The Truth About Change:
You Can Stop Living This Way
It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird;
it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly
while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present.
And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary,
decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.
C.S. LEWIS
Wisdom will save you from evil people,
from those whose words are twisted.
PROVERBS 2:12
Cynthia called me, frantic. “I can’t take it anymore,” she said. Her husband had closed their mutual checking account and put everything into his name. She was required to submit to him an itemized list for everything she purchased, with all the receipts. When she asked him why he would do this to her, he told her it was his money and he could do what he wanted. She should just “shut up” and “get off his back.” Cynthia’s husband disrespected her and refused to treat her as an equal partner. He sabotaged her relationship with her children by undermining her authority, contradicting her discipline of them, and speaking disrespectfully about her to them. By the time she finally came for counseling, she was a mess.
“I don’t know what to do, Leslie,” she cried. “How do I learn to live like this? I’m trying to obey God and be a good wife and mother, but I can’t take it. I’m afraid I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.”
After listening to Cynthia describe her life over the past few years, I gently suggested to her that perhaps God didn’t want her to learn to live like this at all. Perhaps God wanted to give her the strength to look at her situation differently so she might gain the wisdom and courage to confront her husband’s controlling behaviors and disrespectful attitudes toward her.
Cynthia hesitated. She wasn’t sure she could do that. I knew what was coming next. She let out a deep sigh and said, “I guess, then, there’s nothing I can do. I’ll just have to figure out how to accept my miserable life.”
Cynthia’s response to my suggestions didn’t surprise me. Even if she knew what to do, at the time she was too afraid to do it. Sometimes, however dysfunctional, sinful, or unhappy a relationship is, maintaining the status quo often seems preferable to rocking the boat and risking having your world turned upside down.
Throughout parts 2 and 3, I will extensively cover how to gain greater emotional and spiritual health for yourself and your relationships. First, though, let me introduce a few basic guidelines for taking the first steps needed to stop the destructiveness.
Facing Reality
Before Cynthia was ready to tackle a discussion with her husband, she needed a better understanding of what God says about relationships and of what she is and is not responsible for in her marriage. In the past, Cynthia had read good books about destructive and abusive relationships, but she felt too afraid and too guilty to take any action, because she believed that God wanted her to stay with her husband no matter what. What was she to do? What choices did she have?
I hope you see by now how lying to yourself is so detrimental to your well-being. When we habitually deceive ourselves we cannot grow or mature in a godly way. (Please review the discussion of this in chapter 3 if you need to.) As painful as truth can be, we must face it if we want to become healthy, no matter how much we don’t like what it tells us.
Recently a woman e-mailed me about her experience:
I believe that getting out of a destructive situation has nothing to do with recognizing that the other person is abusive or that we are not safe, or in getting the other person to change. I believe that I began to change when I realized that my life was spiraling downward and I felt hopeless. I realized that the choices I’d made over and over again were not getting me closer to joy but were taking me further and further down a destructive road. Recovery came for me when I decided that I needed to change, and that I was the only person I could affect or change, and that I couldn’t do this alone. I needed God.1
Like Cynthia and this woman, as well as all the other men and women I’ve described thus far, the most painful step in any healing process is often the first one. You must face the ugly truth that you’re in a destructive relationship and that you are the one who has allowed it to continue. Just like a person wouldn’t begin chemotherapy unless she first accepted that she has cancer, you will not take the steps necessary to grow, heal, or change if you are still in denial. As long as you minimize the truth about your problem, you cannot become strong enough to challenge or change anything.
You might be further along in your journey than Cynthia was and may have already taken this first step. Others, like Cynthia, are just waking up to the awful reality of how destructive their relationships truly are. Wherever you are, it is important you realize that stopping the destructive dance starts with you. Here are some things that you can do right now to begin the process of facing reality.
You Can Pray
Talking with God about what’s happening both in your own heart as well as in your circumstances is important for many reasons, not the least of which is that you are about to battle an enemy much larger and vastly more powerful than your partner. Jesus called Satan a destroyer and the Father of Lies (John 8:44; 10:10). His aim is to shatter your spirit, demolish your soul, and wreck everything good in your life.
You must become aware of his tactics, because words are his primary weapon. He hurls accusations, slander, lies, half truths, and even phrases or passages from the Bible (taken out of context) to confuse, manipulate, distract, and devastate you. Satan uses people to accomplish his purposes, just like he used Judas to betray Jesus and tried to use Peter to distract Christ from his mission (Matthew 16:22-23). Satan may be influencing your partner or even using your partner to destroy you, but don’t let him! Prayer protects us, and prayer changes us. It also helps us guard our hearts against our own lies, excuses, rationalizations, and fears.
