CHAPTER 15

 

 

 

all at once

my words mean more

they have a life

outside of me

they grow and bloom in you

tying our hearts into knots

-Cristoforo Luca

 

 

 

KIP

 

He gripped the inside handle of Tessa’s car as she slid it into park. He fought back the swallow he knew would be audible if he gave in to it.

Part of him knew all of this.

He and Tessa had grown up in the same zip code. Money, luxury, extravagance—all par for the course.

But the Tessa he’d gotten to know—this remarkable, hilarious, smart woman he’d fallen for—she didn’t fit in this neighborhood. He was having difficulty reconciling the woman by his side with the mansion in front of him

One glance to his left and more unease filtered through his skin and settled in the pit of his stomach.

Tessa wore a black bodycon dress with black strappy Jimmy Choos.

The only reason he had been able to identify them as Jimmy Choos was because his mother had the same pair.

Tessa always looked fantastic. No matter what she was in—work clothes, skinny jeans and Vans, bikini and sarong. Tessa always belonged.

But there was something different about tonight’s attire. Something that harkened back to the girl he’d wanted to get to know better in high school.

Something… practiced.

Kip focused on his steps as he joined her on the walkway leading up to the house.

“You okay?” she asked, bumping the back of his hand with her own, as if to remind him she was there.

“Yeah,” he lied. Which only made him feel worse.

But what could he say? Not the truth. Not when the truth was still undefined and too complicated to line up words in a coherent sentence that might make sense.

When they reached the door, Tessa didn’t knock, she just let herself in.

The house wasn’t really any different than any other he’d seen in the zip code. Somewhere between a mansion and an estate, with an open foyer layout, stone floors and high ceilings.

Staff.

Tessa’s heels clacked on the stone floor and he found his eyes drawn to the gold on her wrist. A delicate bracelet he hadn’t noticed.

His gut twisted and for a second, he thought he might be sick.

Not because of Tessa. Or the house. Or the shoes or the gold.

It was Kip.

Something in him rebelled and rejected everything affluent.

Like the way a body reacts when introduced to poison.

There was a legitimate reason for him to be in therapy. Clearly.

As all these thoughts tumbled and tripped through his mind, a familiar voice rang through the air.

He recognized it too late.

Both he and Tessa stopped short at the entrance to what he thought was going to be a dining room but looked more like a lounge or study.

“Christopher!” his mother called out, like she was happy to see him.

“Mom, dad, I did not expect to see you here,” Kip replied, guardedly. He glanced Tessa’s way for an explanation, but she looked as confused as he was.

Tessa cleared her throat and stepped into the room. “Mom, dad,” she greeted her own parents with partial embraces. “I didn’t realize you’d invited company.”

“I couldn’t exactly pass up the opportunity to have the Carter’s over for dinner. You haven’t had a serious boyfriend in years. It’s cause for celebration.”

“We’ve only just arrived,” Kip’s mother said as she approached him for what he assumed was a hug.

Even though Kip had a very strict do-not-hug-a-bitch policy, he found himself in the embrace of the woman who supposedly gave birth to him.

“It’s so nice to see you,” she said, her smile as plastic as most of her body these days. “You never stop by anymore.”

“That’s true,” he agreed. Because it was. He didn’t stop by. And that was by design. He wasn’t going to apologize for it because that would be a lie.

“You could have at least pretended to remember how to dress yourself,” his mother said under her breath through her teeth as she picked invisible lint off his sleeve. Her eyes tracked to his hair and her fake smile soured. “Your hair is grotesque.”

“Thanks, mom. Always good catching up. How’s dad? Still drunk?” Kip turned away, unable to fake any further conversation with her.

“Dinner won’t be ready for an hour,” Tessa’s mom announced. “Please help yourselves to something to drink. Then maybe we can get to know each other a little better.”

A heavy fog filled Kip’s lungs and head as he tried to navigate his way to the table of refreshments near the back of the room.

He poured himself a glass of what he assumed was scotch and slung it back. Then he refilled the glass and added two ice cubes.

“Hey.” Tessa slid a hand along his back as she came along side him. “Are you okay?”

Kip blinked at the decanters and crystal in front of him.

“I’m unprepared,” he said roughly.

