We arrive at the Two-Dollar Shop. Pinchy McPhee is out the front, waving his claws around and singing at the top of his voice.
Grand Sale! Grand Sale!
I’m having a great grand sale!
All items in my Two-Dollar Shop
Are priced at just TWO DOLLARS a pop!
Not one, not three
Not five: just TWO!
Just TWO dollars!
It’s amazing—but true!
So—
‘Excuse me, Pinchy,’ I say quickly (before he can start a third verse), ‘but isn’t everything in the Two-Dollar Shop always only two dollars?’
‘Of course,’ says Pinchy. ‘But today is a grand sale so two dollars is an extra-special price!’
Q What did the bird say at the sale?
A Cheap! Cheap!
Terry frowns. ‘But if everything is normally two dollars and your sale price is two dollars, how is today different from any other day?’
‘Because any other day is not a grand sale and today is!’ says Pinchy, getting slightly crabby and waving his claws dangerously close to us.
We nod and step into the shop before he can get any crabbier.
‘Wow!’ says Terry. ‘This shop has everything! Check it out!’
Q What do you call a sheep without legs?
A A cloud.
‘Hey, look at this electric banana,’ says Terry. ‘It’s only two dollars!’
‘And this giant glow-in-the-dark marshmallow is bigger than my head,’ he says. ‘And it’s only two dollars, too!’
Q What’s yellow and smells like bananas?
A Monkey vomit.
‘And check out this model of our treehouse!’ says Terry. ‘We could buy it and have a treehouse in our treehouse!’
‘And there’s also a model of the model of the treehouse!’ he says. ‘We could have a treehouse in our treehouse in our treehouse!’
‘Oh, wow!’ says Terry, picking up a golden toilet seat. ‘Here’s that solid gold toilet seat we’ve always wanted—and it’s only two dollars as well! Can we get it, Andy? Please, please, please, please, please, please? A solid gold toilet seat would solve all our problems!’
‘No, it wouldn’t,’ I say. ‘We came to buy a Joke Writer 2000™ and that’s what we’re going to do. That is going to solve all our problems.’
Q Why did Tigger go to the bathroom?
A He was looking for his friend, Pooh.
‘Oh, yeah, I forgot,’ says Terry, turning to Pinchy. ‘Excuse me, Pinchy, do you sell pencils?’
‘Of course I do,’ says Pinchy. He takes a deep breath and starts singing.
I have pens and pencils and writing utensils
Of all sorts right here in my store:
I have dip pens and gel pens and ballpoints and biros
And textas and markers galore!
I have a pen you can use as a lipstick,
And a pen that can write under water,
And a pen for writing excuses,
In case you haven’t done something you oughta.
I have a pen that can write upside down
Like the astronauts took into space,
And a pen you can use to write notes on your hand.
Or—if you prefer—on your face.
Q Where do astronauts park their spaceships?
A Parking meteors.
And here is a pen,
My pen-loving friends,
That comes with a little night-light.
You can write in the night
For as long as you like
Because the little night-light is quite bright!
And here is a pen
With a fan on the end—
You can use it to write when it’s hot.
And it also comes with a heater attached
So you can write whether it’s hot or it’s not.
Q What did one pencil say to the other pencil?
A ‘You’re looking sharp!’.
I have a pen that writes with invisible ink,
That’s particularly good for spies,
And a pen that always tells the truth
And one that will only write lies.
I have a pen that changes into a car,
And one that turns into a jet.
And a pen with fur and ears and a tail—
It’s the next best thing to a pet!
So, as you can see, I have all you could need,
And no pen is priced over two dollars.
I have bargains galore in my two-dollar store
For authors, illustrators and scholars!
‘So, what will it be?’ says Pinchy. ‘What type of pen or pencil would you like?’
‘A Joke Writer 2000™, please,’ I say.
Q What did the pen say to the pencil?
A ‘So, what’s your point?’
‘I’m afraid I’m clean out of them,’ says Pinchy. ‘They’ve been very popular this morning, thanks to my biplane advertising campaign. But, not to worry, I have lots of other wonderful pens and pencils.’
He takes a deep breath.
‘Uh-oh,’ whispers Terry. ‘I think he’s going to sing again.’
‘No, it’s okay, Pinchy,’ I say quickly. ‘We really just want a Joke Writer 2000TM.’
‘I guess you could try Fancy Fish’s Two-Million-Dollar Shop,’ says Pinchy. ‘He might have one.’
‘Thanks, Pinchy!’ says Terry. ‘We’ll go there right now.’
We fly to the Two-Million-Dollar Shop as fast as we can without stopping.
Q What’s a plumber’s favourite song?
A Singing in the Drain.
The Two-Million-Dollar Shop is much better than the Two-Dollar Shop, but, of course, all the stuff is a lot more expensive.
‘Wow!’ says Terry. ‘This shop has everything! Check it out!’
Q Why do birds fly south?
A Because it’s too far to walk.
‘Greetings, my good fellows,’ says Fancy Fish. ‘Welcome to my two-million-dollar emporium. How may I be of service?’
‘We’d like to buy a Joke Writer 2000™, please,’ I say.
Q What’s green, sticky and smells like eucalyptus?
A Koala vomit.
‘An excellent choice, if I may say so, sir,’ says Fancy Fish. ‘The Joke Writer 2000™ is a wonderful pencil and very well-priced at only two million dollars. They have proved enormously popular—in fact, this is my last one.’ He places it on the counter in front of us.
‘We’ll buy it!’ says Terry.
‘Hang on, not so fast,’ I say. I turn to Fancy Fish. ‘Will you excuse me for a moment while I consult with my colleague?’
‘Of course,’ says Fancy Fish.
I draw Terry aside.
‘What’s the matter, Andy?’ he says. ‘It’s exactly what we need.’
‘Yes,’ I say, ‘but it costs two million dollars and we only have two one-dollar coins!’
Q Where do fish go for their holidays?
A Finland.
‘Oh, yeah,’ says Terry, ‘that’s too bad ... unless ... unless ...’
‘Unless what?’ I say.
‘Unless we use our money-making machine to make one million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight dollars? Then we can add our two one-dollar coins and we’ll have two million dollars!’
‘Brilliant!’ I say. ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’
‘Because you’ve got a toothache, that’s why.’
‘Ouch!’ I say. ‘Thanks for reminding me.’
I turn to Fancy Fish. ‘Hold that Joke Writer 2000™ —we’ll be right back!’
‘Well, I’ll try,’ says Fancy Fish, ‘but I can’t guarantee anything. At this price it won’t last long.’
Q Why do some fish live at the bottom of the ocean?
A Because they dropped out of school.