God gives us our own arsenal of weapons with which to fight our enemies, but God’s weapons are not the same kind that the world uses. The apostle Paul said that prayer unleashes divine power to take down strongholds and demolish false arguments (2 Corinthians 10:4). Paul also instructs us to put on our spiritual armor daily, and to learn how to wield the sword of truth to fight evil. (See Ephesians 6:10-18, as well as Matthew 4 and Luke 4, which show how Jesus used God’s Word to counter Satan’s attacks.) Prayer provides a shield of protection so that neither Satan nor people can destroy your spirit, even if they are successful at injuring you (Matthew 10:28).
Prayer sometimes changes us more than it changes our situations:
• It teaches us to look at our circumstances from a much larger vantage point than what is dictated by our immediate needs or anxieties.
• It reminds us that God is in control, even when we feel like evil is winning (Psalm 118:5-6).
• It teaches us to reflect upon our lives as well as our dilemmas from God’s perspective, so that we are better equipped to best address the destructive person, recognize our own complicity, and handle the situation we’re in without sinning or becoming more destructive ourselves.
Ask God to rescue you from wicked and evil people. (Read David’s prayer in Psalm 140 and the apostle Paul’s instruction in 2 Thessalonians 3:2.) God deeply cares for those who feel impotent against powerful people and those who have been mistreated or oppressed. Jesus knows how you feel. He too was mocked, humiliated, taunted, rejected, lied about, and beaten. He wept over the indifference of the Jews and the blindness of the Pharisees because he longed to have a different kind of relationship with them.
Learn to run quickly to him when you’re hurting, confused, angry, or tempted. He is faithful to help us (Hebrews 4:15-16).
You Can Disclose What’s Happening
When you’re in a destructive relationship, especially if it’s your marriage, you may feel ashamed and may isolate yourself from sources of support because you don’t want anyone to know how bad your situation really is. You may also want to protect your spouse from having others think negatively about him or her. Even though Cynthia wasn’t ready to make any changes, she took a first step toward ending the destructive cycle when she admitted to me out loud the way her husband treated her. Putting your experiences and feelings into words helps you see more clearly what’s really going on.
Appropriate disclosure isn’t an opportunity to bad-mouth another person or to gossip, but to avoid the harm that always comes to people who hold destructive secrets. The apostle Paul encourages us not to participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather to expose them (Ephesians 5:11). If you are being emotionally abused or physically or sexually mistreated, it is good to tell someone. In his book Healing of Memories, Christian counselor David Seamands reminds us that once you say something out loud in front of another person, it’s much harder to continue to deny it to yourself.2
Sharing your situation with someone is a big step. If nothing else, a confidant can pray with you for wisdom and courage to make the changes you need to make. If you’ve tried telling someone and were not heard, believed, or were told that the situation is your fault, don’t give up. Find someone else. Not everyone is knowledgeable or equipped to wisely and compassionately handle these kinds of disclosures.
You Can Ask for Support
Jesus tells us in Matthew 18:15-17 that when someone hurts us, we should first talk privately with that person about what he or she has done. (How to do this will be covered in chapter 8.) But when our efforts fall on deaf ears, Jesus encourages us to enlist the help of one or two others as advocates and witnesses. God knows that some things are too difficult and dangerous to do alone.
Facing conflict or having to make changes is not easy for anyone. God never asks us to live without support and help from others. Through dialogue with trusted and wise people, we often learn how to label our problems correctly and work toward solutions that are consistent with biblical principles.
Much of the New Testament instructs us on how to encourage, love, and care for other people, especially those in need or facing difficult situations. Don’t shy away from asking for someone to help bear your burdens even though it’s difficult to ask (Galatians 6:2). Getting support is one of the best steps you can make to regain some personal control over your life.
We all need support, accountability, and a specific plan when we’re trying to make changes. When we know that we’re heard, believed, affirmed, and cared about, we gain confidence and grow more quickly than when we attempt it all alone. A Jewish proverb wisely states, “Sticks in a bundle are not easily broken; sticks alone can be broken by a child.” Part of your change and growth will involve finding and making new friends and building healthier relationships.
“I had so much fun this weekend,” Emily told me during our session after she attended a women’s retreat at her church. “The ladies actually liked me and told me I was fun to be around.”
At the retreat, Emily experienced people who described her differently than her husband did. As Emily gets to know this new group of women better, hopefully she will find one or two whom she can ask to pray for and encourage her as she gathers up the courage to have a difficult discussion with her husband.