Her hand ran slowly up his back and rested in between his shoulder blades. He closed his eyes at the warmth that seeped through his shirt and into his skin. It was a comfort he’d been denied most of his life and he found himself on the verge of tears.

Yeah, he was unprepared.

“If you want to go, we totally can,” Tessa whispered, leaning in close. “I don’t even like these people.”

Kip’s tears evaporated as he snorted involuntarily. How did he ever get this girl to notice him? He didn’t deserve her.

“Come sit down,” Tessa’s mom commanded them both. “I want to hear all about what you’re doing and how you met and when the wedding is…”

That last one was followed by a round of cackles. Yes, even the dads cackled.

Kip never understood the weird jokes about relationships at the relationship’s expense. Was it really funny? Was he missing that component to his humor?

“I’d actually like to hear more about what Mr. Carter is planning on doing about the eyesore outside of the club gates.” Tessa nudged Kip with her elbow as he heard his father launch into a loud rant involving speed bumps and their proper height. She smirked as she poured herself a drink like his.

“C’mon,” she whispered to him and gestured with her chin for him to follow.

Kip took a glance at the four older adults now deep in discussion before he followed her out of the room.

Out in the hall she walked close to his side and spoke conspiratorially. “I didn’t survive this house without learning how to take control of a conversation. It’s probably why I’m so good at my job.”

They walked down a short, dark hall and turned a corner.

Kip wasn’t sure if he started to feel more at ease because the scotch was doing its job or if it was because they were getting further away from his parents.

“I figure we have until dinner is ready before they send someone to find us.” She opened a door at the end of another hall and ushered him into the dark room.

The door clicked shut behind them and she flicked on the lights.

“This used to be my room,” she said taking a sip of her scotch.

Kip nodded as he turned in a slow circle, taking in the wall of windows, mats, and soft decorations.

“You’d think,” he said narrowing one eye at her suspiciously, “that if you grew up in a yoga studio, you’d be better at it.”

She arched an eyebrow as she took another sip.

“Unless the hot yoga class was just an elaborate ruse to meet me,” he said taking a step closer to her and tucking a renegade strand of hair behind her ear.

“My mom redecorated the moment I moved out,” she explained, her eyes picking up the rays of the setting sun just outside the window and sending gold sparks shooting through the deep blue.

“I think maybe I’m starting to understand your animosity towards yoga,” he said with a teasing smile.

Tessa sucked in her bottom lip and bit down. “Yeah,” she said slowly. “Speaking of animosity…”

Kip lifted his chin and took a small step backwards. “That’s fair,” he said.

“You want to talk about it?” she asked.

Kip chewed on the inside of his cheek. Not really. He hated talking about it. He talked about it with his therapist, but that had been it.

Usually he would be fine when seeing his mom or dad, but that was also because he had mental exercises he performed leading up to it.

He hadn’t been able to prepare so he felt a bit blindsided. And that wasn’t Tessa’s fault. She had no way of knowing because—this is where his thoughts came full circle—he didn’t like talking about it.

“I didn’t know she was going to invite your parents,” Tessa said after he hadn’t spoken in a minute.

“I know.”

“But I feel like I should have guessed. Based on your reaction, I’m wishing I had.”

Kip shook his head, denying her assertion. “No, it’s not on you to anticipate something we’ve never even spoken about.”

“It feels like it’s on me,” she said softly. “Who else is going to have your back in this kind of situation?” She shrugged. “Maybe I’m just really excited for the responsibility.”

He felt his mouth twitch. “You’re excited—”

“Yes.”

“For the responsibility—”

“Yes.”

“Of anticipating my needs?”

“Yes.” She swallowed and took a step towards him, holding his eyes.

The air in between them changed, sending a frisson of awareness through his body.

“You’re not wearing anything that sparkles,” he said. He shook his head because he knew it didn’t explain anything, and yet it was the one thing he could actually vocalize as to what was wrong.

“What?” she asked, eyeing him curiously.

“You always have a little sparkle on. And while you look,” he swallowed as his gaze ran over her again. “So good. Damn. Seriously.” The black dress clung to her body showcasing the curves and muscles he’d been around to help develop over the past few weeks. And her legs—shit, he wanted to bust something when he looked at her mile-long legs. “But,” he tried to get back to his point. “You always wear something with glitter on it.”

