He that respects himself is safe from others;
he wears a coat of mail that none can pierce.
HENRY W. LONGFELLOW
If you make the LORD your refuge,
if you make the Most High your shelter,
no evil will conquer you.
PSALM 91:9-10
Abigail was married to a foolish and cruel man. Her husband, Nabal, was wealthy but selfish. While David was fleeing King Saul, he and his men camped for a time where Nabal’s servants were herding sheep. Chapter 25 in 1 Samuel tells us that David’s entourage treated Nabal’s shepherds honorably, and David expected Nabal to be grateful and hospitable in return. Rather than being thankful for David’s protection, however, Nabal insulted him by disrespecting David’s greeting and refusing his request for provisions.
David did not respond well to Nabal’s stingy and disrespectful behavior. Enraged, he swore vengeance on Nabal’s entire household. One of the servants saw what happened and ran to tell Abigail. He begged her to come up with a plan, because he knew it was useless to talk to Nabal. He said, “He is such a wicked man that no one can talk to him” (1 Samuel 25:17 NIV).
Although Abigail was married to a destructive person, she is described as both beautiful and intelligent. Her servant affirms this when he trusts that she will figure out what to do next. Abigail wasted no time; she knew what she must do and quickly did it. First, she prepared a feast to take to David and his men. She sent her servants out ahead of her, but she did not inform her husband what she planned.
Meanwhile, David worked himself into a rage as he brooded over Nabal’s sarcasm and mistreatment. As Abigail entered the ravine, she saw David, thirsty for vengeance, getting ready to massacre every male in Nabal’s household. She scrambled off her mule and bowed herself low before him.
Abigail began to speak, but she did not make excuses for her husband’s poor behavior. She told it like it was: “I know Nabal is a wicked and ill-tempered man; please don’t pay any attention to him. He is a fool, just as his name suggests” (verse 25). Miraculously, Abigail also takes responsibility for what happened. “I accept all blame in this matter, my lord,” she said (verse 24). She protected her husband and her household by putting herself on the line.
We know that Abigail acted wisely and resourcefully by the way she handled the situation, but we also know that she feared God. She knew what to say to help David remember that he was God’s anointed king, and she encouraged him to rethink his plan for vengeance. Abigail humbled herself before David and asked for his forgiveness, which allowed him to rise above his anger and trust God for justice against Nabal.
How did Abigail do it? What helped her survive as a person while in a toxic marriage? I’m certain that, just like any other woman, she longed for a husband who would cherish her. She stayed married, yet she did not allow her husband’s selfishness, harshness, or foolishness to destroy her. She demonstrated remarkable presence of mind, resilience, and inner beauty in spite of her circumstances. She chose to become a God-centered woman, and that choice kept her husband’s wickedness from rubbing off on her.
Growth Requires Letting Go
Over the years, I’ve worked with women and men who, like Abigail, have healed and grown in spite of the destructive people around them. I’d like to tell you about some of the steps they have taken to enable that process to occur.
When we attempt to accomplish greater emotional and spiritual work, we usually think about the all things we need to add to our lives. We want to read and study the Bible, do meaningful ministry, gain greater emotional stability, better our interpersonal skills, or seek additional wisdom. All these endeavors can be helpful in our maturing process. But I have found in my own life as well as in my counseling practice that deeper and more lasting change usually comes about when we regularly practice letting go rather than doing more.
Recently I was speaking with Richard, a client, who feared God’s judgment when he died because he wasn’t working harder to do more. As we talked I said, “Perhaps we’ve gotten the concept of final judgment wrong. What if, in the end, Jesus isn’t going to tell us everything we’ve ever done wrong or failed to do? What if he’s going to show us the person we could have become and the things we would have done if only we allowed him to heal and mature us?”
Richard grew up in an abusive home. He struggled with residual anger and bitterness and felt stuck, unable to move beyond it. I asked him to close his eyes and imagine: “What would Jesus say you could become if you would only let go of your bitterness? Your resentment and hatred of your parents? Your fears? The lies you’ve believed?”
The writer of Hebrews tells us that if we want to lead a life well lived, we must “strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up” (Hebrews 12:1). The apostle Paul tells us to “throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception” (Ephesians 4:22). For Richard, as with all of us, the sins that trip us up are usually the things we so firmly cling to.
As Richard thought about all of this, he began to grasp the enormous cost he was paying to hold on to these things. Embracing his garbage didn’t protect him from further hurt, nor did it pay back his abusers for their wrongdoing, but it did hinder him from growing into the person God intended him to be, and it kept him from living freely in the present.