If you’re involved in a home group, Bible study, or Sunday school class, you might know specific individuals or couples whom you can ask to pray for you, encourage you, and hold you accountable for making the changes you desire to make. You don’t always have to disclose all the details of your situation to ask for prayer or specific help. If you’re not involved in a church, ask a friend, sibling, grandparent, neighbor, or other wise and godly person to support you right now. You can do this even if you aren’t sure how to best approach your destructive relationship just yet. Often we can more easily identify the lies that we’ve believed and gain the strength to break free from them after we are well connected to other people.
Right now, stop reading and think of three people whom you could ask to pray for you and encourage you as you grow through this process. If you can’t think of anyone, don’t despair. A recent study indicated that the average American has only two close confidants, and one in four has no close friends at all.3 If that is the case for you, you are lacking an ingredient necessary for good emotional and spiritual health and can begin to change this immediately. How? Get involved somewhere. Join a group, participate in a church or ministry, volunteer, go to lunch with your co-workers.
IF YOU’RE
HELPING SOMEONE
If you are a person someone has confided in, asking for support and help, please be careful. People in destructive relationships are wounded and broken people (as we all are, but their wounds are usually more visible). But if you are not familiar with the dynamics of these kinds of relationship patterns, you might unintentionally give bad advice or hurt the person more. Please read “A Special Word to People Helpers” at the back of this book to learn some specific ways you can listen well and be of help.
Take the time to reread the characteristics of a healthy relationship in chapter 1 and promise yourself that you will learn how to recognize healthy, mature individuals. As you see these traits in others, invite them to be a part of your life.
You Can Name and Face Your Fears
You probably already felt afraid when I advised you to ask someone to help support you. You might be thinking, What if they say no? Then what will I do? I’ll feel like a jerk. No one wants to help me. I’m not worth it. I don’t deserve it. No one even likes me.
If you felt this way, fear is a large part of your life. I know that, because if you weren’t so afraid you would have already taken steps to break the destructive cycle of your relationship. Perhaps you’re afraid of conflict or rejection. Maybe it’s your fear of failure, fear of being alone, fear of hurting someone’s feelings, or fear of getting hurt that stops you cold. These are just a few of the many fears that I, as well as the people I’ve counseled, have felt in similar situations.
In order to become healthier, however, we must begin to face what we are most afraid of and walk through it instead of allowing it to control us. When fear grabs hold of us, we shrink back and become smaller. We’re afraid to make a mistake, so we won’t push ourselves in difficult areas. We don’t want to look stupid, so we don’t try things that we might actually enjoy, like teaching a class, dancing, or singing in the choir. We’re afraid we’ll make people upset, so we don’t speak our true feelings; instead we stuff them. We’re afraid of being wrong, so we don’t offer up our ideas or opinions—then we never get to see if our ideas are helpful or interesting to another person, and soon we don’t even remember what they were.
Before moving on, take a minute right now to write down what you think your biggest fears are. Why haven’t you taken some action about this destructive relationship you’re stuck in? What are you afraid of?
When I asked Joyce this question about her relationship with her older sister, she said, “If I tell her how hurt I feel when she talks to me that way, I’m afraid that she won’t care. I’m afraid that I won’t matter. I’m afraid that she would sooner walk away from our relationship than change. I don’t want to lose her. She’s my only sister.”
Our fears aren’t always imaginary. Joyce’s sister might not care. She might walk away rather than listen to Joyce’s feelings. However, what’s the alternative? Joyce isn’t happy that her big sister uses her when she needs something but otherwise is aloof and bitingly sarcastic. Change does involve risk, and that is scary for most of us. But living without risk does not mean we’ll be free of pain, nor does living without fear mean we have to become reckless and calloused. If Joyce wants to stop her painful encounters with her sister, she will need to face her fears before she will be strong enough to initiate healthy change.
If the prospect of an honest conversation with someone who hurts you is too scary right now, start facing your fears by taking smaller risks. Look over your list of the kinds of things you’re afraid of and pick one or two to work on. For example, if you’re afraid you might disappoint someone, return an item you received as a gift without making a big deal out of it. If you’re afraid to ask someone for what you want or tell someone what you don’t like, try implementing some small-scale ventures. For example, when dining out, ask to have your entrée prepared without fats or oils if you’d like it that way, or send it back if it’s not prepared the way you asked. Call up a friend and ask him out for lunch, or be bold and tell a telemarketer that you do not want to listen to his sales pitch.