Tessa dropped her eyes to the floor as a small smile curved her lips. She stood in thought for several seconds before letting him know why.

“There’s no glitter allowed in my mom’s house.”

Kip’s eyebrows dipped harshly with his frown.

“She doesn’t like the mess,” Tessa went on to explain, but not in a way as if she agreed. “She says it gets into everything—carpet, drapes, clothes, furniture. I suspect it’s probably something to do with my father’s illicit affairs. It’s a way of tracking where he’s been since glitter is so difficult to wash away.”

“That’s stupid,” Kip stated bluntly.

Tessa coughed a laugh. “It is. But this is how they live.”

Kip shook his head and rolled his eyes to the ceiling. Now it made sense. “I was freaking out,” he began to confess. “Because I was afraid you were changing who you were for other people.”

Tessa had been taking a sip of her scotch and she almost spit it out with her laugh. She recovered and came closer to him. She held out one manicured hand and tilted it back and forth. There, in the cuticle beds on each finger, was a line of gold glitter.

“I’m not great at following stupid rules,” she said, with a throaty chuckle.

The pressure in his lungs lifted, making it easier to breathe again. A fact he hadn’t realized until it was gone. Of course, Tessa wouldn’t conform to silly requirements.

He knew that.

It was a truth so regular that he found himself washed in shame for even thinking she would be swayed to be someone else.

She was a little rebel and he loved it.

He loved her.

Whoa.

Okay so that had happened.

“What’s going on in there?” she asked, narrowing her eyes at him.

He tried not to smile, but she was way too cute to avoid it. “I was thinking about you,” said.

“Me?” She arched an eyebrow. “Good things?”

His gaze grew lazy as he stared into her eyes. “Always good things,” he murmured.

She gave him a smirk and held his eyes for a beat before crossing the room and putting her back against the wall. In one long, slow, graceful decent, she sat down with her legs out in front of her and crossed her ankles.

She tilted her head to the side, beckoning him to join her.

Kip took another minute to admire his girl—the dress, the hair, her small rebellion holding a glass of scotch aloft, the setting sun.

His safe place.

He’d never had one before.

 

 

***

 

 

TESSA

 

Kip joined her against the wall facing the windows.

A small voice inside was telling her to slow down. Not because they were actually doing anything dangerous, but because the emotions sparking around them once they’d crossed the threshold to her old room could have started a wildfire.

And wasn’t that its own kind of danger?

“I feel like there’s a lot we need to talk about,” she said, cradling the crystal tumbler in her lap.

Kip’s hip was pressed to hers, and their line of connection continued down his thigh to his knee where they parted again. He’d worn dark dress pants and a white button up shirt, sans tie. His longish hair had still been damp from his shower when she’d picked him up. It had dried in her favorite style—messy and kind of in his eyes.

No, it wasn’t really Kip. But it was a version of Kip she understood. This was the person he had to be in front of her parents. She’d noticed how he’d been careful to wear long sleeves to cover his tattoos.

Before the thought finished she set aside her drink and pulled his arm into her lap.

He didn’t ask what she was doing, instead he just let her have control. She unbuttoned the cuff and expertly rolled the sleeve up to expose the octopus.

Without being prompted he angled his body and gave her his other arm. She felt his eyes on her face as she did the same thing.

“There,” she said, her voice husky. “Much better.”

Her gaze left her handywork to find him staring at her. His eyes dropped to her mouth and she felt her lips part in response.

They hadn’t kissed since that first time and it had been a slow form of torture for her. Not that she was complaining. The anticipation had been building to a point where she was wondering if she’d instantly fall apart the moment it happened.

He brushed her hair out of her eyes, his hand lingered near her jaw, barely touching. But she could feel the heat of him. His fingers extended gently into her hair at her ear and his thumb grazed her jaw line. It came forward again and his thumb brushed across her lower lip, slightly tugging it to the side. His eyes watched its movement, pupils dilated.

“Kip,” she said, his name a prayer on her lips.

His eyes bounced up to hers and back to her lips.

Then his mouth descended and brushed across hers.

Once.

Twice.

