER 11

on the nights when the words

are too sharp

and the carpet too red

I think of you

cool blue and

free

I can’t wait to meet you

-Tessa

TESSA

“One thing I never thought I’d say, sushi is my favorite.”

Kip’s lips pulled to the side in the half-smile of his she liked so much. He leaned back on his elbows, his eyes gazing out over the dark ocean in the distance.

After leaving the gym, they’d stopped to get more sushi. Probably way too much for one day, if she were being honest. But she didn’t care.

For the rest of her life, sushi would always be Kip and sunshine and covert operations. Memories made permanent by the simple addition of food.

They’d returned to the beach house where Kip had produced a sun-bleached beach blanket.

It was all very romantic.

The bright moon, the ocean, the man.

Tessa took a deep breath and sighed internally.

Why couldn’t the guys she dated be like this? Nothing forced, no one trying too hard. Just natural, organic, perfection.

She knew what she was doing. She was ultimately making it harder for herself in the long run.

What else was new?

“Is it weird to have three roommates and none of them are ever home?” she asked.

“Not really. I lived alone for a while. All of us moving in together was a matter of temporary necessity and not because we all wanted to live together.” He made a face. “Well, Bo, Brady and Steve have all been pretty inseparable, I suppose. They just… spent more time together while I was… off.”

Getting healthy, she finished in her mind.

It didn’t seem fair somehow. She’d known his friend group since high school and beyond. No, they weren’t all besties who spent holidays together splitting the cost of kegs. But they were all pretty loyal to one another.

Like, stupid loyal.

Tessa couldn’t help but wonder how they’d react if they ever discovered Kip’s secret. She knew exactly how she would react if either Spencer or Lo came to her with that kind of information.

Three words—Come. To. Jesus.

“Have you always liked sushi?” she asked.

“No.”

Kip rolled over onto his belly and used his arms like a pillow as he gazed up at her.

“When you’re doing chemo, you can’t—or you shouldn’t—eat shellfish, sushi, things that could make you sick. Since your immune system is basically nonexistent. So as soon as I got the all-clear from my oncologist, I ate all the things that had previously been forbidden. Sushi ended up being a big hit.”

She reached over and brushed a stray dark curl off his forehead. “I like that. No more missing out.”

A weak smile flashed on his lips and he grew serious. “I’m working on it.”

She wondered at his words, wishing he would elaborate without her having to ask.

The wind picked up, blowing the blanket at the edges and Tessa’s hair into her eyes.

“Time to head in,” Kip announced as he got to his feet.

She helped him gather their nighttime picnic supplies and followed him through the backdoor of the beach house.

“You wanna listen to some music?” he asked, taking the empty containers out of her hands.

“Yeah,” she replied, not ready to call it a night yet. He grinned and nodded towards the living room.

“My phone is already connected. You can pick anything on there if you want.” He went back to the kitchen.

Tessa made her way into the living room where she spotted the phone on the table surrounded by papers and a few notebooks. A small voice in her head told her not to look at the scribblings and notes littered about. He’d already given her unsupervised access to his phone, which was plenty.

She opened the music app and scrolled through the library. What kinds of music did a man like Kip listen to on the regular?

“Anything in particular you want to hear?” she asked, only recognizing a few of the artists and bands.

A tan hand interrupted her view and made a few movements on the screen.

“This album,” he said, so close to her so could feel his breath gently brush her cheek. “Always makes me think of you.”

She glanced up in time to catch his green eyes before he returned to the kitchen.

Music began trickling out of the speakers in the living room, filling the house with a crisp yet romantic piano.

Shirt balls in butter.

She really wished he wouldn’t have told her that.

Now she was going to have to go home and download this album and listen to it on repeat while completely overanalyzing every single song.

Thanks, Kip.

Cool.

Because she had all this extra time to act like an angsty teenager.

“Hey.”

Her vision came back into focus and her eyes tracked to Kip who’d returned to the scene of the crime.

Crime was too strong of a word. The scene of his emotional hit and run on her heart. A drive-by angsting.

She swallowed because her mouth was crazy dry and she needed something to do. The way she saw it, she had two options. She could confess, tell Kip she had developed feelings for him that exceeded the bounds of casual friendship—and then run away.

Or, she could pull a page out of Spencer’s playbook and declare she was having problems with her spastic colon—and then run away.

While she was debating both of those terrible options, Kip was looking into her eyes.

Tessa was certain she’d never heard this album—she’d never even heard of the singer, Andrew McMahon—but for some unholy reason, every plink on that damn piano was a plink on the windows of her heart.

Kip’s strong arm came around her waist and gently held her close, without their bodies touching. His free hand took hers and held it to his chest as he slowly swayed and guided them into a simple dance.

“We’re dancing,” she said, wishing her voice hadn’t come out so breathless.

Kip nodded, a small smile playing in his lips. “Little bit.”

There was something sweet about the way he held her—close, but not demanding, gentle, but not unsure.

She bit down on her bottom lip even as the back of her eyes burned with happiness.

I will not cry. Not now. I can cry later.

Except this was more than anything she’d ever had. At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, this was everything. It was stolen daydreams and far flung hopes. The small fantasies that kept her overly romantic heart beating long after she’d discovered the truth of adult relationships.

Everything.

Kip was giving her everything.

And she hadn’t even asked.

“Tell me what you like about kissing,” Kip asked quietly.

“It’s my favorite,” she replied, carefully matching his tone.

His lips twitched with a soft smile. “You said that. What about it makes it your favorite?”

His sea glass eyes held her captive. She was both safe and in danger in that moment.

She licked her lips. “I like the anticipation. The moment right before the kiss happens when it’s so close you just want it to be over with. The breath that gets caught between two people as all of their hopes focus in on one moment. And then you finally give in and the heat of their mouth is exactly the perfect temperature to melt you where you stand.”

