When You’re Properly Nourished,
You Will Thrive
Wisdom sees everything in focus.
A.W. TOZER
The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy.
My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.
JOHN 10:10
If you ever stop growing, you’re physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually dying or dead. Several years ago I talked with a nursery specialist who told me a story about a tree that stopped growing. She dug around the trunk to inspect the roots, and she found that the tree wasn’t able to receive the proper nourishment because its roots were entirely wrapped around the ball of the tree. Instead of growing outward, they grew inward.
Her story reminded me of some of the individuals I’ve worked with. They become tangled in their own inner thoughts and feelings, needs and desires, past injuries and hurts. When that happens, like the root-bound tree, they can’t seek or receive the nourishment available to them from God or others so that they might grow.
What had to be done in order for the tree to begin to grow again? The tree’s roots had to be cut in order to free them. Initially the tree went into shock and actually got a little worse. But over time, and with some additional fertilizer and care, it began to thrive.
As we let go of the things we need to let die, we also need to surround ourselves with the proper nutrients so that we can thrive.
Build a Good Support System
One of the unrealistic expectations that I hope you have let go of by now is that there is one person out there somewhere who can meet all of your needs or wants and be there for you all of the time. That is a fantasy left over from infancy. Let it die. Even a wonderful mother eventually fails to meet her children’s every need. Sooner or later she says no to a request or is not available when needed. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her children or that they aren’t important to her. It means that her children are not the center of her world. It also might indicate that she was teaching them how to stand on their own two feet, which is a good thing to learn.
Letting go of that fantasy doesn’t mean people aren’t important or that we don’t need them in our lives. We do. We need individuals who will support us, encourage us, be honest with us, help us, hold us accountable to our goals, pray with us, teach us, comfort us, celebrate with us, and help us see more clearly. But there is no one person who will do all of these functions for us every time we want them to. That’s why it’s important to build a network of different people that we can draw from. Some might be in professional roles such as pastors, counselors, or teachers. Others might be friends, co-workers, neighbors, spouses, or relatives.
When your support person says, “No, I can’t be there for you right now,” that doesn’t mean he or she doesn’t care for you. But it does mean you may need to call on someone else for help in that moment, or that you need to learn to handle your need by yourself (with God’s help). When you lean too heavily one on person, or on people in general, your dependency will become destructive to you and your relationships.
In chapter 6, I encouraged you to start thinking of people who could support you as you learned to stop the destructiveness. Now think of people who will support your growth. Your list may include the same people, or you may want to add new names. If you need a mentor, a coach, accountability partners, or a Christian counselor, don’t be afraid to ask someone directly. Most of the time, people appreciate being asked, even if they can’t accommodate you immediately. Also, many of these same people can refer you to someone who is available to help.
Educate Yourself
As you recover and heal from the aftermath of a destructive relationship or person, you may struggle with labels you have been given during that experience. One woman came to counseling because her husband had convinced her she was sexually defective. She couldn’t climax with him, and he told her it was because of her previous sexual abuse. She was damaged goods. When I asked her questions and got specific details, however, I realized that her sexual dysfunction was nothing out of the ordinary. Many women experience exactly what she did with no history of sexual abuse. Her husband was misinformed, and so was she. The relief that spread over her face when I pulled out a simple book on female sexuality and anatomy and showed her the facts was priceless.
Another one of my clients is fighting for her sanity as her husband deceives the people around her into believing that she is mentally ill. Court-ordered counselors as well as custody evaluators and judges don’t always recognize the symptoms of traumatized women. An emotionally battered woman’s hysterical efforts to be heard are often misdiagnosed as bipolar illness, borderline personality disorder, or worse.
If someone tells you that you have a problem, don’t automatically write them off. On the other hand, don’t automatically believe what they say. Educate yourself. Research the Internet, go to the library, read about the actual symptoms of the particular problem. Don’t stay in denial if you indeed do have this problem. Get the help you need. On the other hand, there may be another explanation. What a relief to learn that your symptoms may have another name.
Many churches offer support groups as well as classes on addictions, the aftermath of divorce, depression, marriage enrichment, parenting, and caregiving for elderly parents, as well as Bible studies. Avail yourself of these opportunities to connect with others, and to learn and practice the things that will help you grow into a healthier, more mature person.
Learn to Handle Conflict
Conflict is a normal part of life, because people are different from one another and don’t always see issues the same way or have the same goals. Conflict is always about an issue. If someone is picking on you or putting you down, you are not experiencing conflict; you are experiencing disrespect or abuse. When this happens, do not engage in a debate or defend yourself. Simply speak up and say, “Stop. I don’t like it when you pick on me or put me down.” If the other person refuses to stop, follow the steps you learned in chapters 8 and 9: Stand up and step back.
