Destructive Themes of the Heart:
Selfishness, Laziness, Evil, and Fear
If you want to know what a person really believes,
don’t listen to what he says, watch what he does.
JAMES P. MACKEY
People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money,
boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents,
ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous,
without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous,
rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God.
2 TIMOTHY 3:2-4 NIV
The Selfish Heart
They are headed for destruction.
Their god is their appetite, they brag about shameful
things, and they think only about this life here on earth.
PHILIPPIANS 3:19
Each of us struggles with selfish behavior from time to time. However, a person with a selfish heart is completely captivated by the triune gods of me, mine, and more. His lusts, desires, and cravings rule him. Her needs, her wants, and her rights take priority over anyone else’s. A selfish person thinks I deserve it and believes the lie It’s all about me. A person whose heart is self-oriented cannot love well. He is a taker, not a giver. When or if she gives, she is always looking for something in return.
A TAKER, NOT A GIVER
Amnon, King David’s oldest son, exemplifies a person controlled by a selfish heart. Consumed with lust toward his half sister Tamar, Amnon and his friend hatched a plan to fulfill his desire for her. Pretending to be ill, Amnon persuaded his father to ask Tamar to make her special bread for him. Amnon lured Tamar into his bedroom to give him his bread, ordering everyone else to leave. Once alone, Amnon showed his selfish heart by raping Tamar, and when he finished, discarding her like a used tissue (2 Samuel 13).
Selfish people want to indulge or consume with little or no thought for the feelings or needs of others who will be affected. (See sidebar for an example from the Bible.) Deception is usually part of the pattern, because selfish people want to avoid the negative consequences of their actions. Other people function as useable objects to meet the desires of the selfish heart. There is no mutual give-and-take in relationships involving a selfish person. When the selfish give, they do so in order to get something or to look good, not because they care about another person’s well-being. When that person’s needs or desires conflict with theirs, the selfish always come first, and they may become furious if their needs are denied. In his book The Seven Deadly Sins Today, Henry Fairlie writes,
The steps from a reasonable self-concern to an utter selfishness are short and swift. Most of the prescriptions for “self-actualization” today are rationalizations for an aggressive self-centeredness and, in some of their forms, for violent aggression by one’s self against other selves that get in the way. If it’s not aggression, then it is manipulation, and the end is always the same: striking or maneuvering to take first place.1
A selfish person will often call others selfish, because selfish hearts believe that life is all about them. One must not require anything of a selfish person, but a selfish person can be very demanding toward others. When Karen told her husband about her dream to return to college after years of being a stay-at-home mother, he replied, “I don’t think that’s fair. I’m stuck working all day to put you through school? What about me? Who will be here to take care of my needs?”
From Taker to Giver
When the apostle Paul speaks to thieves about their behavior, he does not merely tell them to stop stealing (Ephesians 4:28). Genuine change goes deeper than just stopping destructive behavior, replacing it with loving behavior. A thief has a selfish heart. Stealing is an outward manifestation of his internal greed and selfishness. Paul instructs him to work so that he can share his resources with others who have needs. Paul is talking about the kind of heart change in which a person who used to be a taker now wants to be a giver.
Sally and Rick were working hard to heal from the devastation of Rick’s selfishness and deceit. For years, Rick led a double life. He said he loved God. He attended church, served as a deacon, and went on various missions trips. Unknown to Sally, Rick also frequented strip bars, watched pornography, and indulged in one-night stands. When the awful truth finally tumbled out, Rick repented. He desired to change and not only worked diligently on his problem with lust and lack of intimacy, but also began to recognize and repent of his selfish heart.
Recently, he and Sally were on a short vacation. Things had been going well in their relationship, and Rick was hopeful that Sally had put the past behind her. But one day during the trip, she became negative and despondent and Rick blew up. He screamed, “What’s wrong with you now? Why do you have to ruin my vacation?” His angry outburst only made matters worse. Later, as we talked about what happened, Rick recognized that his selfish heart, which used to sneak off and indulge in sexual pleasure without consequence, was the same selfish heart that blew up at Sally for “ruining his vacation.” Sally and I were encouraged when Rick recognized not only the inappropriateness of his angry outburst, but also the selfishness that fueled it. (A person whose primary orientation is self becomes angry when he doesn’t get what he wants—see James 4:1.) Rick still battled selfishness, as we all do, but his blindness to it was gone, and that brought hope to Sally that he was genuinely changing.
The Lazy Heart
A lazy person is as bad as someone who destroys things.