Jesus once asked a man who was crippled, “Would you like to get well?” (John 5:6). The man replied that he couldn’t do what was needed to be healed, and he gave a variety of reasons that seemed logical. Perhaps deep down he preferred his current suffering to the discipline that wholeness and maturity required.
Letting go in order to grow can be scary. It requires change, which demands a certain degree of faith and hope. That’s why our picture of God must heal, at least a little, before we can embark on greater growth.
The writer of Hebrews reminds us that we can only let go and run the race of life well when we keep our eyes on Jesus. Abiding and surrender, the concepts I introduced in the previous chapter, continue to be important as we practice the discipline of letting go.
There are three things we must learn to let go of if we want greater healing and maturity in our lives.
Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations
One of the things that kept Abigail sane in her marriage was her deep roots in reality. She did not entertain any idealistic notions about her husband suddenly doing something noble or loving. She knew who he was, and that’s who she expected him to be. Abigail was not shocked by Nabal’s behavior toward David and his men.
Many individuals remain unhealthy in destructive relationships because they keep hoping that the other person will eventually become someone different. When that doesn’t happen, they feel angry, hurt, disappointed, and frustrated because somehow they still expect change. One common definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results. First recognizing and then releasing our unrealistic expectations of others is a crucial element in gaining greater mental and emotional health.
I reached a turning point in my own life when I finally said goodbye to the hope that somehow my mother would change. I resisted doing this because I so desired her to be in my life, and I wanted her to apologize for all the pain she caused. I didn’t want to accept that she might never see her problem, or that I couldn’t make her see it, nor could I make her do anything about it even if she did see it.
Letting go of what we want feels horrible at first, much like grieving a death. I had to accept that my mother was not going to play the role I wanted her to play in my life. As we go through the normal stages of grieving from denial to anger and bargaining and finally to acceptance, we feel deep pain and sorrow. But in the end, going through the process empowers us to move on with our lives. Staying stuck in denial or anger doesn’t help us live maturely or abundantly now.
You may be wondering why it was unrealistic of me to expect that my mother would want to be involved in my life. Most mothers do want to be close with their children. Likewise, many married people expect that their spouses will treat them honorably and lovingly, and there is nothing wrong with that. Our expectations only become problematic when they don’t align with what’s real or true. A healthy person always accepts reality and truth over fantasy and wishful thinking, even if it’s quite painful.
Recently I saw three white crosses planted alongside a roadway, a poignant reminder of the three teenagers who lost their lives in a tragic automobile accident. Along with the crosses were flowers, stuffed animals, photos, and cards, mementos left by friends and loved ones struggling to accept the harsh reality of these untimely deaths. These symbols were helpful to everyone who needed to face the truth and say goodbye. If however, we came upon this scene six months later and saw people still sitting on the grass, holding on to the stuffed animals, we would surely think something is dreadfully wrong.
Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not saying that six months is enough time to erase grief. The point is, if we don’t make some effort to embrace reality and let go of disappointment, even when it’s hard, we can’t move on. The process takes time and is difficult, but spring always comes after winter, and new life buds when we let our unrealistic expectations die.
Entitlement
For some of us, letting go is unusually difficult because we feel entitled to have the things we want. Our culture certainly reinforces the idea that we deserve these things. Why shouldn’t I have the kind of mother I long for? Why doesn’t God give me a better spouse? I’m not asking for anything unreasonable. This line of thought, though understandable, is emotionally destructive to us. It breeds discontent, resentment, and self-pity, which are lethal to our maturity and well-being. It also causes us to question God’s goodness and sovereignty, which hinders our spiritual lives.
PAYING ATTENTION TO
THE GOOD THINGS
One exercise that I practice to change the unrealistic ways I look at my circumstances is to take a moment to review each day, identify three good things that happened, and look for the reason why.1 Studies have shown that individuals who tend to notice the good in their lives live happier as well as longer. As humans we are not omniscient. We cannot pay attention to everything, and so by nature, we pay selective attention to life. Some say we create much of our own reality. Those who unconsciously attend more to the negative things feel more unhappy and discontent. When we consciously learn to pay attention to the good and positive things in life, we feel better.
When, as we learned in chapter 7, we take responsibility for our problems, we often see that our problem is that our expectations don’t match up with reality, and we don’t like it. What are you going to do about the expectations that are holding you back? Are you going to take steps to change what you can (always a good start)? What will you do with the things you cannot change? Either you will continue to be upset, and grumble and complain, or you can choose to surrender those things to God and learn to be content. The apostle Paul learned these lessons while sitting in prison (Philippians 4:11-12). Abigail released her expectations for a loving husband without bitterness, and she was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually stronger because of her choice.