Again.

Her eyes closed as she let out a soft gasp. His hot tongue traced her lower lip and she opened her mouth further.

She wanted him.

All of him.

He read her mind and their tongues tangled, sliding against one another, finding all the places that needed attention. He tasted like scotch and saltwater.

She let out a moan that was new to her ears. She’d never been so wild with a man that she lost control of her faculties.

But Kip was unlike any man she’d ever known.

Her legs moved restlessly as she tried to angle her body towards him, needing to increase their contact.

Her hands found their way into his messy hair, a place they had longed to be for quite some time.

Their kiss grew in urgency and Tessa wished they were anywhere else.

Kip broke away, his breathing heavy.

“Tess,” he whispered against her lips. “There are things—” he swallowed as he tried to catch his breath. She peppered his lips and jaw with small kisses. “I need to tell you.”

She rested her head against the wall behind her, taking in the sight of him. His hair even more messy, his eyes lit with lust and adoration.

Her heart pounded in her chest.

No one had ever looked at her like that.

Like they were lost for her.

Kip smiled, his deep dimples coming out to say hello. She ran her hands from his hair down to cradle his face, her thumbs tracing the lines of his smile.

“What do you need to tell me?” she asked.

“You are so incredibly beautiful,” he said softly. “Every part of you.”

He took a deep breath, calming down, and then sat back against the wall. He reached for her hand and laced his fingers with hers and pressed it to the top of his thigh.

“I think, given what just happened.” He squeezed her hand. “We should talk about this weekend and any expectations… or, uh, concerns we might have.”

Tessa nodded once.

Ah, yes.

The sexy times.

That small voice in her head was back, reminding her that they hadn’t discussed his feelings about his parents. In fact, it could be argued that he’d changed the subject in a deliberately sexy way in order to distract her.

However.

A conversation about future intimacy needed to be had as well.

“What are you hoping for this weekend?” she asked, trying to sound as casual as possible.

“Well,” Kip chuckled softly and picked up his drink from where he’d sat it down next him. He drained the rest of the scotch and she noticed his cheeks were pink. “That’s one of those things we haven’t talked about.”

He rotated his head to face her and she saw the conflict and…was that embarrassment?

“Tessa,” he started, his voice rough. “My experience is…limited.”

“Limited,” she repeated, her mind trying to translate his non-specific wording.

He licked his lips and his eyes drifted to the side. “I’ve never…”

“You’re a virgin?” she guessed.

His eyes snapped back to hers. “Technically.”

“What does technically mean?” she asked with a half-smile.

Kip was a virgin? Why was that so forking hot?

“It means I’ve done…stuff with women, but I’ve not had the full experience.” He pressed his lips together, his expression wary.

Okay, interesting.

Tessa tried to keep her excitement tamped down.

“May I ask why?” she asked carefully.

His face grew even more pink and he looked around the room. “Well, I think the treatments had a lot to do with it.”

“But since then…?” she coaxed.

He ran his free hand over his face. “I just… I never wanted to go too far with someone I didn’t have… permanent feelings for.”

Oh! She totally got that!

“You want to be in love,” she stated.

His eyes finally connected with hers again. “Yeah.”

Her smile softened and squeezed his hand. “Me too.”

His eyebrows dipped swiftly. “You’re a virgin?”

She grimaced. “No. I made a couple forgettable mistakes. But I decided a few years ago that I didn’t want to sleep with anyone unless I was going to marry them. Telling a guy you’re dating that you need to be engaged before you put out really helps to weed out the jerks.”

“Engaged?” Kip asked, worry flashing in his eyes.

Tessa shook her head and hurried to explain. “No. I mean, kind of, but not really. I don’t exactly have a super strict rule. I fall in love way too easy. I just want to know he loves me too before I give him everything I can’t take back. Does that make sense?”

He nodded slowly. And his eyes drifted out of focus again.

Tessa decided to rest her head on his shoulder and watch the last rays of the sunset while he filtered through his thoughts.

Because what they had both revealed probably meant they wouldn’t be having sex this weekend. But maybe they’d have sexy times.

Neither one of them had declared love to the other. It was both too early and too late for that.