When there is a variance of opinion, or when two people want different things, then healthy conflict may result. In Acts 15, we read of a hot debate about whether the Gentiles should be circumcised and afforded the same status as Jewish believers. Around the same time, the apostle Paul and Barnabas disagreed over whether to take John Mark on one of their missionary journeys. Paul felt they shouldn’t; Barnabas thought they should. They agreed to disagree and parted ways.
BIBLICAL RESOLUTION OF CONFLICTS
Here are some basic rules you can follow in order to resolve conflict biblically.
• Define the problem or conflict to be discussed and stick to the issue. Many disagreements get nowhere or deteriorate into brawls because the issue that started the conflict becomes lost in the midst of ugly words, past problems, or hurts that are thrown into the discussion.
• When possible, plan a time for the discussion. Preparing for fights isn’t always possible, because sometimes they just erupt. But if you know you need to address a touchy issue, make a time to discuss it when both parties are rested and ready. It’s difficult to fight fairly and constructively when you’re tired, stressed out, and distracted with other obligations.
• Listen carefully to the other person’s perspective. Show attentiveness and respect with both your body language and words (James 1:19; Proverbs 18:2).
• Aim for a solution that works for both of you. Your relationship is more important than the issue. Fighting to get your way or to prove you’re right is not godly (Philippians 2:2-3; James 4:1-3). On the other hand, giving in because you’re intimidated or afraid isn’t good for the relationship either.
• Commit to do no harm (1 Corinthians 13:4-8; Romans 13:10). We are to love our neighbor as ourselves. Our spouses, by the way, are our closest neighbors.
• Tame your tongue. As we’ve learned, words can heal and can wound (Proverbs 12:18). Do not use your tongue as a weapon to attack someone (Matthew 5:22). Pay attention to your tone and body language. Do they communicate caring and openness or defensiveness and hostility (Proverbs 25:20; 29:11; 1 Peter 2:17)?
• If you are unable to fight fairly, or the other person is attacking, stop. Take a time-out until you can be constructive, but make a plan to return to the issue. Don’t ignore it, hoping it will go away. If the other person will not stop attacking, seek a mediator or third person who can be objective.
• If the other person breaks these rules, don’t react in kind (Proverbs 15:1). Relationships deteriorate pretty rapidly when two sinners sin against each other at the same time (Galatians 5:13-15). Refuse to engage if the other person will not stick to the rules of fair fighting.1
See Your Goodness and Find Your Strengths
As we saw in chapter 3, many people are blind to their brokenness. On the other hand, those in a relationship with a destructive person often see nothing but their own brokenness and are blind to their positive qualities. Although all humankind is broken, we are also blessed with incredible goodness, beauty, and strength. We are created in God’s image, and he has put good things inside of us. It is not prideful to acknowledge them and appreciate them, especially if we use them to serve God and others.
In order to thrive, we don’t just need to get rid of the bad stuff, we need to recognize and nurture the good qualities inside of us. Make a list of the strengths you have, not in spite of what you’ve endured, but because of it. Perhaps you have become resourceful or tenacious. Maybe you’ve learned how to look at the humor in situations and can laugh at yourself. You might have persistence or great endurance or patience.
I gave this assignment to one of my clients as she was healing from a destructive marriage. When she did it, she was surprised to discover how many strengths she had. I liken this exercise to hidden-pictures challenges often found in children’s magazines. You look at a picture, whether a photo or a drawing, and at first glance, you see it one way. The picture is accompanied by a list of items embedded within the picture. If you look carefully enough, you will find them. Discovering your strengths in the midst of the ruins of a relationship isn’t always easy. You might have to search for them at first, but once you see them, they’re obvious.
In addition to the strengths you’ve developed, begin to notice or recall the gifts and abilities you once had. You might have been musically inclined or good at math. Or perhaps you’re socially comfortable and can talk with anyone, anywhere, but you’ve lost your confidence because of the destructive relationship you’ve been in. Brad (chapter 2) doubted some of his natural business talents and abilities under the critical and demeaning eye of his new boss. Once he freed himself from that destructive relationship, it didn’t take long for him to remember them and reclaim them for himself.
Once you call to mind your gifts and abilities, take the time to nurture them. Most of our gifts don’t present themselves in their mature state. A gifted musician still needs music lessons and hours of practice. A talented athlete needs coaching and lots of playing time in order to develop even natural abilities. The apostle Paul encouraged young Timothy not to neglect his gifts, but to be diligent and to “fan into flames” the gift God gave him (1 Timothy 4:14-15; 2 Timothy 1:6).
At this juncture in your healing, you must take time to nourish your growth and put yourself in the company of others who will encourage your maturity. You can do this even if you are not totally free from your destructive relationship. Remember, Abigail thrived even though she was married to a destructive man.