Many psychological studies today confirm what the apostle Paul taught us almost two thousand years earlier. He said, “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise” (Philippians 4:8). He also reminded us to “be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:18).
Let Go of Negative Emotions
As we practice letting go of our unrealistic expectations, we may still fight negative feelings that we can’t shake. Richard did not have any expectations about a better relationship with his parents, but he stayed stuck because he allowed his understandable anger and hurt to harden into bitterness, hatred, and strong resentment. These negative emotions colored his mood and shaped his disposition, which in turn disrupted his present life. In order for Richard to grow healthier, he needed to learn how to release his destructive feelings.
It’s amazing how ensnared we become by our negative emotions and moods, and how helpless we feel to move beyond them. But each of us knows how to let them go when we need to. One day I felt rather cranky and miserable and let everyone around me know it. Then the phone rang. When I answered it, I heard myself say in the sweetest tone, “Hello.” Suddenly I got it. For a phone call, I let go of my negative feelings. After the phone conversation, I noticed my crankiness was not nearly as potent. Now don’t get me wrong: I could have easily revved it back up, but that time I chose to let it go entirely. As a result, I had a much better day, as did the people around me.
Some people choose to hold on to their resentment, believing that staying mad is a way of punishing the offender. That’s what Richard was doing. He didn’t want to forgive his parents or let go of his bitterness. He wanted them to pay for what they did to him. Of course, his parents weren’t paying the price; he was, as were his wife and children.
Having emotional and spiritual maturity doesn’t mean we don’t feel our emotions when someone treats us poorly. Becoming whole and holy means we don’t retaliate or seek revenge when they do. We forgive them and do them good, not harm, even if the relationship is broken.
Jesus shows us what full maturity (wholeness and holiness) looks like. He felt hurt and sad when he was mistreated and abused, but he didn’t revile in return (1 Peter 2:22). He felt brokenhearted when those he loved treated him with indifference, but he did not turn away or reject them (Matthew 23:37). Jesus did not have relationship with these individuals, but he never turned his back on them either. He always faced forward, acted in their best interests, and continued to invite them into repentance and into relationship. He is our example to strive toward.
Perhaps some of the most toxic and destructive emotions that we have difficulty letting go of are our own shame and self-hatred. People in destructive relationships experience a great deal of shame. Shame for failing to keep their relationships intact, shame for being rejected (I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, young enough, smart enough, thin enough, spiritual enough), shame for being unloved, and shame for not stopping what they allowed to happen. If you are a victim of your own shame and self-hatred, you are your own worst enemy. The one person most hindering you from becoming all God says you can be is you. Please learn to release these negative emotions so that you can heal. Otherwise they will slowly poison your spirit, soul, and body.
How to Do It
Now that you know you need to let go of these negative emotions, how do you actually do it? The very first step is to make the choice to do so. Bringing your will in line is the most important part of this process. Without it, your emotions will never cooperate. Decide, I will no longer allow these destructive emotions to run roughshod over my life. I will work, and when necessary, work hard, to release them.
David wrote the psalms to help him process and let go of his emotions. As we read them, we often discover that the first part of the psalm is a complaint, a fear, a hurt, or a question. As David works through his honest feelings, we see that by the end of the psalm he is often feeling better. Keep a daily journal and honestly face what you feel. Don’t be afraid of your feelings, but ask them a question: Why are you here? Allow yourself to be with your feelings for a time, and invite Jesus to speak to your heart. Perhaps he will comfort you, or remind you of his love for you, or even give you a piece of his Word as healing truth. As you show compassion and care for your sadness or anger, release it to God and ask him to heal you.
Forgiveness is also a powerful release for toxic emotions. When you forgive, the anger or resentment you’re entitled to no longer captivates you. When you forgive, you set the prisoner free and the prisoner is you. You give the offender over to God to handle as he deems just. Although Abigail was realistic about her husband, we don’t detect a hint of bitterness in her tone. He was who he was, but Abigail was free to do him good because she had already let go of any bitterness and resentment; she forgave his shortcomings and sins. Forgiving someone might lead to reconciliation of a relationship, especially if the person you forgive repents and changes, but it doesn’t always.2
Sometimes we let go and forgive, then find our bad feelings resurfacing a while later. Or we don’t know why we feel what we do, but we’re miserable. Now what? Remember, you have an enemy (Satan), who wants to rob you of anything good. We must fight him, and here is one way you can. (Additional ways of fighting Satan will be covered in the next chapter.) When your negative feelings get the better of you, intentionally switch your emotional channel. Practice something completely opposite of the way you feel. Reengage your will in the decision to let go.