In the past, when they were writing desk poetry, they’d shared those three words with each other. But the adults they’d grown into? Did that love remain? Or had it changed to something new and special?

It was too soon to tell.

Wasn’t it?

And of course, because they were both paranoid motherfuckers, if one of them said love, the other would suspect it might not be genuine, but lust inspired.

Because the lust was so fucking real.

She wanted him. And she could tell he wanted her.

But unparalleled lust did not equal love.

And both of them knew that.

Kip reached into the pocket furthest away for her and pulled out a folded piece of notebook paper. He held it for a moment before offering it to her.

“What’s this?” she asked, taking the offering.

“It’s my list.”

Her heart raced and her fingers tingled where it touched the paper.

“Don’t read it here,” he said. “Take it home with you. Read it when I’m not around.”

“Okay…” she replied slowly. “Can I ask why?”

He huffed a soft laugh and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Because I know how you are and you’ll want to analyze it without me around.”

“That’s true, actually. Which is scary that you know that,” she admitted. She tucked the piece of paper into her dress. Well, into her bra in her dress, close to her heart.

He rested his head on top of hers and she could feel his smile against her hairline.

The door to the room opened and Tessa’s mom stuck her head in.

“You two need to stop hiding,” she chastised. “We have company. Now come out here, and be respectful.”

Ten years ago, Tessa would have bristled at such instruction. Much the same way she felt Kip bristle beside her. But she wasn’t an easily manipulated child anymore.

She sat up straight and smoothed her dress over her thighs.

“Is dinner almost ready?”

Her mom lifted her chin. “It’ll be another hour.” Then she left the room leaving the door open. The sound of her clicking heels faded down the hall.

“Another hour?” Kip asked.

“Yeah, I’m starving.” Tessa looked to Kip and bumped his shoulder. “How about a cheeseburger?”

His eyebrows arched and his lips hinted a smile. “A cheeseburger sounds awesome.”

“Help me up, handsome,” she said, swinging her legs to the side and tucking them beneath her for leverage.

Kip jumped to his feet and offered both his hands which she accepted. He pulled her to standing and held onto her hands as they came face to face.

Tessa waited for him to say something.

But he didn’t. At least not with words.

And seeing as his words had always meant so much to her, it was extraordinary what his eyes were able to convey in that moment.

She bit her lip, trying not to grin.

“Let’s blow this popsicle stand, babe.”

She grabbed his hand and they left the room but didn’t go back the way they had come. Instead, she led him through the back of the house and out a side entrance.

“We’re just going to leave?” he asked in a whisper as they crept around the side of the house in the dark.

She looked back at him. “Would you rather stay?”

“No,” he answered readily.

“Then we’re going.”

She hurried down the grass slope towards the driveway knowing her Jimmy Choos would never be the same.

And not giving one damn about it.

 

***

 

KIP

 

He’d driven past this diner hundreds of times and not once thought to stop. It was just some vintage place for old timers to get eggs and coffee.

Or so he’d thought.

It was 50s retro to be sure, but there was a coziness to it he really didn’t see coming.

The smell of burgers, fries, and other greasy comfort foods hung in the air as Tessa led him to a booth.

The red vinyl covered benches squeaked when they took their seats.

Something about sitting across from a beautiful woman in a designer party dress in a diner where they probably served milkshakes with two straws had Kip laughing to himself.

“What’s so funny?” Tessa asked, scanning the laminated menu.

“Life,” Kip summarized quickly as the waitress stopped at their table.

“Did you just come from one of those fancy Hollywood parties,” the waitress—“Dot” as her nametag stated—asked with a smile.

“Dot.” Tessa set her menu down. “Can I get the biggest, cheesiest, greasiest burger you have?”

Dot smirked and wrote the order on her pad.

“Me too.” Kip waggled his eyebrows at Tessa.

“Milkshake and fries for you two?” Dot asked.

“Chocolate please.” Tessa beamed and Dot winked at her before walking away.

Oldies music filtered through the ceiling speakers, making Kip feel like he should be wearing a red jacket and a cigarette behind his ear a la James Dean.

“So.” Tessa planted her elbow on the table and her chin in her palm, giving him a serious stare. “Let’s talk about your folks.”

Kip shifted in his seat making it squeak conspicuously.

