‘Well, if we’re going to have this book ready to read to the bears, we’d better get started,’ says Terry.
‘I know!’ I say (moan). ‘But my tooth is still killing me. I hope the money-making machine made enough money for us to buy the Joke Writer 2000TM.’
I pick up a handful of sticky money and start counting.
‘One ... five ... two ... (groan)’
‘Andy?’ says Terry.
‘Shush,’ I say, ‘I’m trying to concentrate. Seven five ... nine ... (moan)’
Q Why didn’t the cannibals eat the clown?
A Because he tasted funny.
‘Um, Andy?’
‘Not now, Terry. Ten ... eleventeen—’
‘ANDY!!!’shouts Terry.
‘Stop interrupting me!’ I say. ‘You’ve made me lose my place! I’m going to have to start all over again!’
‘Sorry,’ says Terry. ‘But that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. The readers and I were wondering if you could count a bit faster ... and in the right order.’
‘I’m counting as fast—and as well—as I can!’ I say.
‘But it’s taking forever,’ says Terry. ‘I think you might need a little help. I’m going to the stupid-hat level—I’ll be right back.’
Q What do penguins wear on their heads?
A Ice caps.
A few minutes later Terry returns with a stupid-looking hat, which he puts on my head.
‘I don’t want to wear this stupid hat,’ I say.
‘I know it looks stupid,’ says Terry, ‘but it will make you smart: it’s a stupid-looking, super-fast counting hat.’
‘Well, in that case,’ I say, ‘let the super-fast counting begin!’
Q Why was six afraid of seven?
A Because seven ate nine.
Pretty soon I’ve counted every last bit of money. ‘We have one million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-six dollars,’ I say.
‘Darn!’ says Terry. ‘We’re four dollars short.’
Q When I point up it’s bright but when I point down it’s dark. What am I?
A A light switch.
‘Only two dollars short, actually,’ I say. ‘Remember, we’ve also got my one-dollar coin and your one-dollar coin.’
‘In that case,’ says Terry. ‘All we have to do is use the money-making machine to make two more dollars.’
‘We can’t!’ I say. ‘The HONEY/MONEY switch is all glugged up with honey and won’t flick back to money.’
‘Oh, no!’ says Terry. ‘How are we going to pay for the Joke Writer 2000™ now?’
‘I don’t know,’ I say. ‘I can’t think of anything. My tooth hurts too much.’
‘What about the burp bank?’ says Terry. ‘We must have at least twenty spare burps in there. We could use them!’
‘We can’t pay in burps,’ I say.
‘Why not?’ says Terry.
‘Because then everybody would be doing it,’ I say. ‘And it would be disgusting.’
‘That’s too bad,’ says Terry. ‘I think paying for things with burps would be cool.’
Q What kind of running means walking?
A Running out of petrol.
‘Maybe we should try the deep-thoughts thinking room,’ says Terry. ‘That might help. Remember how last time we were there I had the thought that it might be nice to have ice-cream with sausages for breakfast and then we did and I was right?’
‘Yeah,’ I say, ‘that was a good deep thought. Let’s try it.’
Q Two sausages are on a grill. One says, ‘Wow, is it hot in here or is it just me?’ What does the other one say?
A ‘Wow! A talking sausage!’.
We fly to the deep-thoughts thinking room and settle into our deep-thoughts thinking positions.
‘Hmmm (moan) ...’
‘Got anything yet, Andy?’
‘Nope. You?’
‘Not yet...’
Q What happened to Einstein when he took a shower?
A He was brainwashed.
‘Hang on (groan), I think I’m having a deep thought!’
‘Hey, me too! What’s yours?’
‘It’s about how much my tooth is aching ...’
‘Mine’s about sausages ...’
Q What does a shark eat with peanut butter?
A Jellyfish.
‘I’ve got it!’ says Terry. ‘Sausages and sausages and sausages! What did you come up with?’
‘Nothing,’ I say. ‘All I can think about is how much my tooth aches (moan). And how it’s all your fault! If only you’d listened to me when I said don’t bump the honey/money switch on the money-making machine. But you went and bumped it anyway and now we don’t have enough money to buy a Joke Writer 2000™!’