PROVERBS 18:9
Biblically, laziness doesn’t simply refer to a person who is unwilling to work hard, but to someone who has no meaningful life. The lazy, slothful heart neglects its purpose and worships ease. When we are ruled by laziness, we experience apathy toward life, toward people, and toward God. Fairlie quotes Dorothy Sayers as saying, “It’s the sin that believes in nothing, cares for nothing, enjoys nothing, hates nothing, finds purpose in nothing, lives for nothing and remains alive because there is nothing for which it will die.”2
It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with lazy people. They live for the moment and whatever meaningless pleasure they can snatch from it with as little effort as possible. What attracts a lazy person is what’s easiest. Never mind what is best or good or right, those values are unimportant to a lazy heart. Lazy people live their lives as spectators rather than participants. They can spend hours content to watch the real or made-up lives of other people while lounging in an easy chair.
Lazy hearts remain uninterested, uninvolved, and unengaged with others. Lazy hearts disdain the thought that they should care about another person’s hurts, burdens, blessings, dreams, and needs, or have to pitch in to help. They want the rewards of life without putting in the hard work to earn them. Cain envied and murdered his brother Abel. Later when God asked Cain where his brother was, he simply shrugged and answered, “I don’t know…Am I my brother’s guardian?” (Genesis 4:9).
If challenged, lazy people may say they want a good relationship, but they don’t want to have to do the work of learning to communicate or give of themselves. They don’t want to grow or change. When counseling couples I sometimes hear, “You’ll just have to accept me the way I am.” What slothful people don’t understand, however, is that much of the way they are is extremely unattractive and undesirable. Change would be good not only for the relationship, but also for them. Mark Rutland comments,
The slothful live and die as spiritual and emotional midgets. They never grow in grace for they cannot endure growth. Growth involves everything that is hateful to the slothful. Pain, patience, diligence, obedience, and discipline are the keys to growth. Yet, for the slothful these are the enemy. They are to be feared, hated and abhorred.3
The Results of Sloth
It is amazing to me to observe how surprised people are when they actually reap what they sow (Galatians 6:7-10). Carl and Diane’s marriage was over. Diane said she could not continue any longer; their union was dead and she felt devalued by Carl. Carl seemed shocked. He did not want their marriage to be over. He kept reminding Diane that God hates divorce, yet his track record over their 20-year marriage showed no investment of his time or energy in nurturing his wife or their relationship.
Carl had not changed since he and Diane dated in high school. He did not like to talk with her, he did not want to get involved in anything with her, and short of going to occasional sporting events together, he did not want to go anywhere with her. He enjoyed television, sports, beer, and his friends, in that order. He could not understand why Diane couldn’t just appreciate that he brought home his paycheck and wasn’t mean to her. Although Carl gave lip service to wanting a better marriage, in reality, he expected a loving wife and good marriage with no personal investment on his part. His actions clearly demonstrated that he didn’t want to expend any energy improving himself or their relationship.
Any good relationship takes work. It costs to care. In the natural world, what we don’t regularly maintain soon deteriorates. If we neglect to water our plants, they die. If we neglect our nails, they get ragged. When we neglect our hygiene, we stink. Why would we expect our relationships to be any different? How can they sustain themselves if we do not nurture them? What makes us think we can neglect the most important thing God calls us to do with our lives (love him and love others), yet reap the benefits of relationship and community? Psychiatrist Scott Peck observes that the main impediment to people’s growth is laziness. If we conquer that, he says, all other hurdles can be overcome.4
Paul advises us to disassociate from those who are idle. We are not to compensate for those who refuse to carry their load of responsibility, whether financially or relationally. Only when lazy hearts experience the painful consequences of their own sloth will they be enticed to change (2 Thessalonians 3:6).
The Evil Heart
The wicked man craves evil;
his neighbor gets no mercy from him.
PROVERBS 21:10 NIV
Every human heart is inclined toward sin (Romans 3:23), and that includes evil (Genesis 8:21; James 1:14). Even though all of us sin—that is, miss God’s mark of moral perfection—most of us do not happily indulge our evil urges, nor do we feel good about having them. We feel ashamed and guilty, and rightly so (Romans 7:19-21). Yet there are those who do not struggle against evil; they delight in it (Proverbs 2:14-15; 10:23). Those who have given themselves over to evil do not experience remorse when they do wicked things, nor do they regret the pain that they inflict. Quite the contrary: it often gives them pleasure to see someone suffer, even if they are quite skillful at hiding their delight.
It is worth noting the difference between foolishness and evil. Foolishness may result in evil and wicked actions, because fools don’t think about the consequences of their actions, nor do they anticipate the effects of their behavior on others. They are reckless rather than malicious. The resulting destruction may be similar, but the heart motives are different. Like fools, evil people embrace all types of sins, including those we’ve covered in these two chapters, yet there is something deeper and more sinister at work in their behaviors as well. The evil heart can be subtly destructive, often disguising itself as good. The foolish heart is usually not that clever.
Choosing and Spreading Ruin
Ken and Mary were separated, yet living in the same house. Everyone who knew them thought Ken was a wonderful father. He seemed to enjoy his children and often took them to special places.