Kip leaned in and Tessa’s eyes fluttered closed.

“What else?” he asked, his breath washing over her lips.

“Kissing makes the world disappear,” she whispered.

Her blood pounded through her body, racing rapidly through her limbs as if trying to escape. She understood its desire, she wished to escape herself too. If only to be able to catch her breath and take stock of what was happening.

But Andrew McMahon’s singing collided with her pulse and kept her still.

And Kip handled the rest.

His lips brushed hers in the barest of kisses. Her lips parted and she sighed, but before the air had finished exhaling, his mouth was back to take it.

She’d never had the breath stolen from her until that moment. But it was fine because she no longer needed to breathe to survive. All she needed with his mouth on hers.

His lips were warmer than she’d expected. They were soft and hot, and hers began moving against them in a way they never had before. As if to say, “Finally.”

It was total surrender and complete terror as she fell into his arms.

He caught her.

One arm wrapped across her back to her shoulder while the other was lost in her hair as it cradled the back of her head.

He pulled away and gasped her name against her lips. But she wasn’t ready to stop. She grabbed the front of his shirt and pushed up on her toes. When her lips found his again she could feel his smile against her mouth.

His arms tightened around her and he deepened their kiss.

First kisses were usually sloppy and tentative as both partners found their way.

But Kip and Tessa found their way as soon as their lips touched. And then they found it again and again. They were experts on this new venture. They could easily hire themselves out as kissing consultants to the general public and make millions.

But they were too busy kissing.

Kip cradled her cheeks in his palms and his green eyes glittered as they roamed her face.

“Good?” he asked

“Very good,” she answered with an excited nod.

He grinned. “How about some wine?” His thumb brushed over her bottom lip. “And maybe more kissing.”

“Yes, please,” she agreed readily.

Kip stepped back, letting her go, but his eyes lingered for an extra moment. A moment that she felt all the way to her toes.

After he left the room, Tessa spun in a circle with her arms above her head. She wanted to squeal in excitement but managed to rein it in.

She sat down on the couch because she no longer trusted her legs.

Was this happening?

Was she making out with a cute boy who made her feel unbelievably special?

Hopeful romantic, she reminded herself. Maybe it was finally paying off.

Kip didn’t seem like the kind of guy who went around kissing people for the heck of it. He kissed her on purpose.

Her eyes landed on the notebook papers on the table and the words snagged on a memory.

Her heart twisted violently and she had no idea why. With shaky hands she reached for the paper and read the poem written in a familiar scrawl.

A girl with a messy heart

Tattooed my soul on her skin.

A mistake and a half,

A hopeless tide of wishes,

And now we finally have the time.

She set that one aside and reached for another. In seconds, she was on her feet leaning over the table, shuffling through the poems.

Poem, after poem, after poem.

Some of them she recognized, most were new.

But all were written in the same heavy writing she had copied and subsequently had tattooed on her body for life.

Her heart began to splinter into aching shards as the pieces—pieces she should have seen if she’d been looking—began to fall painfully into place.

He knew.

He’d known her the entire time.

He’d had her words and trust and he’d almost had her heart.

She picked up the poem she’d read first and reread it. Twice.

It was about her. Clearly.

He’d been writing about her.

She was the girl with the messy heart.

Never had she felt so exposed.

The words cut into her heart and she felt the blood slide down her insides as her hope leaked out. It pooled in her belly and made her sick.

Was it funny to him that his words of long ago had meant so much? Is that what this new one meant? A mistake and a half? A hopeless tide of wishes?

“White or red?” Kip called from the kitchen.

She couldn’t process the question to answer it.

“Tessa?” Kip asked, closer this time and caution in his tone.

She met his eyes as her hands shook with the page she gripped in disbelief.

“What is this?” she asked, her voice raspy. “This is me, right?”

Kip’s eyes bounced between hers and he took a deep breath.

But he didn’t answer.

And that one small inaction was enough to help her find her voice.

“Is this me?” she yelled.

He flinched.

“I can explain,” he said, but his eyes held doubt in his own words.

Tessa lifted the hem of her shirt, exposing the poem on her ribs. “Why is your handwriting on me?”

He stared at the words etched into her skin. One he hadn’t known about. The one that kept her from losing her hope and heart. The one she clung to every time she was reminded that the world sucked and people could be the worst.

The one that saved her once and forever.

we fall in love

because it’s who we are

love is our call

it is our battle cry

in every worthwhile fight

it is you

and me

but none stronger than

Kip’s eyes glossed over and he dropped his gaze to the floor.

“It was you,” she said, sounding eerily calm. “My mystery person who saved me. And you knew, didn’t you? This entire time you let me make a fool out of myself in front of you.”

Kip’s eyes snapped back to hers. “No, Tess, I’m the only fool here.”

“How is that even possible?” she asked, water crawling up the back of her throat. “I told you. You had every opportunity to be honest with me.”

“I didn’t lie to you,” he protested and flinched when he heard the weakness in his own words.

“You misled me,” she stated. “That’s not okay.”

She tossed the sheets of paper back on the table and watched them flutter to their landing.

“Please let me try to explain,” Kip pleaded, the words strained by the emotion in his voice.

Part of her wanted to stay and listen to every word he said, swallow it down and believe it.

Damn her naivety.

But she’d worked too hard to respect herself to do something like that again.

“I need to think,” she said, squeezing her hands into fists. “And I can’t do that here.”

Kip nodded once and stepped aside.

Tessa gathered her purse and keys and left out the back door.

She wasn’t sure if she was relieved or hurt that he didn’t try to stop her.

Which was exactly why she needed to think.

She started the car and managed to navigate out of the long driveway before the tears started.