Let’s look at how to be in the presence of destructive people without letting them or their behavior get the best of us.
Interacting with a Destructive Person
Like Abigail did, it is crucial that you learn how to interact with a destructive person without getting destroyed. Even if you are no longer in close relationship with this person, you might still have encounters. Divorced parents, for example, may need to interact on behalf of their children. When the other person is a family member, whether by blood or the family of God, at times you will be in the same place together. Start to prepare and practice for these meetings. The apostle Paul warned young Timothy about how to handle a destructive person. He said, “Alexander the metalworker did me a great deal of harm. The Lord will repay him for what he has done. You too should be on your guard against him, because he strongly opposed our message” (2 Timothy 4:14-15 NIV).
We learn from this passage that Alexander did not merely oppose Paul’s message, he personally harmed Paul. So Paul warned Timothy to be careful around the man. If we were to handle hazardous materials such as insecticide or dangerous chemicals, a wise person would put on appropriate clothing, like gloves and a mask, for protection. In the same way, when we are around toxic people, we must protect ourselves so that their toxicity does not infect us.
Preparation
If you know ahead of time that you will be encountering a person who has previously been abusive, controlling, deceitful, or indifferent toward you, you must mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepare yourself. You wouldn’t knowingly enter a hazardous environment without some forethought, so don’t blindly walk into an obviously difficult situation without first making a plan.
When I went with my sister to Florida to see our hospitalized mother, I had been anticipating such a moment for a long time. I had forgiven her years earlier and, like Paul did with Alexander, I turned our relationship over to God. But now I needed to prepare myself to see her. What kinds of things might she say that would push my buttons? What did I need to do to mute my buttons so if she pushed, I wouldn’t react?
Giving advance thought about how to best interact with a destructive person pays off in large dividends. One of my clients, Sally, knew that conversations with her ex-husband around any issue always left her feeling exhausted and angry. In spite of a great deal of growth, she still had trouble with allowing him to intimidate her into doing what she didn’t want to do. As she prepared for a difficult discussion with him around some child-support issues, she decided to put her remarks in writing and send them via e-mail. She told him that because she found it difficult to have a constructive conversation with him, she wanted to have all future correspondence and conversation done through e-mail.
Sally took responsibility for her problem. She wasn’t yet able to set boundaries that protected her in face-to-face meetings. She continued to allow her ex-husband to control her, so she came up with a plan to put limits on his contact with her. She created some distance so that she could respond more thoughtfully and appropriately. The added benefit was that her ex-husband now put his manipulative behavior and intimidating manner in writing, and Sally had a much easier time recognizing it and not falling prey to it.
If you must interact with someone you know is unsafe, whenever possible insist that a mediator or third party be present for all communication.
Practice
As I packed to go to Florida, I began to mentally role play all kinds of possible scenarios that might involve my mother. I knew her ways, and I also knew my own weaknesses. I rehearsed how I wanted to respond differently than I had in the past. If she provoked me, I wanted to be gracious and quiet, not taking her bait. If she was cold, I wanted to be patient and warm. If she began verbally assaulting me, I wanted to respond by inviting her to stop, and if she didn’t, to not react in kind. As a person, I was growing to be more proactive instead of reactive in many areas of my life. If she treated me abusively, I did not want to repay her evil with more evil of my own. In this moment with my mother, God was testing my character growth, but I needed some practice and used my imagination to do so prior to actually seeing her.
In the past, if you have been reactive when someone pushes your buttons, step back both physically and emotionally in order to distance yourself. Treat the provocative person much like you would treat a stranger. Have no expectations of a positive encounter. Be cordial, respectful, and kind, but don’t get too close. You’d be especially wary if you suspected that the stranger may be carrying a weapon. For destructive people, their tongues are their weapons.
If you have had difficulty implementing some of the steps outlined in chapters 8 and 9, enlist the help of a trusted friend or counselor in order to role play speaking up, standing up, and stepping back. Doing so will help you get used to saying the things you want to say and, as with everything else, the more you practice something, the more natural it becomes.
Prayer
The most important part of our preparation and protection against a destructive person isn’t mental, it’s spiritual. As we’ve already seen in chapter 6, behind every destructive individual stands a much bigger enemy. Satan wants to destroy us, and he’ll use anyone who is available. Destructive individuals may not even be aware that they are his pawn, but we must be aware and on guard. The apostle Paul advises believers how to stand against evil:
Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.
Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere (Ephesians 6:10-18).
Spiritual armor protects us against evil, much like a hazmat suit protects its wearer from toxins in the environment. It’s a good practice to remember to put it on every day, but intentionally put it on, piece by piece, when you know you will be in contact with a destructive person.