Several months ago, Ken waged war on Mary using the children as his weapons, although no one but Mary witnessed it. Mary had taken her children to church and Sunday school for years, but one Sunday as Mary was getting the kids ready for church, Ken asked, “Hey kids, you want to go to the zoo this morning?” Kids being kids, they chose the zoo.
Ken continued to put their children in the middle by regularly asking them to choose between what their mother told them to do and some appealing place he wanted to take them to. In the evenings, he would interrupt their homework sessions, offering to take them out for ice cream, or he would bring home a video to watch together. When Mary protested, Ken would act as if she was trying to keep him from his children.
“Please, Ken, the kids need to get their homework done,” she would say. Or, “Ken, the children need to go to sleep or they won’t be rested for school tomorrow.” But Ken and the children thought she was being unfair and mean. Kids would always rather play and eat ice cream than go to bed or do homework. That’s why God gives them parents. When one of the children did choose to listen to Mary, Ken ignored that child for the rest of the day. If any of the kids showed more loyalty toward their mother than to him, they got the same cold treatment.
Mary could see what was happening. Her children were torn. They obviously enjoyed spending time with their father, but they also were becoming more and more disrespectful toward her. When she tried talking with Ken about how she felt, he told her she was ridiculous. He said, “You’re just jealous because I’m a better father than you are a mother, and the kids know it. I love my children and I want to spend as much time as I can with them. What’s wrong with that?” Mary felt speechless. How could she argue?
The Greek words for evil denote both heart intent and outward behaviors. However, one word, kakós, indicates one who “may be content to perish in his own corruption,” while the other word, ponērós (a name also attributed to Satan in Matthew 6:13 and Ephesians 6:16), describes a person who “is not content unless he is corrupting others as well and drawing them into the same destruction with himself.”5
Psychologist Dan Allender observes,
One awful, abusive event does not make a person evil, but when it represents a repetitive pattern of excessive disregard for others (mockery) and a wanton, vicious refusal to look at the damage done (arrogance), then one can ascertain a significant inclination to evil.6
Evil is cunning and deceptive, because evil originates with the Evil One. It can be extremely difficult to discern evil hearts, because their intention is to look good, not be good. The serpent appeared beautiful; he seemed genuinely interested in Eve’s welfare. Had he shown his true colors, she would have felt afraid and never had a conversation with him. Evil people want to look good to others; they also want to appear good in their own eyes so that the pangs of healthy shame and self-reproach do not penetrate their hearts.
Paul instructs us not to be passive toward an evil person. He says we are to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21). What that looks like and how to do it will be covered in parts 2 and 3.
The Fearful Heart
Fear of man will prove to be a snare,
but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.
PROVERBS 29:25 NIV
A look at the destructive aspects of our inner worlds would be incomplete without addressing the heart issue that people struggle with most: All individuals in destructive relationships have fearful hearts. They are afraid of seeing truth, afraid of being hurt, afraid of loss, afraid of being wrong, afraid of rejection, afraid of conflict, afraid of change, afraid of being alone, afraid they might not have what it takes to succeed, afraid to be loved, afraid to give love, afraid they might not be adequate or desirable or loveable.
Because of some or all of these fears, anxious people may pretend, placate, and please, or threaten, manipulate, dominate, and abuse others in the hope that, if they can successfully control others or life, their deepest fears won’t come true. Their mission is not usually malicious but self-protective. They cannot love well and are destructive toward both themselves and others.
Being authentic and truthful isn’t easy for most people. Our fears of rejection keep us pretending and hiding (especially in the area of our feelings, thoughts, and desires). Instead of having freedom to be and become who God made us to be, we strive to be who we think the other person wants us to be. We want the other person to like us, stay with us. When fearful hearts hide and pretend, however, they forfeit the opportunity for genuine intimacy. They can never feel deeply loved, because deep down they know that the person other people love is not the person they truly are.
Relationally fearful people don’t want to be gods, like the proud person does, but they allow their lives to be ruled by others instead of God. They give the god substitutes power, power to define them and their worth. They bow to the people gods in order to keep what they fear losing.
When you place your entire worth and well-being into the hands of a person instead of God, you give that person the power to destroy you.
Snared by Fear
Fran called me in tears. Her husband just announced he was leaving her for a woman he’d met on the Internet. This wasn’t the first time he’d had an affair. Fran wasn’t sure she could go through this again. His behavior was killing her. Yet, over the years, despite being counseled to stand firm and set boundaries that would encourage her husband to realize his own brokenness, Fran kept allowing Jack to move back home when his other relationships failed, because she was afraid to be without him.