“I can’t believe we just left without saying goodbye. Aren’t you worried?”

She narrowed her eyes. “About what?”

“About anything?” he asked, his neck growing warm.

“I worry about tons of shit,” she said around a self-deprecating chuckle. “But my parents being pissed at me for leaving a situation they made uncomfortable on purpose? Not so much.” Her eyebrows rose, prompting him. “Now don’t avoid the subject.”

Kip’s eyes nervously skipped around the room. He didn’t want to talk about it. Not that he didn’t want to tell Tessa everything. Because he did. He wanted to share every thought he ever had with her for the rest of his life.

He just wished he didn’t have this to share. On more than one occasion in his life he’d wished it didn’t exist. It would have made things easier if he could just… not care.

“My parents...” Kip groaned and cleared his throat. His gaze finally landed on her. “You’re not going to like me very much after I tell you.”

She rolled her eyes. “Stop being dramatic and just tell me.”

“The reason you won’t like me anymore is because you’ll see what a wimp I am. That I still…let them get to me.” He tilted his gaze back to look at the ceiling, as if answers would rain down from heaven.

She blinked at him and something in those dark blue eyes, eyes that reminded him of sea depths and storm clouds made him stop running from it. For just a moment, he turned around and faced the one part of his life he hadn’t yet dealt with.

“I have zero clue what my father is like. The only time I ever spent with him was during holidays when he’d come home because the office was closed.” He crossed his arms on the top of the table. “My mom had me because she wanted a baby. It was just part of the image she wanted to present. It was trendy and a baby was just another accessory. Just another purse or bracelet or hat.” He ran his tongue over the front of his teeth, trying to get rid of the bitter taste in his mouth.

“My entire life was mapped out for me: this school, this university, this career, this wife, this house, and so on. I was reminded constantly that I was to follow the plan. I was to keep the Carter name respectable.

“I had no desire to be a lawyer. I liked to be outside. I liked to read fiction. I liked to listen to rock and roll.”

He rolled his eyes. Saying it out loud made it sound so silly. Even if the reality of it was terrifying to live through. Mom was not to be tested. If he couldn’t follow the plan, then he would be persuaded.

That usually involved stripping his room of any kind of personal possessions. No colors, no posters, no toys.

“When I got sick, it was just another way I had disappointed them. I was a faulty model. They made sure I had medical care; it wasn’t like they were monsters. But at home I had to pretend like I felt fine. In front of friends and colleagues, I needed to be at my best. And if I couldn’t, then I was hidden away.

“I suppose that’s why it felt so normal to hide it from my friends.

“My mom’s entire life is one big façade—scripted, staged, bought, packaged, resold.

“Don’t get in the way of how she looks to the rest of the world because you will be sorry.”

“Did you get in the way?” Tessa asked softly.

He cleared his throat. “Yeah. More than once. Her rage is… something else…” he trailed off. A sick, smoldering sensation pressed against his chest from the inside. “I don’t go home anymore. Because no matter what, I will always fall short of their expectations. And after almost dying…” He paused and tapped his fingers on the table. “I know death is coming. And I don’t want to die unhappy.”

Tessa’s hands grabbed both of his and he glanced up at her.

“Okay,” she said, her eyes and voice filled with emotion. “Promise me you’ll chase it.”

“Chase what?”

“Life. Right to the very end.”

“Okay,” he agreed.

“Okay,” she said again and sat back in the booth, a determined look on her face. “I am sorry I pushed you to talk about it. It wasn’t my place. But you were wrong. I don’t dislike you at all. In fact, I admire you very much.”

Dot returned and set their burgers and fries down on the table, along with their milkshakes.

Both of them thanked her, and Tessa took one of her fries and dipped it into her milkshake.

“I will say this, though,” she said.

“What’s that?” Kip asked right as he bit into the biggest, juiciest burger he’d ever tasted.

“Your mom better hope I don’t see her on the street or I’m likely to hit her with my car.” She popped the fry in her mouth and dusted her hands on her napkin.

Kip choked and nearly spit his food across the table at her.

He glared at her as he tried to chew and cough at the same time.

She shrugged, a small, pleased smile on her perfect lips.

Adorable with an edge.

And his everything.