Remember, one of the surest signs of your own emotional and spiritual growth and maturity is that you no longer retaliate when someone hurts you or does wrong to you. One of the most natural things we feel when someone hurts us is to want vengeance or respond to evil with more evil of our own. But Jesus specifically commands us to respond radically differently than our natural selves would. He calls us to love our enemies and do them good, not harm (Matthew 5:43-45).
Overcoming Evil with Good
Throughout his epistles, the apostle Paul gives us specific instructions on dealing with all kinds of people and relationship problems, but he sums up much of his teaching with this powerful advice, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21 NIV). Let’s look more specifically at this command and how we can implement it while relating with a destructive person.
Overcome is a fighting word. It means to “prevail” or “conquer.” I believe that’s what Abigail learned to do. Her humble hospitality in response to David’s threat of vengeance influenced him to change his mind. On the other hand, we have no evidence that her goodness ever changed her husband’s ways. (Neither do we know what he would have been like without Abigail’s presence in his life.) But the person most changed by Abigail’s decision to overcome evil with good was Abigail. She was not embittered by her husband’s destructiveness, nor was she intimidated or paralyzed with fear by her husband’s foolishness or David’s thirst for vengeance. She handled herself with a wise combination of grace and truth.
There are times when doing good will influence others to stop or pause to think about their destructive behaviors. Other times, doing good won’t seem to make any difference at all, and in fact, circumstances may actually get worse. However, like an effective antidote neutralizes poison’s toxic effects in the body, doing good will always help to conquer evil’s effects in you.
The healthier you become, the more patient and merciful you will be toward broken and even destructive people. (See Jesus’ instructions on how to love these kinds of people in Luke 6:27-36.) The apostle Paul says,
We bless those who curse us. We are patient with those who abuse us. We appeal gently when evil things are said about us. Yet we are treated like the world’s garbage, like everybody’s trash—right up to the present moment (1 Corinthians 4:12-13).
Paul learned how to keep people from pushing his emotional buttons and how to respond with goodness when they were destructive toward him. Loving his enemies didn’t mean Paul had a close personal relationship with them, nor did he ever minimize their destructiveness. But he didn’t attack them or treat them as he was treated. He genuinely desired what was best for them, which was their repentance. Both Jesus and Paul taught these difficult lessons, and it is for our absolute good that we learn them. Otherwise, evil will quickly overtake us and we will become like the very thing we hate. The psalmist cried out, “Guide my steps by your word, so I will not be overcome by evil” (Psalm 119:133).
Beyond Victim to Victor
Our personal story is not over. We are still in progress…just like my basement. It has come a long way since I started writing this book. The carpet’s laid, the desks are back in place, and the filing cabinets are where they should be, but there are still many things that need to be organized, thrown out, and put away. Little by little I will accomplish these remaining tasks, but my office is much better today than it was just months ago.
I hope that you’re beginning to make some changes in the way you’re handling the destructive relationships you’re in. Maybe everything’s not quite the way you want it and you still have things to change, but you’re moving forward. A crucial part of your healing will occur when you no longer see yourself as a victim but begin learning how you can become the victor.
In the history of the Jews, God often promised Israel she would defeat her opponents, but he still required her participation. God has laid out a battle plan for you to overcome evil; are you willing to do battle and fight? Are you willing to put on your armor and let go of your own destructive ways? Are you willing to abandon thoughts and feelings that are contrary to God’s best for your healing and growth? Or, like the ten spies who doubted God’s promises, are you too afraid of the giants in your landscape to believe that God will help you and give you the victory?
Throughout the biblical narrative, we read of individuals who were healed and changed by God’s loving grace. Many of them begin their stories by saying something like, “Once I was lost, but now I’m found.” Or, “Once I was blind, but now I can see.”
Take a moment and look back over your life. See where you were and how far you’ve come. What strengths have you gained? What hindrances have you let go of? In what areas do you need more practice, so that you can stand stronger in the future? Name some specific ways that you are overcoming evil with good, not only for your own benefit, but also for the future of your children, as well as for the glory of God.
Your story is only a part of a much bigger drama. God is using you to show people what he is like. Are you beginning to resemble him? Someone once said that we are what we are not because of what happens to us, but because of what we do with what happens to us. My friend, choose to do good with what’s happened to you, and you will be better for it.
Recently the same friend who wrote the poem at the end of chapter 11 shared with me another short poem, which summarized where she was in her journey toward healing and wholeness. She gave me permission to share it as well with you:
The legacy I’d like to leave behind
Is that I’ve helped one life at a time
Beginning with mine.
—DONNA UPSON, 2006
It is my prayer that you too will practice what you’ve learned. Allow God to love you, strengthen you, and heal you, so that your life might be and become all it was meant to be.