Jack was self-centered and bowed to the idol of pleasure and lust. Fran centered herself on her husband. He became her god, and she bowed to whatever he wanted in order to not lose him. Functionally, he was her life, and she couldn’t bear the thought of being alone. Yet in her insecurity and fear, she also attempted to control Jack. She would obsessively check his computer, his cell phone, and car for signs that he was being unfaithful. When she found evidence of his relationships with other women, she would unleash her anger and pain by threatening to hurt herself, hoping Jack would feel guilty enough to stay with her.
Unless Fran dethrones her husband as the god of her life and stops giving him the power of life and death over her emotions, she will never gain the strength or courage to break the destructive cycle in her marriage. The psychological term is codependent and the lie is, I NEED you to love me or I NEED you to need me in order to make me feel alive and worthy. People who believe this lie are caught in emotionally destructive relationships because their first love is a sinful mortal and not the true God.
SAFETY IN
TRUSTING GOD
God tells us over and over and over again, “Do not be afraid, trust me” (see, for example, Isaiah 41:10-13; 43:1). Jesus says the same thing when he tells us not to let our hearts become troubled or anxious (see Matthew 10:31; Mark 5:36; John 14:27). The Bible tells us that “perfect love expels all fear” (1 John 4:18). It’s not our love for God that keeps us from fear, but his perfect love for us. Believing that God deeply loves us and is for us changes us (Romans 8). Embracing this truth replaces our anxious hearts with peace and trust, because we realize that God is the only one able to love us perfectly. (See Psalm 56:3; Philippians 4:6-8; Colossians 3:15.) Knowing God’s love experientially is a process all of us are growing into. Without that anchor, we will be ruled by fear.
When we live to protect ourselves from relational pain, we cannot live freely or authentically. Instead of surrendering to God, people governed by fear surrender to their emotions, surrender to people, and surrender to lies, forcing themselves to live according to their false selves. Christian psychologist David Benner says, “The core of the false self is the belief that my value depends on what I have, what I can do and what others think of me.”7 When we bow to these false gods and believe lies, we cannot become what God intended. We only grow into our true selves as we surrender to the reality of God’s unfailing love for us and his purposes for our life. To do that, we have to let go of our small lives governed by false gods (Matthew 10:38-39; 16:24-25). How to do this will be explained more fully in part 3.
The Changed Heart
If you’ve read chapters 4 and 5 and don’t recognize yourself battling any of these heart sins, but you know you have littered your past with a trail of broken relationships or people, stop right now and ask God to search your heart and show you what’s wrong (Psalm 139:23-24). Remember, your unwillingness to see truth about yourself has been your biggest obstacle to having healthy, loving relationships. You may want to ask those closest to you to be honest with you and tell you what they see going on in your heart. Though you may be surprised and feel hurt by what they share, don’t shrink back from the truth. It is essential for your well-being that you face your own blindness and lies so that you can move toward greater emotional, spiritual, and relational wholeness.
Our destructive relational partners aren’t the only guilty parties. When we’re honest with ourselves, we readily recognize some of these attitudes within our hearts. Don’t despair. We all struggle with idolatry, lies, and sin. Recognizing what controls our hearts and naming it biblically is a good first step. Change can only happen when we stop being blind to what’s going on in our own hearts. Whenever we are controlled by I want, I need, I think, I feel, I deserve, I’m afraid, or I’m entitled to, we’re prone to sin. I’m not saying that being aware of the things we want, need, think, or feel is wrong or selfish. Quite the contrary: Awareness is an essential element of good mental and spiritual health. However, when what we want, feel, think, or need takes first place and rules our hearts, we’re prone to deception, as we will be whenever we put anything ahead of God and his truth.
Why so much emphasis on our hearts? Because God says our hearts affect everything else we do:
My child, pay attention to what I say.
Listen carefully to my words.
Don’t lose sight of them.
Let them penetrate deep into your heart,
for they bring life to those who find them,
and healing to their whole body.
Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life.
—PROVERBS 4:20-24
Genuine change requires a transformed heart. That’s why it’s so important to expect repentance to involve more than a change in outward behaviors. Someone can act nice but still be motivated by a selfish or fearful heart. Destructive behavior is merely the outward fruit of a deeper root that must be identified and uprooted.
Please note that genuine repentance doesn’t mean that we never do destructive or sinful things anymore. What it does mean is that when our hearts change, we no longer want to do those things, nor are we blind to them. We see them as evil, hurtful, sinful, and destructive, and want to be free from them. We no longer justify them, excuse them, indulge them, or pamper them. Now we slay them.
I’m often asked if it is hard to change these patterns. I won’t lie to you. It takes work. It’s painful to give up old ways of thinking, feeling, and relating. However, I try to impart to my clients this important lesson: If we don’t choose the pain of hard work and discipline required to change, we will later face the pain of regret for not changing. The choice is ours to make. My prayer is that you (and your partner) courageously choose the path of change.