If you’re afraid you will feel stupid and so hold yourself back, do something silly or foolish like deliberately singing out loud in a crowded elevator. What happened? Nothing! You lived through it. So you felt stupid; you also felt freer somehow.
We learn to live differently by living differently, not by thinking about living differently. We must take action against our fears. In our brokenness, fear will never completely leave us, but we can stop fear from controlling us.
You Can Replace Lies with God’s Truth
When we are caught up in destructive relationship patterns, it’s often hard to sort out what is destructive, what is normal, what is justified, what is sin, or what is unhealthy. Working with individuals caught in the web of destructive relationships, I have seen the power of lies and half truths. They not only wreak havoc over one’s emotional life, but they can also decimate one’s personhood. That’s why it is so vital we all sharpen our ability to discern truth from lies and half truths. What you believe to be true (whether or not it actually is true), forms an interpretative lens over what we perceive about ourselves, our lives, God, and what happens to us. Belief defines reality for us.
For example, as we saw in chapter 4, a person with a proud and selfish heart believes that he is entitled to have his needs met first. He believes that he is better than others are. Because of that mind-set, when his wife is busy doing something that she needs to do instead of attending to his needs, he interprets her as being intentionally hurtful or disrespectful. He thinks to himself, How dare she put me off ? Subsequently, he feels enraged.
In contrast, a person with a humble heart would not feel hurt or interpret his wife’s busyness as disrespect. Instead of reacting angrily, he might even offer to help her. He responds differently because he perceives her differently. He does not believe he’s more important than she is or that everyone should put his needs first or cater to him.
The apostle Paul says that one of the ways we mature is by renewing our minds with the truth (Romans 12:2). Remember, the Bible teaches us that we naturally lean into lies or half truths because of our own brokenness. Healing starts when we become mindful about what we think, what we are telling ourselves, or what someone else is telling us, then hold it under the light of the truth of God’s Word. Then we can see more clearly and compare what we think or believe with what God says is true, good, and right.
Actually doing this is not simple. Lies often feel more powerful and true than God’s Word does. I remember speaking with a woman who was an intelligent, competent, professional person. Her husband told her that she was stupid. He said this so often she began to believe him and eventually quit her nursing career for a job far beneath her skill level.
When I asked her how he convinced her she was stupid when it was obvious that she wasn’t, she replied, “A line from the movie Pretty Woman says it best: ‘When people put you down enough, you start to believe it. The bad stuff is easier to believe about yourself.’ “
Learning to identify lies and embrace the truth is a continual and ongoing process until the day we die. It is best to do this work in community with other believers who seek God’s truth, because when we observe that others fall down in the same ways we do, we realize we’re not so alone or totally messed up.
UNDERSTANDING BIBLICAL AUTHORITY,
HEADSHIP, AND SUBMISSION
As I’ve worked with Christians in the midst of relationship difficulties, I’ve identified some specific mistruths and half truths that are sometimes taught as God’s truth. Some individuals misuse God’s Word and take it out of context to justify or excuse their own sin and brokenness. Some of the teaching that has most powerfully fueled many destructive relationships emerges from the topic of submission to authority, whether it be in a marriage, church, or government.
God’s Word gives specific instructions to those in authority on how to handle that responsibility. Throughout the Old Testament, God often rebuked the leaders of Israel for their self-centered, deceitful, and abusive shepherding of God’s flock. (See, for example, Deuteronomy 13; Jeremiah 23:1-4; Ezekiel 34:2-4.)
Parents have authority over their children, but, fathers (and mothers by implication) are warned by Paul not to misuse that authority by provoking their children or exasperating them. Paul says the hearts of mistreated children will be tempted with anger, discouragement, and bitterness (Ephesians 6:4; Colossians 3:21). In other words, parents don’t have the right to mistreat, demean, or micromanage their children under the guise of biblical discipline.
Biblically, God put husbands as the head over their wives (Ephesians 5:23), but that does not put wives at the feet of their husbands. Women and wives are depicted in the Gospel as equal partners and persons to love, not objects to use or property to own. Biblical headship is modeled by Christ’s gentle leadership and loving self-sacrifice. Husbands are cautioned not to be harsh with their wives and not to mistreat them, or their prayers will be hindered (Colossians 3:19; 1 Peter 3:7). No leader is entitled to make selfish demands, order people around, or hurt them when they fail.
