‘Wake up, Andy!’ says Terry, shaking me roughly. Andy! Wake up!’
‘What is it now, Terry?’ I say. ‘You promised to be quiet! I’m trying to get to sleep so the tooth fairy can come!’
Q What did the werewolf eat after he had his tooth fixed?
A The dentist.
‘You did fall asleep!’ says Terry. ‘And the tooth fairy did come!’
‘Really?’ I say.
‘Yes,’ says Terry, picking up the glass. ‘Look!’
At the bottom of the glass is a shiny, brand-new two-dollar coin.
‘It worked!’ I say. ‘We’ve got the two dollars we need. But how did you know?’
‘I saw the whole thing!’ says Terry. ‘They made so much noise I was afraid they were going to wake you up.’
‘They?’ I say. ‘I thought there was only one tooth fairy.’
Q Why does Dracula clean his teeth three times a day?
A To prevent bat breath.
‘There is,’ says Terry, breathlessly, ‘but she had a whole gang of helpers and they had a little truck with a crane and a money-making machine just like ours—only it was tiny, and it didn’t make honey. I followed them back to Fairyland and I saw them use your tooth as a firework to help celebrate the fairy queen’s birthday!’
‘Are you sure you didn’t fall asleep as well?’ I say. ‘Sounds like you’ve been dreaming.’
‘No, it’s true,’ says Terry. ‘You can ask the readers. They were there too. They saw me see the whole thing!’
‘It’s not that I don’t believe you,’ I say. ‘But I think I will check with them anyway.’
Well, readers, is it true? Did Terry really see all that stuff?
Q What is Dracula’s favourite fruit?
A Neck-tarines.
‘You see?’ says Terry. ‘I told you!’
‘Yeah,’ I say, ‘sorry for not believing you. But never mind, what’s most important is that now we have enough money to buy the Joke Writer 2000™!’
Q Where can you always find money?
A In the dictionary.
I get out of bed and get dressed. We grab the rest of our money, jump onto our jet-propelled office chairs and fly as fast as we can to the Two-Million-Dollar Shop.
‘Ah, I was wondering when you’d be back,’ says Fancy Fish.
‘Do you still have the Joke Writer 2000™?’ says Terry.
‘Yes,’ says Fancy Fish, ‘but there’s been a lot of interest since you left. You’re very lucky it’s still available.’
‘We’ll buy it!’ I say.
‘An excellent decision, sir,’ says Fancy Fish. ‘Would you like it gift-wrapped? I have some very fancy wrapping paper for only two million dollars: the finest-quality wrapping paper in the land—or in the sea!’
Q What kind of ant is really good at mathematics?
A An accountant.
‘No, thanks,’ I say, ‘it’s not a gift; it’s for us—we need it for our book.’
‘As you please,’ says Fancy Fish, putting his fin out. ‘That will be four million dollars, please.’
‘Four million dollars?’ says Terry.
‘Yes, that is correct,’ says Fancy Fish.
‘But it was only two million dollars before,’ I say.
‘I know,’ says Fancy Fish, shrugging, ‘but since then the price has gone up.’
‘But this is the Two-Million-Dollar Shop,’ I say.
‘Exactly!’ he says. ‘Nothing under two million dollars. That’s our promise to you.’
‘But you can’t just double the price of something for no reason,’ says Terry.
‘I think you’ll find I can,’ says Fancy Fish, pointing to a sign above the counter.
Q What is the easiest way to double your money?
A Put it in front of a mirror.
‘Darn it!’ I say. ‘How are we going to afford the Joke Writer 2000™ now?’
‘We could wait until the price goes down again,’ says Terry hopefully.
‘I don’t think that’s going to happen,’ I say. ‘Look at that sign.’
Q How much money does a skunk have?
A One scent.
‘This shop is too expensive,’ says Terry. ‘I wish we’d never put it in our treehouse.’
‘Me, too,’ I say. ‘But, on the other hand, it’s the only shop where we can buy a Joke Writer 2000™ and we need a Joke Writer 2000™!’
‘Yeah, I know,’ says Terry. ‘I guess we’re just going to have to find another two million dollars. Maybe we could pull out some more of your teeth. The fairy queen was very happy with your last tooth. Perhaps the tooth fairy would pay us more than two dollars per tooth—especially if we explained the situation.’
‘No way!’ I say. ‘You are not pulling out any more of my teeth! Besides, I’ve got a much better idea.’
‘What is it?’ says Terry.
‘We can go to the Two-Dollar Shop and use my new two-dollar coin to buy another two million dollars. Then we’ll have four million dollars and we can come back and buy the Joke Writer 2000™!’
Q What has 100 heads and 100 tails?
A 100 coins.
‘Wow,’ says Terry, ‘you are getting much better at maths, Andy! But you’ve made a slight miscalculation. If we use your two dollars to buy two million dollars, we’ll still be two dollars short, so we need to buy two million and two dollars.’
‘Oh, yeah,’ I say.
I turn to Fancy Fish. ‘Hold that Joke Writer 2000™! We’ll be right back!’
We rush to the Two-Dollar Shop. When we arrive Pinchy McPhee is out the front beside a big pile of money and a MONEY SALE sign.
Q If there are four dollars and you take away three, how many do you have?
A You took three dollars, so obviously you have three.
‘We’re in luck, Andy!’ says Terry. ‘Pinchy is having a money sale! All the money is only two dollars! This is the best value shop in the whole treehouse!’
‘You’re right about that!’ says Pinchy. ‘How can I help you?’
‘We’d like to buy two million and two dollars, please,’ I say.
‘Certainly,’ says Pinchy. He grabs a big pile of cash and puts it on the counter.
‘There you go,’ he says. ‘Two million and two dollars! That will be two dollars, please. Would you like that gift-wrapped?’
Q What do giraffes have that no other animal has?
A Baby giraffes.
‘No, thanks,’ I say, ‘it’s not a gift; it’s for us—we need it to buy a Joke Writer 2000™ for our book.’
I hand over my new two-dollar coin. ‘Thanks, Pinchy!’
‘Thank you,’ says Pinchy, pinching the shiny gold coin in his pincer. ‘I think I feel a song coming on!’
‘Uh-oh,’ whispers Terry. ‘Let’s get out of here!’
When we get back to the Two-Million-Dollar Shop Fancy Fish is waiting for us, still holding the Joke Writer 2000™ in his fin.
‘Well?’ he says. ‘What’s your decision?’
‘We’ll buy it!’ I say.
‘Wonderful,’ says Fancy Fish. ‘That will be eight million dollars, please!’
Q What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A Fsh.
‘WHAT?!’ I say. ‘EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS?!’
‘YOU CAN’T DOUBLE THE PRICE AGAIN!’ says Terry. ‘IT’S NOT RIGHT AND IT’S NOT FAIR!’
‘Relax,’ says Fancy Fish. ‘Keep your scales on! I was just having a little joke. The price is still four million dollars.’
‘Phew!’ says Terry, as we dump the money on the counter. ‘For a moment there I thought we were going to have to go back to the Two-Dollar Shop and buy even more money!’
Fancy Fish sweeps all the money off the counter with a swift swish of his fancy fins and then puts the Joke Writer 2000™ in my hand. I immediately feel 110 percent funnier. This book is going to be good. This book is going to be great. This book is going to be the goodest, greatest, funniest book we have ever written!
Q What do you get when you cross a fish and a kitten?
A A purr-anha.