One day I was feeling exhausted and discouraged. Instead of giving in to those feelings, I put on some peppy music and started washing the dishes. Before long I found myself singing to the music and dancing around the kitchen with my dog. Studies show that when we choose to do something positive, even smile, our brain signals a shift in our emotions, and we often feel better.3 Try it. The Bible reminds us that “a cheerful heart is good medicine” (Proverbs 17:22).
Doing something kind or helpful for someone else can also lift our spirits. After her divorce, Barbara’s adult children chose to spend the holidays with their father. Instead of staying home, feeling sorry for herself and eating a frozen dinner alone (which she was tempted to do), Barbara volunteered to serve the poor a holiday meal. As we serve others, we often find that we receive joy, which makes us feel better.4 Service takes our eyes off our own problems and feelings for a time and helps us appreciate the good aspects of our lives.
If destructive feelings become a regular part of your life, especially depression, suicidal thoughts, self-hatred or rage, please consider professional counseling. Don’t hinder your growth because you’re too proud or too ashamed to ask for help. The right therapist can make all the difference in your journey toward greater growth.
Let Go of Lies
We learned in chapter 3 that because of our brokenness, we are especially susceptible to lies (Romans 1:25). Psychiatrist Scott Peck says, “One of the roots of mental illness is invariably an interlocking system of lies that we have been told and lies that we tell ourselves.”5
As I’ve explained, when someone has been in a destructive relationship for any length of time, especially as a child, lies may feel more real than the truth does. But it’s crucial for your mental, spiritual, and emotional heath that you learn to detect the lies you have been told, the lies you tell yourself, and the lies you believe, and then replace them with the truth. If you have been told repeatedly that you’re stupid, ugly, incapable, or worthless by those you thought cared about you, it’s extremely difficult not to believe it, at least a little bit. When you believe the lie that you are small and others are big, you feel helpless and powerless.
One of my favorite childhood movies was The Wizard of Oz. When Dorothy approached the wizard, he frightened her. He made everyone believe he was big and powerful. But one day when the wizard was ranting and raving about how powerful he was, Dorothy’s little dog, Toto, wandered behind the curtain and exposed the truth. This supposedly powerful man wasn’t a wizard at all, nor was he very big. The truth was that he was a rather small, ordinary man, who only pretended he was big.
Like the wizard, many verbally abusive people appear larger than life to us. Their intent is to make us believe that they are so strong and powerful, we’d better do exactly what they say. The truth is that they are mere mortals, and their ranting and raging is a cover for their own smallness. They only appear large if we believe we are small and helpless. If you want to break free from their grasp, you must let go of that lie.
Deceit can be blatant or subtle. Satan is the Father of Lies, and deceitful words are his weapon of choice. He masterfully twists reality so that wrong appears right, good looks bad, and evil seems virtuous. But sometimes even Christians are guilty of twisting truth into lies to serve their own purposes. The only way we can discern truth is to listen to God and read his Word in context. The psalmist cried out,
Show me the right path, O LORD; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you (Psalm 25:4-5).
To mature, all believers must submit themselves to the renewal of their minds. Even if we haven’t been subjected to destructive relationships, God says we all need to put off our old ways of thinking and believing. It’s just as detrimental to our spiritual and emotional maturity to think we’re entitled, deserving, and more special than others as it is to think we’re inferior and worthless. We all need to root out the lies that shape us: lies about ourselves, lies about God, lies about others, and lies about life.
James warns us that when we are doubled-minded, we become unstable (James 1:6-7). This describes the person who knows something at one level and doubts it on another. We have faith intellectually that God loves us, but our hearts don’t quite believe it. Why not? Because we are subject to an internal lie that we have not faced or renounced. It’s crucial to our healing as well as to our maturity that we uproot these lies rather than simply teaching our minds new truths.
Recognize and Identify Lies
How do we let go of lies? First, we must recognize and identify them. Peter instructed fellow believers to “rid yourself of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation” (1 Peter 2:1-2 NIV). Peter teaches we must let go of the old in order to take in the new. The apostle Paul encourages believers to “continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling” (Philippians 2:12 NIV). Both Peter and Paul say that our salvation is both a once-and-done event, as well as an ongoing process in which we play an important part.
The Greek word for salvation (soteria) means “deliverance,” “preservation,” and “safety,” but it is not limited to the spiritual dimension of life. Salvation includes the restoration or healing of the whole person, mind, body, and spirit. An additional way that soteria can be translated is as “a deliverance from the molestation of enemies.” 6 Let’s look at what Peter and Paul said again, translating salvation this way.