Submission is a discipline of the heart for all believers to practice, not just wives or women. All Christians are called to submit to authority (1 Peter 2:13), to one another (Ephesians 5:21), and to God (James 4:7). But don’t misunderstand what submission is and what it is not. In the Greek, the word submission (hupo-tassõ) describes a voluntary action or attitude. Biblical submission cannot be forced. It is a position we take when we are motivated by our love for Christ and our desire to please and obey him. Although God commands us to submit to him, obey him, and love him, he never forces anyone to comply with his commands. He gives us a free choice, including freedom to choose badly (like Adam and Eve did).
When a husband bullies his wife, his behavior does not describe biblical headship, nor is her forced “submission” characteristic of biblical submission.4 The correct terms are coercion, manipulation, intimidation, or rape—and she is the victim. Let’s make sure we use the right words.
I am amazed by those instances when a man who believes strongly in forcible submission is confronted with his own sin but is unwilling to submit himself to anyone else’s authority for help and accountability, including his own pastor. Such a man is not open to correction, challenge, or change because he is always right. He manipulates the Scriptures to serve his purposes.
Jesus cautions those in positions of authority—parents, husbands, pastors, and elders—not to misuse those God-ordained positions for self-centered purposes. These roles are given to us by God to humbly serve the individuals or groups that have been entrusted to our care, not to have our egos stroked or to get our own way (Mark 10:42-45).
Sadly, some husbands have used their God-given position in their homes for selfish purposes, and often other Christians have unwittingly endorsed them. These husbands believe they have license to do or demand anything they want, and that their wives are supposed to comply. This ought not to be.
If you are in a destructive relationship with a person who misuses his or her authority, whether it be your husband, parent, employer, pastor, or government, God gives us specific instructions on how to respond. The following are some things you can do to stop the destruction.
Respect the authority, if not the behavior. When Paul defended himself before the Sanhedrin, Ananias, the high priest, ordered that Paul be slapped across the mouth. Paul reacted to this by calling Ananias a hypocrite and telling him that God would strike him. When Paul was informed that he had insulted the high priest, Paul immediately felt remorse, because he knew God had said, “You must not speak evil of any of your rulers.” Paul continued to defend his position before the Sanhedrin, but he presented his point of view with an attitude of respect for Ananias’s position (see Acts 23:1-9).
It is tempting to repay insult for insult, evil for evil. God tells us that that is not his way, and this approach will never stop the destruction (Luke 6:27-36; 1 Peter 3:9). Instead we must learn to speak the truth, always in love, without backing down (Ephe-sians 4:15). Specific examples of how to do this will be given in chapters 8 and 9.
Protect yourself. When David was being mistreated by King Saul, he didn’t submit to the mistreatment or wait around for Saul to kill him. He fled. Later, when David had opportunity to ambush and kill King Saul, he refused to, out of respect for Saul’s authority and position (1 Samuel 24:6). It is never wrong or against God’s will to protect yourself by fleeing from those who misuse their power and authority.
An angel warned Joseph in a dream to take baby Jesus and flee to Nazareth (Matthew 2:19-21). Joseph did not hesitate, nor did he wait for Herod to kill Jesus. Paul was lowered in a basket over a city wall to get away from those who wanted to stone him (Acts 9:23-25). Proverbs tells us, “A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge” (22:3 NIV). If you are in a dangerous situation, get out.
Allow higher authorities to be your advocate. After preaching in Rome, the apostle Paul was mocked and threatened. The Roman commander ordered Paul arrested and beaten. Paul did not submit to this mistreatment. He appealed and questioned whether it was lawful for them to flog a Roman citizen without a proper trial (see Acts 22:22-29).
Whenever people ask me if they should call the police when someone, even a spouse, physically or sexually mistreats them, I say yes! It is biblical to rely on the governing authorities God has put in place to protect you against abusive people or those who are misusing their positions of authority or disobeying the law (Romans 13:1-5).
If you are in a situation where you are experiencing sexual harassment or abuse in your workplace, report these practices to someone who has authority over the abusive person. People often act aggressively and abusively toward others primarily because they think they can get away with it. Don’t let them. Do not feel guilty about holding someone who is sinning against you accountable to the law. It is not only good for you to do this; it is good for the sinner as well (James 5:19-20).
You can choose to stop living in a destructive cycle. By taking small steps, you can mark the beginning of the end. Is this something you want badly enough to begin? If you decide to allow yourself to be drawn repeatedly into these kinds of destructive relationships, you must ask yourself what part you play in these situations. The point of naming your own complicity is not to make you feel bad, but rather to empower you to stop.
When you face your part and refuse to live as merely a helpless victim, you will find the strength to take back some control over your life. If you continue being passive and blind or refuse to take ownership, you set yourself up to be victimized again and again. Don’t do it. You can stop living this way!