‘Look on the bright side,’ says Terry. ‘We got lots of honey.’
Q What has teeth but no mouth?
A A comb.
‘But we didn’t need honey,’ I say. ‘We need a Joke Writer 2000™! And the only reason we need that is because I have a toothache, and my toothache is your fault, too!’
‘How is your toothache my fault?’ says Terry.
‘Remember that marshmallow-flavoured toothpaste you invented for people who hate peppermint-flavoured toothpaste?’
‘Yes,’ says Terry. ‘What about it?’
‘Well, it didn’t prevent tooth decay,’ I say. ‘It caused it!’
‘That’s not my fault,’ says Terry, ‘I put a warning on the tube. Look—it’s right here!’
Q How do you clean a dirty tuba?
A With a tuba toothpaste.
‘But why would you invent such a dumb toothpaste in the first place?’ I say. ‘If only you’d listened to me when I said NOT to invent a really dumb toothpaste! In fact, pretty much all of our problems could be avoided IF ONLY YOU WOULD LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY!!!’
‘Hey, that gives me an idea for a song,’ says Terry.
Q What kind of music are balloons afraid of?
A Pop music.
If only I’d listened to Andy,
I would never have done anything wrong.
If only I’d listened to Andy,
I wouldn’t be singing this song.
But I didn’t listen to Andy
And now he is groaning in pain.
Oh, why am I always so stupid?
Again and again and again?!
Like the time I married a mermaid,
Who was actually a monster from the sea,
And she practically ended up eating
Both my good friend Andy and me!
Q Which part of a mermaid weighs the most?
A Her scales.
And the time I used the sharks in the shark tank
To wash my underpants.
And the time I left open the ant farm gate
And let out all of the ants.
If only I’d listened to Andy,
I wouldn’t have invented a machine
To write and draw our books for us
That turned out to be really mean.
Q How do snails get their shells so shiny?
A They use snail polish.
And if only I hadn’t trained Ninja Snails–
Oh, hang on, they worked out okay!
Even though it took them 100 years,
They ended up saving the day.
But I didn’t listen to Andy
When he warned me about spying cows!
And then their stupid, dumb mooo-vie
Was much more successful than ours.
Q What do you call a cow’s bedtime stones?
A Dairy tales.
If only I’d listened to Andy
When we were using our machine to make money,
I wouldn’t have bumped the switch
And flooded the treehouse with honey.
And I would NEVER have indented a toothpaste
That was ninety-nine percent candy.
I’m so sorry for all the dumb things I have done.
Oh, I feel so bad for poor Andy.
Q How do you spell candy in two letters?
A C and Y.
If only I could think of a way
To get that tooth out of his head,
Why, I’d pull it right out in an instant
And he could leave it at night by his bed.
The tooth fairy could come and collect it
And leave a gold coin in its place
And Andy would feel so much better–
It would put a huge smile on his face!
Q Why are tooth fairies so smart?
A They gather a lot of wisdom teeth.
He’d say, ‘Terry, you’re not such a dumdum!
You’ve done something right for a change!
We can take all this money back to the shop
And get the pencil we need in exchange!’
‘THAT’S IT! HEY, ANDY! I’VE GOT A WAY TO SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS AND MAKE EVERYTHING RIGHT!’
Q What happens when you put a tooth into a glass of water?
A It gets wet.
‘Not now, Terry,’ I say. ‘This is no time for jokes— my tooth is hurting too much!’
‘I know that,’ he says, ‘but your tooth is the solution to our problem.’
‘How do you figure that?’ I say.
‘All we need to do is pull it out,’ says Terry. ‘And then you can leave it out tonight for the tooth fairy and you will get two dollars for it and then we’ll have enough money to buy the Joke Writer 2000™!’
‘That’s crazy,’ I say.
‘Oh,’ says Terry, disappointed.
‘So crazy it just might work!’ I say. ‘Let’s try it!’
‘Yay!’ says Terry.
Q How did the hammerhead shark do on his test?
A He nailed it.