Rid yourself of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your [deliverance from the molestation of enemies]” (1 Peter 2:1-2 NIV).
Continue to work out your [deliverance from the molestation of enemies] with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12 NIV).
What a promise! Healing is possible for those of us who were bruised and damaged by the molestation of destructive people. The apostle Paul continues to instruct us in this process of maturing. He says, “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly” (Colossians 3:16 NIV). We only clearly recognize the lies we are tangled in as we grow more and more familiar with the truth. Become a student of God’s Word, not academically but personally. As you read a passage, ask yourself if you believe it. If not, why not? As we have already learned, we can talk honestly to God about our doubts. Confess your unbelief and ask him to increase your trust so that you can more fully believe what he tells you.
Practice Living in the Truth
Another way to grow in truth and let go of lies is to practice living or walking in the truth, even if you don’t believe it quite yet. Throughout the Scriptures we are exhorted to walk in the truth, and that begins with a step of faith. As I write this, I’m preparing for a teaching trip to Iraq. I’m walking in the truth that the Lord will go with me and before me. I am surrounded by his love whether I am in Pennsylvania or in Iraq. But am I a little scared? You bet! Courage isn’t the absence of fear but the faith to walk through the fear. As I take small steps of faith, trusting in God and what he tells me, my faith grows steadier and stronger.
We began to learn this discipline in chapter 10, but we must continue to practice it. If you’re not quite convinced that you are fearfully and wonderfully made, walk in that truth and act as if you already believe it (Psalm 139:13-17). How would you see yourself differently if you did believe it? Most likely you’d feel more confident, more worthwhile, more purposeful, more beautiful (or handsome), and more loved.
What would be different about you if you walked through your day as if you believed that you could do all things through Christ as he gives you strength (Philippians 4:13)? How might that truth help you to take responsibility for making changes in your life? What would you say as you speak the truth in love to someone? What boundaries or limits would you have the courage to set? Or what new ministry or service would you do?
We cannot live like the daughters or sons of a king and act like an orphan at the same time. We will live in one world or another, depending on whose version of truth we’re listening to and believing. Work diligently to let go of lies and believe God.
Gaining by Losing
The spiritual life is often a strange paradox. The way up is down; the first shall be last; to be full we must empty ourselves; to live we must first die; to find ourselves we must lose ourselves; and we gain more not by adding more, but by letting go.
Real life, as well as nature, is often a metaphor of deeper spiritual truths. On a popular program on television, called The Biggest Loser, overweight contestants from around the country compete to see who can lose the most weight. This season I watched several episodes. The transformation of the participants was amazing, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.
Week by week, as they let go of their favorite foods, they gained a healthier body. Some significantly lowered their blood sugar and blood pressure levels, as well as their cholesterol counts. They let go of their right to eat as much as they wanted, and as a result, they gained a slimmer physique, some losing more than a hundred pounds. When they gave up their leisure time to exercise, they gained strong muscle. They let go of the lie that they couldn’t do it and gained self-discipline, self-confidence, and self-respect. They lost the weight and gained a healthier, happier life.
In one episode, the contestants were challenged to run a race. But the task wasn’t as simple as it seemed. Each person had to wear a special belt. Clipped to that belt were weights in all the increments that they had lost each week. Some contestants had to run with sixty additional pounds clipped to their belts. At the end of the race, the weights were removed. It was a poignant reminder of how difficult their lives had been when they carried all that extra body weight. In the race, the excess hindered them from running at their best pace. The larger meaning was equally obvious: Their former weight had kept them from living their lives well.
You may find you need to let go of many things. Hanging on to unrealistic expectations, to damaging emotions, and to lies is like trying to run the race of life with weights attached to your belt. They slow you down, tire you out, and may even convince you that you can’t make it.
Make a promise to yourself to regain your life by letting go. Then practice letting go of the things you know are weighing you down. Don’t worry about everything you don’t know about yet. God is patient with us. He knows growth and maturity take time. I’m still learning to let go. It is a lifelong process, but be encouraged. The lighter you get, the freer you are.
One of my friends wrote this poem and granted me permission to print it here:
From the ashes of heartache
A soul will arise
On the wings of a warrior
With merciful eyes.
With the ointment of truth
The gift of His grace
His love gently rains
On my wounds and remains.
He’s the shield of my heart
Inner strength He imparts
To help me live a life
That brings glory to Christ.
—DONNA UPSON, 2006